Monday, December 27, 2010

I haven't heard from my doctor, so I don't have any news on the kidney front. I did find out at my last appointment that my kidney pain can actually be caused by my IGA Nephropathy. Apparently my doctor didn't even know that, but did some research and discovered it.

Since I don't have any new updates, I drew a picture of my kidney and how it feels about me.

It is MAD.

And this is my immune system following in his footsteps:

I don't know what an immune system looks like, so that's what it looks like in my head. He has teeth because he's mean and hates me like my kidneys do. 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Well, I'm pretty sure I ovulated this month. Despite FF, I don't think I did the last two months. This morning I had the very tell-tale pain in my right side. I get a lot of pains around there, but this one is very specific to ovulation, so I'm hoping to see a temp rise tomorrow. This comes a few days after going down to 80mg of prednisone. The neat thing about it is if I did, it was exactly 4 days after getting watery CM, just like before! I hope this is a good sign and I get my period like I'm supposed to and we can try in January like we wanted to. I have an appointment with the OB on the tenth, and I'm curious to see what she says. I hope she gives the go, because if she does I an start the IVF. I should have my results from the 24 hour urine soon.. I hope they're good!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

I saw my nephrologist today. He seems pretty happy with how I'm doing, but he doesn't like that my blood pressure is consistently in the 140s/80s. I might have to start taking something, but he thinks it may be prednisone-related, so I'm not freaking out yet. He was very happy with how little fluid retention I have, and I turned in my latest 24 hour urine this morning so we should have results soon.

He spoke with the high risk OB and he said that he tinks he changed her expectations. She seemed to think that my kidneys would magically improve with prednisone, but he explained to her that I'm on a different course than last time, and that while I might se a marked improvement, I might not, and that if we want to have a baby, this is probably the best time to do it. I'm going to make an appointment to talk to her directly. He told her that I'm aware of risks and want to go forward, but I want to  go into detail with her and get all the facts. She still says the protein could be harmful for the baby but I just don't see how since it's not making me retain water or lose blood protein, so I'd like to know that. And then hopefully I can tell her I'm aware of the risks and I want to proceed and she will say OK. She did tell him she wants me to get a second opinion from another Hopkins Doctor. I think she forgot that I already did that and the guy pointed to a book, said "Here are the statistics with your creatinine" and sent me on my way. My nephrologist said I was more qualified to have an opinion than that guy. But, if he does that, he should give me a go because mt creatinine is OK, so if that's what I need to do then fine. I just want to get on the way to IVF. I'm hoping that having talked to him and getting all the details from me she will be able to go forward knowing that I'm prepared to do whatever I have to to keep this baby healthy. If I need protein shots or heparin (something about protein and blood clots) I dont care. I'm ready, and we want this. So hopefully they'll call me back and I'll get that appointment soon.

I don't know what to expect from my 24 hour urine. There was a lot more urine this time so I'd imagine there would be more protein, but I guess I can't say for sure. I'd like to see a reduction, but I'm still trying not to expect one. At least not until January. So I guess I'm still at a standstill, but I've got everything done and as soon as she OKs me I'm moving on to the IVF, so hopefully it won't be too long.... if she OKs me at all (I hope so!!!!!).

For now I'm still praying and doing my best to stay positive. Hubs is looking forward to the busy January schedule and so am I. Hopefully we won't need anyone's approval to have this baby and it will come next month! Only time will tell, but I'm hoping God's timing for this to happen for me is coming up soon!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Hail Mary Cycle

What's that little flutter I'm feeling in my chest today? Could that be... hope?? Yes, I think it is!! And I've missed it!! This HSG has done a lot for me, but probably the biggest is re-establishing some hope where there was just so little for so long. It's not that I expected a blockage... but I didn't know, and so many things have happened I wouldn't have been surprised. I'd sort of resigned myself completely to IVF, but I was nervous about my kidneys and that being our only hope. I figured if my tubes were blocked it'd be OK... but then IVF would be our real only option. We just wouldn't conceive any other way by any chance. And if the doctors couldn't be convinced, we were done for in the fertility world. So today? Hope. And this brings us to the Hail Mary cycle.

If you're reading this blog I'm sure you know what I'm referring to. Hell, when I said it to my husband he knew what I was referring to. He asked for it in so many words a few months ago - remember - "Honey can we PLEASE have ONE more cycle where you say 'honey, we have to do it RIGHT NOW'?" Well, dear, we can. Thank you, God. Now that this HSG is over, I can start BCPs the second my kidneys show improvement. My RE does the mock embryo transfer during BCPs. I'm doing my 24 hour urine this Sunday since my period keeps screwing that up. We'll have some results that I don't expect much of. To be honest, I expect to start to see good news in January and get to start BCPs in February or so. MAYBE March. Which means January should be wide open. And there are some awesome things about January.

  • I had an HSG this month. There is a theory rolling around that HSGs can up your fertility. Clearly, given my 30 second, non-rolling-from-side-to-side test, my tubes are clear. But supposedly they're more lubricated after it, too. So... maybe.
  • I am down to 80mg of prednisone. 60 on 12/28, and 40 on 01/11. That's like a 20mg a day dose, which is a LITTLE higher than recommended, but WAY better than 60. Also, my period was relatively normal on 35mg , so hopefully the extra 5 won't matter much and I'll ovulate.
  • Andy will have had 2 months of religiously taking his meds.
And... we now know that (prednisone aside) I'm OK! There's NO reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant and have an implanter. I know the prednisone might have messed with day 3 hormones a bit, but on the lower doses I should be getting better.. hell they might be normal now. As for Andy.. well, he was being a jackass and not taking his meds, but by then he'll have more than 2 solid months of perfection. Plus I got him back in Zinc which helps with volume. More volume = more sperm. So even though his morph is 5%, if we get more boys, we have a better chance. And his last SA really wasn't that bad. he had over 30 million, and good motility, so there are definitely some guys in there to meet my egg! Plus, the 5% was strict, and it's very possible there are plenty more with super minor defects that could still pentrate the egg. So we'll see. And finally, we've agreed to a very busy uhm... schedule. Every other day from EWCM through +OPK, then every day for 3 days. Which is waaay more than what we usually do. We have low sex drives. It happens when you have a brain tumor and an SSRI drug meeting up to try to make a baby. But.. too bad. We're doing it anyway. We have fun, we just struggle to care beforehand lol.

And if it doesn't work... well.. that's the Hail Mary cycle. You pray and you ask the universe for positivity and you do everything you can. And if it doesn't work, you move on. But right now we're READY to move on. REALLY ready. Our cycle is paid for, our tests are done. And if my kidneys cooperate, I could be injecting myself for a February or March transfer! Things always take a few extra days, so right now I'm working from.. Good news Feb 1, star BCPs the next week. 3 weeks of BCPs, 2 weeks of stims, mid-late March transfer, and I'd be due late November (38 weeks, per OB). Even if we end up with an april transfer, we'll be trying on our own... which means t here is a CHANCE for pregnancy, and HOPE again. I'm begging my kidneys... I'm praying for them all the time. If they do this for me, I could REALLY have a baby by IVF next year or at least be pregnant. Or maybe even on our own. It's possible now. It's really possible!!!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Dreaded HSG Story

Anyone that has been reading my blog knows that I have been absolutely horrfied about this HSG procedure. I've put it off since June when it was first mentioned to me. This is mostly because I made the unfortunately mistake of reading stores on the internet. Some of these stories began with "I wish I could tell you something different, but it wa sthe WORST pain of my life". I read tales of people throwing up and crying and yelling and screaming. And me... after having my midwife say "You're getting and HSG? TAKE VALIUM" becaus of my issues in those areas... well, I was unhappy. This entire last week has been dreadful. So many moments have been filled up with "I'll be able to look forward to Christmas soon because my HSG will be over". Well, my HSG is over. And here's how it happened.

I took 1mg of Xanax Sunday night hoping it would take the edge off. It didn't. So I took 2mg on the way there. I felt loopy, but not like a bumbling idiot. It honstly felt lie having a really good buzz except my legs were a little woozy. I also took 800mg motrin (which I'm not supposed to have so don't tell anyone). I honestly don't thnk these helped with the pain except in 1 instance which I'll explain later. We were running very late because of traffic. It was a 45 minute drive according to my GPS, but it took us 2 hours. We'd left early, so we were only 5 minutes late for the actual appointment (though we were supposed to be there 30 minutes early). As soon as I sat down they called me back. I spoke with a nurse for a few minutes who answered my questions and put me at ease. I told her I was nervous, and she gave me the great news that my actual doctor (from a different office!!!) would be dong my procedure! Then took me back to the room. It was very familiar looking except it had a little more equipment. I undressed from the waist down and put on a gown. They had a huge pad to sit on and a reglar hospital pad for afterwards. When I came out, I sat on the table waiting for the doctor. She came in not 3 minutes later, had me put my feet in stirrups and scoot all the way down, as per usual. She put the speculum in, which, of course, is not comfortable, but it was less uncomfortable than my last pap. I could tell she was cleaning in there but barely - I almost didn't feel it. and then she said she was done. I assumed she meant with the setup, so I said "with the setup you mean?" and she said "No, you're all done". I couldn't believe it. I felt NOTHING.. and I mean that. Nothing. I sat up and she showed me the xrays and the spillage and I said "that was less uncomfortable than my last pap!". She said I was the second person to say that that day. The x-rays were SO COOL. I could see my uterus and tubes, and the dye spilling freely from both. It was amazing. And oddly enough, I didn't get any "spillage"... like onto the table when I sat up. I did bring a pad from home because I do expect something at some point, but... nothing so far.

I think the xanax helped a little just in that I was more relaxed than normal. I think how tense I am is probably what makes my paps uncomfortable. But the dye? Nada. I can't believe how little it hurt. I sat up, got dressed, and I'm at work. Andy drove and is picking me up because of my medication, but I would've EASILY been able to do it myself. So now I'm sitting here, hours later, with not a cramp in site. To be honest, and this is TMI, I'm a little gassy, and I feel bubbles, but that's it. It was easily smoother than an annual exam, and if they told me I had to get one tomorrow I wouldn't hesitate. I didn't feel the catheter go in, I didn't feel a balloon... nothing. From the time I was on the table and they put the speculum in it was literally 1 minute. Maybe 1:30.

AND everything is PERFECT. My uterus is actually smack in the middle.. perfect triangle shape with my tubes almost evenly distanced on either side. The dye spilled out so fast I didn't even have to roll over. No fibroids, no polyps, no scars... perfect. So now I can stop freaking out about the random pains. And I know I have an actual shot to get pregnant naturally!!!!! Once my kidneys are good, we've done EVERY test. I can literally sign papers and start BCPs immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe what great news. Finally something has gone our way in fertility land!!!! My uterus is ready for a baby!!!

Edit: I noticed in re-reading that I had a LOT of typos. Please pardon those.. it was the xanax (which I really expected to knock me out but it did no such thing). Also, I feel SOMETHING "down there" which might be intestinal, or it might be the mildest cramp ever. Either way... I am a jackass for getting so upset. Andy's been taking his meds, and I'm down to 40mg prednisone every other day as of January.. Hail Mary cycle here we come. Oh.. she did mention I need to lose weight. Yes I know. I'm back on the train soon. Promise, RE.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Today was the day to test-drive the Xanax. I read that the starting dose was .25-.5 mg, so I tried .5 and it didn't do a damn thing. So I took another .5, and it still didn't do a damn thing. So now I don't know what to do. After what Xanax did to my mom and my husband I figured it would help me... and it really hasn't done anything at all. So I'm going to try a whole pill (2mg) on Tuesday, but now I'm terrified because I don't think it's going to do anything for me! Which makes the whole thing even scarier. I'm not less tense.. I'm MORE tense. I'm also freaking sick. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow because I have to bring stuff in for Tuesday's baby shower because I might be in really late because of the HSG. But I feel like CRAP and I don't want to go to work. And there's no way I can make this cake tonight. I have no idea what to do. I have to get there at some point to get this stuff to the other girl putting the shower together. But I don't know how.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

So I have this coworker who is amazing. I knew she'd struggled to conceive and had miscarriages and ended up adopting a baby last year, but I didn't know much about it. Two days ago another coworker told her about my HSG because I was nervous and she knew other coworker had had one. So coworker asks me to go to lunch with her and we do. She talked to me about all of their struggles - how they'd been told they wouldn't conceive naturally, but they did, and then lost the baby. They didn't want to do heavy intervention so they started the adoption process, but then got pregnant again, and the miscarried again. She talked to me about the feeling of loss, and dealing with pregnant women around you. She was open about how she couldn't face baby showers or look at a pregnant woman. She let me vent about how everyone here is pregnant so easily, and she understood. I mean REALLY understood what it's like to watch everyone around you - even those who don't want it - get what you want more than anything. She talked about her husband having to come around to adoption, and how she still has some issues talking about certain things despite having a beautiful little boy (who will be 2 in January) through international adoption. She said some of it is easier now that she is a mom, but she really, really got it. She sent me a website just now about women who post real secrets about pregnancy.. feelings of loss and failure. She said she'd be thinking about me on Tuesday.

Sometimes when you're having a rough time, you meet someone, and they change everything. She'll never know I wrote this, but thank you anyway, Margaret. You don't know how much your support means to me.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Must. Stop. Reading. HSG Stories.

Seriously. I am driving myself way past insane. Why can't my brain just accept that there's no way to know how it will go until I do it? I think I'm going to tell them how nervous I am and ask if they can tell me what they're doing as they do it. And beg them not to use a tenaculum. And... Xanax. My new best friend.

I'm trying to think about Christmas and that by the time it comes the HSG will be long past done. They told me we were to have protected intercourse this month, though. I found that odd, but I suppose there's a reason.

The high risk OB hasn't called, so I really need to just call tomorrow to schedule an appointment.

I am freaking out. Dammit.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Well I didn't realize this, but my nephrologist told the high risk ob that he didn't know if the prednisone would work at all, and that if it did, the results might not be maintained. She's supposed to call me this week. I think I'm just going to call and make an appointment with her. I want to talk to her about the risks. Right now is going to be the best time for us to try the IVF. I've spent months trying various treatments, and there's no way to say if another treatment would work, so I want to do this while my kidneys are still filtering. I need to find out what the risks are to the baby, but I still think it's due to lower blood protein and mine is close to normal, so I want to see if we could work something out to make sure the baby is healthy. I don't care if I have to give myself extra shots. I'm going to get all the information and tell her that I want to go through with the IVF ASAP, and hopefully she'll say it's OK.

I also talked to a coworker today about infertility. She was able to conceive twice, but lost both babies and went on to adopt. It was weird having someone to talk to who actually understood exactly what I was talking about. She also told me her HSG sucked, and she didn't even get to the dye because she had a blockage right at the beginning. I really want the HSG over with!

I keep having delusions of a January BFP... but maybe it'll happen! If not, I'm really hoping to go to IVF in February. I didn't get to do the 24 hour urine because I got my period, but I'm going to do it this Sunday, so maybe I'll have good news there, and if not, I'm going to talk to the high risk OB about what we can do to get and stay pregnant and keep me and the baby healthy while dealing with the protein. It's been done before so we can do it. I'm trying, still, not to be negative and to be hopeful. I want this so much.

Friday, December 3, 2010

UPDATE: My HSG is scheduled for Tuesday, 12/14.

I am terrified, but so ready to get it over with and know what's going on. Ugh, it even says on their website that some people may experience intense pain. Xanax here I come.
I got approval to do the HSG, and since it's Day 1 of my cycle, I called my nurse to see if we could schedule it for this month. She might want to get the document from the doctor first, but I got it in an email so I could show it to her. I want this over with! Unfortunately, there was one more interesting tidbit in the email:

"I am not sure we will see a great response with the urine protein, but my fingers are crossed."

 WTF? Why would he add that in there? I guess because I sounded very positive in my email saying "We will start WHEN the protein goes down". Yes, Dr., I know it might not work. You've never said it would, and I know that you can't guarantee anything, but you also don't have to re-open a wound and throw salt in it. I'm trying to be hopeful here. But now I'm thinking "Well sure it worked last time, but maybe changing up the protocol was a bad thing! Maybe we should've done it the same way again!". I thought higher sustained doses would be better. So far it's not... what if it was stupid to change it up!?

So then I go on to think "Ok, so my insane blood sugar, constant needles and finger-pricking, extra-hairy face (because it wasn't hairy enough already), and fucked up periods are all for NOTHING?". I'm TRYING not to think that way because I know it's possible it will work. I know it took a long time last time. I know he has hope. But... I just don't need to be reminded that it might not. Why would he add that in there? Perhaps he thought I wasn't depressed enough about the situation? I just needed a little extra reminder that I might never have a child.

The problem is, I really don't know where to go after this. Do we give up and try on our own for a little while? Do we find a new RE who might be willing to help us? Do we try another 6-month kidney program? Because the first two haven't been hard enough? I don't need to make another tough decision like this. I want something to work out right so I don't have to choose between sucky and suckier.

So, of course, I texted Andy. I expected him to be asleep since it was pre-8AM, but he was up, and he called me right away. He said that my doctor is great at doctoring, but not at.. people-ing. That he understands that he wants me to know this isn't guaranteed, but the way he says it is very negative, and that we already know, so he really doesn't need to say it again. He promised me we'd have a baby together with all the faith and hope of someone who hasn't been going through infertility for over a year. And he's either a fantastic actor or he really believes it. I love my husband.

I was telling myself this morning that we'd start the adoption process if I wasn't pregnant by 32. I turned 30 Nov. 22, so that's 2 years from now. Even if we do go through another 6 month treatment, that'll give us over a year to try IVF cycles, trying on our own.. whatever we want. I know 2 years is going to fly by, and hopfully I'll have a baby way before then. But at that point, after 3 years of dealing with IF, I think it'll be time. I'll have tried everything there is to try (since I'm going to IVF the second I can).

Before I jump that far ahead of myself, however, I do have some plans. I have said before that I can't sit here and complain if I'm not doing everything I can for myself. And Andy can't promise me we'll get our baby if he's not doing everything he can. And we have a lot we can work on. Whether we go IVF or natural, we both have weight to lose. And if I can get under 230, I have another RE who is willing to help me. But either way, losing weight might help my fertility, so I HAVE to get back on my diet. I need to anyway, because I need to be 271 to do the IVF. I should be exercising, too. I should be taking my fish oil for my kidneys and I'm not doing a very good job. So I need to take that correctly. I need tot ake my cholesterol meds right, too, so they actually help me. I need to look into LDL apheresis too, since it can help so much while I'm not on meds. Normalizing my cholesterol is a big thing, so I'm going to see a cardiologist. And Andy needs to take his vitamins and stop complaining about it. Some of them can improve his count and morphology, and I'm going to force them down his throat if I have to. He wants this baby, and with everything I'm going through, he can take some damn vitamins. And he needs to get on the healthy eating train, too, so tonight we're going to sit down and talk about all the things we need to do to make this happen.

Finally, we're doing to do it. A lot. If I get this HSG, we'll know my tubes are clear, and that is the last hurdle. With all my other hormones in check, I should be able to get pregnant. We just need his boys to get there somehow. I get super tired and not in the mood a lot 'cause of my meds, but it's just too bad.

So that's it. Yes, I'm wallowing a little and upset. And still hoping to go to IVF in early 2011. But I have backup plans, too. Lose weight, try naturally in the mean time, get my cholesterol under control, get my HSG, get Andy on vitamins... there's a lot more I could be doing, and it's about damn time I do it. I'm taking my life back into my own hands. I WILL MAKE THIS PREDNISONE WORK! I WILL MAKE MY KIDNEYS WORK! Everything I'm referring to will help my kidneys AND the baby process. So.. whether we do IVF (YES WE WILL!) or we get pregnant naturally, I WILL HAVE A BIOLOGICAL BABY!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Apparently I don't know my body as well as FF. I just got my period, making this month technically "normal" at 34 days (I put it down for tomorrow since it's late). And, I may actually be functional because I think if I did O it was probably a day or two after FF said, making this a 12-13 day LP! Weird stuff going on, but I'm glad to have my period. Hopefully by next month I'll have all my documentation so I can do the HSG in January. I hope I hope I hope!
I definitely didn't ovulate. Damn you, solid crosshairs! I know my body. I know I didn't. I don't know if I will, or if I'll just eventually get my period. I hate what the prednisone is doing to the rest of my body.. I hope it starts working on the part it's designed for! I have another 24 hour urine coming up on Sunday, so.. maybe I'll get some good news!? I'm not expecting as much again, but it would be nice. I'm hoping around the third month to see some really good stuff, and this is 9 weeks. I'll be disappointed if it's not looking better, but again, it's still early in treatment.

I decided to stop being a baby, and I asked the nephrologist for a note saying it's OK for me to get the HSG. I want to get that done and in the rearview, so if he gets it to me soon, I could get it done next cycle since I have no period in sight yet. That would be just grand. I just want it overwith at this point. It's my last stumbling block other than the kidneys to getting this show on the road. It would be nice to know there wasn't a blockage, too. Sometimes I still feel like I've got issues in there, so it'll be good to have a clear picture.

I'm SO READY to be pregnant! I'm trying to get myself used to the idea of not starting until March or so, but I really hope we get to start in February. I have a business trip on the 13th and I'd love to be on BCPs then, or at least have a timeframe. That's over 2 months from now, so that's not too much to ask for. Come on, kidneys... heal, guys! You can do it!!!!

Monday, November 29, 2010

I think FF was completely wrong about me ovulating. I did have two high temps, but the rest have been in the mid 97s. I'm still well above my coverline, but I was for a week or so prior to "ovulation" as well. I keep feeling pain like my body is trying to ovulate, but it's just not happening. I know this can be a side effect of prednisone, so I'm hoping that's all it is. My cycle was pretty regular last time I was on prednisone, but, even though I took extreme doses 9 days out of six months, my maintenance dose was 35 mg as opposed to 120. Fortunately, I just stepped down to 100mg, and in two weeks I will be down to 80, then two weeks later 60, then 40. Hopefully by January I'll be getting a pretty normal cycle again. I'm hopign those 5mg don't make a huge difference. I know things will some how resolve themselves, but I'm growing so impatient. Especially with this baby shower coming up. I'm so not excited to see all the new mommies and babies. I just hope that I get to have one of my own soon. I know everyone will be excited for me so I'm trying to power through this and have a good time and be supportive. I'm trying!! I'm also emailing my doctor for a note to get the HSG, so hopefully that'll be done either this cycle or next, and then I'm ready to go once I get good news. I want to get this show on the road, and I'm scared in the mean time, so.. hopefully things start progressing in a positive manner soon!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Baby shower shopping is not fun for an infertile. I went to Babies R Us and couldn't help but get a little sucked in. I watched people making registries and women with perfect little baby bumps perusing the aisles with teeny tiny outfits in hand. I just... walked. I kept seeing things I wanted to at closer, but I didn't have a reason to and I didn't want to torture myself further, so I stuck to the registry, picked out what I wanted, and left. I went with a "bath" theme, and bought one of the baskets she wanted and filled it with adorable baby robes and towels, bedtime soap and lotion, and then a little ducky sleeper thing with ducks for feet. It was very cute, and it made me a little sad. My coworker has been complaining lately that she's not ready.. that she should've waited, etc. And I'm really not the person she should be talking with about that. But I don't feel so bad because even one of her mommy friends noticed it and said she got herself into the position. It's not that she's not happy... but... if she wants to complain about getting pregnant too fast, I'm just the wrong person to tell.

Still, the baby shower will be nice, and I hope she likes what I picked out. I'm throwing her work baby shower, too, and I'm excited for that now that more people are coming. It's still hard to talk about constantly, but I'm still hopeful that I'll be going through IVF soon and having my own.

I've decided I have to really work on my diet. I need to do everything I can to up my chances of conceiving, and of my prednisone working. I think losing weight will definitely help. I haven't weighted myself in a while, but I know I've been eating horribly, and if I don't want to put on another 30 pounds like last time, I need to start paying attention. I don't think I weigh more than when I started it, but still.. I need to LOSE for the IVF. I think hearing the meds aren't working yet gave me a little of "What's the use?" but I know I can't have that attitude. I know I can help myself by eating better and exercising. It should help my hormones, my blood sugar, and put less strain on my kidneys. So Monday I'm back at it! And going to the damn gym! I am doing another 24 hour urine soon and I want good news this time, so I have to do what I can to help.

This whole process is driving me insane, but it's too early to give up hope. I have to help my body help itself, and that's what I am going to do.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

After a few hours of being depressed, I decided to change my outlook a little last night. I made an executive decision that we'll be trying to have a baby the old fashioned way until my kideys either get better or crap out. It's not impossible for us to conceive. I ovulate, and Andy has good swimmers. His count is a bit low, and his morph is 5%, but his motility is fine, and he had over 30million last time. So why couldn't one of those find the egg? It might take longer than a normal couple, but that doesn't mean it won't happen! I know people who have conceived naturally with 1% morph! I need to have more faith in God, and actually give us a chance. We'll still do the IVF as soon as my numbers are OK, but until then, why not try? It might happen! Espcially if it takes longer than expected to start the IVF. Prednisone isn't category D or X or anything. And I'm stepping down my dose next week, and then again at least once (maybe twice) before O.

Do I expect it to work? Maybe. Stranger things have happened. I do still have hope the prednisone will work, that it's just taking a while. Andy's not ready to talk about "what if it doesn't work" yet. So I'm just going to live my life. I'm tired of being depressed and letting my kidneys dictate everything. As I've said before, I do believe in God, and I think things will work out the way he wants them to. I might not like it, and I might love it.. but either way, things WILL work out. And I'm not ready to give up having faith and hope yet.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The doctor called. So far the prednisone is not working. I'm trying very hard not to be upset. It took 3 1/2 months to get positive results last time, and this is a slightly different regimine. But it's very hard, and I'm depressed. My husband is convinced... so much so that he's promised me... that we'll have a baby together. I'm devastated, but trying not to be. I know this might just take some time. I was only on the medicine for 5 weeks when I did the test, and it has to first kill your immune system, which does take some time. I'm going another test not this weekend but next. Hopefully that will show some improvement. That'll be 2 months on the medicine.

I'm a little heartbroken but trying my best to be positive. My husband wouldn't lie to me, and he says we'll have a baby together, so I have to believe him. My doctor is not worried yet. It's hard to be positive, but I'm doing my best. I just want this to work!
I got crosshairs on my FF chart today. It still makes me smile, even if it doesn't "mean" anything. Just to know that something is functioning in there. I'd figured as much yesterday when I hit almost 98 degrees. That's a certain post-O temp for me, so it looked like it happened in a semi-timely manner this month. I'd figured it was on around day 22, but FF says 20. I think it's off, but we'll see when AF comes.

I'm dealing with everything that's been happening the best I can today. I want so much to be a mommy at my next birthday. Or to be an expecting mommy. It's hard knowing it might not happen. That my kidneys just may not cooperate at all. It's very frustrating for me, and the waiting makes it worse. I turned in my 24 hour urine over two weeks ago now and I still don't have results. It's not fair to make me wait like this. I understand that he's busy, and was out of town... but that doesn't make me sitting here obsessing on what could be any easier. I need to know what's happening in my own body... what steps to take, what to expect, if Im' improving at ALL. If I'm not... well.. that could mean the end of the dream of a biological baby, and to withhold that information from me is criminal. I'm angry... very angry. I want to enjoy Thanksgiving and I'm pissed... that this is such a big deal and no one cares but me. If I don't have my results by the end of the day today, there will be hell to pay.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Still no news from the doctor. I finally broke down and called. I hate doing that because they get really annoyed, but I turned in my results a week ago Monday. 9 business days is enough to get a response. Apparently the doctor has been out of town, so that makes sense, but the lab has a history of sending the results to the wrong place, so hopefully when he's back in the office they'll be waiting. I want to know what's going on. My ankles swelled up like crazy yesterday, so that's not good. I am sure it's due to the fact that my diet has been completely in the shitter. I've gained 2.5 pounds back. I think on a subconcious level it's a little bit of "Well I don't know my results, and we're not starting yet, so I still have a little bit of time". But the RE did stress once again that I still have like 8 pounds or something to lose. 10 now I guess! I don't plan to pay much attention to my diet this weekend. It's my 30th birthday on Monday and we're going out all weekend and I plan to enjoy it. I'll get back in the swing on Monday. Now that I'm feeling better and the ancxiety is at least somewhat decreased, I feel I can start working on my eatnig habits again.

I'm not going to do the obligatory turning 30 post, but I'll say it - I expected to be a mom by now. Or at least pregnant. I remember when I got married over a year ago thinking I'd be pregnant by now. And then we were on a forced break until February. And then we started and I was so hopeful. And here we are.. turning 30 on Monday on another forced break. *sigh* I'm scared to be hopeful that I'll be pregnant or give birth by my 31st birthday. All I need is my kidneys to get better and then we'll be doing IVF... a couple of times if needed. I do have hope that it'll work, but I'm scared to get excited about it.

Ironically, the doctor's office called while I was writing this. They were able to get my labs (only after calling Quest Diagnositc for them) so he'll be back in on Monday and hopefully calling me then. That means it'll be good news, right? Since it's my birthday? I hope so. I keep telling myself that last time I was on prednisone the first few results weren't great. It took 3 months or so to get positive results, and this was done after only 5 weeks, so if it's not good news, it might just take more time. Yes, I keep teling myself this. But I don't know how I'll feel if it's actually bad news. The idea of not having a baby because of my kidneys is looming in front of me. I wish we could just be fertile and try on our own, but we're not, and we can't. My fertility future lies in the hands of 3 doctors who, while well-meaning, will never be in my position, having someone else decide something SO BIG for them. And if they say no, we'll be going to a new clinic and starting over. I wont give up on this dream. But I hope my kidneys cooperate and I don't have to worry about it.

For now, I'm going to forget fertility and have a good weekend. I'm going to a happy hour tonight, a bar tomorrow, and a football game and then Cheesecake Factory for my birthday with my favorite people - mom and dad and my brother and sister-in-law. And hubs, of course, who will be celebrating his birthday too since it's a week later. I'm excited, and Christmas always puts me in a good mood. I just hope I get some good news next week to go with it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I hate when a BFP brings me down. It's not that I'm not happy for the person, but there's always a part of me that thinks "Really!? HOW!?" Sometimes, when someone who has MFI gets a natural BFP, I think "Why can't that be me? Why do they get to have lower morph than us but get a natural BFP?" I know it's horrible, and I feel guilty, but I can't help what goes through my head sometimes. I try not to be so negative but I feel like it should've been enough that I had the kidney disease. Why did Andy have to have MFI too? And what if something else is wrong? I just sometimes feel like it's never going to happen, because I don't have years to keep trying. I have to have approval from doctors to do treatments, and it's so unlikely we'll get pregnant without it. So if I don't get the approval, I don't get a baby, and it's so freaking unfair.

*sigh* OK. I'm going to have to find a better way to deal with this. I think I'd feel better if I had my test results. It's been an entire week now since I turned them in. I'd think as important as this is they would let me know ASAP what the results were. I want to know how my kidneys are doing. This prednisone SUCKS with a capital S, and I'd like to know if it's having any effect at all. On a brighter note, today is the start of week 7, so two weeks from today I get to move to 100mg, then 2 weeks later to 80, then 60, then 40. Thank GOD. But, I also want to make an appointment with the High risk OB, and I want to get our planned straightened out, so I need to know what's going on. I'm tired of getting different plans from each of them. Plus I need approval to do the HSG and I want to get that over with!!!!

All of this worrying is driving me insane. I need to get started with SOMETHING soon!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I'm having a lot of trouble with the baby thing right now. I guess it's because I'm shopping for the shower for honeymoon baby coworker. I just want a baby so much and I'm so scared it won't happen. I don't want to wait 2 months after the prednisone because it might not last that long. And she said before she was OK with me being on it. I just wish I could be normal. I wish we didn't have MFI and I didn't have a kidney problem and we could give trying the old fashioned way a shot.

Still, I looked at my ankles today and I saw so much definition. There was NO water retention. NONE at all. And prednisone makes you retain water and kidney disease makes you retain water. And before I started the prednisone I was getting so much of it. I really hope this is a good sign but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. I don't have any results yet. I want to wait until I hear some results before I make the appointment with the OB. Andy keeps pushing me to make the appointment, and it's cute because it shows how much he really cares. And I do need to see her, I just don't want to hear her say I need to wait 6 months. I don't think I could handle that!!! That'll have been like an 8 month break and that's just terrible! I know my nephrologist REALLY wants to get going as soon as possible, so I'm hoping they can come to an agreement. I hope it's the agreement he already said they had, which is 3-4 months from start. Which means 2-2.5 months from now!

I'm just so excited about being pregnant and being a mommy. I hope the IVF works so much. I want to feel my little one moving around in me and see my belly growing and then hold him in my arms. Ugh.. the waiting is driving me nuts and I want it so much. I really hope things work out. I'm so scared something will go wrong but I'm trying to be positive. We'll be praying constantly and doing everything we can. I'm so ready to get started!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

My ovaries are doing something. I don't know what, but something. Both of them have been hurting on and off all day. Not like "Holy crap if I move my ovary is going to explode through my skin" like on day 10, but it hurts nevertheless. I've also been feeling cramps, and I'm not sure what that's all about, but it's not doing anything more than annoy me. At least something is happening. I'd love to ovulate, and I'd particularly love to do it before day 32. Just to know things are still happening in there. The RE asked about my cycles and I told her last month was over 40 days. I asked if it would be a problem and she said no, but it still made me nervous.

She said that if my July day 3 ultrasound was any indication, I should have plenty of eggs available, but I keep seeing people get like... 20 eggs and end up with 1 or 2 for transfer, and that makes me nervous. I hope we can get some good ones. I did discover that my insurance doesn't cover FET, only fresh IVF. It's very weird, but I guess we'll have to pay for the FET out of pocket if we need one. It'll still be cheaper than doing another fresh cycle. I don't know why I'm thinking that way though.. I should be more positive.

I do still have a lot of work to do over the next couple of months on my anxiety and Andy has lots of things to work on too, so I'm glad to have this time, but I still wish we could get started. I know things will never be perfect, and timing will never be exactly what I want, but I do want everything to be as stable for us as possible, and all the crazy things that have happened to us, from the tumor to my kidneys to the infertility have caused lots of emotional things for us to deal with. It's good for us to have some time to work on ourselves so I'm trying to look at the positives.

I really want to get my kidney numbers back though to have an idea of what's going on and what our timeline will be. I hate how long it takes to hear anything! Anyway, we ordered food (again) so it's time to eat!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

We had our IVF consult this morning. I was a little upset because she said the last notes she had from the OB said that we were going to wait until 2 months after the prednisone to do the IVF. This was not my understanding from either her or the nephrologist. She did say the notes were from September before we straightened everything out, though, so hopefully it's just a mixup. I'm going to make an appointment with the OB, because I know my nephrologist is under the impression that we're going to start as soon as my kidneys look better. She did go through the whole thing with me and explained how it all works (which I already knew). She won't do the HSG until my nephrologist gives the OK, so I need to contact him about that so I can get it done. So basically we're not moving forward yet, but it seems to be a series of miscommunications.

Andy and I got in a huge fight after the appointment because he was supposed to get his MRI, but he was being a baby and didn't pick up his medication for it. It then came out that he hasn't been taking his tumor medication for two months. Needless to say we got in a HUGE fight. HUGE! The kind where I need to take a nap because I'm so angry and upset. He came to his senses and apologized hardcore, but I really didn't need the added stress. I know he never, ever lets out his emotions about everything we've been through, but he gets really upset about it all and internalizes it and it ends up causing fights like this. I try to give him a bit of a pass because I know how hard things have been, but he was being a giant jerk today. We did have a long talk about it though and we worked some things out that needed to be worked out. That's the one good thing about our big fights... we communicate and get things out and work on things that need to be worked on. And he actually listens once he's done being ridiculous. So things are ok now, but it's been a shitty day. I know everyone that struggles with infertility understands the husband fights. We've just been going through so much and need a break!

There was good news out of today, though. We found out that our IVF is approved through insurance. They already have the OK to start, and the insurance company told them that as soon as they officially filed, they'd have the authorization number and we'll be on our way. I asked her about the 2 year waiting period. Apparently Maryland has a mandate for IVF that if you have endo or MFI, you don't have to wait 2 years. I didn't know that and it's REALLY cool to know that at least one major hurdle is all clear. We got our pricing, too. It's $3500 for the IVF and ICSI, and then they're expecting about $1000 for meds. $4500!!! That's not bad!!! It'll be another $1200 for freezing, but that's OK. She did says she's only going to put 1 embryo in but she expects me to be a good responder and have plenty of eggs. So there's some great stuff that came out of today's appointment, I just need to find a way to get a straight answer from the OB and the nephrologist and have them communicate it to the RE. I'm going to call tomorrow to make the appointment. I really don't mind if we have to wait until Feb. or so. I want to work on this anxiety still, but I just want to know it's going to happen. Andy still says he has no doubts that it'll work out and we'll get to do the IVF, but I'm still nervous. Last time, 2 months after the prednisone my kidneys weren't doing so well, so I'm not excited about that. I'm trying to stay positive, I just want it all straightened out.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I haven't been as obsessed with babies the last few months. I suppose it was because we were only sort-of trying, and I was 99% sure nothing would happen. Plus I was so involved in my anxiety I didn't really want to think about it. I suppose one blessing (or curse?) of my new medication is that I feel a little more like me again, which means... I'm obsessed. Again. It's driving me insane not to be trying. And for this month, though I'll be charting, we'll be TTA. I hate that. But when I went to the endocrinologist she brought up a good point about the prednisone and my insane blood sugar that I honestly hadn't thought much of. My sugar has been spiking up to 350 which is terrible. It's all prednisone-related, but I'll be cutting my dose in 1/3 over the next two months, so that should chill my blood sugar.

I have a baby shower to go to in December, and I'm planning a work shower for a good friend. So far I've been really enjoying it, and I hope that attitude continues. I just keep trying to think that her being pregnant doesn't mean I won't get to be at some point. It seems like a silly thing to have to remind myself of, but sometimes that's how it feels. At least in December we will be doing somthing - a testing cycle. I think anyway. I don't know why she wouldn't do it since they will accept those results for a year, and we should be going forward in January or February. I don't know how my protein is, but I don't think it's low enough yet. This is gross, but I am still getting foamy urine, which means there is still protein. Now it might have dropped, but I don't think it'll have dropped quite enough. That's OK because I want to lose some more weight and work on my behavioral therapy for the OCD some more. It's hard waiting but I know it's best.

I managed to sit Andy down and talk to him a while the other night about all of this. I'm glad he's so positive, but sometimes I think he just assumes we'll just.. do the IVF, have a perfect baby, end of story. While I am hopeful that that's the case, it is possible the IVF won't work. My kidney disease also raises the chances of pre-eclampsia quite a bit. The chances of pre-term delivery are very high for me, and I could be on bed rest. I wanted to make sure he knew that I'm complicated, and even in the best case, this isn't going to be like everyone else's pregnancy journey. He insisted that he understood, that he's ready, and that he's excited. I know he wants this baby, but I know that he's said he could survive if he didn't have one, so I wanted to be sure he wants to deal with everything. I don't think he really understands how all of this works, but I also don't think he admits just how much he wants to have a baby. I've seen him shed a tear over it, which means he wants it more than he thinks he does. His defense mechanism is firmly in place, but I'm hoping things work out so we can be at least a little less stressed than I'm thinking we will be.

To show how excited I am about gearing up for the upcoming appointment (AH TUESDAY!) and IVF cycle, I've been looking at baby stuff again. I've decided that, much to my mom's chagrin, I want a pack-n-play with a co-sleeping insert, so I can keep my baby next to me for the first month or so. I also want a glider rocker for the baby's room. and I'm re-thinking my cloth diapering. Andy doesn't have any interest in those sorts of decisions, so I have free rein. I think he'll have more to say once our child is conceived, but for now I'm enjoying picking things out. I've designed the nursery in my head, too.

I really hope my kidneys cooperate and the IVF works. I hope our insurance covers it (they mentioned again the whole '2 years duration and trying using other covered methods thing, but I think if the RE talks to them we might be able to convince them that in our case, IVF makes more sense than IUI) and I hope we don't have any serious problems. I'm so excited for all of this stuff to start.. I just hate waiting to get it started!

Also, I plan to put my kid in this if it's a boy ASAP. I love sharks. And look at the little hat!!!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

OK. I'm ready for a baby already. I know I'm still trying to deal with the anxiety disorder, but... man do I want to be pregnant. I hate that my friends are actively trying and I have to sit on the sidelines. I keep wanting to give Andy that 1 cycle, but I don't want to do it while I'm on the super high doses of prednisone. It's messing with my blood sugar too much. I get to step down to 100mg in the beginning of December and will be at 60 by January, which is a much more workable dose. I guess we'll discuss everything at the appointment on Tuesday. I can't believe we have a real IVF consult on Tuesday!!!! I know it's not a normal one because we can't come up with an exact timeline, but we'll have a "as soon as my kidneys look better" timeline. I imagine December will be a testing cycle. The only test I need (I think) is the HSG, but I'll be on CD11, and I doubt they'll set it up for the next day, so I'll miss the window. I'm not too upset about that lol. I want meds. I know I'm being a baby about it. I know this. But no one but me knows just how sensitive my cervix is (now you can guess, but I doubt you want to). I'm actually a little nervous about the results. I get a lot of weird cramping that I hope is actually normal, but always makes me nervous.

I was thinking today about Andy holding our little one and holding his hand while he learns to walk. I just can't wait. Dont tell Andy, but I actually feel like our first baby will be a girl. I know he wants a boy, but as soon as our baby is born he won't care. He's a little sensitive because he knows it's still very possible we'll only get to have 1 biologically, and he really wants to pass on those genes with the family name. I get that, which is why I'm hoping it's a boy too (if it was up to me I'd want a girl!).

I dunno.. I feel better about things today. I know I'm going to be very complicated with the kidneys and the prednisone stuff, but I have great doctors who know what we're up against. My blood pressure has been a little high lately (damn kidneys) so I REALLY need to stop stressing or my doctor is going to put me on a blood pressure medication. I don't need ANY more things to get in my way. The endocrinologist did say today that my A1C has gone down, and she was amazed that this happened on prednisone, so I'm very excited. She did say that I'm pre-diabetic, so she expects me to have some sugar issues during pregnancy. GREAT. I guess it's important I lose as much weight as possible then, because she also said it's weight-related. At least I'm moving in the right direction. If we can just get to February I think I can lose a significant amount of weight and right the blood pressure and sugar. I want a HEALTHY baby and that requires me being as healthy as possible. I'm doing everything I can. This kidney thing is annoying as crap because without it I wouldn't have the sugar or the bp issues!!! ARGH. Well, we play the hand we're dealt, so.. hopefully the prednisone will work and these things will get better.

I'm ready for my baby!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Mmmmm. I'm sitting here getting ready to head to bed with a warm belly full of tension-tamer decaf tea. It feels good. I actually feel pretty good tonight. After the last two weeks that's quite a relief. I weighed myself (unofficially) this morning and I'm down almost 14 pounds from my highest weight ever. And I'm actually under my "former highest weight ever" lol. As in, pre-prednisone weight. This means I might be pretty close to my goal by my IVF consult on Tuesday. I'm very excited! I wore a sweater today that I couldn't wear in January/February.

I've been thinking more about this medication thing, and I guess I'm still not decided. I'm thinking of sticking with it in the beginning. I still want to be off of it by 20 weeks, because the main side effect is that PPH that comes in the last 20 weeks with SSRI use. I'm going back and forth, but I know I'll make the decision that's right for us. I think it's important to have as little anxiety as possible in the beginning of the pregnancy, so I guess we'll see.

I'm going to track my temp this month and see what's going on and if I have a normal cycle. I didn't get to do my 24 hour urine test because my period came the day before, and that messes up the test. I'm MAD because I really wanted to know this week, but we should know next week.

I'm really hopeful that I will keep feeling good. I don't know if it's the meds or I'm just having a good day, but at least I can see that good days are possible. It's a nice feeling. I know people are going to judge if I stay on my medication for the first 20 weeks, but this is something I'm really trying to figure out. I need to talk to the high risk OB again. I wish she was easier to get a hold of!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Well I talked to Andy tonight about how I'm feeling about the Lexapro. I told him I was very uncomfortable with the idea of being on it while pregnant. At first he said "Well you just have to make a decision you can live with" and I was like "Uh, no. This is a WE thing. This is OUR baby so.. you're in this". I know what he meant was just that he knows I know more about how I'm feeling and about the risks, and he thinks I'm qualified to make the decision. I told him that I want to try the medication for as long as I can and see how I feel, but that unless I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT SURVIVE I want to come off of it when we start bcps. I will definitely stop taking it by week 20, because the risk of persistent pulmonary hypertension increases 6 times when the mother takes an SSRI during the last 20 weeks. I told my husband we might have to go back to dealing with high-anxiety me for 9 months, and he said "then we deal with it". And we'll know we have a medication to go back to as soon as we have the baby.

I feel good about this. I think the high risk OB will too. I'm not sure how the psychiatrist will but I'll discuss it with her in two weeks. I've definitely seen people taking it for short periods, so we'll see. But this is a decision that makes me feel good, so I'm going with it as long as it's ok to be on it for a short time. Who knows, it still may not work, but for now I'm feeling a little more hopeful. And I feel like I'm making the right choice for my baby. And... another point for IVF... total cycle control. I can be on the meds because I will know exactly when we're going forward. We'll still have to talk about that 1 cycle thing, but we can talk about that after we get my test results.

I had my appointment with the Psychiatrist today. I'm actually very relieved. I was nervous because you never know how you'll feel with a psychiatrist but I felt extremely comfortable with her. We really only had 2 options for medications for me: Prozac and Lexapro. The side effects are supposed to be very similar. Although prozac has been studied better in pregnancy, and I took it previously and it worked well, I chose the Lexapro. She was very clear that there are some risks, but she said that in my case, it was very clear that the benefits far outweigh the risks. She said that if it was her, she would take it. She said she's very honest about things like that, and if she were me she would do it. Says a lot about my mental state, right!? 

Anyway, I'm very unhappy about being on anything. I talked with my husband and he thinks this is the right thing to do, but it's just not sitting well with me. The high risk OB did call me back but I couldn't get to the phone, so I haven't talked to her yet. I definitely want to hear her take on which drug is better, and if she says Prozac is better, I'll call the psychiatrist and switch it. There's a reason I'm kind of happy about the Lexapro though. Apparently it has a much shorter half-life and works much faster. People often see some benefit within 1-2 weeks and full benefit at 4 weeks... the other side of that coin is that it gets out of your system very quickly. So here's the thing. I don't know if this medication will even work for me, and I also have no idea when the IVF is going to be. So one option we do have is to try it, see if it works, and if I don't like it I can come off of it, or I can stop it when we start the IVF cycle since it'll be out of my system right away. At minimum, I could get a few months of relief, find a drug that works that I could start on as soon as the baby was born, and work on behavioral therapy in the mean time. Also, from my own research, the main concern is lung issues when the drug is taken after 20 weeks, so there is the possibility of taking it until then and weaning off. So there are some things to think and talk about. I don't feel comfortable taking the drug my whole pregnancy, but I don't feel comfortable having this kind of anxiety right now when I'm NOT going through the IVF, and if I can be comfortable, even for a few months, I want to. For right now, I'm just excited at the prospect of actually being normal again in a few weeks. Even if it's short-lived, I'll know there's a drug that works for me... that I can go back to after we have our beautiful baby.

All of that said (and still clearly undecided about what to do when IVF time comes), I still don't have my period. I thought I did. I got bloody CM (I know you wanted to know that). But then nothing. Very weird. I guess it'll be here tomorrow... which still gives me a really short LP, but hey, what else has been normal about this cycle? We'll see what happens. And I have my RE appointment in a week and a half, and I'll be finding out the results of my 24 hour urine next week, so I'll at least have some idea of how the prednisone is working and when we might look at IVF. Progress is being made.. now I just have some decisions to face. I know I absolutely do not want to take an SSRI the last 20 weeks of my pregnancy. I guess we'll see about beforehand. I'll talk to the OB and see what she thinks before finalizing anything. This whole thing sucks, but if nothing else, a few months of SSRI & behavioral therapy before IVF is better than nothing!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I just want to say that I have so much respect for those of you who don't normally ovulate in a regular fashion. I am currently on day 40 (the longest of my cycles since I started charting in 2008!) and I got bad cramps today so I think my period is coming over the next few days. I feel like it has been years rather than just over a month. I simply can't imagine having the stess of "Will I ovulate?" and "Will I ever get my period?" on top of "Am I ever going to get pregnant?". It's a horrible feeling having no idea what's going on in there... and I know some people who get 60+ day cycles, or need meds to start a period. You are all very strong women for enduring this sort of anxiety on a regular basis.

On another note, I've lost 6.2 pounds in the last two weeks according to our Biggest Loser at work challenge. That's 2.17% of my body weight, and I'm psyched. I have exactly 8.8 pounds to lost to my IVF weight, and I did weigh with clothes (and shoes!) on this morning. It still weighs 3.8 pounds heavier than home, but my clothes and shoes probably weigh close to that.

I called the high risk OB about medications for my OCD. I think she'll be the most knowledgeable and with information from her I can formulate a plan. I have to do something. I had a panic attack this morning with shortness of breath and everything. That's bad for baby too, so I guess we'll see what she says. The good thing about monitoring my cycles (I'm continuing to do so right now) is that I know exactly what's going on when, so there will be no "Oops! I'm pregnant, but still on this medication!" things happening. Andy wants to try one more natural cycle before the IVF, so I'm trying to figure that out. I can't make any decisions until after I talk to the OB, but we'll formulate a plan then. He came up to me and said "Can we have one more 'honey we need to do it RIGHT NOW' month before the IVF?". I'd like to accomodate if we can, 'cause I'd like to have one more natural cycle out of the way too. Just for peace of mind. I've been doing more research and I really don't want to take an SSRI, so I'm thinking about the whole Xanax as needed plan. It's category D, but because I know where I am in my cycle all the time, I can know when not to take it. At the same time, the SSRI would provide more long term benefit, and allow me to be less anxious, which is better for baby's cognitive and emotional development. I think if I wasn't so severely impacted (I almost couldn't work because of this morning's panic attack) I wouldn't even be considering it. I HATE MAKING THESE CHOICES. Chances are my baby would be fine.. but what if my baby is the 1 in 100 that has a problem from it or something? Then I have to live with that.

I just don't know what to do.. so instead of worrying I'm going to try to relax. I think tonight that might mean alcohol. Ahh, the (few/one) joys of NOT being pregnant.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Fear and Loathing in Eldersburg

I went to the nephrologist this morning. It was just a sort of "How are the meds working" visit, and it was OK. He mentioned the IVF a few times and said if he gets good numbers next week he's going to tell the high risk OB he thinks we should go for it. He's honestly concerned about me and my future in all aspects and that's a really cool thing for a doctor. He wants me to stay on the prednisone as well, which I was sort of nervous about because of all the side effects. My family seems to think the chest issues (palpitations, feeling my heart beating a lot) are from anxiety, and this wouldn't surprise me at all. He also mentioned that prednisone ups anxiety. I have an appointment on Friday to see about getting on medication. I've been researching the various drugs a lot, and I know what I absolutely will not take. I'm hesitant to take anything, but at the same time, I'm thinking "If I'm having panic attacks and irregular heartbeat and chest pain due to anxiety... what would that do to my baby?". My OCD has been classified as moderate to severe, and I don't know that it wouldn't be worse for my baby to deal with the constant anxiety. We're not talking some normal nervousness, but real panic... almost every day.

I keep thinking to myself how much better it would be if we could just take 6 months and use some medication and try to get my anxiety under control first, but... from talking to the Dr. today, it's just not an option. He actually wants me to get pregnant as early into my prednisone treatment as possible to ensure the prednisone is still helping my kidneys for as much of a pregnancy as possible. Like he's really unconvinced that it will help long term. And am I willing to completely give up my dreams of a baby because of an anxiety disorder? No, I'm not. It's taking so much else of my life away from me that I'm putting an end to it. If I have to use a low-mid dose of a medication, then I think that's what I have to do. If it was mdoerate anxiety I think I would avoid it, but as severe as it is, I honestly believe it would be worse for the baby to just leave it. So I hope everyone isn't thinking "wow, what a horrible mother you're going to be" because I'm not willing to risk not having a baby at all because of a maybe 1% increased risk of something. and the evidence is so conflicting. Does that make me a bad person? I dunno. But I don't think anyone should judge me until they've been faced with the decision themselves... because it's horrible. My life is one horrible decision after another and I'm not letting go of this one.. of trying to have a biological baby, until someone says "Erika, I'm sorry, you just can't". I've also tossed the thought around of seeing if they'll give me Xanax on super bad days, so that I can continue using behavior therapy, and just have the meds for if it gets REALLY bad.. so I don't have to miss work. It's short-acting, so I could just.. not use it.. when I'm pregnant but it would still help me get through the horrible days while allowing me to practice the cognitive behavioral therapy for a few months and hopefully start benefitting more from that before pregnancy.

In other news, I have lost weight. I was not even 10 pounds from the weight limit for IVF on the doctor's scale this morning. He said he could tell I've lost weight and that given that I'm on prednisone in such a high dose, he's amazed. He was clearly impressed. Me too. He actually said he was going to talk to Dr. Neale about the weight limit since I'm so close and under extraordinary circumstances. I had very little water retention which is also cool. I do, however, have to get an ultrasound of my kidneys on Friday. They're not expecting to find anything but he wants to see if there's anything visible causing the pain I've been in.

I guess I'm just stressed out today, but what else is new? I want the OCD to go away, and I want to chill out! I feel like I don't enjoy anything anymore because I'm falsely anxious (OCD anxiety is so weird. I'd rather have a real problem any day. I've never felt anxious about anything that was a real issue [OCD anxiety feels like dread. Literal dread though, not like "I'm dreading work tomorrow"]. Nervous, down, upset, sure.. but not anxious like this. I HATE OCD.), and when I'm not falsely anxious I'm worried about my kidneys, and when I'm not thinking about my kidneys I'm thinking about baby struggles. Well, next Sunday is my 24 hour urine so I should know next week if the prednisone is working. AHHHHHHHH!!!! I want my results right now!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Infertility At Work

Infertility is a touchy subject all the time, but especially at work. Today we had a baby shower where I found out a co-worker was pregnant with baby #2. She got pregnant exactly 1 year after #1 was born, so I'm pretty sure it was the first month trying. she was pregnant within 3 months of her wedding, so.. no problems there. Two other girls there were pregnant as well. Both on their first month trying. Two others who had just had babies.. 1 first month, 1 wasn't even trying. What a time that was. When I returned to my desk I started discussing one of the girls' upcoming showers with the 2 new moms. Neither one of them really knew I was trying but I kind of mentioned that we'd been having some issues. Just in a joking, "So which waterfountain have y'all been using?" kind of way. They were discussing their infants and both said "Oh, we can change the subject if it makes you uncomfortable!". *sigh* We all know how that one feels... I know they're trying to be nice but I feel like a bit of a freak. So I said "NO! I love it! Seriously. It’s not always easy but babies are amazing and everyone should be psyched to talk about their kids. Me having trouble doesn’t make it any less awesome that your babies are doing cool stuff. I just know a lot of people don’t talk about it but I think it’s cool because if you ever run into anyone else that has trouble they can see “Hey, there are options.” So I think I handled it pretty tactfully without sounding insincere. Now they're making jokes about how I need to have twin boys to fill the world up with more since everyone else is having girls.

I think it makes people uncomfortable, but I do like to be open about it. When I finally put baby stuff on Facebook, I plan to mention that our baby was conceived with fertility treatments (unless we have a miracle before then). I don't want to make people feel weird, but I know that there are other people out there struggling that don't have anyone to talk to and don't know about all of their options and things, so if someone needs to talk to someone, I want them to feel like they can talk to me. I think it's amazing how much people DON'T know about infertility. Things that are so normal to me, like talking about IVF and IUI and temping and OPKs, are so... unheard of to people who are fertile, or who aren't, but don't have any idea where to begin.

I'm not as convinced about ovulation anymore from my temp this morning, but I think I did. and if I didn't, I'd like my period please. I just want to be on to a new cycle. I got my IVF paperwork in the mail!!! Our initial deposit is going to be like 3600, plus it'll be around 1200 for cryopreservation and storage for a year. I'm incredibly thankful that my parents are paying for these things. I'm sure we'll have to pay them back for freezing but that's OK. I don't think we could come up with the deposit in time without them so I'm eternally grateful for this gift. We just have to get insurance approval and then be on our way. I'm so excited!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Well, I'm pretty sure I actually ovulated yesterday. Woo-hoo! It's only day 33! I did have a lot happen this month that could have delayed ovulation, though. Especially starting the new meds a few days before. But yesterday I had the tell-tale horrible pain in my right side and then I was crampy all night. I've been taking my temperature, though not really tracking, and it was finaly above 97.5, and I got up an hour earlier than usual, so it would've been at least in the 97.6s. It's just good to know that things are still working in there on some level. I started tracking in December 2008, and I've only had 2 cycles over 35 days, so that's pretty OK. I wonder about people with totally normal cycles lol. Nothing else to report.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I don't know why I feel the need to post about this, but... I do, so I'm going to. Erinn just came over to my desk to chat. We were talking about the crib she got last night and stuff. Before she got up to leave, she told me to put my hand on her belly, so I did, and I could feel the baby moving!! It was so cool. I was kind of surprised because she's only 24 weeks but I couldn't definitely feel it! I yelled "Oh my God that's so cool!" really loud lol. I dunno... I like it when I have real, honest-to-God happiness about this stuff. Despite my troubles, pregnancy and birth is really amazing and just the realization that there's really a little baby girl in there moving around is so cool.

I feel good about things today. I mean I'm still terrified about my kidneys, but I'm doing the best I can, and I just have to be positive and hopeful and confident that it will work. It did before, and I definitely feel like the prednisone is doing more. I know I was on a short-term higher dose previously, but I feel constantly the effects of a triple oral dose. I'm hoping that my kidneys are feeling the constant effects as well. I'm pretty sure I will be getting a slip for a 24 hour urine for the first week of November. I'm VERY nervous and curious to see how it goes. My last 24 hour urine was up 2000mg to 8000 total, but it was a very blatant overcollection of 2 hours, so I am going to set my alarm to make sure it's a perfect 24 this time. I'll be happy with ANY improvement because last time it took about 3 months to see better numbers. Ideally, it will be down to 2000-2500 in January-February. That's my goal anyway. It was 1700 last January, but I was on Ace Inhibitors so that may have helped. I mean we'll see what happens. I'm nervous but just so hopeful that we're able to get this started and that it works. I think we'll do a fresh cycle and if it works, awesome, but if not we'll head right into another or a FET. I'm hoping we can get insurance straightened out over the next few months. I'm sure I'll need letters from doctors, but I'm hopeful. If not, Andy and I will take out a loan for half, but I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that. I just want to get started!!! Come on, kidneys... heal, guys!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Other Side of the Coin

Some days, when I look at my life right now, I get depressed and wonder "why me?". I've spent $300 on (non-pregnancy-related) medications in the last month, and I feel like I'm just way too young to be doing this. I had to use the insulin pen this weekend, and, as always, I'm battling the OCD anxiety. I'm in a lot of pain physically as well. I get a lot of pain in the abdominal area on the right side, and in my left chest/shoulder, and then there's the kidney stuff. And the prednisone makes my lungs burn so it hurts to breathe. I'm not sure what all of these pains are, and I don't want to go to the doctor because I feel like they'll think I'm silly and I worry too much. Which may be true, but I'm just so careful after my kidney mis-diagnosis (I won't even get into how mad it makes me to think I wouldn't be in this pregnancy situation, or any of this pain, if my doctor had just paid attention to me and caught this disease sooner than 4 years after it started... and before I diagnosed myself). Today all of these things are rattling around in my brain, taking up so much room in my head that I can't concentrate. What I'm really trying to do is learn from all of these things. It's hard to see the positives but I'm trying so hard to look at what I'm going through and take something from it. Today's lesson is brown rice.

Before I started the medicine, my endocrinologist told me I was on the way to being diabetic... insulin resistant if you will. I knew she was right, but my blood sugar seemed normal pretty much, so I... I won't say I ignored her, but I just didn't give as much thought to it as I should have. When I took my blood sugar this weekend and it was over 350, it was a wake up call to me. I had to break out the insulin pen and give myself that shot. I had to call in for more test strips and supplies, and the price is just stacking up. And I realized I don't want to live like that. But that's where I'm headed if I don't take my health seriously. Aside from medicine-induced crap, I have the kidney disease and high cholesterol. Both of which are extremely diet-dependent, and my doctor thinks losing weight will improve my kidneys as well. And I've known this but never really taken things seriously. Right now my quality of life is not very good, and when I sit here and think of the fact that all of these problems will just get worse as I get older unless I make some serious changes, I realize I have to start now. For me, but also for this baby. I don't want to be pregnant and need insulin if I can help by making better choices. I don't want to feed my baby the processed.. everything.. that I eat. I don't want my baby to feel tired like I do because I'm lugging around all this extra weight. And with the time crunch I may not be able to make all of the changes I want to before IVF, but if we've got 3 months, that's 3 months of positive changes I can make to make me and my as-yet-unconceived child feel better.

So I started with an experiment. I've been following sparkpeople for some time, trying to reign in my calories and saturated fat intake. I've made half-hearted attempts to eat more fruits and vegetables, but if I look over my food logs, I've been doing a terrible job. I'll have 4 "pretty good" days and then a week where I eat pizza twice, have mozzarella sticks, and a bunch of soda and snacks. I know I can't change everything overnight, but I want to eat better foods, and last night as I was craving some fried rice, I decided to try something. I could have ordered takeout fried rice, with whatever oils and things they put in it, but I didn't. I went to the store and bought a mix, and made it at home. So what changes did I make?

Well, for starters, I cut and cooked my own all white meat chicken breast. I used smart balance oil with lots of Omega 3s and very little saturated fat. I put almost an entire bag of mixed vegetables (with big chunks of carrots and green beans) in, and I used egg beaters instead of eggs. Finally, I used brown rice. I've always had a problem with brown rice and I don't know where it came from, but with my blood sugar all over the place, and my general unhealthy state, I couldn't justify white rice. So I tried it. I put all of these things together and... it was AWESOME.

I'm glad that I did this because it showed me that I can make things healthy and tasty. And keeping this vigilant eye on my blood sugar has been eye-opening for me too. And while I'm not psyched about how terrible I feel, I know that I can take some things away from this experience that will help me to be a healthier person, and, consequently, a more able mother. I don't want my child to be slowed down by my sluggishness and weakness. And I want to be a good role model. Sometimes I like to take little guesses at why these things turn out the way they do, and as much as it sucks, I still hope and think that maybe God has a plan for  me after all. Maybe I can't see it, and maybe I won't like it, but maybe I need the things in my life now, as much as I may hate them, for something he has planned later on. Maybe not! I don't know... but I like to think that's the case. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. At least not a good reason. Sometimes our strength is tested for the sake of the test. And sometimes our experiences on the whole make us better able to handle life and... everything. But I do think I will get through this and be a better person for it. I hope so.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Well.. being a diabetic is not fun. I knew that while I was getting prednisone IVs it screwed up my blood sugar but part of me just didn't think it would in pill form. At first my sugars seemed ok, and I wasn't really testing much, but today I realized I need to. On a whim, I tested after eating 2 waffles with some syrup and it was 158. I'm supposed to take insulin if it's over 150 but I thought "It's super close and my timing is off.. I ate an hour and a half ago and I'm supposed to test before I eat" so I didn't take it. But, knowing it was high, I tested later in the afternoon and it was 358!!!! HOLY. Shit. So I had to suck it up and try the insulin. I had to take the max dose, and I was scared. I don't mind needles, but I didn't want to give one to myself. My friend was over and I asked her to sit with me while I did it. She's actually for real diabetic but isn't on insulin yet. I have a little pen, so I just pinched the skin by my belly button and placed the needle against the skin. Then I braced myself and shoved it in. And I didn't even feel it! I mean I really didn't feel it. I'm kind of happy just because I knew if I wanted to do IVF I would have to give myself needles and I was scared, but this pen is similar to a lot of the IVF needles and it wasn't an issue at all, so I'm glad I know that and it gives me one less thing to worry about as I go into it. It's still not exciting though and it's expensive. My pen is $60 bucks and may not even last a month. The strips are another 30, plus lancets... it's out of control. And I have good insurance! It's definitely teaching me that I need to lose weight though because I don't want to become actually diabetic. I'm very glad this is temporary and medication-induced. It's just not fun. I am feeling very sickly with all the medications I'm currently on. BUT I haven't seen any water retention in my ankles in two weeks and I'm hoping that's because the prednisone is doing its job. So... now I really need to lose that 15 pounds to make the IVF weight limit. I feel like such an ass. I was way under it when I started the meds last time but I was so down and just assumed it would make me gain weight that I let it make me gain.. 30 pounds! I'm an idiot. But.. not wanting to deal with insulin is making me make better food choices so hopefully in 2 or 3 months I'll have lost the weight, have my testing done, have better kidneys, and start IVF!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A Void...

Well I'm definitely depressed today. I called the RE last night to make sure they had talked to the OB about the kidney plan. They had talked, and are pretty much at "We'll pick back up when your kidneys improve". The problem is, my nephrologist wants to do the IVF RIGHT AWAY once my kidneys have improved, so I want to be ready. But it's like the RE doesn't even want to talk to me. I just want to get any testing and insurance issues out of the way so we can be ready as soon as we hear a number the OB likes on my protein. I don't know if I should push to talk to them or just wait? I know she doesn't want to move forward yet... I just want to have all my ducks in a row because we might not have much time once my kidneys align to get this process done. And what if we never get there? Ugh it sucks. I'm having trouble looking at my pregnant coworker. I HATE that the RE won't help unless the OB tells her to. We are infertile... the likelihood of us getting pregnant without her is slim... and especially in a healthy timeframe for me. If she says no I'm SCREWED and I hate that my life is dependent on other people's opinions. I should be allowed to decide for myself what to do.

I hate that it's hard to be around pregnant women and I dread pregnancy announcements. Why did we have to have kidney problems on top of infertility? If it was infertility without kidneys I could at least just look forward to IVF and not have this stupid window of time and have to wait for a doctor to decide I'm ALLOWED to have a baby. If it was just the kidneys I could just get pregnant on my own and take good care of myself. I'd be high risk but at least I'd have a shot. Why both? I know it doesn't help to ask why and I'll never get an answer but I just want to be a mom. I want a biological child.. I want the chance to feel my baby moving around inside me and it's not fair that I might not get that. I know.. it's not fair to everyone who might not, but I'm feeling it a lot right now. I don't mind.. I'd give anything to just go to IVF... it used to be a big fear and now I WELCOME it with open arms.. I just want the chance to try to have a baby. I want my kidneys to cooperate long enough for it... please, God let my kidneys improve so I can do IVF a few times and hopefully have a biological baby. I've given up so much of my life and my self and my mood to just survive the last few years. Please.. I deserve this so much... I deserve to have a baby of my own.

EDIT: I spoke to the nurse at my RE's office again. Apparently they were not aware of our plan to jump to IVF. The nurse consulted with the actual RE who said she she knows that I know we still have to wait for my kidneys to level out and completely understands my sense of urgency in getting all of my testing and insurance concerns put to rest ASAP. She is fully aware of the short timeframe and apparently had thought we were still planning IUI so that's why they didn't understand what I wanted to talk about since I didn't need to do anything further for IUI. I have a real IVF consult on 11/09. YAY! I'm going to start filing with my insurance then and see if we can get approved. I'm so glad she understands and wants to meet with us about our next steps! At least I can have a plan and take some time to convince my insurance if I need to. We have the money for it already. Now I just have to wait on my kidneys! I'm making progress!!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I didn't mention this in the last blog because I forgot about it, but I need to comaplain (surprise!) and I don't know where else to do it so I'm putting it here.

My kidney.. is an a-hole sometimes. Saturday was a very weird day and I'm not sure what to expect out of what happened. Basically, I get this dull ache in my back sometimes. Sometimes it is intense but usually it's just annoying. I also get sharp pains at times. My doctor always asks me if I have any pain and I tell him I do, but he doesn't say much about it. Well.. Saturday was one for the books. I'd been having the dull ache and a few of the sharp pains, but all of a sudden it got intense. On the right side of my spine in sort of the middle/lower part of my back I was getting HORRIBLE pains. It felt like someone was reaching through my back to try to yank out my kidney. That's how bad it was. It would get this sort of... I don't want to say pressure but it would feel weird for a second and then sort of.. throb out in a pulse of just.. absolute terror. I was actually screaming and crying. This went on for about ten minutes until I drank a ton of water and it went away. It was much worse than the sharp pains I'm used to. My dad says it sounds like a kidney stone, but it didn't last long and ended very abruptly, so I don't know. I'm going to mention it to the doctor when I see him again on the 25th, but I'm REALLY not happy about it. I don't need any more kidney damage, but I'd like to know if it's related to the IGA or if it's a random occurrence. There doesn't seem to be a correlation, but you never know. I'm not letting it go with a "Oh that sucks" this time though. I want to know what's going on because I don't want to go through that again! I really REALLY hope it was nothing. I don't need any more detours on my baby journey!
I'm still not excited about my wonky cycle. Not one bit. I hope my period comes in a reasonable time and I can forget it and hope next cycle is normal. That's what happened in February. If not I'll have to see if I can get my hormones checked. I'm trying not to think too much about it though, and instead added some things to my Amazon baby wish list. I know it's silly since I don't have a baby yet, but sometimes I find cool stuff I'd really like to have and I want to remember it so I put it down. Am I the only one who does this? Plus I like to think about the whole process in a more positive light sometimes, so thinking about the good stuff - planning like I'm GOING to have a baby helps me to feel more positive that it will happen for me. I've just found some bedding and some books I really like, and I want to do some research. Whatever the means, I do intend to be a mom in the next year or two so it's good to be prepared and ready and know what I like. I'm hoping to have 9 hormonal months to decide, but it's still fun to think about babies and not be upset and sad, but rather hopeful and optimistic, so I like to look now.

I saw a blog a close friend wrote today - I have no idea if she reads this or not - and it made me think about her situation and so I have a question to pose to anyone out there who may have been through anything similar. I hope she doesn't mind me posting this (no one reads this from our real life)! Basically, she just had her 4th BFN cycle, which we both know is not a long time, but there are some extenuating circumstances. Last July they discovered she had endo when they found a 14x15 CM I think endometrioma which they removed. During the process they saw her tube (s?) were inflamed, which they said could be because of endometrial tissue in the tubes. She asked her doctor for an HSG since she knew there was a substantial chance there were tubal issues, but he told her to wait until Feb. I'm wondering if this is standard. I know that most places like you to wait a year, but when you have a known condition, especially one where they've seen a tubal problem, why would they make you wait to get an HSG? I just feel like this whole process is so frustrating.. even when you don't have any reason to think there's a problem. Why make someone wait if they know there is an issue? I just wanted to get another take on it. Thoughts anyone??

She's taking the HSG way more like a man than I have too lol. I'm still really upset about mine and have decided to ask for a valium or something after the OB told me I should. Especially since I cant take ibuprofen and tylenol doesn't have the same pain fighting properties. I'll be setting up the IVF consult once November rolls around and I'm sure she'll have me get it soon after. Well.. I hope so anyway. She might not do ANYTHING without OB approval, but I don't see why she wouldn't want to just get it out of the way. I want to now. Seriously.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Well.. I did get an anniversary surprise of EWCM (you're so glad I told you, right?). I'm not sure what this means, but it would be neat if it meant impending O. Just peace of mind I suppose. And now I'm going to reveal a secret. Well.. it WAS our anniversary... and now I'm kind of hoping we somehow conceived. Given all the problems we've been having with MFI and my TSH and the fact that my cycle was all screwed up, we've kind of assumed that it's not going to happen naturally, so we're not worrying too much about it. But at the same time, we know it's possible, and there's a daydreamy little piece of me that can't help but think about how cool it would be. It's not going to happen though. But just so I don't sound like a totally horrible person, the prednisone I'm on is a category B-C medicine... they were going to have me conceive while still on it. And my kidney problem does pose some potential risks, but I was going to be high risk either way. So while it's probably not the most responsible, we're not being complete idiots.

I dunno.. the whole thing seems so silly, but I keep thinking about all those stories of people who were about to go through IVF and conceived naturally or the girls from "I didn't know I was pregnant" who ovulate once every 6 months and still caught the egg. And I wonder if it could happen to me. Well... I'm still planning on losing weight and starting IVF in January/February. I really hope it works. I keep thinking about and wondering about how it's going to go. If I'm going to get through the HSG and not need more tests. If I'm going to be able to lose the weight (2 last week.. 15 to go). If I'm going to stim ok, if they'll get any eggs, if we'll have any freeze, If I'll over-stim and have to cancel. There are so many "what ifs" And it's driving me nuts. I want answers now and I can't have them.

I need to chill out. Does anyone have an valium lol.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Where is O? :( I am on CD20 with no signs of O. No temp change... nothing. I had a lot of pains up to CD16, but nothing since. I'm nervous about this. Since I started synthroid I've had a lot of weird spotting. Like my period would end and then 2 days later I'd spot. I had a spot of blood mid-cycle, too. I've still Od and had a normal cycle otherwise, but not this month. No EWCM either. I wonder if I'm going to O at all? I know even people with normal cycles have anovulatory cycles once in a while. I had a 40 day cycle in February. I'm so scared that now that I'm on the meds and getting closer to IVF someting will go wrong. I know that IVF can correct a lot of problems, but I'm still scared it's something IVF can't correct, or that something else will happen between now and then. I really hope my kidneys cooperate and we get to IVF and everything else does, too. My hormones were all great in July except my TSH which is now down to 1.6. I'm trying not to be pessimistic I just really want this to go well and I'm so scared of something happening. I know I shouldn't worry yet. I might just O really late this month. I've been dealing with the OCD and tons of anxiety so maybe it threw me off. I've been so excited about the possibility of being pregnant in March.. I just want to make it to transfer and have things go well... I don't want it to get cancelled or never started. I'm trying not to worry but it's in my nature. I hope everything is ok!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Wow. Prednisone. It's a funny, funny animal. I'm not sure if I'm just weird, or if I need to give it more time, but... I feel GOOD. I took my first dose Monday night at around 11pm. Tuesday morning sucked. I couldn't sleep and I got restless legs and pain in my hips. Later on in the day I started to feel better, though, and I decided to switch my dosing to mornings, so I took my second dose a few hours ago. And I feel awesome. I feel... confident, able, positive, and energetic. These are things which do not describe me. Prednisone has an energy-causing... mania sort of effect on some people. I think I am experiencing some form of this but it's  very mild.. I almost feel like I'm on the perfect anti-anxiety medicine. I have energy again, I'm not full of anxiety, I'm able to stop my mind from focusing on obsessions from my OCD (I dont know that this effect will last but it's ok for today!) But it's not TOO much. It's just enough that I feel... almost normal again, without being over the top crazy. I was able to sleep last night as well. If I could feel like this the next 6 months I'd be a happy girl! I know that as I am on it for longer the side effects will probably change and maybe get worse, but I'm enjoying what it's doing right now lol. Yesterday I had a LITTLE bit of an overzealous appetite but I didn't let it get to me too much. Today I feel fine. I actually feel like I have MORE control because I'm not depressed and anxious. I've been drinking a lot of water and decaf tea to help stave off the water retention.

One of the side effects of prednisone is high blood sugar. So far I've been doing OK but I really don't want to take insulin so I'm trying to pay attention to my carbs. I think this is probably a better way for me to live anyway so I'm hoping I can sort of learn from this experience what kinds of "good" carbs I enjoy and what bad carbs I'm willing to give up. I plan to eat that way while pregnant anyway. I have a calendar at my desk to keep track of my doses and I can't wait to be looking at it with months filled up with Xs. I'm FINALLY doing something on this journey. I'm still terrified I won't loe the weight in time but I just have to keep trying and do the best I can. I wonder what exactly about Prednisone causes weight gain. Some say water retention and some say the appetite. I don't remember a lot of water retention previously while on it and I think if I drink enough I will be ok. And I can control my appetite if I have to. I read some stories of people gaining 30 pounds in 2 weeks, or 60 in 3 months. AHHHH!!! I gained 5 in 2 months the last time I was on it and I was not paying attention to my nutrition. I ended up gaining 30 total, but that happned after my wedding and through the holidays and I wasn't on any sort of diet program so I don't think it was the prednisone's fault. I guess only time will tell, but I just keep picturing me holding our sweet baby and I know I have to do whatever I have to to get there.