Wednesday, August 29, 2012


A lot of things have happened since I last posted. I suppose I took an accidental leave of absence. I started posting every little thought on my tumblr and had so little left for here. But today I've been going through and thinking about the last month and everything that's happened. I can't get over how much my little girl has grown... how much she can do... how much LOVE I have for her. I've been missing her a lot lately because I've been so busy (more later) but sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed with feelings.

We finally closed on our house on Monday, so I've been working on that and I feel like I haven't seen Evie as much. I know it has to be done, and that soon she'll have a beautiful new house to call her own, but I still wish I could just spend every moment of every day with her. She's absolutely my sunshine. She's been babbling incessantly lately, and saying all sorts of new sounds and words, though she's not yet putting together "da" with her daddy.

She got a kiss from an older man! My SIL's twin has a little boy and he decided he needed to come snuggle my girl. Who wouldn't, right? It was a sneak attack since she was trying to eat her toes.

She's been fighting naps, so we've been spending a lot of time here, in her carseat. Every so often she'll take a great nap, but more often than not she's screaming before she actually drifts off. This is just for naps. She's been amazing at bed time.

She had her first play date with her friend Ben, my bff's little boy who's 3 weeks younger. They didn't know what to think of each other, and they fought over a toy, but it was hysterical and we were cracking up laughing about it.

This is Evie wondering who this kid is and why she's here. We told them they'd better get used to each other. The first thing she did when I put her down was grab for his hands. She's such a little love bug. But she's never been around anyone her age, so I think she was confused! Actually she and Ben have been around each other a lot, but they were in their car seats. Now that they're old enough to play, there's a whole new level of fun to be had!

She rode in a shopping cart for the first time. She always gets lazy and leans, so we usually put something next to her, but she can sit up like a big girl. I think she's a little spoiled and thinks she shouldn't have to expend the effort.

Foot eating is still in full force.

We're actually moving into the new house this weekend, but for right now I'm splitting my time between work and the two houses. I just want to be with my love, but such is the plight of a working mom. Thankfully this weekend is a 3 day weekend, and we're getting into holiday season, so I'll have 4 day weekends coming up as well. That we can spend in our own house! Where we have tons of room to play and to put up a Christmas tree! I'm so excited.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Taking Care of Me

I have had a bit of a problem that I didn't know I had with self esteem. For years I've got up, rolled out of bed, thrown clothes on, and headed to work. I almost never do my hair or put on makeup. I buy clothes I like but never feel comfortable with the way I look. I don't want to be that way anymore, and I think I'm finally feeling ready to step back into the spotlight.

When I was in college, and a year or so after.. basically from 18-22 I was thinner. I lost a ton of weight I'd picked up in high school and I looked good. People noticed me. People told me I was hot and paid attention to me. It was nice to feel good for a while. But I started picking weight back up and eventually I weighed 289 pounds, my pre-pregnancy weight. I've been over 270 for the better part of 7 years, save my wedding when I spent about 2 weeks at 267. I've worn size 20-24 clothes all this time. Mostly 22 and 24. And I didn't care about my appearance. For a long time I thought it was just because I was married and tired a lot. I'm realizing now that it's because somewhere inside I didn't think I could look good no matter what I did. But I'm starting to not feel that way anymore.

Right now I weigh about 255. Yes, I'm very overweight, but 34 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant. My lowest adult weight since 2004-2005. And I'm starting to feel like me again, and I feel like a dumbass for wasting so much of my young life overweight. I used to think 30 was REALLY old, but now I'm 31 and I think I still have a few good years left wher I can be hot again, and I'm going to do it. Sure, I still have 90 pounds to lose to get to my goal (or 70 to lose to get to my lowest adult weight) but I'm starting to feel good already.

It's been difficult to find time to get things done with E, but I think I'm finally ready to start putting some effort back in to me. Effort I haven't put in since long before I got pregnant or had a baby. I want to start a better skin care routine and put makeup on in the mornings. I want to get my hair cut on a regular basis and actually style it. I want to wear NICE clothes. I want to exercise and eat well. And I want to start this now. I don't have to waste the rest of my life feeling bad. I can look good again. And I don't have to wait until I get to 165. Hell I was pretty happy with myself at 225 and I've only got 30 pounds to go to get there! I can do this, and I deserve to do this. I desere to do something for me. My husband is COMPLETELY supportive of my doing anything I want or need to feel good about myself. He offers to watch E all the time so I can go out and hang out with friends or just get a haircut. When he's not working this horrible job I'll be able to get pedicures and all that fun stuff I've never done regularly because I didn't feel good about me. I'm ready to feel good about me again. And to show my daughter that she should value herself enough to take care of her health. I don't want her to be vain. I don't want her to think looks are everything. But she doesn't need to see a mom who simply doesn't care about herself either. I'm trying to be the best example I can be for her. And I'm trying to feel good about myself. I'm pretty excited.

Now I just wish I had somewhere to go with my new attitude and look...

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Vacation! A Little One, Anyway

Prior to Evangeline's timely entrance into our lives, A and I didn't have things particularly easy. We've dealt with a lot of adversity in the form of health struggles and OCD, and that made dealing with mundane stressors, like money and jobs, extremely difficult. Neither of us can take much time away from work because we've used it all addressing health problems, or having our gorgeous girl. While I am grateful for the 11 weeks I had off, it was not exactly peaceful, and we needed a little getaway desperately. I booked our trip a few months ago and this weekend we finally got to go to my favorite place - the beach!

Taking a long weekend trip is a completely different animal when you do it with a baby. We had to pack an entire box of toys, a bag full of food, tons of clothes (and bibs and burp cloths for our messy spitter), diapers and wipes, a rock n play for her to sleep in, and the bumbo for her to sit in to eat. There's a lot more that goes into a simple beach excursion with an infant (shade, diapers, food, etc.). We had to make sure we had an opportunity for her to take her required naps (which have evened out to 2-3 a day) and we had to be back in at a reasonable hour so she could go to bed. We forwent mini golf, since we'd have to put her in the stroller since I forgot my carrier. It was a little crazy. But, all in all, it was an awesome trip.

E was an amazing baby on the way down. She didn't cry. Not once - not at all. It took over 5 hours by the time we stopped to eat and grab some water and such at Walmart. When we finally opened our curtains in the room, this was our view!

We spent a total of about an hour and a half on the beach. The weather and water were amazing, but I didn't want E to get too much sun, and even with a beach tent there was no comfortable place to nap. She did dress for the occasion, though, with her little crab butt! And proud daddy holding his little one. Her whole butt fits in one hand lol.

This is E ready to hit the beach! This hat was too big, so we switched it up the next day, but oh my God that swimsuit. In case you're curious, little girl swimsuits run WAY small. E is not even close to being out of 6 month stuff despite turning 6 months in 2 weeks, and that swimsuit is a 6-12 month. The 3-6 was WAY too small. It was ridiculous. She cried when I tried to put it on. This one she liked.

This is daddy holding E in the water. We didn't go out past our knees. This is "what is this stuff hat keeps coming at me" face. She was trying so hard to figure out what was going on. She actually really enjoyed the water. She kicked her feet at it and dug her toes in the sand. But she's extremely inquisitive and tactile and wants to know what everything is. The ocean she just hasn't figured out quite yet.

This picture's just to show how insanely huge her daddy's hands are. His wedding ring nearly fits on my big toe.

We spent a lot more time in the hotel than we would pre-E. We did a lot of playing and snuggling in the morning, and she decided she doesn't need to hold herself up when she's sitting anymore. She'd rather grab her toes. She was barely touching my leg. She's getting so grown up. 

We did get out some, though, and our time at the Boardwalk was spent winning our sweet girl some new toys. Below we have a dolphin, a pink shark, a whale, a Sonic, a duck, a Share Bear, and a ninja lemon! It has a ninja headband on. She loved her toys, but we have to be careful because they're for ages 3 and up, so she can't play too much with them yet. She loved sitting in her stroller taking in the sites. About 8000 people came up to us to tell us how beautiful she was, and that she looked like a baby doll. Her habit of smiling at strangers has got to end. Everyone loves her.

Next year we're planning on taking a real vacation. I need to build up some time off so we can go to the beach for an entire week. We want to go with our whole family because my dad loves the beach and they love E so much and want to hang out with her. Plus it would be nice to have extra hands. We may go to a different beach though. Unfortunately, my baby wont be so little. She wont look like this anymore:

She'll be a year and a half old for our next vacation. Walking, talking, eating big girl food... I can't take it. She's growing up way too fast.

Exercise is Hard

I really need to figure out an exercise schedule. I've lost over 25 pounds and have about 92 to go. But working out when you work full time and have an infant is so not easy! My conscious mind is always conflicted about this. I need to lose weight so I can be around for her as she grows up because I'm unhealthy. But then she's only this little once so I want to spend as much time with her as I can now. I feel like I'm not getting the caliber of workouts with the stroller as I could be, and I want to join a gym, but they're so expensive, and when would I go? But I LOVE swiming, and it's so incredibly good for you!

I could always go on the weekend, but two days a week isn't enough. I'd like to go at least 4, and I want to lift weights, too. I don't want to be flabby when all this extra fat is gone.

Hubs has to put school off until Spring because we can't apply for the loan since we're buying this house and they're processing the loan right now. He'll be working full time this Fall. If I could get to work by 7 and leave by 3:30, I could work out and still be home by 5 or 5:30 to spend a few hours with my princess. I'd miss out on that hour or so I was working out, but it's only 2 work days a week. I think I'm going to have to do that to make sure I can be around for her as long as possible. Since A will be working, I MIGHT be able to swing the bill for the gym. He'll just have to get up at 6 with E and I so I can get out of the house. It's two days a week. He's already said he'd do it so that's going to have to be our new schedule as soon as he gets out of his horrible job and into one with decent hours.

There are 3 gyms with pools within a reasonable distance from my house. 2 are $50 a month, and one is $32 a month, but doesn't include a gym membership, only the pool, and is totally out of my way in regards to work. My SIL is a trainer at one, so I may be able to get a discount for that, or free child care so I could take E if I really wanted. Now that she's getting older that seems a bit more of a viable option. I THINK I could let someone in the same building as me take care of her for an hour. I might be wrong.

They have a 60 day trial for $60 and you get to see a trainer 2x a week as well as pool access. I might try that just to see if it actually works without signing up for a contract or spending too much money to find out it's just not feasible. I have to do something. Walking at lunch is just not cutting it.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Catching Up

It's been a while since I've posted, and, therefore, I have a lot of pictures.

E's going through the mildest of sleep regressions. Meaning that rather than sleeping through the night 75% of the time, she's now waking up once 75% of the time. I don't think I'm allowed to complain about that. Mom law. A lot of the time she wakes up smiling in the middle of the night, but if she's crying I bring her into my room in her rock n play because there's nothing wrong and I assume she's scared. She needs to learn that her room is her safe sleep spot, but right now she's napping downstairs, and two days a week she's at my parents' house. We'll teach her when she moves but right now she can be near me. I love it. She normally wakes up giggling in the morning. She's extremely happy unless she's very tired, very hungry, or annoyed with being in her car seat.

She's getting better at sitting up on her own. Sometimes she picks up or bats at a toy with one hand and steadies herself with the other. I think if I had good toys she could steady herself with she would be sitting without holding herself up much faster, but no more toys until we move. It's a horrid rule, but it's a rule. She has good sitting toys at my parents'. My mom is terrified to let her go, but my dad and I let her sit on her own all the time. My mom worries more than I do! I think she's slowing her development!

Daddy and I had a date night Friday night, and this is from when I picked her up. Hubs needs a haircut, and E has an annoying habit of smiling up until I snap the picture. I end up with her looking miserable. She's doing it in a bunch of these. When she saw us, she lit up like a firework.

E and Uncle Matt, doing her no smile for the picture thing. She's actually confused. This sounds like Uncle Matt, but where is his hair? Well, E, Uncle Matt shaved his head in support of Aunt Jess (his wife's identical twin) who lost her hair due to chemo for stage 4 breast cancer. She's 29. He's a good brother.

7AM is smile time.

You can see here that her eyes aren't brown. They look it in a lot of photos, but they're still grey. If they do turn, they'll be hazel. They've been light for too long to turn brown. Notice the hand in daddy's mouth. All she wants to do these days is grab at faces. 

What? E in a baby carrier not screaming? I actually wore her into the store and we survived. It's a miracle.

Lonely... I'm Mrs. lonely.. I got nobody...

She's in her pack n play with her buddies up top and her bee and blocks. I think this was my mom's attempt at not spoiling her by trying to make her play on her own. Look at that leg roll. She's finally getting some good chub. Chances are this lasted 2 minutes or less.