I have had a bit of a problem that I didn't know I had with self esteem. For years I've got up, rolled out of bed, thrown clothes on, and headed to work. I almost never do my hair or put on makeup. I buy clothes I like but never feel comfortable with the way I look. I don't want to be that way anymore, and I think I'm finally feeling ready to step back into the spotlight.
When I was in college, and a year or so after.. basically from 18-22 I was thinner. I lost a ton of weight I'd picked up in high school and I looked good. People noticed me. People told me I was hot and paid attention to me. It was nice to feel good for a while. But I started picking weight back up and eventually I weighed 289 pounds, my pre-pregnancy weight. I've been over 270 for the better part of 7 years, save my wedding when I spent about 2 weeks at 267. I've worn size 20-24 clothes all this time. Mostly 22 and 24. And I didn't care about my appearance. For a long time I thought it was just because I was married and tired a lot. I'm realizing now that it's because somewhere inside I didn't think I could look good no matter what I did. But I'm starting to not feel that way anymore.
Right now I weigh about 255. Yes, I'm very overweight, but 34 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant. My lowest adult weight since 2004-2005. And I'm starting to feel like me again, and I feel like a dumbass for wasting so much of my young life overweight. I used to think 30 was REALLY old, but now I'm 31 and I think I still have a few good years left wher I can be hot again, and I'm going to do it. Sure, I still have 90 pounds to lose to get to my goal (or 70 to lose to get to my lowest adult weight) but I'm starting to feel good already.
It's been difficult to find time to get things done with E, but I think I'm finally ready to start putting some effort back in to me. Effort I haven't put in since long before I got pregnant or had a baby. I want to start a better skin care routine and put makeup on in the mornings. I want to get my hair cut on a regular basis and actually style it. I want to wear NICE clothes. I want to exercise and eat well. And I want to start this now. I don't have to waste the rest of my life feeling bad. I can look good again. And I don't have to wait until I get to 165. Hell I was pretty happy with myself at 225 and I've only got 30 pounds to go to get there! I can do this, and I deserve to do this. I desere to do something for me. My husband is COMPLETELY supportive of my doing anything I want or need to feel good about myself. He offers to watch E all the time so I can go out and hang out with friends or just get a haircut. When he's not working this horrible job I'll be able to get pedicures and all that fun stuff I've never done regularly because I didn't feel good about me. I'm ready to feel good about me again. And to show my daughter that she should value herself enough to take care of her health. I don't want her to be vain. I don't want her to think looks are everything. But she doesn't need to see a mom who simply doesn't care about herself either. I'm trying to be the best example I can be for her. And I'm trying to feel good about myself. I'm pretty excited.
Now I just wish I had somewhere to go with my new attitude and look...
No comments:
Post a Comment