Wednesday, June 30, 2010

It's 2:00PM and I'm currently waiting for the call from our nurse. I'm not sure what I expect to hear from her aside from "You need to see a regular Endo". The thing that's driving me the most insane about it is that I've discovered it takes 6-8 weeks for lab tests to show changes in TSH after you start medicine. Which means we'd definitely be out next cycle. I can't deal with that. At bare minimum that puts us doing our first IUI with the cycle that starts at the end of August. Why is this happening?  Pieces of me think it's because God just doesn't want us to have a child... and 2 more months will give my kidneys time to crap out. But I don't want to think that way and I refuse to. I believe that God wants us to have this baby. Sometimes it's hard. Maybe he wants us to get pregnant on our own and we do this month or July. I don't know how likely it is that we conceive on our own. Once I start these meds I have no reason to think there's anything wrong with me. There could be a blockage or something which I guess we'll figure out later. Andy's doing better... but is it really possible? I don't know.

Andy had a bit of a meltdown today on the phone about it. He's terrified of having to do IVF. He thinks it will ruin us financially (1 IVF would be about 6500 since we have insurance). I tried to tell him that's ridiculous, but he's too down to listen to reason. He's terrified of losing me to my kidney disease. He's scared of not having a baby, and he's losing his faith that things will work. He doesn't understand why we have to have another problem when for some people it's so easy. Why we have to wait another cycle or 2 or 3. I've never understood my husband's feelings more profoundly than I did during that conversation, and chances are he feels the same. And it was my turn to tell him everything was going to be ok. To be positive and tell him we don't have any reason to think the IUIs won't work. I think I helped him but I can't stand to see him feel that way. I wish I could've hugged him but I couldn't, and with our schedules I probably won't see him for more than an hour between now and Monday night. I'm going to NC for the weekend.

I don't understand why all of this is happening. I don't get why it can be "so easy" for some people but we have to hit road block after road block after road block. It took 6 months for my kidneys. It took 6 months for Andy's tumor. We have no idea how long this will take. And it doesn't make sense that some people have to have it so, so hard. But all that is in my power to do is keep praying. Keep thinking that God just wants to give us the right little one at the right time and this just isn't it. And it's so hard to do but I have to.

Andy is forcing me to get my kidney function test done next Sunday. I hate these tests and I'm terrified of the results. I'm scared to hear "Your creatinine climbed back up to 1.25". I'm... feeling my stomach turning in knots while I wait on the verdict of all of this. But as Andy says... we need to know. I'll never understand why this has to be so difficult for us. Why we're constantly under the rubble trying to dig out and never standing on steady ground. I can't remember what it feels like to not feel scared and anxious. But now that I've seen how Andy's worry hurts me, I can't let mine hurt him like that anymore. We have to know that something is going to work and we're going to have this baby. I don't know how to do that but we have to.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I've been feeling very emotional lately and I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings about this month. this continues today, but in a slightly different light. I'm excited again as I've realized a few things.

a) I'm an idiot. Andy's medicine for his tumor was supposed to have him "normalize" in 6 months. So we did a 2nd SA in June. JULY is 6 months. Oops. At the last one everything was very close to normal but his morphology was low. There is a very good chance things have gotten even better at this point. And though his morphology was low, it was on Kruger, and a lot of places are now saying 6% is closer to normal than 15%. Either way, we were a month early, so who knows - it could be better. At our IUI consult she said he was closer to normal than not, so that's good.

b) It's good that this TSH thing has been discovered. A lot of women conceive immediately after starting thyroid meds. Since we've found no other issues with me, maybe this was holding us back? And if nothing else, it's good we found it so that our baby is safe!

c) Being upset about people's pregnancies is ridiculous. Normal, sure, and I'm sure I will feel it later, too, but I'm realizing that other people getting pregnant has nothing to do with me. Someone else being pregnant doesn't exclude me from joining the club. I'm not going to not get pregnant because someone else is. And there's no reason to race. Why do I need to be first? Maybe I can benefit from my friends going through pregnancy and labor before me. I 'll have someone to ask questions that has been through it more recently than 29 years ago like my mom!

I'm worried, first and foremost, because of my kidneys. While that's a total pain in the ass, I don't know what's going to happen. I can keep getting them monitored and move onto IVF if we get to a point where we're just not comfortable. But right now all I can do is what I can do to help, and I haven't even been so good at that. I'll get another test done and see if it's about the same or not. I hope and pray it is, but if not we'll do IVF. Either way we're going to do everything we can to have this child and no amount of worrying or obsessing is going to change what's going to happen. All it can do is make me miserable in the mean time.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I've been thinking a lot today, and I've decided that I have to change my attitude about this whole process. I keep telling my husband "I can't change the way I feel!" but I think that I have to. I can't let TTC ruin my life, and sometimes I feel like that's what it's doing. I'm constantly depressed and disappointed and angry. I get pissed off every time someone new is pregnant, like it's God's personal little attack on me. I keep thinking about all the horrible things in my life. And yes, we've had a lot of road blocks. Our first TTC road block came in October so I've been starting to feel this way little by little since then. I won't say that I'll never get down about the process.. that would be incredibly stupid.. but I won't live my life in fear and sadness.

The fact of the matter is that no one else's TTC journey has an effect on mine. Some people get lucky but some people don't, and everyone has their own story. I wish that we didn't have the time limit we do, but that's no one else's fault. Sure it's not mine, but... it's no one else's. And it's ridiculous that all of this time I've been sad and worried and the fact is that whatever is going to happen to me is going to happen. And it may not "happen for a reason" like everyone says, and I may not have to "just relax" but I will have faith.

There are people in the world who want to TTC but don't have anyone to TTC with.. or who lost their uterus to cancer. And those people have to deal with their situation every day just like I do. I hope they're dealing better than I have. I've been obsessive and depressed... depressing and pessimistic. When it comes down to it, though we've been trying for longer, Andy's tumor messed things up, and we've only had 2 cycles that really had a shot at working. And this month we were going to try the IUI but we found the high TSH. What if I'd gotten pregnant and lost the baby? I can never know what would have happened, but I know the doctors aren't canceling to spite me. I want to get back on track ASAP and I'd like to do the IUI next cycle. If not it will put us into the August-September cycle. Which is getting REALLY close to the IVF deadline. But we'll keep trying. We'll do whatever we have to to have this baby. And if more people get pregnant before me that doesn't change how much I want it or how much I'm going to love my baby whenever it happens and however it happens. Andy told me this morning that  he thinks I'm going to love and appreciate my baby even more because of what we've dealt with. It was a sweet gesture and I always forget that all of this is hard on him too. And constantly talking about it doesn't help. As positive as he's been about all of this I need to return the favor when he needs me, too.

There's no one I'd rather be going on this journey with than my husband and if for nothing other than him.. I'm going to keep faith that we'll have this baby together. He deserves that much from me.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm still feeling disappointed today. I guess I can't expect that to just up and stop all of a sudden. I've been doing a lot more reading about thyroid issues and things are starting to make a lot more sense. It can cause the fatigue, mood swings, lack of libido, cholesterol, etc. issues I've been having. It affects fertility and sustaining a pregnancy. I just want to get started.

I promised the Dr. we'd do IVF ASAP and time is precious for us. If my kidneys start to get worse it becomes more important to have this baby. I need to do it before my creatinine gets to 1.4 for the baby's health and for mine.. and there's no telling when that will be. But I certainly don't want my kidneys to fail and I'm not excited at the prospect of that chance going up by 1/3 during pregnancy if my creatinine gets too high. I just want to start an IUI cycle ASAP and I want to be on the meds now so we can get in for next cycle.

We'll try on our own this cycle but it makes me so much less hopeful. I think we're going to switch up the plan some and time intercourse for every other day since CD15 instead of just relying on the OPKs. I'll just use the OPKs to make sure I don't ovulate late or early and miss it. I just wish I had a reason to have more hope again. The IUI was so exciting and I hope that we get lucky and don't need it, but I just feel so down now that the first was cancelled. I think if this cycle doesn't work we may do the HSG next cycle as much as I don't want to. I just want to be sure everything is OK and we're not wasting any time. I am so not psyched.

Anyway, I'm disappointed and I just want to get my TSH down and hope I feel better and I want to get started and have a real shot at getting pregnant. I want this baby so bad. And I wish I had more control about getting things done, but I missed my appointment so now I won't have the final word on my thyroid until Tuesday or so. That was dumb of me, but still... I want to fix this ASAP.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Because I didn't have enough problems...

IUI cycle #1 has been cancelled!

I went in today for CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. I have 10 antral follicles on each side (SO COOL TO SEE). They freaked me out at first saying it was too many but it turned out the girl was just an idiot. I expected no other issues. I've had this done before.


My TTC hormones are awesome. FSH - 4.26!!! They like it under 7. Sweet. Done. Nothing to worry about - plenty of follicles to stimulate.

My thyroid, however, is messed up! It was 4.22. She said 4 and under is normal, so under normal circumstances no one would sweat it, but because I'm trying to conceive, they won't do it. I'm getting it tested once more tomorrow at 7AM. I won't get the results until Monday, but assuming it's the same (which it will be - I had it done last summer and it was almsot exactly the same) we're out this cycle. And she said I have to see a regular endocrinologist. WHY CANT SHE FIX IT!? What if no one wants to give me anything because it's not really high???

I guess it's good to know. The RE said based on their studies, women with a level over 2.5 have a higher miscarriage rate. I'd rather cancel a cycle than go through a miscarriage. But... did I really need something else? Kidney disease, brain tumors... I thought we were FINALLY on our way... and now this? REALLY?? What if no one can see me for a month? THEN I AM OUT NEXT CYCLE TOO!

Eff. This. I hate everyone and everything. I want to get the hell out of this office. I argued with God yesterday. Today we're going to have a serious talk because THIS IS NOT FAIR. I don't care if life's not fair. This is WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

I hate everyting, and if I don't get out of this cubicle I might explode. I'm going to go home and cry all night. AGAIN. What a surprise. Life screws me again. Why do I even bother?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Well.. I know 3 women who are either pregnant or have just given birth. All 3 conceived their children immediately after coming off birth control. As in.. the very first month. While I'm extremely happy, I'm having a down day. I called andy at the wrong time and he was not at all supportive. And the thing is I'm SO HAPPY for them (especially the one I found out about today). I just needed to hear "it's ok, we'll have our baby soon". I know he doesn't quite understand because he's not a woman, but I wish he hadn't gotten so worked up. I let him finish what he was doing that was making him act like such an asshat, and then we talked again and he said he was sorry and such, and I told him that all I want from him is some positivity and support, and he understands better. He thought I was being selfish and jealous, but is realizing that I'm very happy.. I'm just.. confused more than anything. Disappointed, but not about her. Trying to have a baby has just made everything more difficult for us. Our fuses are like.. millimeters long these days because we're so frustrated with all of it. The health issues that made it such a priority, the fact that we want the baby so badly and it's not working (yet) and the out of pocket money every month for the procedures that are coming up. I really wish our relationship could just be normal. I wish I could take the medicine to even me out because I'm a nutcase of emotions, and I wish we weren't so stressed we were lashing out all the time.

Andy said to me "We're going to have this baby because we're going to do everything we have to. I won't lie to you because I don't know how long it's going to take... but we're going to do everything we have to and in the mean time you can't get upset every time someone gets pregnant". Why couldn't he just say that the first time? I do need to let these things roll off my back a little more. It's such a weird feeling because there's half of me that's just.. thrilled. When she told me I held her hands and jumped up and down and meant it. But there's the other half that's like "Really? Why is this so easy for so many other people?" I know a lot of women struggling with infertility, and most of them say they have struggled with this at some point. I wish I knew how to deal with it better. I'm excited to have CD3 bloodwork done tomorrow. I'm going to ask them about the protocol and if the success rate is really ok because I've heard the success rate is very low.. like 7% for an unmedicated IUI. I know next month we're doing the Ovidrel, but I hope we don't have to go that route because the first one works. I'm tired of being down about this... about everything. I keep thinking "I want something good to happen". And then I say "well Andy's test results are better now!" and then it's followed up with "Well why did he have to have the  tumor to begin with?". I HATE being so negative because it's not me. I don't have a short fuse. I'm not pessimistic and angry. I wish I knew what would help, but I don't. All I can do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I can. I won't be miserable forever because of things I can't control. I have a good job and an amazing husband and things might not be happening in my timing... but we're doing everything we can and I am going to HAVE to be happy with that. I refuse to be unhappy anymore.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A New Day, and Some Sheets

The witch has arrived! Breaking this to my husband this morning was terrible. When I went downstairs, I must have had a sad look on my face because he said "it came?" and I nodded. He put his head down and pouted and just had this look in his eyes like I'd stabbed him in the gut. I had to physically lift his chin up to talk with him (and I should note that my husband [I know you ladies will disagree 'cause you have husbands, too, but..] has the cutest face in the entire world. He has these chubby cheeks and this baby face and these clear expressions and the poutiest lip, so seeing this look of distress on his face was completely heart-wrenching). I said "Honey why are you so upset? We have something neat to look forward to this month?" and his reply was "Baby". So I looked at him for a minute and he said "I really want this baby". I could have cried. I know he doesn't feel this way, but I feel like I'm letting him down when I have to tell him "no, not this month". I tried to explain to him that when I tell him AF is coming, it's because I know my body and I can feel it. He tends to wave it off, which I can understand - he doesn't know how it works, but then when it does come he gets so down because he was expecting it not to. I also told him it can take a completely normal couple a year to conceive, and, while he knows that, I think like the rest of us he doesn't think it'll take that long for us. It feels like forever because we've been dealing with the infertility since the fall, but there was really no chance we were going to conceive then, so even though it feels like ages to us, it's only been 2 months that it could have really happened.

I reminded him again that this month is a new month and we're tyring a new procedure. I also told him to keep in the back of his mind that there is a chance these might not work. We're hoping and praying, but I just don't want him to be even more devastated if we get to the fall and we're not pregnant and have to move on to IVF. We're being optimistic and not thinking about it, but I don't want to go into these IUIs FULLY expecting them to work just in case they don't. We're working on faith and preparing for our little miracle. As I've mentioned before, God requires faith, and we're going to give it to him, but this isn't an exact science and could take some time.

All of this said, I did call my nurse at the RE this morning. She hasn't called back yet and I'm on pins and needles! I should be going in for CD3 stuff on Thursday morning. I'm SLIGHTLY nervous about it because I've never had an ultrasound of my ovaries done so I'm hoping they are ok, and I'm hoping my FSH is still low. It was 4.1 or something last July, and under 6 is "excellent" so I hope it's still in that range! I'm hard pressed not to OPK today lol. I'm so excited for this IUI.. it will be my first foray into something going THROUGH my cervix, though, and I'm not psyched about that! I need to get over it though, because if I'm going to have a baby, a lot more horrifying things are going to happen!

And because I'm so excited about the IUIs (and discovered I can afford the trigger shot and monitoring next month [if this one doesn't work - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WORK]) I have picked out baby bedding.

For a boy:

For a girl:

We don't like pink and purple very much, and this was the only bedding with an ocean theme that would fit a girl that wasn't pink or purple. I really like this one anyway. I'll probably go crazy and get every accessory too. I also told my mom that the second I find out I'm having a baby, I'm going to buy baby stuff... like green and yellow onesies. Her response: "I may or may not have that covered" lol. I may have thrown people off a little with our Winnie the Pooh baby booties, but we've always planned on an ocean theme room. We want to have a lot of Pooh "stuff" though. Clothes, blankets, toys, etc.

One good thing that came out of this morning is that it's very clear to me now just how much andy wants this baby. That's comforting... I just want to give him what he wants.

Monday, June 21, 2010

AF should be arriving any minute. I figured that was the case as my temperature dropped like crazy yesterday. It was like looking at the steep slope of Everest. I told myself I would test if my temp rose again today, and it went from 97.5 to 97.8, plus I had some serious pains in the breast area. It was negative, which I expected, and at 13DPO it's pretty certain. I hate telling Andy about BFNs because he lives by "you're not out until the witch shows". I love his optimism. I know that this stuff does get to him though. He's never completely excited about things like the new cycle and I know it's because he's stressed and just wants it to work so badly. We had a huge fight this weekend and delved into a very dark place but came out on top. We've been getting so stressed about TTC and health issues and money (although I found out WHILE typing this that Andy got a new job!) but we identified some issues we weren't handling correctly and we're on the same page about how to proceed. We're ready to hold hands and make this journey and tackle the problems that stand in the way. I'm so glad to have him to go through all of this with. He's seriously my foundation. He holds me up and is the sole source of a lot of my stability. He's been asking me about my temps every day. Every morning he says "so what's the status today" lol. It's so cute that he's involved... especially since I couldn't say the word "period" without him cringing until recently.

I really hope the witch does show today because if not she'll make it much more difficult to have any fun in Ocean City Friday. Plus if it comes Wednesday we can't leave until after bloodwork and ultrasound since Friday would be CD3. These weird crampy feelings the last three days have been such a tease. I know a consistent luteal phase is a lot to ask for, aunt flow, but please!? 

It's weird having to plan everything around the IUI schedule. I'm going to NC over July 4th weekend and my mom and I were trying to plan out when the IUI would likely be lol. Fortunately, even if AF comes today, and I O on my earliest O date from previous months (CD16), I would still get the +OPK on Monday the 5th to come in the 6th and I'll be home. Whew. I'm pumped for this IUI and I hope the numbers are all good but it's the first one so it's hard to say. So for now... come on, witch!!!

It looks like I'll be getting a lot of paperwork in the mail because they authorize each thing individually. The good news is I just got my CD3 stuff in the mail with authorization. I need to call the financial person for IUI auth, too. I'm glad I have insurance. Since this is a natural cycle it's going to run me about $225 out of pocket. Next month with the extra ultrasound and HCG injection it'll be about $425 so that's tough. I know a lot of people pay a lot more, but coming up with $425 out of pocket each month is hard, so we'll be stuck at home until we get our BFP. The third cycle will probably be the same and then we'll do the HSG and depending on Andy's numbers move onto IVF. That should be around the end of September/beginning of October, but I'm PRAYING that we conceive on one of these IUIs. Maybe she'll give me clomid for the third one if we haven't had success. Or we'll do the HSG and one more with clomid if the numbers are good. Either way, I'm thankful for the IF coverage. We'd never be able to afford $850 a month out of pocket and as it is have to budget very hard and we can't do much that's fun over the next few months. It'll be SO WORTH IT when I finally look at that damn pee stick and see TWO pink lines instead of one!!!!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Getting My Hopes Up... again.

I'm excited about next month, but next month isn't here yet, so I'm going to talk about what I'm actually feeling right now. I took a test this morning at 10DPO and it was negative. It happens. It's 10DPO (someone remind me why I keep wasting money and tests so early). My temp was SO HIGH this morning. A few days ago I was all excited about my super-high temp, but today's was even higher. 98.34. I overlayed my charts on fertilityfriend and it's actually the highest temp I've ever gotten. I'd be excited, but I have weeeeird feelings in my uterus and I'm convinced it's AF getting ready to rear her head. Last month at 10DPO I have cramps. Real ones. These are not cramps. It's a weird discomfort. It hurts in my lower back (but not like cramps do). It does get crampy every so often around my ovaries, but it's just not like regular cramps. I'm still pretty sure this is AF, but I'm curious to see what my temp is tomorrow. If it's still high I'll have to raise an eyebrow. What's interesting is yesterday it was quite low, but I had gotten up to pee leaving only 2 SOLID hours of sleep, so it probably should've been higher and I didn't count it. Still... low at 9DPO and insanely high at 10DPO? Anything's possible. I'm going to the dollar store to get cheapo tests so I can keep taking them and not empty my bank account (There's another one of those crampy things! It's in a different place than i'm used to.. like it's only part of my uterus and higher up than the cramps I'm used to).

Clearly I've gotten my hopes up (dammit!). I know in my heart that chances are it's BFN BUT it might not be. I ovulated, we DTD... why not? Only time will tell. I'm sure on Monday or Tuesday I'll take that unfortunate trip to the bathroom and realize the witch has arrived... but.. I'm holding out hope until then. If little one did implant over yesterday and Wednesday, my HCG probably wouldn't be high enough to test, even on an early response.

Trying to conceive could really drive any woman to the looney bin. It's strange and annoying, but I'm excited. I'm hopeful about next month's IUI, but still about this month too. Trying to walk that line is so freaking hard. Too excited or too depressed.. never right in the middle.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Holy crap. We're actually moving forward!!!!

When we got Andy's last test results I was excited, but the nurse was pretty negative about it. We've heard nothing but "IVF!" since the first visit, and I was preparing for how to talk to the RE at my IVF consult abot how we would like to try an IUI first because I was sure she wouldn't agree. When we went in and she started talking she immediately went to IUI. We didn't have to say a word about it, and she only mentioned IVF in the context of "If these don't work and we have to move on in a few months...". I was surprised, and Andy and I kept holding hands and smiling at each other. We were going to wait until the next cycle (starting in late July) to get started, but she wants to do an unmedicated cycle. She doesn't think I need medication... she said she thinks our problem is getting things where they need to be when they need to be there. We're not sure what affect the 1 "abnormal" part of Andy's test will have, but we'll have to go in and actually do the wash to find out for sure. Now, we're still waiting for AF this month and hoping she doesn't come. I'm actually a little more hopeful because the RE kind of gave me the impression that we might be able to conceive on our own given enough time. I might be making that up though lol. I also feel like the fact that she was pushing IVF so hard and has stepped back to IUI shows that we have an actual shot. She had no issues recommending IVF so she must really not think we need it yet. So here's my little timeline for this month:

CD1 (Around 6/21 - SO CLOSE) - Ultrasound and bloodwork
OPK + (probably somewhere around CD18) - Call and schedule IUI, then IUI the next day
14 days later - beta

It's an extremely simple cycle. She said to call when I see ANY significant color change on the OPK strip, which is good because they can be a little tough to decipher at times. She said we had the option of doing more monitoring and a trigger shot, but we decided we'd try 1 natural cycle first and then if we needed another cycle we'll do the trigger. We hadn't planned on doing it at all so I need to get my finances in order before we add more ultrasounds. They're just over $100 a pop, which won't be a big deal soon, but until we get these 2 credit cards paid it's a lot. And according to Fertilityfriend, I do O the same day as my true + OPKs or the day after so we should be fine with timing.

There's no way to tell if this is going to work or not, and I'm curious to see what the wash does (I'm nervous about that part) but it's cool to have something to try starting in just a few days!!!!

Also, she said she's ok with waiting a few cycles before the HSG. She says she has no reason to think I would have a problem, but that if there were a blockage the IUI definitely won't work. Because of my kidneys, though, she's willing to wait 3 cycles and see what happens. Since we're not doing a lot of monitoring and I have 50% coverage, if they happened to find a blockage, we wouldn't have wasted TOO much money. And if I got pregnant during those 3 cycles she wouldn't have to risk any kidney trouble. Psyched about this lol.

Our timeline is still the same. We'll be doing 3 IUIs and then looking at IVF around October/November if needed. I am hoping everything is ok with my kidneys during this time but we'll keep monitoring them to make sure my creatinine stays under 1.4. If it starts to get worse we'll move to IVF faster, but hopefully it'll stay around the 1 mark. In October I'll have about $1000 more a month than I do now so it'll make paying for treatment easier too. The IVF loan would be about $250 dollars per month (for 4 years but we'd pay it faster) for 1 cycle, so that's nothing to sneeze at.

On the monetary front, Andy has an interview on Friday that I'm VERY excited about and I think he will get the job. The company is a contractor for Comcast, so he already knows the system they use, and our friend Michelle works there and has put in some good words for him. He likes and is very good at customer service jobs, and he'd be on the phone with employees half the time too. They pay decently so we'll have more money to hopefully get some bills paid off for good. It's in Frederick which is about 50 minutes from our house, but Andy drives for a living now, so it won't cost any more in gas, and he'd probably keep the delivery job a few nights a week. He picks school back up in the Spring in Towson, so that's.. a good hour and a half from Frederick, but he's going to try to set it up so he only has to go to campus 1 day a week and it would be his day off so he won't have to drive all that way. They have hybrid classes so he could go 1 day and get face time with the teacher (which is good for him) but have 1 day of online learning. If nothing else he could do somethingl ike Tuesday/Thursday classes and have 1 day be his day off so he only has to make the crazy drive once a week.

This has been an insanely long post but I'm done. I'm just excited to finaly have a timeline in my hands! It's the coolest feeling to know that if I get my period in a few days, we're starting a real treatment!!!! YAY!

Monday, June 14, 2010

I finally got a +OPK on CD20. For the very first time in my life it was VERY positive. It was not "so close I'm going to consider it positive although it's technically not". I got nervous because the 3 days after ovulation my temps were very low, but they've since shot up. As a matter of fact, my chart looks insane now. My bbt this morning was 98.26!! It has NEVER been that high before so I think that must mean there's a good amount of progesterone which is a good thing. I find myself being sort of not hopeful this month. We still have some issues on Andy's side (although things are improving and most of the issues are minor and going away!). Things keep getting better so who knows how they were when it actually came O time, but I guess not being hopeful makes it easier for me not to flip out. I'm also not hopeful because I got insane cramps at 4DPO. I had those last month which was obviously not a BFP cycle. I wonder why I get those. I guess I just hope it doesn't mean something is WRONG.. like.. what if my uterine lining is starting to break down that early? That seems extremely unlikely with a 12 day LP, but... I need something to worry about right? I think we did a lot of things this month that had potential - soy and preseed. I don't know if either one really helped, but I guess time will tell.

I have had horrible heartburn since yesterday. It has been waking me up at night and at times it hurts so bad I can't talk. This is unusual for me but I think it's because I've been eating bad foods. I have had boob pains, too, but I had them last month and I think they're just due to ovulation. They've been on the armpit line today.

I keep rambling, knowing nothing I say or do can predict or really give me any insight as to whether or not this month worked. I'm trying to walk the line between too optimistic, and too pessimistic. I don't want to not have hope, because I know God requires faith to work his miracles, but I don't want to get so optimistic I break down if it's a BFN.

Wednesday is our IVF consult. We're going to hear her out about the IUI and see why she doesn't want us to do it, but we may request it anyway. I'm sure she's going to have me set up the HSG and I am TERRIFIED. I talked to Andy last night about it. He promised me he wouldn't let it hurt me and it was the absolute sweetest thing. He's been so awesome with all of this. This morning when I told him my temp was REALLY high he started asking the baby questions lol.

"Do you want some water baby? How about some Swedish Fish?". I told him the baby would not be having any Swedish Fish until he was safely out of my body lol. It's fun to talk like that and hope and dream. I just hope one day soon we're really talking to a baby in there.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Well, considering pregnancy is not possible without ovulation, things aren't looking fantastic this month so far. CD18 and still - OPK and no temp shift. I'm curious to see what my temp is tomorrow. If it dips that might indicate ovulation soon. I'm starting to think maybe the soy was a bad idea. Of three cycles I've temped, I have ovulated on each, on CD16, 17, and 18. My last two LPs were 12 days, so I guess I could ovulate up until CD21 and still have a "normal" period for me at 33 days. It's pretty frustrating waiting and wondering.  I just keep wishing this would be the month. Even if I get a BFN it's fun to dream during the TWW. I'm still feeling pretty positive... I think if I didn't have kidney disease we'd give it another full year before looking at IVF. We'd be so much more financially stable without it, although my mom did say she'd co-sign a loan and we can afford the actual payments pretty well when I get my raise in October, so it won't cripple us I just... would like to use that $400 a month loan payment buying baby furniture and saving to take 12 full weeks off with my baby... starting a college fund!

I guess we'll see in the next few days. I hope I didn't REALLY mess things up with the soy. I hope I get a period on my own and stuff. I know we still have some issues on Andy's side but things are so much better and we definitely have a shot, especially as things continue to improve... especially with IUI.

I think I lost some weight this week on Weight Watchers. I'll see exactly how much tomorrow. I did eat some pizza today, but I've had a good week I think. Much better than previous weeks. I'm on the right track anyway. I think I'd like to lose 20 more pounds by the July cycle IUI (which should be around August 6th). We'll see!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Well we're on CD16 and still no signs of ovulation. I know that last month I ovulated on CD18, so I'm not super concerned, but I usually have some sort of sign beforehand. I think the soy either regulated everything or royally effed it up. I'm so excited for this month because we have so much of a better chance than even last time. I'm feeling so much more positive about this whole thing now. I know Andy's doing better and I just feel like maybe we will conceive without IVF. I always had hope but it's the first time in a while I've really felt it was possible. Especially with IUI. If we do that, the doctor will know for sure that I ovulate, and she'll be putting the sperm right where they need to be. I'll have the HSG to make sure there's a good environment for implantation... I just feel like we have a shot.

I talked to my parents today about my cholesterol and they're not worried. I feel like maybe we can do a few extra cycles before IVF. I still want my kidneys to be in as good shape a possible, but I also want to be financially sound, and if we can avoid IVF we should be able to pay of our credit cards and fix our credit scores and buy a house. I'd love to have a house for my baby to grow up in and IVF would sort of render that impossible for a while. I'm also paying off two other bills by October so I'll have that extra money plus a raise... I could save money for when I'm on maternity leave instead of paying $400 a month in a fertility loan. If IUI fails it sucks but it's not nearly as much money.

Nothing is guaranteed but if Andy continues to improve we might have even a better chance a few months from now. When we do our first one (hopefully in July if doc lets us) It'll be 5 weeks or so from his last test so things might be even better. He started taking zinc yesterday which I think is going to help even more.  I'm really hoping to be pregnant by my 30th birthday this year. That's only 6 more cycles including this one but I hope it works. I'd love to feel my baby moving around at Christmas time.

I'm just so excited. I feel a little less pressure with Andy doing better. I am sort of looking forward to our appointment on the 16th but I'm really nervous that she's just going to flat out say no.  I think it should be my decision so I hope she doesn't. It'll put us back a while finding a new doctor.

I'm ready for this month to see how things go. I know things still aren't ideal but it's very possible. Now I just need to ovulate this month!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

So the results are in, and Andy is doing MUCH better. I promised him I wouldn't get into details about the exact tests and specifications, but he's in the normal range for almost everything and it's a marked improvement. We've been thinking and tossing around ideas for a while about what to do in different scenarios for his tests. I know that my RE wants us to do IVF, but when I look at the tests (and run them by people on my mesage boards) they always say "DO IUI!". I'm inclined to anyway. It runs $3-400 a month as opposed to about 7 grand. I figure if we do a few and it works, we've saved a ton of money. If it doesn't work, then we will move on to IVF with a fetility loan and a cosigner. I'm so annoyed that this has to happen now. I'm getting a $14,000 raise in October, so it wouldn't be an issue to just pay the money each month outright. Since we're doing it now, we'll have to scrimp and save, and I'm worried because I've been trying to pay off my credit cards to improve my credit so we qualify for the loan, but if we're paying for IUI, I can't pay extra on my credit cards.

June is going to be natural, so we're going to try to have a ton of fun and pay off as much as we can so that when July rolls around and we start paying out the butt for these procedures, we'll have done what we could beforehand. I think we'll probably try 2-3, so July, August, and MAYBE September but we'll probably head right to IVF then. I hope we don't need to! I'm feeling better and more confident with the new test results, and hopeful for a natural conception, although not expecting it, so I guess we'll see.

We have our "IVF consult" on June 16th and I already told her I want to try IUI first. I know she will try to talk me out of it but what's it to her? Hopefully she will just let us do the 2 IUIs. If not we'll be talking to someone else and I don't want to waste that time so I hope she is ok with it. I am also tentatively getting the HSG 9 days after my next cycle starts, so approximately June 28th. Hopefully it won't start, but if it does... ugh. I am dreading this HSG but at least I'll know what's going on in there and I hope everything is ok! And then on to treatments. I'm very hopeful about IUI. I hope it works.