Sunday, June 27, 2010

I've been thinking a lot today, and I've decided that I have to change my attitude about this whole process. I keep telling my husband "I can't change the way I feel!" but I think that I have to. I can't let TTC ruin my life, and sometimes I feel like that's what it's doing. I'm constantly depressed and disappointed and angry. I get pissed off every time someone new is pregnant, like it's God's personal little attack on me. I keep thinking about all the horrible things in my life. And yes, we've had a lot of road blocks. Our first TTC road block came in October so I've been starting to feel this way little by little since then. I won't say that I'll never get down about the process.. that would be incredibly stupid.. but I won't live my life in fear and sadness.

The fact of the matter is that no one else's TTC journey has an effect on mine. Some people get lucky but some people don't, and everyone has their own story. I wish that we didn't have the time limit we do, but that's no one else's fault. Sure it's not mine, but... it's no one else's. And it's ridiculous that all of this time I've been sad and worried and the fact is that whatever is going to happen to me is going to happen. And it may not "happen for a reason" like everyone says, and I may not have to "just relax" but I will have faith.

There are people in the world who want to TTC but don't have anyone to TTC with.. or who lost their uterus to cancer. And those people have to deal with their situation every day just like I do. I hope they're dealing better than I have. I've been obsessive and depressed... depressing and pessimistic. When it comes down to it, though we've been trying for longer, Andy's tumor messed things up, and we've only had 2 cycles that really had a shot at working. And this month we were going to try the IUI but we found the high TSH. What if I'd gotten pregnant and lost the baby? I can never know what would have happened, but I know the doctors aren't canceling to spite me. I want to get back on track ASAP and I'd like to do the IUI next cycle. If not it will put us into the August-September cycle. Which is getting REALLY close to the IVF deadline. But we'll keep trying. We'll do whatever we have to to have this baby. And if more people get pregnant before me that doesn't change how much I want it or how much I'm going to love my baby whenever it happens and however it happens. Andy told me this morning that  he thinks I'm going to love and appreciate my baby even more because of what we've dealt with. It was a sweet gesture and I always forget that all of this is hard on him too. And constantly talking about it doesn't help. As positive as he's been about all of this I need to return the favor when he needs me, too.

There's no one I'd rather be going on this journey with than my husband and if for nothing other than him.. I'm going to keep faith that we'll have this baby together. He deserves that much from me.


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