Well.. I know 3 women who are either pregnant or have just given birth. All 3 conceived their children immediately after coming off birth control. As in.. the very first month. While I'm extremely happy, I'm having a down day. I called andy at the wrong time and he was not at all supportive. And the thing is I'm SO HAPPY for them (especially the one I found out about today). I just needed to hear "it's ok, we'll have our baby soon". I know he doesn't quite understand because he's not a woman, but I wish he hadn't gotten so worked up. I let him finish what he was doing that was making him act like such an asshat, and then we talked again and he said he was sorry and such, and I told him that all I want from him is some positivity and support, and he understands better. He thought I was being selfish and jealous, but is realizing that I'm very happy.. I'm just.. confused more than anything. Disappointed, but not about her. Trying to have a baby has just made everything more difficult for us. Our fuses are like.. millimeters long these days because we're so frustrated with all of it. The health issues that made it such a priority, the fact that we want the baby so badly and it's not working (yet) and the out of pocket money every month for the procedures that are coming up. I really wish our relationship could just be normal. I wish I could take the medicine to even me out because I'm a nutcase of emotions, and I wish we weren't so stressed we were lashing out all the time.

Andy said to me "We're going to have this baby because we're going to do everything we have to. I won't lie to you because I don't know how long it's going to take... but we're going to do everything we have to and in the mean time you can't get upset every time someone gets pregnant". Why couldn't he just say that the first time? I do need to let these things roll off my back a little more. It's such a weird feeling because there's half of me that's just.. thrilled. When she told me I held her hands and jumped up and down and meant it. But there's the other half that's like "Really? Why is this so easy for so many other people?" I know a lot of women struggling with infertility, and most of them say they have struggled with this at some point. I wish I knew how to deal with it better. I'm excited to have CD3 bloodwork done tomorrow. I'm going to ask them about the protocol and if the success rate is really ok because I've heard the success rate is very low.. like 7% for an unmedicated IUI. I know next month we're doing the Ovidrel, but I hope we don't have to go that route because the first one works. I'm tired of being down about this... about everything. I keep thinking "I want something good to happen". And then I say "well Andy's test results are better now!" and then it's followed up with "Well why did he have to have the  tumor to begin with?". I HATE being so negative because it's not me. I don't have a short fuse. I'm not pessimistic and angry. I wish I knew what would help, but I don't. All I can do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I can. I won't be miserable forever because of things I can't control. I have a good job and an amazing husband and things might not be happening in my timing... but we're doing everything we can and I am going to HAVE to be happy with that. I refuse to be unhappy anymore.