10 Reasons I Will Not Cry When I Call And Cancel My IUI (Again)

I'm having difficulty coming up with like.. 2. But I'm forcing myself to find reasons not to be upset about this. I have to cancel it if I don't hear from the high risk OB by Monday. The first appointment is scheduled for Tuesday. I'm 99% sure she's not going to call. She has to get with my nephrologist and he's insanely busy. I want to cry just thinking about canceling a second time, and then taking a 6 month break. BUT... here they are:

1. The Chicago White Sox. If I have to cancel, I will have money to go to the game. I really need something fun.
2. I won't have to up the # of people who've looked "down there".
3. Nothing plastic will make its way through my cervix.
4. I won't have to get up at 6 AM
5. My poor right arm vein will have a chance to rest
6. Andy will have another month of vitamins
7. I will have another month to lose weight
8. I can take comfort in knowing I'm doing the right thing for my baby
9. I'll know that I've put faith in God's timing
10. I'm cheating. I'm still pretty pumped about not having things go through my cervix.

I managed to make that just about the IUI, not even the 6 month wait. To be honest, I'm scared this will never happen for me, but I'm trying not to be. Andy promises me we'll have our own biological baby and I trust and believe him. It's a rough time, but I found ten whole things to be glad about, so I just have to try to focus on them.

The appointment was yesterday. I think part of me expected to walk in there and have him say "I'm sorry, but you need to forget about having kids for now". That did not happen. He was actually surprised when I told him the high risk OB said we needed to wait. From his point of view, creatinine is the be all and end all, but he agreed to talk with her and explain my disease more thoroughly so she could decide what the risks were and what the cutoff for protein loss is and present it to me before we choose a course of action. I'm currently awaiting her call. Chances are I will have to cancel this IUI, too, so there go my July baby hopes.

He did say he thinks my protein numbers were off. He says it's more likely that they're in the 4000s instead of 5000s. I don't know how it's possible but I trust him. I have no or very little edema and my serum albumin is normal. Low-normal, but normal. I thought a bit more about my last post and I guess my worst fear didn't actually come true because my creatinine didn't go up. He actually explained that when it had gone up to 1.2 I was on the blood pressure meds which can make it go up artificially. That said, when I first came to him my creatinine was around 1, and it still is, and it's been a year and a half. He said he thought that I was worrying that my creatinine would go up if we took 6 months off of TTC to do treatments (he was spot on). He doesn't think that's going to happen. He couldn't guarantee it, but he seemed very confident that 6 months is not going to bring me to a creatinine level where it's unsafe to conceive. All of this said, our options are now 2 not 4:

1. Try to have a baby right now.
2. Take 6 months off and do the Cellcept treatment

If the high risk OB says it's ok after talking to the nephrologist, we will go with number 1. If not, we will wait 6 months and do the Cellcept. I don't want to wait, so I guess it depends If she comes to me and says there's a 50% chance your baby will be born at 28 weeks or earlier, we can't take that risk. I don't want to get 5 years down the road and see my child with developmental delays or health problems and know it was my fault because I was impatient. I have to be responsible and do what's going to be best for both of us, so I'm very anxiously awaiting her call.

I don't really want to do the Cellcept treatment. It's similar to the prednisone I did, meaning I have to go to the infusion center and get IVs. My immune system will be completely compromised so it will be tough to even go out during the fall, and I may have to work from home. There is an up side, however. I've been doing weight watchers and I'm losing some weight. If I could lose 50 pounds that would be a great help. It would make the chance of a healthy pregnancy even higher, and the chance of GD lower. It would help my sugars in general since they've been climbing a bit. It'll help my blood pressure, too. Plus we could save some money which is something we desperately need to do. We'd be able to pay off all of my credit cards and some of Andy's. Plus Andy would have had time for his vitamins and things to work and for his sperm to get as close to normal as possible. I'm trying to see the up side. I want a baby, but I want a healthy baby, and I have 2 Johns Hopkins specialists working on my treatment plan and care, and I know that whatever we come up with will be the best thing for me.

I'm still praying every night about it but it hasn't gotten easier to deal with the fact that I have this problem or that I'm not pregnant. I want this child so bad, and I know that in the scheme of things, if I do have to take 6 months off, it's not a long time. But I can't help how I feel and how much I want this. I keep trying to trust God's timing and I know that if I have to wait that he needs it that way.

These decisions are never easy. I told myself I woudn't do another treatment until I had a child, but if she calls me and tells me the risks are really high, I just cant justify my selfishness. I will need some treatment either way, whether it be now or after we have a baby, and it's pretty scary. Cellcept is not a drug to mess around with and part of me is terrified that it won't work. Because if it doesn't there's really nothing left. The steroids were helping but he doesn't want to keep me on them forever. I suppose I could stay on Cellcept forever... transplant recipients do, but that's if it works in the first place. He did say that the fact that I responded to the steroids is a good indicator that I should respond to this. It wasn't a complete response, but it was something, so I'm hopeful.

Right now I'm just trying to live each day. I'm so scared things won't work and my kidneys will decline, and I'm scared of my dream of a child not coming true. But being scared isn't helping and I need to live my life. So I'm trying. I figured I'd give myself through this weekend to mope and sit on my butt watching movies, but then I need to pick myself up. I have been facing a lot of adversity today, but my point about this baby thing has been that I don't want to give up my dreams. The same goes for my other dreams of being happy and doing what I love. It's really hard sometimes, but new treatments are being discovered every day, and all I can do is hope that one of them works for me, and pursue my interests in the mean time. I'm still confident that I will have a baby of my own, whether it be 9 or 15 months from now. And my kidneys.. well, we're just going to have to figure out a way to fix them. And I have the best doctor in the world for that.

My worst fear has become my reality. Back in July when I was contemplating what to do with my kidney disease, my absolute worst fear was that the treatment wouldn't work, and I'd end up in the same place only 6 months later, with 6 months of wasted time behind me. That's where I sit today, 1 year later. I did 6 months of prednisone. I gained 30 pounds (putting me above the IVF weight I need to return to). I missed a lot of work and felt miserable. When I first stopped the treatment things were looking good. My creatinine and urinary protein had both decreased dramatically. Today, while my creatinine is still OK, (it went from .95 - 1.03, which is within the margine of error for the test) my protein has gone from 1670 to 5700. Proteinuria in this range is called Nephrotic Syndrome, and increases risks during pregnancy. So now I'm faced with choices again:

1. Take anti-rejection drugs. These increase the incidence of cancer, and aren't proven to really have a benefit. Other side effects include hair loss and complete immuno-suppression. They cannot be taken during pregnancy
2. ACE inhibitors. These did not seem to decrease my protein by much the last time I was on them, and my creatinine still increased. They cannot be taken during pregnancy.
3. More Prednisone. This did help while I was on it. I was on an extremely high dose, but only for 9 days out of the 6 month period. The rest of the time I was on 35mg every other day. Protein decreased by 3000mg. I probably can't take the IV dose again, but this is the treatment of choice for nephrotic syndrome. I could try it in a long-term smaller dose. This may or may not help. It greatly suppresses the immune system. It is pregnancy category B, and the benefits of taking it will probably outweigh the risks, since proteinuria can effect a fetus as well.
4. IVIG therapy. This is an extremely expensive therapy requiring 6 IV doses of immunoglobulin G given over 3-6 months 12 hours at a time. This therapy has not been studied well, but 1 study indicated a great improvement in 10/11 patients. It is for people with severe/progressive IGA. This medicine is actually given to women with recurrent pregnancy losses to prevent miscarriage. Side effects are very minimal.

These are my options!?? 1 & 2 are out. I want to continue to persue a pregnancy, and I do not want to take anything that could cause cancer. Not yet, anyway. I'm excited about option 4's potential and am interested to see what the Dr. says. I'm not psyched about #3, but I know that it helped last time, and I have a feeling that a lower dose would still provide some benefit. All in all, I responded well last time, and I feel that with a careful eye on my diet I can keep from gaining weight.

My high risk OB seemed very concerned about beginning a pregnancy with nephrotic syndrome, so I do want to do something to help. The good side is that my creatinine is still good and my BP isn't high, and pregnancies with kidney disease have a "Favorable outcome" with creatinine under 1.4 and no high blood pressure. The proteinuria does add another factor, but without the high blood pressure my outlook is still good. Still, I want to get my proteinuria as low as possible, so I feel I have to try something. I am hoping my doctor will go for one of the treatments I want, though I know he wants to push Cellcept, the anti-rejection drug. I'm just not at a point where I want to take those risks, and the course is for over a year, which means no baby for over a year, and if it didn't work, I might not have a chance at all.

Honestly, I'm devastated. I have no interest in being at work. I want to go home and watch TV all day. I don't have a choice but to be here and do my best, but it's hard. I don't want my kidneys to fail and I want to have a baby. This is a very trying time for me... especially when I thought I was ok. I thought my kidneys might really be getting better. I was so scared to get my results and this is why. I just hope we can do something and I can bring a healthy baby into the world and remain healthy myself.

Love

I am a very lucky woman. The last few days, and being a lurker on some Nest message boards has helped me to see this. My husband is amazing. I don't know that I've ever admitted this to anyone, but he does probably 80% of the house work. I clean bathrooms, and help him here and there on Sundays. He vacuums, mops, does laundry, empties the dishwasher, etc. We have a little bit of an arrangement because I'm paying more bills right now, but to be perfectly honest, he works way harder and more hours than I do. And he still takes care of me when I'm not feeling well. Yesterday I called him terrified all of a sudden that I was going to die an not be able to be with him and he helped me to calm down. He lets me lean on me when I'm struggling with my health issues.. he carries me when I'm depressed about not being pregnant yet. And through all of it he stays insanely positive. His attitude lifts me up when I'm down. I don't know if there's any way I could repay my husband for the strength he gives me when I have none left. I wish I could express in words what I feel in my heart and I just can't. I want him to have everything in the world that he wants. I don't ever want him to feel an ounce of pain or heartache. I feel guilty when I cry because I know it hurts him to see it. I don't think he'll ever read this blog, and I don't think he'll ever know how truly grateful I am to have him in my life. I thank God every night for him, and I'm not sure that he knows. I am so terribly in love that it aches to not see him sometimes. The way I feel make me think we really are meant to have a child together. I told him yesterday that I never realized how much I could really love someone. I think this often, and each time it's true because it grows stronger. I know that this entire entry is a big pile of sap, but I need to write it down, because despite all the things I don't have... or have that I wish I didn't... I will always be thankful for my husband and everything he is and everything he's given me.

I still haven't heard from the kidney doctor. It's driving me insane. I really want to be ok and not knowing is horrible. If things are worse we have to really look at what we're doing and when. If it's stable then we actually have a little room to relax... at least some. The good news is I saw the endo today and my blood pressure was normal! I'm pretty sure the headache I had at the last doctor was making my bp high. WHEW. She did give me medicine for my thyroid. I don't know what I expect it to do but maybe it helps? I'm at the point where I hope my period doesn't come, but if it's going to, I want it to be NOW lol. I guess I'll just wait and see. My mom said she felt like she was getting her period before she was pregnant. It's so annoying that pregnancy symptoms and AF symptoms are exactly the same. I really have no reason to think I'm not pregnant but I guess I just don't want to be disappointed. I'm still hopeful. But we'll see.

Well yesterday's cramping has subsided for now thank God. 9-10DPO were pretty terrible. I had the ovary stabs and crampies and then yesterday just plain cramps. Today I still feel like a pre-AF mess. My tummy is a-rumblin' and I'm an emotional wreck, but that's what happens when AF is headed here. There's a teeny piece of me that hopes the two days of crap was implantation, but mostly... I'm jsut preparing for disappointment again. And to be honest, I'm not even excited about the IUI. I don't want to tell my husband again. I don't want to wait 3 weeks to even have the IUI. And they want me in on day 12 for the ultrasound. I don't usually ovulate until day 18! They better not make me come in more than 3 times 'cause I simply cannot afford it. I really can't afford 3 times, but I'll have to figure it out.

Still no word about my kidneys.

I am a mess today, and I am grateful that I have a 4 hour work day, otherwise it'd be  a big mess. I'm so not interested in being here. AND I had a beautiful baby dream last night where I had a 3 month old son. I just want that for real. I am hoping and praying my test results come back ok. I'm scared shitless and on the verge of tears. My cholesterol was over 500 last time and is probably higher now. I pray hard that it isn't. I need to call MFM about the cholesterol med that's supposed to be pregnancy-ok.

I'm terrified right now of my kidneys, my cholesterol, and IF... of never having my own baby. I can't take it right now. I just want to go home and sleep.

I'm not out, but I feel it. Yesterday with all those weird aches, pains, stretches, etc... got me hopeful. Now not so much. I feel like AF is just around the corner, and she's scheduled to show up on Friday. I was so excited for this month. I guess I'm not out until I'm out but I feel out. My temp is still in the 98s, but it usually is 10DPO. Negative test this morning. And I'm getting scared that the pains the week before AF are actually a problem. I'm going to mention them to Tara... the aching back and hips and the sharp ovary pains. Maybe it's nothing and I hope it's nothing but it's worth bringing up. This TTC thing is starting to wear on me. We're moving into our 6th real cycle after 4 months of the MFI dealings... so it'll be 10 months we've been dealing with it and it's starting to take a toll. I told Andy... "If I knew 100% I was going to have a biological baby, I wouldn't sweat this AT ALL". But I don't know that 100% and the uncertaintiy is so stressful.  *sigh* I just want a baby with my husband... to see his chubby cheeks in our little one. Next month is our IUI.. and it's still July.. but what's with all the pain!? I hope the RE has answers for me soon.

I really have no idea what's going on. I'm 9DPO. I could be pregnant by now. I could not be. But .. OW. I have to vent for a minute and this is the only place I feel comfortable.

I haven't really had any "symptoms" this 2ww. And then last night something happened. I was just sitting there and got this crazy sharp, stabbing pain where my right ovary is. It lasted a few minutes and subsided but it was crampy and achey for a few hours afterwards. I expected it to be gone this morning, but it wasn't. It's not constant but it still aches and at times it feels very stretchy and pulled. Every so often I get sharper pains a little to the left.. closer to the right side of my uterus. These are pains I've never had before and I keep getting overly excited. I've also got my first sore throat in a very long time and it doesn't feel like a cold.. just a sore throat. I'm trying SO hard not to get super excited, but the pains could easily be the corpus luteum really doing its job. I feel like an idiot even writing this. I am trying not to set myself up for a fall. I have been getting some cramping just above the pubic bone which could definitely be AF coming. She should be here in 4 days. I have a few $store tests I'm going to try starting tomorrow - 10DPO.

I keep going back and forth between "I could really be pregnant" to "I am so not pregnant". We have been trying for a little bit... we have all the right pieces as far as we know.. so why not? I just don't want to be devastated. Right now I'm operating under the assumption that it's just not going to happen, but I know part of me will be pretty disappointed. We just have to keep trying... and next month is on to IUI (but hopefully not!)

I did my 24 hour urine so in a few days I'll know where I stand. I'm so nervous. I hope we don't have to jump right to IVF because I still have to lose 15 pounds. I'm trying to lose it by October 1st but if my numbers are bad we do't have that time. Dear God, please let my creatinine still be under 1. PLEASE.

Today I am 6DPO. Baby could be implanting! This cycle has felt pretty much exactly the same as the last two except I didn't have any cramping at 4DPO which I did have both of those cycles. I didn't chart symptoms prior so I'm not sure. Part of me thinks the cramps might have been in my head, but I remember specifically last month not putting it down and then finally it just hurt so bad I realized it was for SURE cramping. Maybe it's a good sign that I didn't have it this month. Maybe it's nothing. I guess only time will tell. I've been pseudo-temping and it dipped today. It's a bit late for an estrogen surge, but I put 0 faith in "implantation dips" anyway. There's a part of me that is just incredibly excited and a part of me that keeps thinking "There's no way this is going to happen for us when we've had so many issues". The fact is, though, that through all our testing, the only problem we've found is Andy's low morph that isn't really very low. We have no reason to think we won't get pregnant or that the IUIs won't work. Yes, I'm overweight and seeing the endo about my thyroid but I'm ovulating. That doesn't mean there isn't something we don't see... a blocked tube or whatnot.. but we do really have a shot, so I don't know why I feel that way. I mean people get pregnant all the time, right? Would it be so crazy for us? I guess part of it stems from the fact that we had severe MFI just 6 months ago. We had absolutely 0 hope of conceiving... and it's hard to fathom that we're here today.. barely considered MFI.. and NOT by the new WHO standards. For that I must take time out and give all thanks and praise to God. I'm still terrified that my kidneys put me at higher risk for Pre-E and my BP is borderline as it is and m A1C was a bit high. Fasting glucose was 100% normal though. I'm kind of hoping the Endo gives me Met, too. I'm pretty sure (as in I will force her) to give me the synthroid. My RE said no to met since I'm already ovulating but I don't think she saw the bloodwork that I'm borderline IR so if I do get it, I'll ask her first, but I'm sure she'll OK it. so if I'm not pregnant now, next month I'll be

a) on synthroid/lower TSH
b) a few pounds lighter
c) doing an IUI

So those are some great things. But still.. we hope this is the month. I'm not testing though. I can't find cheapies anywhere.. the dollar store is always out. And I'm not using the magical test until I'm late. So if AF isn't here and I'm 13DPO I'm testing. I'd really love to be pregnant for Christmas and our Anniversary.

On another note, I had that sternum pain two nights ago. It was HORRID. I woke up out of a dead sleep and shot up in bed. usually once I am sitting it starts to go away, but it didn't. I was ready to start screaming as I turned over onto my left side and settle in, but as soon as I got settled it was gone. Last night I couldn't sleep on my right. I'm terrified because it's so painful. I got confirmation that it's not my heart, but it's still scary. I feel like it's something that's not quite connected right. Like maybe where my rib is connected (I think the last rib is right there). And when I switch to my left side it jars it into place or provides some sort of support. My brother has a "floating" floating rib. We all have a floating rib, but he has a weird/rare condition where his moves around and causes a lot of pain. He said it sounds a lot like what I describe, so I wonder if it's not that. Surgery is the only fix for it. The Dr. and I decided not to persue it until after I have a baby because we don't want to take any risks with X-Rays. I agreed with him. It only happens once in a while and it only lasts about 10 seconds. It's excrutiating for those 10 seconds but I'm not going to take the slightest risk if I can help it. I wish I knew the HSG felt like that because I could totally do it. I actually have a high pain tolerance, I just have a fear of the unknown. It's like.. this pain is horrendous.. but when it's over I think "Well if the HSG is like that it's cool". But what if it's worse? Haha. I'm still taking xanax.

Well I'm feeling pretty good today. I had a long email conversation with a pregnant co-worker. She mentioned how "easy" it was for her to get pregnant but not in any sort of arrogant or malicious way. She just said she thinks she's in the minority because it was so fast. I touched briefly on how we're starting treatments, but mentioned how excited I was. And I found out she's having a girl! So jealous of the little dresses. She's actually #1 of the "Magical test from God" FRER test box. I'm pretty excited anyway about this month. Everyone seems to be just.. so gung-ho positive about it. Andy actually told me to go buy a bunch of $ tree tests. And I feel good anyway. I know that his numbers are mostly good and.. why not? I feel so much more like we're in the 20% per cycle group now. I ovulate, Andy has swimmers. We didn't do it much this time, but I'm pretty sure I ovulated the afternoon after. I didn't temp this month, but I did pick up the thermometer this morning to see if I have "higher" temps for me, which I do. I didn't yesterday, but last month it took 4 days to get up in the 97.7s too, so that's ok. It's driving me nuts that I dont have an absolute date, but I have a +OPK date, so I'm going by the day after. That puts me at 4DPO. Normally I have cramps on 4DPO. I have no idea why this is. I guess it's just something my body does in the LP. This month I do not have cramps. I have some weird feelings every so often, but it's not cramps, so that makes me feel pretty good. It's an anti-symptom lol. I know I can't have symptoms at 4DPO, but maybe my ute knows something I dont lol... that there's a baby in there waiting to implant in the next few days.

I dunno.. I hope this month is our month, but we have a plan for next month... ultrasound day 12 and then trigger and IUI. I'm excited but I hope I don't need it!

I was unable to do the 24 hour urine test. I'm actually rather distraught today. I went to the doctor yesterday about a chest pain I've been having. He says it's musculo-skeletal and I'm not worried, but apparently my blood pressure was 146/100 or something. My blood pressure is normally pretty borderline, but it's usually around 135/85, so it's never been "high". I'm hoping this was a one-time thing, and I wish I could check it again now. I had a bad headache and he said that could be driving my blood pressure up. I'm sure my weight isn't helping either. I've said this 100,000 times, but I need to really do something about this weight. With my kidney disease my chances of pre-eclampsia are higher than normal as it is, and I don't need to add HBP to the mix. I would bet that if I even lost 25 pounds it would go down. As I sit here drinking Fanta Orange. I'm over this. Food is not as important as my baby.

I'm sort of trying not to cry. I hate that I have so many medical conditions and I know that people can have HBP one day and not chronically... especially when in pain like with my headache... but I still don't like it. I know I'm making my body work harder just to keep me alive. My heart, kidneys.. everything is processing more blood than it should have to. And I'm done with making myself miserable over this. For the (probably literally) 1,000th time, I am embarking on a journey to get rid of this weight. My husband works Monday-Saturday nights and doesn't get home until 10 so there's no reason I can't go to the gym other than laziness. You know I keep saying how badly I want this baby but as of yet I haven't done the one thing that will do my baby the most good. Not to mention I need to lose a good 15-20 pounds to do IVF. How badly do I want this baby?? It doesn't look like I want it badly at all, and I'm out to prove to myself that I can do this. Instead of sitting here being angry about my health issues I'm going to do what I can to help them. I will always have kidney disease and high cholesterol, but there is NO WAY that this extra 100 pounds isn't adding to the damage. I just can't do this anymore. I can't make excuses. I can't put my child at risk because I'm not willing to not have a piece of bacon or fried chicken. How sad is that? That it's so hard for me not to eat those things. Well... I might be in the middle of the week but I'm going back on Weight Watchers tomorrow. And I'm going through my house tonight to get rid of any trigger foods and pick up anything I'm missing.

I love you, little one. I'll prove to you that I'll do anything for you.

Officially Cancelled

Our IUI is no more. Here's what happened:

I'm taking the OPKs and getting the little lines. Yesterday I thought the line was darker but I wasn't sure, so I planned to take another when I got home. Same thing. I wanted to wait until I saw this morning's test to call. Well I'm sitting on the couch and holy ovulation pain! WTF? With clearly negative OPKs? So I take one this morning and now there's definitely a color change, but still not much of one. I called the nurse anyway and told her I got O pain the night before. She says since I see a color change we can schedule the IUI for tomorrow but their earliest appointment is 1:00 for drop-off. Andy has to be at work at noon. She says we have 2 hours but that sounds like way too much time and it's seriously cutting it close since Andy doesn't work close to home. I was pretty sure I missed O anyway so I told her just to skip it. Then I got more pains on the other side, and worse. If I'm not Oing today then my ovary is trying to dig its way out of my body. Things were just stacked up aginst us for this particular cycle. My TSH level, bad timing, Andy's schedule. I am to call on CD1 and begin the next cycle with ovidrel and monitoring so we know we'll have the timing right. I didn't want to waste 150 dollars if there was no chance of success due to timing. Next month I will have seen the endo and started meds, I'll have better timing, and hopefully not be on a weekend so I can go to my actual office. Plus I'll be able to schedule the IUI earlier so I can get a better drop-off time. And it will still be July. The much talked about "getting pregnant in July" coincidences still count because this was technically my June cycle. We will be doing TI, however, since now there's no IUI and if I did O today the egg should still be alive tonight when hubs gets home.

I'm a little upset but not too much about this. I'm also doing my 24 hour urine test so I'll know 100% how my kidneys are before we start the next cycle. I guess it's good to take care of that stuff. Part of me is sitting here thinking "what else is going to come up?" but there's only so much worrying I can do. I just have to hope this is our month and if not that next month will be. I don't believe everything happens for a reason.. that miraculously things will turn out how I want them. But I do believe God has a plan and this is part of it. Maybe he doesn't like the timing... I dont know. But I'm SURE he knows something I don't... so I just have to trust him and hope he wants for me the same things I do!

Getting Closer!

I figured out why I was so tired yesterday. The anti-nausea medicine is a serious sleep-inducer. So that's good. I got another big wave of nausea when I was going to eat my lunch today and finally asked a few people on my bump message board about it. A few of them also have IBS and said it really can do all the crazy things I've been feeling and so can food allergies. I'll make a follow-up appointment to see what's up.

In other news, my OPK got a little darker this morning. I'm praying it's not positive when I get home 'cause Andy works at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I know she said to call when I got "any significant color change" but it's hard to tell when there's always a faint line. It definitely wasn't positive, so I am hoping it's negative when I get home but turns positive tomorrow. Then the IUI will be on Saturday morning. I'm so excited for it, but I was hoping my first one would be with my doctor, not random stranger. But, if I am going to O, it's coming because all signs point there!

I feel so good about this cycle. I know most of the time when people say that it doesn't work out, and I'm probably setting myself up for disappointment, but between my mom and I thinking July, my co-worker feeling good about it, and my EED being the day before my mom's birthday, I can't help but get a little excited. AND... my coworker who is 19 weeks or so bought a 3-pack of HPTs. She used 1 and it was + so she gave it to my other co-worker. It was -, but she WAS pregnant. So she's giving it to me. 2/3 girls who used them have been pregnant, so it's neat!

Like I said, I know I'm being silly, but this IUI wasn't supposed to happen. We were going to start with the next cycle but it ended up being this one instead. July is also 6 months of treatment for Andy, which is when he was supposed to "normalize". We just have a lot of things coming together. Even if this isn't the cycle, I'll be excited for next cycle, since it's technically the July cycle, starting the end of July. And it'll be our first with Ovidrel and such. I really hope this month is it but we'll see in a few weeks.

Today I feel like crap. I mean... BAD. I woke up this morning and hopped out of bed. This was apparently a bad move as I immediately felt sick. I took a shower hoping it would help but it didn't, so I called work and went to sleep on the recliner for 2 more hours. I also took an anti-nausea medicine. When I woke up my stomach felt better, but I was so tired I had to drag myself out of the house and into work. 5 hours later that hasn't lessened. I no longer want to vomit, but my stomach still feels "off" and opening my eyes feels like the hardest job in the world. I don't even want to talk about trying to pull myself together to get to the bathroom. It's getting to be a little much... the stomach issues. The endoscopy found nothing, but something is making me feel like this. I did read the information I have about my kidney disease again and here is a little excerpt:

In general, patients with IgAN seem to need much more sleep (12 hours or more a day) than most people. Most patients find that they tire more easily and have much less stamina than formerly.

Exhaustion can make it difficult, even impossible, to concentrate, do schoolwork, or perform their job.

That is how my body feels today. I'm not sure what the nausea is about, but I hate feeling so sick. I know there's a reason for it, but it still sucks. I want to be vibrant and full of energy, and I just can't do that. Every time Andy asks me to do something I snap at him because I don't want to do anything but be on the couch. He suggested this morning trying to get healthier with exercise and such, which I want to do, but it's hard when you're this out of it. Days like these scare me because I assume my kidneys aren't functioning right and that's not good for my TTC journey. I am doing a 24 hour urine on Sunday and I see the endo on the 21st. Hopefully those things will give me some answers.

We'll be doing the IUI assuming I ovulate. I'd like to haha. No signs of impending ovulation yet though. I hope I get some soon. I like the 2WW so much better than waiting to O. I have some questions to ask the RE about anti-nuclear antibodies and such too, so hopefully I get a few minutes with her. I just want to get this first IUI done. I hope it works!

Currently I feel like I could close my eyes and sleep for 30 years. I have an hour and 20 minutes left of work and then I have to go to Walgreens, go home and put dishes away, and then I can lay down and read and watch tv. I miss my husband so much as I haven't really spent time with him in over a week. I can't wait until Saturday night/Sunday. I need my rock. Sometimes I wonder how he deals with all my physical ailments and my OCD and constant baby talk. He always tells me I'm a great wife, but I don't believe him most of the time. I love him so much. And now I'm rambling because I'm exhausted. It's time to go read work emails.

Good News!

Well, apparently it is still possible for us to get good news. I prayed last night that we get some positivity on the TTC front, and my nurse called me at 10AM with it!

IUI IS BACK ON!!

They did the rest of my thyroid tests and found everything else normal and no antibodies. I don't have thyroid disease or markers of its impending arrival. My TSH is still a bit high, so she wants me to follow up with a regular endo to see if they think I need medication. I am in the process of setting that up, but for now we get to keep going. They mentioned our "other things going on" and I think she was referring to my kidneys, so it's nice to know she has a clear view of what TTC is like for us and how urgent it is. I'm so excited to get this show on the road.

I did use an OPK this morning for the hell of it and I had a faint line. I always get faint lines as a phase-in before O, but I am really hoping that's not what this is! I switched brands this month, and I'm hoping it's just more sensitive and picking up the low levels of LH that are in my body regularly. I'll take another when I get home tonight. Hopefully it will still be really light because I'm going out of town tomorrow and I won't be back until late Monday. I scheduled it this way because the earliest I've ever Od is CD16, and we'll be back on CD14. I should've brought a test strip here so I could try mid-day but I didn't, so I have to wait until really late tonight. It's only CD10, so for me to actually be phasin in now would be crazy. I also have no CM which is very unusual for me around O.

I can't believe I'm actually doing an IUI this month. I finally feel like I'm being proactive and making a difference! I don't have insanely high hopes for the first IUI but you never know. And the next one we'll be doing monitoring and Ovidrel which is really cool! I really hope this stuff works. If not, HSG in late August/Early Sept. EEEK! I was actually going to suck it up and do it next cycle if ours were cancelled (It's almost $250 bucks so we can't do both in 1 cycle) but I have avoided it for now. I hope we get pregnant on one of these two and don't need it. Man this 2WW will be hard!!!