I was unable to do the 24 hour urine test. I'm actually rather distraught today. I went to the doctor yesterday about a chest pain I've been having. He says it's musculo-skeletal and I'm not worried, but apparently my blood pressure was 146/100 or something. My blood pressure is normally pretty borderline, but it's usually around 135/85, so it's never been "high". I'm hoping this was a one-time thing, and I wish I could check it again now. I had a bad headache and he said that could be driving my blood pressure up. I'm sure my weight isn't helping either. I've said this 100,000 times, but I need to really do something about this weight. With my kidney disease my chances of pre-eclampsia are higher than normal as it is, and I don't need to add HBP to the mix. I would bet that if I even lost 25 pounds it would go down. As I sit here drinking Fanta Orange. I'm over this. Food is not as important as my baby.

I'm sort of trying not to cry. I hate that I have so many medical conditions and I know that people can have HBP one day and not chronically... especially when in pain like with my headache... but I still don't like it. I know I'm making my body work harder just to keep me alive. My heart, kidneys.. everything is processing more blood than it should have to. And I'm done with making myself miserable over this. For the (probably literally) 1,000th time, I am embarking on a journey to get rid of this weight. My husband works Monday-Saturday nights and doesn't get home until 10 so there's no reason I can't go to the gym other than laziness. You know I keep saying how badly I want this baby but as of yet I haven't done the one thing that will do my baby the most good. Not to mention I need to lose a good 15-20 pounds to do IVF. How badly do I want this baby?? It doesn't look like I want it badly at all, and I'm out to prove to myself that I can do this. Instead of sitting here being angry about my health issues I'm going to do what I can to help them. I will always have kidney disease and high cholesterol, but there is NO WAY that this extra 100 pounds isn't adding to the damage. I just can't do this anymore. I can't make excuses. I can't put my child at risk because I'm not willing to not have a piece of bacon or fried chicken. How sad is that? That it's so hard for me not to eat those things. Well... I might be in the middle of the week but I'm going back on Weight Watchers tomorrow. And I'm going through my house tonight to get rid of any trigger foods and pick up anything I'm missing.

I love you, little one. I'll prove to you that I'll do anything for you.