Well yesterday's cramping has subsided for now thank God. 9-10DPO were pretty terrible. I had the ovary stabs and crampies and then yesterday just plain cramps. Today I still feel like a pre-AF mess. My tummy is a-rumblin' and I'm an emotional wreck, but that's what happens when AF is headed here. There's a teeny piece of me that hopes the two days of crap was implantation, but mostly... I'm jsut preparing for disappointment again. And to be honest, I'm not even excited about the IUI. I don't want to tell my husband again. I don't want to wait 3 weeks to even have the IUI. And they want me in on day 12 for the ultrasound. I don't usually ovulate until day 18! They better not make me come in more than 3 times 'cause I simply cannot afford it. I really can't afford 3 times, but I'll have to figure it out.

Still no word about my kidneys.

I am a mess today, and I am grateful that I have a 4 hour work day, otherwise it'd be  a big mess. I'm so not interested in being here. AND I had a beautiful baby dream last night where I had a 3 month old son. I just want that for real. I am hoping and praying my test results come back ok. I'm scared shitless and on the verge of tears. My cholesterol was over 500 last time and is probably higher now. I pray hard that it isn't. I need to call MFM about the cholesterol med that's supposed to be pregnancy-ok.

I'm terrified right now of my kidneys, my cholesterol, and IF... of never having my own baby. I can't take it right now. I just want to go home and sleep.