Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm playing a new game today. It's called "What's going on in my uterus". It's an exciting game, full of mystery and intrigue!! Ok, ok, in all seriousness, I am very confused. I stopped temping when I got my period because I didn't want it to throw off my chart if my temps were odd. I started temping again CD4 because my period was really light, but my temp was very high at 97.7, which is unheard of for me Pre-O, and originally I discarded it, and then CD5 my temp went down. Well, this morning it was back up to 97.9 almost! WHAT? And I'm spotting again. AND my uterus feels so weird. It feels.. full, almost. I don't know how to explain it but I'm half tempted to take an HPT and see if I've had a vanishing twin or something. I know it sounds ridiculous and probably is ridiculous, but I feel weird! My temp has never been above 97.8 Pre-O, and that was on a very off day where I slept in incredibly late (temp generally goes up about .1 degree every half hour). Have I mentioned that my boobs still hurt, too? That shouldn't still be here on CD6 either. I have been taking soy since CD3, but I can't find any information saying it should affect BBT in any way, or that it should make my uterus feel funny. I guess we'll see what happens but I am confused!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The witch just showed up. Sonofabitch. I cried a lot today because we only have 1 more cycle before IVF. I just want this to work, and I don't know how I can get 7 grand, and what if that doesn't work!??? *Sigh*. I just want this baby more than anything. This sucks.
Well, still no cramps, still no period. My temp went down again today... and I mean.. a LOT... but it was also freezing and I was shivering and missing a blanket a lot, which I've read can really affect your temps. For now I'm still expecting AF any second although if I wasn't temping there'd be absolutely no sign of her impending wrath. I still want to know what all the Monday/Tuesday cramping was about. I guess I'm not out since she's not here, but I'm losing hope. I'll test Sunday if she hasn't arrived.

My plan for next month is to take soy CD 3-7. Since I'll be in town and can closely monitor with OPKs and temp, it should be ok if I ovulate early or late. I hope it doesn't cause me to NOT ovulate, but I don't know why it would. It's a risk, but what do I have to lose? We'll also BD every other day from CD 12 I think. I think we'll also BD the day after the +OPK just in case. It should be easier now that my mom has officially moved out. Now I just have to get past being tired 24/7.

i've also realized that my weight has gotten SO FAR out of control. At this point I need to lose 20 pounds (on a doctor scale) if I want to qualify for IVF at all, and since we plan to start in July, I don't have much time. I think this month and this 2ww has taught me a lot. I can't believe how much I love this baby that may not even be in there. I can't even express it, and I would do anything for him. It makes me realize how much I NEED to be healthy for my baby. He's going to be living in my body for 9 months and I don't want to feed him crap all the time. I want to have the best shot of carrying a healthy baby and being healthy myself and his weight has got to go. I'm way too close to seeing a "3" in the front of my weight, and I will NOT let that happen. I have way too much to lose to keep gaiing weight. I am so disgusted and fed up with myself for letting it get to this point and it ends now. I will exercise and get over my "people seeing me in a swimsuit" fear. I will stop eating junk and start eating healthy for me and my baby. If we do need the IVF, I don't want to put it off because I'm too freaking fat. That's just... ridiculous!!!!! I'm done. Done. Done. Done with this life.. this body.. these habits. I will take an official starting weight and pictures Sunday, and then it's on. I will finally have the body and life I've wanted, and I will put healthy things into my system for this child.

I love you, baby. Mommy's going to do whatever it takes for you. I promise.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

12DPO. I've had shooting pains in my boobs, and they've at times been tender to the touch since 7DPO. Today I put a bra on and it hurt. That's new. I'm not sure about my temp today. It was about 97.6 yesterday. Today it was 97.53, but I tossed and turned all night and took it at 5:45. I took it again at 7, my usual time, and it was 97.88 (much better!). I had gotten up at 5:45 to pee though, so I didn't have 3 hours. I discarded the temp because I don't know if the way too early, 3 hours but tossing and turning temp, or the on time, restful sleep but got up to pee an hour before temp were right. I hope the second one, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is if I get AF or not. The cramping was pretty much gone until I pulled up this blog to write lol. So now I've been cramping for three days! Still nothing on the AF front. I have been to the bathroom about 1000 times, and have had to pee about 5 of them, but no spotting or anything. The cramps I just got are in my back, which is weird. Monday/Tuesday cramps were just like AF only not as intense. I guess I'm still expecting AF to arrive today. It's weird for me to cramp this long without getting AF. Most time I cramp and it's already here. Or I cramp and it's there the next day. I want to run to the bathroom RIGHT NOW to check, but I'm on a conference call and I can't. This 2WW is really making me nuts, and my husband even moreso. He has this ability to just let things happen and I don't have that. I wish I did. I feel pretty certain AF is here, so when this call is over I'm going to check. UPDATE - Still no period.

I really need to learn more patience with this whole thing. I think next month if this month didn't work, we'll BD more. We have our IVF consult on June 16th, so I'm interested to see how that goes. I wonder how quickly we could get the process started. I should be getting my period around June 21st so I'd like to start the BCPs right away. I'll need the saline ultrasound, and hopefully start stimming in the end of July, but I don't know if that's too soon or not. We need to workout financing, and I don't know how that's going to happen. That's the scariest part of the whole thing for me. I don't think I'm going to do the HSG. The nephrologist said he thinks I would be ok, but he's also said I shouldn't risk any procedures that weren't absolutely necessary, and since IVF bypasses the tubes, and the saline ultrasound will show the uterus, I'm going to skip it unless the RE can convince me it's necessary. I've never heard of anyone else being required to do an HSG for IVF, so we'll see. My insurance covers 50% of the IVF up to 6 fresh cycles (I have no idea what they do for FET, but I think it's the same) up to $100,000, so in theory we could do more than one, but I hope 1 cycle works for us. Even at half price it starts adding up. We don't have 7 grand in savings right now, and we can't take out a second mortgage 'cause we don't own a house. The Fertility Finance place would be 200 a month for 48 months, which we should be able to afford without issue, but that's IF we get financing! It's frustrating.

I guess I'm just rambling now. I just want a healthy, happy little one in my arms sooner than later. I want to get back on my meds and start working on my kidneys again. I want to raise a child and love him more than anyone in the world could, and watch his daddy play with his little toes. I want him to grow up with my kitties and I want to snuggle him to sleep in my arms. I said a prayer about him and burst into tears. Chances are slim that I'm pregnant with the issues we've had, but I COULD be, and I keep telling Andy I already love this baby. I keep telling him to stay put in there because we already love him and we promise to take care of him. I hope he listens.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Well... I'm 10DPO today. My boobs have been sore since the evening of 7DPO. I have never had consistent boob pain in my entire life. It comes and goes, but it has come and gone for 3 days now. I had a cramp so bad I thought I was getting my period early but it didn't come. I tested at 9 and 10DPO and BFN with a FRER 6 day early test. I don't understand how you could possibly get results on those when the embryo sometimes doesn't implant until 10DPO. I've decided not to test until Saturday when FF says AF should arrive. The strange thing is I have been cramping all day off and on. Part of me things AF is coming early, but usually my Pre-AF cramps mean AF comes within a day. If that is the case, and it comes tomorrow, or even Wednesday, that would make my luteal phase 10 or 11 days. It's never been under 12. I know I'm overanalyzing, but the basic point is that while I feel like AF is coming NOW, it shouldn't until at least Thursday.

I don't know what the Friday cramp was, but I wonder if today could have been implantation or uterine stretching. I talked to my mom a bit about it and she mentioned that AF cramps are uterine contractions, so if it feels like that, something is definitely going on down there. It could really be AF, and only time will tell.

I guess the reason I'm analyzing is that this is the first month we REALLY have a shot. We know Andy's meds have been working so there's no uncertainty about that. I guess I don't really believe I'm pregnant, but I hope I am, and I'm having very real symptoms. I also stopped to say a prayer today and as soon as I closed my eyes I burst into tears. I guess I hadn't realized how emotional I have been about this whole thing. I know I have to keep waiting, but I'm so hopeful. I don't expect anything but I want this more than anything, so maybe I'm overanalyzing, but right now I'm excited and we'll have to wait and see.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I guess I haven't posted in here in a while. So much of this process is a waiting game. We are currently in our first "official 2ww". I don't want to get into details, but we'd been having some issues but I think everything was timed right. I'm getting nervous because my temperature dipped pretty low this morning, but my temps have been all messed up because I've been taking it at various times. I've been getting up really early or late, etc. I'm hoping the temp dip doesn't mean anything and it's back up tomorrow. I got an OPK that was nearly +. If you looked closely, the far left of the test was as dark as the control, and I know some tests say to go by the darkest part. I've never gotten a technical positive, but it's SO freaking close and my temps have always shown ovulation, so I consider then +. The temp is the real test, so I trust it. I'm excited, and Andy keeps talking about the baby. He is so positive about it, and I'm feeling positive too, but not expecting anything.

I did see the nephrologist and he said if he was kidney-centric and didn't care about my life he'd tell me never to have kids, and that if he were working on a second he'd argue with me. He says he understands, though, and he says now is the best time. He's very supportive and wants to help so he's monitoring me and giving me some time, but he says I need to get pregnant ASAP, so we're giving it 2 cycles and then going to the RE to start IVF. I am so hopeful this cycle because I don't want to have to go to that and we only have 2 natural cycles because of my kidneys. I hope Andy's not to disappointed if the test ends up negative. This is the first 2ww where there's an honest chance I could be pregnant and I'm analyzing everything. It's driving me nuts and I want to be hopeful but I'm so scared of being let down it's hard to be. I've been praying and I will continue to. I hope this is it. We've been dealing with the struggles of IF and my kidneys for a while so it would be awesome to have some great news to share with the family who is having trouble dealing with some of it. We'll see. Hopefully I get crosshairs tomorrow!!!