Sunday, July 31, 2011

We Need a House, and...

I found it! I found the house I want to buy right this second. It's a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath single family home with a 1 car garage and a gorgeous yard in a great neighborhood. It has a finished basement with a mini-kitchen, a full bathroom, and a laundry room with storage. The main bathroom is really nice and is a gorgeous color. The only thing I'd want to do is make the dining room and kitchen hardwood which my dad could help me with really easily. It's a little bit more than we wanted to pay, but well under what I think we're qualified for, so I think we could make it work. Especially if I get a promotion which I'm eligible for in October. I love that it has a formal living room and a family room, and a great backyard for the kids. Oh! And it has a fantastic deck. And I would love to have a garage! I sent something to our real estate agent so I'm hoping to hear from her about a showing. I need to get pre-qualified, however, and find out exactly what price range we should be looking in.

I'm already decorating the nursery in my head, which I know isn't a great idea since we haven't even looked at the house and it will likely come off the market soon. But it would still be amazing. I would love to have room for a guest room and a nursery and Andy liked it, too.

As far as the pregnancy is concerned, well.. it's interesting! I haven't been feeling as sick this weekend, but I've been sleeping in pretty well. I'm still queasy in the mornings, but I haven't had a day like last Monday. I'm also having trouble getting comfortable already. My uterus feels strange. It doesn't "hurt" but it feels heavy, and it's already getting uncomfortable to sleep in certain positions, so I'm going to get a good pregnancy pillow soon. I'm still nervous about the baby's heartbeat, and every time I don't feel as sick I get upset thinking something is wrong. It's like I  get excited when I dry heave these days. Which still happens every day. I'm just counting the days until my next ultrasound. I want to see my little one and know it's OK!

In other interesting news, one of my best friends found out yesterday that she's pregnant! They'd been trying for about 14 months, and were about to start pursuing testing and treatment. She's 3.5 weeks behind me so our due dates are 5 weeks apart! It's crazy! But super exciting that we'll be going through the same things at right around the same time!

I'm still holding off on buying things but I think after the next ultrasound I'm going to need some maternity pants and that pillow. I already have an odd shape where my waist is bigger than my hips, so my pants fall down a lot, and some of my old pants are already uncomfortable. I know 9 weeks is early for maternity pants, but I'd really like to have comfortable pants, even if it is just bloat (which I hope because I swear I'm not eating as much as I did!!!).  I can't believe how fast things are going... that I'll be 8 weeks on Thursday. I just hope and pray everything is going well in there. I definitely feel like my uterus is growing. I felt a lot of stretching by my ovaries yesterday, so I think everything is rearranging, which is neat. It's definitely a weird pressure feeling in my ute though. I guess that means baby is getting bigger! I hope so anyway. I'm incredibly thankful to be going through this experience. I'm so excited!

Friday, July 29, 2011

More Worries

Despite the new parts my baby has as of yesterday, I'm nervous. I wish that little heartbeat could have been just 3 beats higher. I read a study that from 6.3-7 weeks, a heartbeat of 110-119 was "borderline" and has a higher chance of miscarriage. It's weird because I read in plenty of places that 110+ is OK for right now, or that the heartbeat should go from 103-126 during this week. At the "normal" rate my baby would've been at 123 by the end of the week which is almost exactly on track. But I'm scared. I love this little thing so much. I called my nurse yesterday and told her what I'd read and that I was so scared because I wanted things to work out so badly. She told me to be careful what I read, and said that the ultrasound was perfect. She said the baby is measuring exactly on track and there's no reason to worry. I appreciate hearing that, but I want an ultrasound NOW, not the Tuesday after next. I want to know that its little heart is beating faster now as it should be.

Despite the doctor and nurse telling me everything was fine, I just can't shake the worry. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next week and a half. Lots of prayer I suppose.

If you're listening, little one, we love you so, SO much. Please stay strong and healthy. We know you can do it. You're such a strong baby and we know you can keep growing for us. We love you so much.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

New Body Parts!

Today has been a mostly nausea-free day! I'm amazed. I think the keys for me are getting a lot of sleep and not moving around too much. The closest I came to vomiting today was when I bent down to pet my cat. OK that was actually REALLY close, but I haven't felt too terrible since. Of course in my head this means something is wrong, but I'm trying to ignore the asshole voice. I've somehow managed to gain 7 pounds. I don't understand this because even my husband will tell you I've been eating less. Perhaps it's because I've been drinking a lot of drinks with calories to get my nutrition in and because they help most with morning sickness? Maybe it's just water since I ate chinese food yesterday. Either way, my pants are uncomfortable and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be buying maternity pants after my next ultrasound.

In other news, my baby has kidneys! And it's the size of a blueberry. I can't believe I'm 7 weeks now. I'm just hoping and praying things continue to go well and this baby keeps growing  and being the little love of my life. Every day that goes by I thank God for this miracle. And every day it feels like more of a miracle when I read about all the amazing things my baby is doing in there. It's developing hands and feet now, and there's a chance we could see movement at the next ultrasound!

We're starting a "things to do before the baby comes" spreadsheet now that things are feeling a little more real. 5 or 6 more weeks and I'll start to feel like I can buy some things and really plan. For now I'm taking each day as it comes and being thankful for it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

First Ultrasound

My first ultrasound was today! Thankfully I have been feeling relatively good. Chicky looked great and was measuring 6 weeks 5 days, which is how far along I am today. Heartbeat was 117.

The big black thing is my ute. The circular thing smack in the middle is the yolk sac, and the baby is the little blob next to that. AHHHHHHH.

Monday, July 25, 2011

So. Sick.

I'm 6 weeks 4 days today and my ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm SO nervous. I just love this kid so much. And I'm encouraged by the fact that my morning sickness took a turn for the even worse today. I find that I get more nausea when I get up earlier. I spent a lot of this morning dry heaving and trying not to throw up. But eventually I gave in. I just couldn't take it anymore, and my first real pregnancy vomit came around 6:10. It was horrendous. There was so little in my stomach but my body was just not happy, and by the end I was spitting up blood.

Now this is not to say I'm ungrateful. I would do this each and every day do keep this baby growing. Every bout of morning sickness is a reminder that I have a beautiful little baby growing and developing inside me and it's such a miracle.

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but morning sickness is the pits. It really is just sitting here all day feeling nauseated, unable to concentrate, waiting to vomit or dry heave or.. something. So I'm going to ask for Zofran tomorrow. My coworker told me to try orange juice, so I'm about to go downstairs and get some.

My husband's car is still in the shop so I'm stuck at work from 7:00 - 5:30 tonight which is not something I'm excited about. And Andy feels awful 'cause he knows I'm sick. I'm SO glad I took the day off tomorrow for my appointments. I need it and I plan to rest for every part of the day I'm not at the doctor.

People at work have picked up on me being pregnant because I'm carrying around Ginger ale like it's life support. I just can't help it. I need it.

So that's my update. I want to stay in bed and watch tv all day. But again... as much as nausea sucks, I will take it time and time again. I've never welcomed something that feels so bad with such open arms. I love this baby so much and I'm just praying for a good ultrasound tomorrow.

Update: A note for all of you lovely ladies who will hopefully be soon feeling the nausea with me. OJ is good. I drank OJ and a real coke (haven't had a drop of caffeine in a month) and my stomach finally settled down after 4 hours. I was able to eat someting at 1:00. Still queasy, but I can at least concentrate. Thank you OJ!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

That Did Not Just Happen!

So I'm standing outside of a meeting room at work talking with co-workers. One of them is the one co-worker who is also a friend, and she knows I'm pregnant. The ONLY person I've told here. A former boss walks up, rubs my belly, and says "are you!?". Are you kidding me!? Thoughts that run through my head:

1) Did someone tell? No. There's no way.
2) WTF do I say?
3) I guess I shouldn't wear this shirt anymore.
4) Is she freaking psychic?

So I stood there with wide eyes and stared at her, stuttering before saying "SHHHH!! Yes, but only 6 weeks so PLEASE don't tell." What else could I say? It was obvious she'd caught me by the deer in headlights look. It turns out she did  the same thing to co-worker when she was about 13 weeks and didn't look pregnant at all.

The thing is, I look the same. This has never happened to me before. So is she psychcic or am I in denial!?

My first belly rub at 6 weeks? OMG. I'm mortified. And at this rate I'm going to have to come out earlier than I wanted. Am I bloated?? My pants still fit. What is going on here?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

6 More Days

Other than falling asleep before 10 every night and the waves of nausea, I'm feeling pretty good! Chicky is almost 6 weeks old now, and although it seems like it's going so slowly right now, I know in a few months I'll look back and think it flew. Right now I wake up each day thankful that I am one day closer to having my sweet little one in my arms. It still feels like Tuesday is an eternity away, and part of me wants to smack myself every time I think about the fact that I could have been seeing my baby in two days! But it's important that Andy gets to see the first ultrasound and I know we've made the right choice. I continue to hope and pray each night that chicky is growing strong and that everything looks good next week. It can't get here soon enough.

Tomorrow chicky will be the size of a pea. I read on babycenter that sometime this next week it will start moving its legs! I tear up at the thought of my little baby moving its little legs in there. I just can't believe what a miracle it is to have a person frowing inside of me. I can't wait to see it jumping around, and to see its beautiful face in March.

I don't have anything else to report, but I'm happy and excited, and praying for a good ultrasound.

Monday, July 18, 2011

A Letter to My Furbaby

To My Dear, Sweet Columbus,

I love you very much, but I also like sleep. I have started getting heartburn every night when I lay down. Between having to pee 4-5 times a night, feeling like I'm going to vomit once or twice, and just plain waking up, I'm not getting a lot of sleep. Your 4am love tirade is not helping matters. I want to snuggle you. I promise. But not at 4am. And if I push you off of me, there's a reason for it. I don't like getting out the squirt bottle - especially when I have to go downstairs to get it and can't get back to sleep right away. But your middle of the night obsession is just too much for me to handle. I love you, sweet one. But please... PLEASE... let me sleep.



Sunday, July 17, 2011


Welcome to morning sickness!

I woke up in the middle of the night - 4am - sweating and feeling like I was about to turn our bed into a vomit-filled nightmare for Andy. I got up and ran to the bathroom where I sat for about 10 minutes until it finally subsided and I was able to get back to sleep. It happened again a bit later, but not as severe, and I was able to get back to sleep in a few minutes. And then once more when I woke up for the day, but it only lasted a moment. I called my mom to find out if she'd gotten sick since we'd eaten the same pizza for dinner, and her response was "Welcome to morning sickness".

But there's good news (coming after this next sentence that certainly is NOT good news). My ankles have been swollen. You know that phrase "cankles"? So like.. you can't tell the difference between calf and ankle? Well.. my ankles were bigger than where my foot meets my leg! Ugh. The swelling has gone down dramatically though. This isn't a pregnant thing. It's a "my kidneys hate me" thing, and it happens for a few days every few months. Especially when I eat 18 inches of cheese steak in a few days. I couldn't help it... I wish I'd never learned how delicious Subway cheesesteaks are!!!!

I'm still trying to find ways to get through the next 9 days before my ultrasound. I wish I could've kept the Friday appointment. I can't wait to see chicky on the big screen!! So far I feel pretty good though, and I haven't had any more blood (thank you God!) but I keep checking every time I pee. I feel like time is going incredibly slowly and I want it to be 8 months from now and chicky to be here in my arms and healthy. I just want to see that beautiful heartbeat and those little limb buds. On thursday chicky will be the size of a pea! It's growing so fast.

I still can't believe I'm here. It's so weird to not feel anything. I mean I have symptoms, but it's weird to know someone is growing in my uterus and I can't feel him or her there. I can't wait until I can. I'm so in love.


Just about forever ago, Mrs. E gave me the Overlord Award, and I'm finally going to do it! The premise of the award being that I get to make up 3 awesome, magical rules of life. How cool is that? So here we go! Rules to live by by Wordslikeswords.

Rule 1. Bad things don't happen to good people. They just don't. The world is completely karmically sound. Do good things and receive positivity in return. 

Rule 2. Animals can't be harmed by people that are just jerks. There won't be an animal abuse because it's not possible to abuse an animal. And those animals get to retaliate.

Rule 3. Cheese is good for you. You're encouraged to eat as much of it as possible because it promotes health and well-being!!!!

And now I have to award 7 of my friends so they can make up magical rules of their own!!!! Dear following friends, please accept the overlord award!!


Friday, July 15, 2011

Mindless Rambling

It's Friday!! Yay!

Sci-Fi is doing a disaster movie marathon tomorrow for some stupid reason, so I have made alternate plans (isn't Sci-Fi supposed to be aliens and weird scientific experiments gone wrong resulting in AWESOME marine creatures?!). My mom's having a yard sale, and I've been complaining for about 40 years about having too much "stuff" so tonight I'm going through all my crap and I'm going to try to get rid of some of it. If we make some money we'll stick it into our savings account, which now reads "$50". I suppose it's to be expected after 2 rounds of IVF, but dammit, I want more in there (and if we ever get charged for freezing, I'll know how much I can put in there from checking). We're also going to the Goodwill so I can drop some things off and look for anything I might be able to use for the baby.

I can't tell you how ready I am to buy a new house and set up a nursery. Our guest room is currently filled with a ton of crap that needs to have its own place. I think we'll burst out of doors and windows if we don't buy something before it's nursery time. As it stands, I want to start buying a few things and I don't have anywhere to put any of it. I'm wondering how much I'm actually going to end up clearing out tonight, 'cause knowing me it won't be much. But a girl can try, right?

Tonight Andy and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory and I'm so excited to get to have dinner with him. I'm using an hour of leave, and he was not happy about it, but I told myself I'm not going to use my accrued leave, but I'll use comp time for time I need off, and this is comp, so... there. i'll be earning a bit more in August and September, but they've cut our comp time down so much.

So let's see...  updates. I still haven't had more spotting, which I'm so thankful for. I'm mildly crampy, and apparently the baby is the size of an appleseed, so it's big enough to see with the naked eye now. I have an ultrasound coming up, but I think I'm going to have to push it back to the week after next. I'm not excited about waiting a week and a half for my next baby status update but by then it should definitely be enough time to see the heartbeat. I'll be 6 weeks 5 days.  Plus Andy will get to come and he deserves the chance to see the baby too! I'm starting to really think it's a boy, and I'm happy my due date is march, so that by the time it's not in sleepers 24/7, it'll be warm enough for cute little rompers which I love!

So the upcoming agenda for me is packed full of.. well, stuff. This weekend is pretty tame. Next weekend I'm going to Philly and have a bridal shower. then the ultrasound. Then I'm going to a famiy fish fry in Virginia. Then we have people coming down from out of town. September's even crazier and Andy has something EVERY weekend since his best friend's getting married. We've got so much to do. But at least I'll get a lot of Fallout time in while he's gone. And we should probably start looking at houses, too.

It's going to be Christmas before I know it. Holy. Crap.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

PS: This is Weird

If you were to scroll back a long way in my journal, you'd see that my mom and I both, independently of each other, said when I started this fertility journey that I would be pregnant in July.

I was not pregnant in July. Interestingly enough, I found out I was pregnant with this baby on July 9th. One year later, but still July. It's so cool.

Thank God!

*GASP* I put up a ticker!! Me. /I/ get to have a ticker!!! Something about this is still not quite sunk in. I knew I'd be excited but  it's just amazing. I can finally stop worrying quite so much because beta #2 came in at 2313! That's a doubling time of 35.65 hours. Chicky is growing like a little weed in there and I've got the nausea to show for it! But I LOVE it. Yes, I said it. I love nausea. I may regret this later, but every little wave of nausea reminds me that I have a BABY growing in me!!

AND I have an ultrasound next week! It's supposed to be Friday but I might have to change it because Andy won't be able to come that day. She wanted to schedule it for Monday the 25th, and I asked for Tuesday since he's off, and she suggested a different day that I thought was another Tuesday so I took it and it turned out to be Friday. So we're going to discuss tonight what to do. I'd really like him to be there so if he can't go in to work a little late then we'll have to re-schedule. But right now the idea of seeing chicky in a week is AWESOME.

My cramps were gone for a few days. I've had the teeniest little bit of cramping today, but I know it can be very normal for 5 weeks. Especially after IVF and my gigantic ovaries, and hormones shifting things around in there. My beta was very reassuring so I'm trying not to overanalyze. I just can't wait to see my little one on the screen! AHHH! We should be able to see a heartbeat by then in theory. Well.. maybe not on Friday 'cause I'll be 6weeks 1day but maybe. We'll see.

I am so incredibly in love with this baby. I know I keep saying it but it's just amazing and truly an absolute miracle and I thank the Lord above for blessing me with this tiny, precious baby.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


I had a little bit more dark brown and dark pink spotting last night when I went home, but I took a nap and when I woke up it was gone, and I haven't had any since. I haven't been cramping since the day before yesterday except an occasional mild one. But I've put myself on modified bed rest anyway. I've talked to a lot of girls who went through fertility treatments that had spotting and everything was fine, and it seems to be common with vaginal progesterone (which my nurse told me as well). So I'm feeling better, but still nervous.

If I had to guess based on how I'm feeling I'd say my HCG is still rising. This morning I was sleeping and my boobs hurt SO BAD. And then I was on the escalator at work and I smelled booze & cigarettes and I almost puked on the escalator. Which isn't something I've had much of up until now. So I'm still hoping chicky is just fine. But I think it's better to be cautious, so I've cancelled my plans for tonight and I'm retiring to the couch.

My parents and Andy have been really frustrated with me and keep saying I'm being negative. I don't think I'm being negative though. I truly believe the endometrin caused the spotting, but I can't help but want to know for sure that Chicky is OK! So hopefully we'll get good news tomorrow and I can rest a little easier.

I love this baby. I love every moment of "I can't put my seatbelt on because my nipples hurt too much" and "I might vomit on you if you come any closer". I want to experience it for a long time! This baby is already the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I need to relax for its sake. It doesn't need to feel mommy worrying 24/7. So I'm going to chill out. But it's still hard!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Stress!!! And Then Not Stress (As Much)

Well it's been an interesting, gut-wrenching day today. I was already nervous about my beta, which I had drawn at 7:15 this morning. I then went to work and put in my endometrin. This is about to get TMI.

So I pulled out the applicator and there was nothing on it, like usual. But then when I wiped I thought I saw pink. I wasn't sure, so I went back a few minutes later and there it was. Pink CM. And it happened the next time too. There's not much of it at all, but it's still a scary feeling, so I called pretty much everyone. My mom told me to call my OB, so I did. They said to call them if it gets worse. So I called my nurse. She said it's common, and can be from the endometrin.

I calmed down a bit when I realized that (again, TMI) there was a ton of CM when I first wiped with no pink, and there was none on the applicator. So if there was none on something that goes right up there, then there was some on the TP, the logical deduction is that it was from the endometrin. I'm hoping. And for now it's gone.

And then I had the nurse call Andy with the beta. I wanted to get it second hand if it was bad. It wasn't bad. As a matter of fact, it was really, really good. Beta #1 = 892!!!!! She told Andy she'd wanted to see over 100, and 892 was a "fabulous" number. So apparently this baby is trying its best to stick around. I prayed and thanked God for this number. My dad (who was a microbiologist until retirement) said it's very unlikely to be a chemical with a number like that. Of course we want to see it double on Thursday, but for now I'm very happy with the first number and I hope it means chicky is trying to stay around for the long haul.

I'm down to twice a day on the endometrin which is awesome 'cause that stuff is... well.. not pleasant (though I'll do anything to keep my baby safe!). I just got a voicemail, too, from my nurse that says she understands that we're nervous, but as of today everything looks "Excellent". So YAY for chicky!!! WE LOVE YOU LITTLE ONE!!!!

Monday, July 11, 2011


As predicted, I'm completely immersed in worry and doubt. I suppose it's sort of to be expected when one finds themselves knocked up after trying for a while. I terrify myself a little by looking at signatures on thebump. So many people have had chemical pregnancies and miscarriages and I wish I could be one of those women out there that is naive and doesn't realize these things exist. In my quest for reassurance I've talked with both my parents and Andy, as well as a co-worker, and have heard multiple iterations of "trust your baby!". And I think that, really, that's what I need to do.

I'm here, finally. So far it's real, and I hope and pray that my little one is growing and doing well. I hope my beta numbers are high. And I'm finding it difficult to just let go and enjoy this. And so I've decided it's time to really put my faith in God to the test. I have to trust that he will keep me and the baby well, and that everything will be OK. I know that things can happen, and I just pray that this is our take home baby. I'm just so in love with this little one already. I keep having all these crampy feelings of stretching and I suppose my body starting to make room in there. It's really neat. I'm a little nervous (ok a LOT nervous) but I'm done, again, trying to have control. I trust my baby. I trust God. And things will happen how they will happen. Hopefully it will be me delivering a gorgeous baby in 8 months. But I refuse to spend 8 months torturing myself. So for now, as far as I know, everything is fine. And I am hopeful and trusting that it will stay that way.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Things I Didn't Know When I Woke Up Yesterday

According to my ER date, I'm currently 4weeks and 3 days pregnant. It's weird to say that, and Andy and I decided this morning that it definitely hasn't set in. I'm really excited, but I'm nervous for my betas and ultrasound. I'm comforted by how quickly my test turned positive, and how clear the line is, but I'll feel better after Tuesday. I wish I could move up the beta, but I don't know that they'll do it, so I should probably just wait. Everyone kept telling me that I'd go from one thing to worry about to another, and I knew it would be true. It's me after all, and worrying is what I do best.

We told our families yesterday. They knew about us doing IVF so we couldn't just.. not say anything. My mom cried. Andy's mom cried and hung up on us lol. She said she was speechless and had to call us back. It was so cute. Then we went to dinner with my family and told my brother and SIL since they also knew about the IVF. We're trying not to tell anyone else until after the ultrasound, and then only our very closest friends. I will be telling my best friend since birth since the first beta is on her birthday.

It is funny just how quickly things change, though. When we went to Walmart last night I was standing there looking at formula, pacifiers, toys, diapers, bottles... all sorts of things, and I realized we need so much stuff! I absolutely cannot wait to start buying things. I think after we see the heartbeat I'll purchase a few things.

What's getting me right now is that there is a human being growing in my body. An actual person! And I can't feel any of it lol. I get a little crampy here and there.. just like "something" is going on. But you'd think you'd feel more of growing a person.

Time is currently moving as slowly as time can possibly move. I want to know that chicky is implanted well and in the right spot and growing as it should. We have tons of faith in chicky, but it helps to have actual evidence. I hope and pray chicky is with us for the long haul. We love you little one!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Some Things You Just Know

So it's official. Now I DO know what it feels like for me to be pregnant!!!!! I tested tonight and saw two very clear lines! I took a digital just to confirm and because I really wanted to see the word "pregnant"! So without further adieu:

I had bigger photos but they didn't fit in the blog! It was easier to see how dark the line is though. I'm excited. I'm not taking any more tests because I'm already going "is my line dark enough?" "What if it's not dark enough?" "Are other people's darker?". I even compared on So.. no more. I need to not freak out about it. My beta isn't until tuesday and I hope it's high. The line actually showed up pretty much immediately. I dipped it, then went to say something to my husband and then right back to the bathroom and it was already positive. Within like 15 seconds. So we'll see! I'm excited but cautious. We did tell our parents and I told 1 friend, but we won't be telling anyone else until after we hear the heartbeat, and then only super close friends. We'll come out publicly at 13 weeks.

I went into the baby section of Walmart today and I couldn't believe I was looking at things for my own kid. I didn't but anything, but I could've! And.. wow is there a lot we need. It's one thing to look at baby clothes, but then you go through the rest of the aisles and you realize you need A LOT of stuff.

So anyway.. I am pregnant! And I am excited. And... Please pray for good betas!!!

Friday, July 8, 2011

SQUEEEEE (No, I Haven't Tested)

Well, after a huge (and really freaking stupid) argument with hubs last night, we decided we'll be testing tomorrow. We wanted to do it at a time when we'd both be free for a while to go through whatever emotions we needed to, whether they be sadness or elation, and when we could be there for each other. Andy's been working 50+ hour weeks, and I have to work Sunday, so we thought Saturday would be the best time.

I've figured out something funny about pregnancy this IVF cycle. And that is.. there's absolutely no point in analyzing symptoms!

I've had people say they felt nothing at all. Some say they felt AF was coming. Some felt random new things. There's just no way to tell what pregnancy will be like for me. I still have this.. inherent fear that I'll never see two lines, but thats the only thing keeping me from being pumped for the test. I have no reason to think it WON'T be positive except that I'm scared. Or that I'm too overweight. But otherwise nothing.

And for the record, I'm going to list my symptoms:

- Sore boobs. This happens to me every month. But I have them now, too.
- Lack of any real cramps. I get stuff occasionally but nothing that makes me feel like AF is here (yes, progesterone keeps AF away, but last time I still felt like she was coming for an entire week because I normally get it on day 11 or 13, and I was on progesterone until day 17 and my body was like "DO NOT WANT LINING!"
- Serious intestinal difficulties. Enough said.
- Headaches
- Burning ears
- Vivid/bad/crazy dreams
- No food sounds good
- Pain/Pulling in my ute at night

So there you have it. The comprehensive list. So that way I have it and I can go back and look if I have to do another cycle. And I can say "Dammit, I had one cycle with cramps, one without.. I guess it doesn't really mean anything". Or "Last time I was pregnant I felt....."

So we'll see. Testing when hubs gets home from work. It'll be in the evening, but at 10dp6dt (16dpo) it shouldn't matter. At this point I am nervous, but.. there's no way to know. There's nothing to say it didn't work. And... I sorta feel like it did. But we'll see.

Tonight I'm going to dinner at a new restaurant with my friend and my mom. That should keep me occupied a while (as a note, I just looked at their menu and it made me feel sick but it's totally not their fault). Thank you friend and mom! YAY!

So now I'm off to try to find food that doesn't make my stomach unhappy. But not before a 3rd bathroom trip today. I've only been up 4 hours :(

Update: Mission to find non-stomach-upset foods failed. I just sent A this text: "I just had a moment of 'if I chew this grilled cheese one more time I am going to vomit all over the place'". For the record, I stopped chewing for a few seconds, swallowed, drank sprite, sat around, and then was able to finish it. I can't let a grilled cheese go to waste.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I think that IVF is a process that really lets you get to know you. I don't think I've done anything else in my life that has really given me quite such a peek into who I really am. Sometimes I'm scared by what I see, and sometimes I'm truly amazed.

I never thought of myself as a control freak. I guess it sort of comes naturally to those with OCD, but I've always had an "it will work out" attitude about most things. But lately I've been realizing I just want complete control over every single aspect of this IVF. I want to know each detail and I want to be able to affect the outcome, and that's something I simply cannot have.

I've decided to wait until Sunday to test after all. I need to exercise some patience, and I need to let go. People say to me all the time "Well you can't change it now so you don't need to worry" or various varients thereof. And I've always said "I know" or "you're right" reflexively, but... do I know? I don't think I did. I think I just let it pass in one ear and out the other. "How could they know?" I'd ask myself, "they haven't been through this!". But whether they have or not, the principle holds true. I can't control everything. The only things I really have control over are the decisions that I make and the way I handle situations. We've chosen to move forward with IVF and venture into the unknown, and that's something I need to come to terms with.

Whatever the outcome of this cycle is, knowing today isn't going to change it. It's not going to hurt less, or make me happier.

I tend to be negative lately. I assume the worst, and think there's no way this cycle worked just because. It might be a defense mechanism, but I hate it because it's not who I am. It's not who I have ever been or wanted to be. I have been through a lot, and it's changed me in ways I'm not always proud of, and I want to see the old me shining through. I want to feel positive. To know that I won't know if what I'm feeling is a symptom or not until I have a test done. To stop assuming everything means something bad. To know that I simply don't know what it feels like to be pregnant, and for me it could feel like anything (maybe I'll cramp, maybe I won't. Maybe I won't get sick, maybe I will. I don't know!). So that I can stop worrying.. and stop trying to take control.

So I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. A leaf of letting go. A leaf of letting things happen and not assuming the worst. I've realized through my medical mis-adventures that I can be incredibly strong. And I'll continue to be. And I have to know that things will work out. Things will be OK somehow. Andy and I will figure out what to do. We always do. And until we know what's happening, I have other things to do.

I feel that if we're given a trying situation, the only thing we can do is try to take something from it. So that's what I'm doing with this. I will get through this and be better for it. Hopefully I'll have my little chicky to enjoy the positives with me. But Andy and I WILL get through this and things will be OK. So I'm OK. And that's good.

Dear Endometrin,

I hate you. I'm tired of feeling like I've peed myself all the time. You are messing with my hormones and making things very difficult for me. If you are keeping my baby safe in there, then I'm sure we can reach an accord. But please stop making me feel like I'm peeing. I'd almost rather take PIO, and that has to tell you something.


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Getting It All Out

Emotional as ever, I have some things I really need to get out. I'm tired of pouring out negativity upon my family and especially my husband, so I'm going to post how I'm feeling here.

I am currently terrified. I don't know if it's possible to understand without going through an IVF cycle how attached you can get to your embryos. I know that I felt very different before and after I saw them. When I saw the picture of the one we put in this time up on the screen, hatching from its little shell, I fell instantly in love. This was my baby, and I was its mommy. It was beautiful, strong, and such a little fighter. How could I not love those qualities? And I know. I KNOW that this little one is in my body looking for a place to call home. With that said, an IVF failure feels like a loss. It feels like a loss because it is a loss. You have these gorgeous little creatures that are growing and living and fighting to survive, made up of your and your partner's DNA. And you hope above hope that it stays with you. And when it doesn't, it feels like your little one has died. Because it has. I've poured so much faith and hope and love into this little embryo that we put in. I love it so much, and the thought that it could possibly have not attached makes me want to throw up. I am so in love with our little baby, and I don't know how I would go on if something happened to it. I know I'd have to. I know I got through it the last time. But I don't WANT to get through it. I want this baby. I want to hold it in my arms in 8 months and tell it, finally, how much I really love it. How everything we've been through was worth it. And I feel SO STUPID for taking my temperature and losing some hope. I was so positive and I would do almost anything to keep this baby with us. I don't want to lose another one. I just don't. That's not to say I don't have any hope. I'm just scared because I'm so in love.

IF this weren't to work, we'd take 3 months off for me to lose some weight, and to save some money. We simply can't afford another cycle out of pocket. It's $4000 for a FET at my clinic and we paid $3500 for this cycle. We have coverage for fresh but not frozen. I don't want to spend $4000 more right now. I don't want to wait 3 more months to have another chance at a baby. I want this to work this time. I want to be able to spend my money on buying a house or taking a trip with Andy. Not doing something that billions of women do for free. I'd pay any amount to have a healthy baby. But I don't want to. I want the one I've got in right now. And 3 months off would drive me insane.

And I'm scared that my kidneys are going south. Andy and I made a very conscious decision to say "Screw it" and not worry about them for a year. But at some point we're going to have to revisit the problem. At some point, it won't be safe to keep going. I'm enjoying ignoring it. Enjoying pretending like I don't have a kidney problem. I still wish I'd never found out about it and wouldn't even give a second thought to having a "time limit" on trying. But we DO have a limit, and I know we do, and I hate it. I don't want to ever give up. I'm only 30... and I want to keep trying and trying and trying. But in a year, we're going to have to look at my kidneys again. And I don't know what we're going to find. At any point my RE could stop treatments if she thinks it's unsafe. And I can't handle that. I want my kidneys to heal, but nothing has worked. This pregnancy needs to happen soon for my health and safety. 3 months off is not conducive to that. But it has to be done. And I don't want it. I'm scared of kidney failure for the idea of not having a child more than anything else!

So there you have it. I'm a whiny baby and I don't want to wait 3 months or spend more money, and I don't want to lose a beautiful embryo that I already consider my baby. Woe is me.

BUT.. there are some positives *gasp*!

First and foremost, my support system is amazing. I called my mom, my dad, and my husband today about this rogue asshole temperature, and they all provided an ear and all the kind words they could find. As well as all the positivity a girl could ask for. I got this statement from my husband regarding the temperature:

I take thermometer away. Stop doing. You are pregnant.

Yes, he talks like a cave man in text. But look how confident he is! And what's funny is I would be too if I hadn't done a stupid thing this morning! My dad is certain this worked, and my mom thinks so too. And I'm so grateful to have them all to talk to.

I'm also glad that we've gotten this far with very little debt. We owe about $3000 right now, which I'm paying off much of each month. We'd pay for a FET mostly OOP, so we wouldn't have much debt from that. Maybe a little. 3 cycles and $3000 in debt is nothing to sneeze at. I am incredibly thankful for this.

I'm glad for my embryos. I'm amazed that out of our 8 total embryos, 2 have been implanted and 3 are frozen. That's a great number! We may not make a ton of embryos, but just the option to do a FET is something a lot of women don't get. And yes, it may still cost a ton of money, but it doesn't require as much time off work or all the injections and monitoring and surgery of a fresh cycle. So I'm glad we have that option as much as I hope we don't need it any time soon. I'm thankful for my little one who I hope can feel the abundance of love.

And I'm thankful to God for giving us all of these opportunities. I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason". I believe God guides us, and points us in certain directions, but it's up to us to make our own choices. I think that we're following His path, so we're going to receive the outcome He wants for us. I hope that outcome is the same one that I want for me. Becuase, if Im being honest, I'm tortured by OCD and I think that and my kidney disease are enough impairments for 1 person right now. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows?

So the bottom line is that I'm terrified. I'm hopeful, thankful, and I don't want anything to happen to my baby. I'm so attached to it and I want it to live. It is how I feel.

I love you, chicky. Every time I say or see your name I want to burst into tears at the thought of you not sticking with us. So please be in there growing and thriving. We love you so, so much. And I believe in you. I always will.


I feel pretty much nothing, and it's starting to make me nervous. I have an occasional cramp, an occasional shooting pain in a boob, an occasional stomach turn, and an occasional mood swing.Most of this is par for the course. I'm scared. I also took my temp this morning, which I knew would be a bad idea since I'm on all sorts of hormonal medications. It was about 97.1. The last time I charted an entire month, my coverline was 96.4. So that's good. But.. it's the only day I charted this month so it tells me absolutely nothing, except "why isn't it higher?".

I am so scared that this cycle didn't work, and I just want to know. I wish Andy would let me take a test. I want to throw up I'm so upset. I've been so positive, but the further along I get with no symptoms the more scared I get. And why isn't my temp higher? I'm on freaking endometrin! I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I want this baby. THIS baby. I deserve for this to happen for us. I've been through too much. And now I'm whining. *sigh*. I want to kill IF in its face.

Update (because sometimes it takes a voice of reason): I called my dad, who is not only the best dad ever, but also a genius (serious, his IQ says so). he also happens to be a microbiologist. He told me that you just can't trust biology. Life does what it wants to do, and you can't judge by one little thing here and there. Especially 1 random temperature. And then I looked back at my last charting cycle which was in January. My highest temp was 97.2. Second highest 96.99. That was on a clearly ovulatory cycle. With a pretty much 10 day lp, I think if it were January and I was on day 13 looking at a 97.1 I'd be freaking excited. I have low temps. It just is. I'm also on estrogen, which is the hormone that LOWERS your bbt in the follicular phase. AND.. I read that endometrin goes straight to your ute and doesn't affect your temp. So with all that said.. I could be OK. I still don't feel anything except this damn headache, and my dad still says it worked. He said that last time, too, but he doesn't lie to me. He really thinks that. And he really thinks I can't count this cycle out because of 1 temp. ONE. I mean.. geez maybe my pre-O temps were in the 95s! (it's happened before). So the bottom line it.. I guess it's still possible. I'm still terrified, but I cant change it now. I want to know so I can plan. I don't want to wait until October to cycle again. I want this baby. So I guess we'll see.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

How I'm Feeling Part 2

I need a nap. I hate how tired I am all the time. Some days I feel like I could just sleep for a week and it wouldn't be enough. And let's face facts... it's probably because I'm overweight. When I was thin (I don't know how, but at 5'10, I was thin at 185) I was up all hours of the night and rarely tired. Of course I was also 20 years old, but the weight has to have something to do with it. I really need to start exercising again and eating better. I just shoved some little oranges down my throat. They taste really good, but I just didn't want them. I started feeling sick after two bites of my grilled cheese sandwich, too, but I got through it.

I've decided that when I find out the outcome of this IVF I'm going to make a real, solid plan.

If the cycle were to not have worked, I'll be embarking on a hardcore lifestyle change. I'm going to follow weight watchers and exercise a bunch. I would want to lose about 30 pounds before doing a FET, which I'd like to start in October for a late November transfer.

If the cycle did work, I'd like to look into what foods are best for pregnant women and what to avoid, and start adding in as many fruits and vegetables and whole grains as I can. I want to stop cooking out of a box as much as possible. And I'd like to go back to swimming 3-4 times a week.

As for symptom watch 2011... well... it's going. Last night I had a lot of pain and pulling and cramping near my left ovary and ute. It was not like AF cramps. I haven't had any of those except 1 on day 8. I do get some cramping, but I think it's because of my intestines. This is way TMI, but I've been havnig serious intestinal issues for about 3 days. So there's cramping, but it's not the kind where you run to the bathroom looking for AF. Which I'm pretty excited about 'cause on a normal cycle she would've been here yesterday. I have about a 10 day LP. So far there's not much to indicate the cycle didn't work, except a few pains that I also got last cycle. There' not much to indicate it did work except crazy emotions and intestinal fortitude problems. So I guess there's nothing to do but wait.

I want to POAS really badly. Can someone please call my husband and tell him to let me pee?

I Hate Everything Today

I'm pretty sure Andy's going to leave me. I'm out of control. I don't even want to be around me. My OCD has been nuts. And if I'm not so clingy he can't breathe I'm yelling at him or overanalyzing something or being mean. I don't know what to do. It's awful. I feel like absolute crap. I'm emotionally drained despite 3 days off. My intestines are all in a knot and (TMI) I've been in the bathroom every 5 minutes. If it's not one thing it's another and I feel like I've let him down. I feel like I'm a horrible wife. Like Andy doesn't get to be happy because I'm emotional. Like I always bring him down. It's so not fair.

I love my husband so much and I just can't stand that I'm the one making him feel crappy. That I'm stressing him out and making him tired. I don't know what I'd do without him and... it's just a mess. I hate this. I want to go home and go back to sleep so I don't upset him anymore.

Update: Hubs isn't leaving me! Lol. He just called to say he loves me. He says he's not holding it against me but he doesn't want to feed into it either. Which makes sense. Ugh this is such a roller coaster. I don't remember the endometrin making me crazy last time, but I don't know. It sucks this time, that's for sure. Thank goodness for patience. I'm out of whack.

Monday, July 4, 2011

How I've Been Feeling

OK I'm going to do my Overlord Award I swear. But today I just need to rant. Sort of.

Up to this point I've been pretty cramp-free. I had one at 2dp6dt, but that was it. Today I've been having awful pains. It feels, honestly, like stretching around my ovary and lower. It does not, in any way, feel like AF cramps. The two cycles before IVF I got AF on 11dpo. That would be today. I looked at my blog from last cycle, and at 11dpo I had the kind of cramps where you run to the bathroom expecting AF. Starting on day 14 I had sensations that feel similar to what I have today, but they hurt so much I had to call my nurse. I'm not sure what to make of it and I'm trying not to think too hard. But the part of me that overanalyzes everything says "Well, no AF cramps, and you have stretching feelings... that's different!".  I'm trying not to though!

I really want to POAS but Andy won't let me. It's frustrating because I keep thinking that this could really be it. Except for day 8, I've been extremely positive. I've had all sorts of symptoms starting a day or two ago. I've been even more emotional than usual, having crazy vivid dreams, and all sorts of stomach issues. Yesterday my head felt fuzzy and I slept for 15 hours. Not that any of this means anything, but it COULD.

The pain is actually pretty bad right now. I love that I haven't had AF cramps, but.. whatever this is it doesn't feel good. I'm hoping and praying it's good news. When I got it last time it started on day 14, and it was bad news. But this is only day 11! So maybe it's my ute preparing for the baby. I hope so. Gosh I want this baby so bad. It looks like such a perfect embryo and my lining was good and...  ahhhhhh I hate the 2ww. I'm going to be devastated if this doesn't work because I've been SO positive. My whole family is convinced that this worked. And there's no way to tell this early for sure. I ... I can't even explain in words how much I want this. There's SO MUCH going on in my body right now and I don't understand any of it. I want it to be because my body is preparing for a baby.

I need to stop talking. I'm crazy in love with this little one and so glad to not have AF cramps at this point in time. I could do without the gastro-intestinal issues. And I'd love it if my ovary didn't feel like it was stretching my insides apart so it could crawl out. But.. if it's for the baby I'll take it. Over and over.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Symptoms and Not Symptoms

So today has been an interesting day. I got really tired at 10:00 last night so I went to sleep. When I woke up it was 10am. Wow. And yet somehow I passed out in my recliner at 5 for a 2 hour nap. I am tired. I'd love to think this was a symptom, but... I just get tired. With that said, I don't feel anything. I just feel like I do every other day. No real cramps today, either. I did have a crazy vivid dream about being chosen to be a player/leader of an intergalactic game. My boobs hurt, but they always do around this time. So.. nothing to report!

Also, the lovely Mrs. E gave me the Overlord Award! Thanks Mrs. E!!! So I'll be posting about that shortly.

Friday, July 1, 2011

A Few Quick Notes

1. I can't post comments on blogs from work. I just had a long comment written out to the fabulous Mrs. E and it was all "NO!". So... I'll post it from home! And I've done this like 474 other times and forgotten. I have so much to say.

2. I want to go home RIGHT NOW.

3. Have you ever had people tell you they were positive about your cycle, and you knew they were just saying it because it's what you say to people? I don't feel that way at all. I feel like all the people who have told me they think this is it for me, from my nurse at the RE to my dad have honestly felt that. And it makes me so incredibly happy.


Otherwise known as 2 days past 6 day transfer, or 8dpo. For those who have not been inducted into the fabulous(ly sucky) world of infertility, that means it's just about time to freak the eff out. I feel like it's even crazier for me because I know for a solid fact that there is a fertilized embryo in my ute! Not only that, but a fertilized embryo that made it to blast and hatched out of its little shell. Chicky would be attaching sometime between day 6 (when it was put in) and day 10. OMG IT COULD BE TODAY! Is that what that twinge is? Do I feel nauseated?

Yes, I do. Is it baby related? No. Seriously. Chicky hasn't been attached long enough to produce enough HCG for me to feel sick already. Buuuuuuut it's fun to think. Except it's not, because I'm driving myself crazy. Although not nearly as much as last cycle. There's something comforting about knowing I have 3 beautiful babies in the freezer, and knowing that this one is growing up so fast! *sniff*. I keep getting little spurts of nervousness, but then I push them aside and force myself to not think about it. Honestly, I don't feel anything. I don't feel any different from any other day. And I'm going to just have to keep it together until test day comes. I think if it doesn't work, I'll be inconsolable for a while. It's hard not to be so incredibly hopeful when you know you have a baby in there. And it's hard not to get so attached when you know it's yours, and you see it growing and doing amazing things. Please, if you're the religious type, say some prayers for chicky and Andy and I. We're so incredibly in love.

I have just recently (within the last 5 minutes) decided that I'm starting the nesting phase of my life for real. I want everything in my house to be PERFECT so when my little one arrives it has this perfect little environment. I want to go through everything and get rid of old clothes, store our "Extra" stuff, and clean everything top to bottom. My house could probably use this anyway since it hasn't been scrubbed since we moved in. We clean it on the regular, but I mean a REAL cleaning. So I think I'm going to start that process tonight. Tomorrow Andy is working all day, so I have a date with Swamp Shark (Recorded from alst week on Scifi. YES).