Getting It All Out

Emotional as ever, I have some things I really need to get out. I'm tired of pouring out negativity upon my family and especially my husband, so I'm going to post how I'm feeling here.

I am currently terrified. I don't know if it's possible to understand without going through an IVF cycle how attached you can get to your embryos. I know that I felt very different before and after I saw them. When I saw the picture of the one we put in this time up on the screen, hatching from its little shell, I fell instantly in love. This was my baby, and I was its mommy. It was beautiful, strong, and such a little fighter. How could I not love those qualities? And I know. I KNOW that this little one is in my body looking for a place to call home. With that said, an IVF failure feels like a loss. It feels like a loss because it is a loss. You have these gorgeous little creatures that are growing and living and fighting to survive, made up of your and your partner's DNA. And you hope above hope that it stays with you. And when it doesn't, it feels like your little one has died. Because it has. I've poured so much faith and hope and love into this little embryo that we put in. I love it so much, and the thought that it could possibly have not attached makes me want to throw up. I am so in love with our little baby, and I don't know how I would go on if something happened to it. I know I'd have to. I know I got through it the last time. But I don't WANT to get through it. I want this baby. I want to hold it in my arms in 8 months and tell it, finally, how much I really love it. How everything we've been through was worth it. And I feel SO STUPID for taking my temperature and losing some hope. I was so positive and I would do almost anything to keep this baby with us. I don't want to lose another one. I just don't. That's not to say I don't have any hope. I'm just scared because I'm so in love.

IF this weren't to work, we'd take 3 months off for me to lose some weight, and to save some money. We simply can't afford another cycle out of pocket. It's $4000 for a FET at my clinic and we paid $3500 for this cycle. We have coverage for fresh but not frozen. I don't want to spend $4000 more right now. I don't want to wait 3 more months to have another chance at a baby. I want this to work this time. I want to be able to spend my money on buying a house or taking a trip with Andy. Not doing something that billions of women do for free. I'd pay any amount to have a healthy baby. But I don't want to. I want the one I've got in right now. And 3 months off would drive me insane.

And I'm scared that my kidneys are going south. Andy and I made a very conscious decision to say "Screw it" and not worry about them for a year. But at some point we're going to have to revisit the problem. At some point, it won't be safe to keep going. I'm enjoying ignoring it. Enjoying pretending like I don't have a kidney problem. I still wish I'd never found out about it and wouldn't even give a second thought to having a "time limit" on trying. But we DO have a limit, and I know we do, and I hate it. I don't want to ever give up. I'm only 30... and I want to keep trying and trying and trying. But in a year, we're going to have to look at my kidneys again. And I don't know what we're going to find. At any point my RE could stop treatments if she thinks it's unsafe. And I can't handle that. I want my kidneys to heal, but nothing has worked. This pregnancy needs to happen soon for my health and safety. 3 months off is not conducive to that. But it has to be done. And I don't want it. I'm scared of kidney failure for the idea of not having a child more than anything else!

So there you have it. I'm a whiny baby and I don't want to wait 3 months or spend more money, and I don't want to lose a beautiful embryo that I already consider my baby. Woe is me.

BUT.. there are some positives *gasp*!

First and foremost, my support system is amazing. I called my mom, my dad, and my husband today about this rogue asshole temperature, and they all provided an ear and all the kind words they could find. As well as all the positivity a girl could ask for. I got this statement from my husband regarding the temperature:

I take thermometer away. Stop doing. You are pregnant.

Yes, he talks like a cave man in text. But look how confident he is! And what's funny is I would be too if I hadn't done a stupid thing this morning! My dad is certain this worked, and my mom thinks so too. And I'm so grateful to have them all to talk to.

I'm also glad that we've gotten this far with very little debt. We owe about $3000 right now, which I'm paying off much of each month. We'd pay for a FET mostly OOP, so we wouldn't have much debt from that. Maybe a little. 3 cycles and $3000 in debt is nothing to sneeze at. I am incredibly thankful for this.

I'm glad for my embryos. I'm amazed that out of our 8 total embryos, 2 have been implanted and 3 are frozen. That's a great number! We may not make a ton of embryos, but just the option to do a FET is something a lot of women don't get. And yes, it may still cost a ton of money, but it doesn't require as much time off work or all the injections and monitoring and surgery of a fresh cycle. So I'm glad we have that option as much as I hope we don't need it any time soon. I'm thankful for my little one who I hope can feel the abundance of love.

And I'm thankful to God for giving us all of these opportunities. I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason". I believe God guides us, and points us in certain directions, but it's up to us to make our own choices. I think that we're following His path, so we're going to receive the outcome He wants for us. I hope that outcome is the same one that I want for me. Becuase, if Im being honest, I'm tortured by OCD and I think that and my kidney disease are enough impairments for 1 person right now. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows?

So the bottom line is that I'm terrified. I'm hopeful, thankful, and I don't want anything to happen to my baby. I'm so attached to it and I want it to live. It is how I feel.

I love you, chicky. Every time I say or see your name I want to burst into tears at the thought of you not sticking with us. So please be in there growing and thriving. We love you so, so much. And I believe in you. I always will.