Reflections

I think that IVF is a process that really lets you get to know you. I don't think I've done anything else in my life that has really given me quite such a peek into who I really am. Sometimes I'm scared by what I see, and sometimes I'm truly amazed.

I never thought of myself as a control freak. I guess it sort of comes naturally to those with OCD, but I've always had an "it will work out" attitude about most things. But lately I've been realizing I just want complete control over every single aspect of this IVF. I want to know each detail and I want to be able to affect the outcome, and that's something I simply cannot have.

I've decided to wait until Sunday to test after all. I need to exercise some patience, and I need to let go. People say to me all the time "Well you can't change it now so you don't need to worry" or various varients thereof. And I've always said "I know" or "you're right" reflexively, but... do I know? I don't think I did. I think I just let it pass in one ear and out the other. "How could they know?" I'd ask myself, "they haven't been through this!". But whether they have or not, the principle holds true. I can't control everything. The only things I really have control over are the decisions that I make and the way I handle situations. We've chosen to move forward with IVF and venture into the unknown, and that's something I need to come to terms with.

Whatever the outcome of this cycle is, knowing today isn't going to change it. It's not going to hurt less, or make me happier.

I tend to be negative lately. I assume the worst, and think there's no way this cycle worked just because. It might be a defense mechanism, but I hate it because it's not who I am. It's not who I have ever been or wanted to be. I have been through a lot, and it's changed me in ways I'm not always proud of, and I want to see the old me shining through. I want to feel positive. To know that I won't know if what I'm feeling is a symptom or not until I have a test done. To stop assuming everything means something bad. To know that I simply don't know what it feels like to be pregnant, and for me it could feel like anything (maybe I'll cramp, maybe I won't. Maybe I won't get sick, maybe I will. I don't know!). So that I can stop worrying.. and stop trying to take control.

So I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. A leaf of letting go. A leaf of letting things happen and not assuming the worst. I've realized through my medical mis-adventures that I can be incredibly strong. And I'll continue to be. And I have to know that things will work out. Things will be OK somehow. Andy and I will figure out what to do. We always do. And until we know what's happening, I have other things to do.

I feel that if we're given a trying situation, the only thing we can do is try to take something from it. So that's what I'm doing with this. I will get through this and be better for it. Hopefully I'll have my little chicky to enjoy the positives with me. But Andy and I WILL get through this and things will be OK. So I'm OK. And that's good.