An Official Nickname!

Our baby officially has a nickname! We'll call it "chicky". When I showed my family the picture, my brother said he thinks I'm having a chicken since it was "hatching" lol. He's ridiculous. And there you have it. Chicky! I spent some time last night showing hubs the different parts of our embryo, and which part would turn into the baby. His positivity is just amazing to me. He's such a good partner and I'm so glad for him. I know I say it all the time, but he really is the best person for me.

We got some extra good news today, too! Two of chicky's siblings were frozen! So we now have a total of 3! That's PERFECT. Exactly what I was hoping for! Assuming this cycle works, we have 3 chances at a sibling. And even if they all work, I'm OK with 4 kids!

It's strange to me that our fetilization rate is so low (a total of 14 mature eggs retrieved and 8 embryos) but we've gotten 3 frosties and put in 2 perfect embies. Shady Grove is very strict so I know they only freeze practically perfect embryos, and that's just awesome. I'm so incredibly grateful for our babies, and for the support I've had from my family and friends. And I'm thankful to you, readers, for being so supportive! It means the world to us.

Meet Our Little One!

Introducing baby S!

Isn't it just the cutest thing you've ever seen? The ball of cells towards the bottom is what will turn into the baby. This little beauty is now resting in my ute... hopefully make itself cozy. Transfer was uneventful, but I bled a little after. I saw a different picture of this embryo that was much clearer, and you could see the shell it was mostly hatched out of. I feel like it might have been all the way hatched by the time they put it in. 

He didn't give me a "5AA" grade or anything, but he said it's a grade 1, which is the highest grade they give. The embryologist said it was "beautiful". I'm happy because it's made it through so many stages of development by this point and has hatched, so all it has to do is implant and grow!

One of the 4 they were watching for freeze did slow down and stopped at an early blast. The other 2 are expanded blasts. I'm not sure if they're hatching like this one, but it looks like they might make it to freeze. I asked again if they were "slow" but it looks like not since they're supposed to hatch on day 6 or so and this one did. He also said their day 6 pregnancy rates are the same as day 5.

Needless to say we're extremely excited. We feel SO GOOD about this and I don't want to wait until July 12!!! for the beta.

Here are the AWESOME socks I was sent for transfer:

That's me on bed rest watching tv. Love my socks. Love my baby.

False Alarm

I'll have to apologize in advance for the length of this post. I have so much going on emotionally and I need to get it out.

I took some tylenol pm last night in the hopes of getting a relatively uninterrupted night's sleep. It worked for the most part. I woke up 3 times to pee, as per usual, but otherwise I was sound asleep all night. When my alarm went off at about 8:30 I reached over to shut it off, but quickly realized it was a phone call and I'd picked up. Once I gathered my wits about me and realized it was Shady Grove calling, my stomach dropped. I assume the worst - that all our embryos stopped growing. I couldn't think of any other reason they'd be calling me. She sounded chipper enough, though, and told me that our embryos were growing so well she couldn't tell which was the best, and they wanted to push me to a day 6 transfer. HUH?

My stomach dropped a little more. Yesterday was a horrible day here at work and changing my schedule was just going to make it worse. I spat out something about "Yeah we'll make it work" and went downstairs to talk to Andy. He was more uhappy than I was. I kept trying to think "Maybe this means they are all perfect blasts right now" but he was thinking "now I can't go with you!". Things were well covered for today because Tuesday is his day off.  Unfortunately one of his coworkers went into the hospital yesterday with what they think may be a heart attack, and he absolutely HAS to work tomorrow.

I hopped in the shower and got to work 45 minutes late. My boss is none too pleased about the change, but has approved my leave. I don't have any left, so I'm going to have to beg SG when they call to make my transfer early. I absolutely must be at work as close to 9:30 as possible on Thursday because I'm running a luncheon, and I have no leave, but I'm supposed to get 24 hours of bed rest. When they call, if I have an afternoon transfer, I'm going to have to beg them to switch it. Otherwise I won't get the 24 horus of strict bed rest they say I need. I'm praying for a 9:00 or 8:00 transfer so I can get up and just come right to work thursday. And again, I have no leave after tomorrow! I've only been here 2.5 years, and when I first started I took 7 or so days off for kidney treatments. I've had tons of doctors, an IVF cycle, and a honeymoon. I can't help it. I can't help that I'm infertile or that I have bad kidneys. It's not my fault and I HATE that I have to feel bad for needing this time off. It's messed up in so many ways. It's not hard enough that I need to do IVF to conceive?

So I'm feeling awful and like my boss hates me, and then I look up day 6 transfers and read that success rates are lower because a lot of time they're done because of slow growing blasts. Are mine slow!? They didn't say. So now I'm freaking out that my embies are slow and aren't at the typical stage of development for day 5. My nurse is out so I called the backup and she hasn't called back yet. I'd thought they were just all too perfect to differentiate... but what if they're just slow?

I am OVER this process emotionally. I don't like what it's doing to my stress level or my job. I know that if it works it will be worth it, but if it doesnt, I am absolutely taking 3 months off. It might be hard to be not doing anything, but I need to relax, and I need to stop having these sorts of situations to deal with.

I've been eating like my stomach is a bottomless pit, and I can see that I've ganied weight. It's just awful. My bank account is cleaned out, too. I just can't handle the stress. I need a vacation but I can't take one because I have no leave because I have kidney failure. It's just too much. And it's not one of those things where I want to break down and cry. I want to scream and yell and be angry.

I know I should be thankful that I have a job, a great husband, and the money to do a second IVF cycle. But... emotionally I'm a wreck and I don't think I can handle anything else. Life needs to calm down. Work needs to understand. And I'm just not sure how to handle all of this. I will... I know I will. But I don't know how. I want this to work out. I want to hold our sweet little baby in my arms. I want to pick out baby stuff for real... not because I'm wishing and hoping. This process is so hard. It's so draining. And there's no guarantee. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

OK. Now that I've gotten that out, I have work to do. I'm freaking out.

Embryo Transfer Tomorrow!

I haven't heard much from Shady Grove since Saturday. We found out yesterday that our transfer would be tomorrow for sure, but they didn't give us an update on how our embryos looked or how many were still growing. It's strange for me to be on day 4 of their growth outside of me. Last time we'd already put our little one back in. I called a few minutes ago to ask for an update so I'm hoping they'll call me soon. I just want a basic "they're all still growing and look good" or.. whatever the status may be. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a little piece of me that was worried we wouldn't have any good ones to transfer tomorrow. I think it's made just a little easier because I know we had a great quality blast last time. It's still hard to wait so long, though.

I'm so excited that tomorrow one of our beautiful little blasts will be transferred and I'll get to be its home for hopefully another 8.5 months. We love our babies so much already and I can't wait to see what this one looks like and how many we're going to freeze if any.

I also like that there are statistics from SGFC on their single blastocyst transfer. They don't have them for single 3 day embryo transfer, so there was a lot for me to guess about. I still feel really good about this cycle and I'm so hopeful. Just having a blast to transfer is a step in the right direction. Andy's really hopeful too.

I've been pretty upset about all the time off work. I had 3 days available, but my transfer is a little late, and I need 24 hours, so I have to take some time off on Wednesday, too, which means leave without pay. I don't think my boss is happy about it, but I can't help it. It's not my fault I have to go through all of this for something other people get on their own. It's not my fault I had to take 9 days off for kidney treatments. I have a lot of doctors. I know they try to be understanding and it gets overwhelming, but I'm not choosing any of this, and I just keep telling myself that my health and my family are the most important things. I just have to work harder when I'm here.

I'm hoping for good news in a few weeks, and I'm excited to get a call back with our embies' statuses. I can't wait to go home today though. I know I had 4 days off but it's been a rough day.

Update: I heard back from the nurse about the embryos but she confused me. Fortunately my RE called shortly thereafter. She said "Nothing but good news for your embryos. 4 of them are growing fabulously". YAY! One is slow at 6 cells, but the rest are compacting. She said she can't guarantee, but there's a good chance we'll have something to freeze. I'm so proud of our little ones for being so incredibly strong! We love you babies! And thank you to our Lord and savior for watching over our little ones and giving them strength!

How Our Babies are Doing

Well it's two days after ER and we got our second update. I've been extremely nervous for the call, and I tried to sleep in so it would go to voicemail. I woke up before they called, but I still let it go to voicemail. I get nervous to talk to them on the phone. The first thing the nurse said was "Hi Erika, I have good news for you." That helped to calm me down! She went on to say that all 5 of our embryos are still growing and dividing! I was so happy I had tears in my eyes. She said they were going to schedule me for a day 5 transfer. This made me happy because the RE said the quality would determine which day we transferred, which means they should be good quality. They didn't tell me the actual cell count or fragmentation amount, but I imagine it was pretty OK.

I've been nervous about a 3 day transfer. I know single day 3 transfers can work, but if we're only transferring 1 I want to know it's the best one, so I'm really glad we're planning on a blastocyst transfer. I have really high hopes for this cycle.

Sometimes I still have a voice that creeps in and says "You're going to be one of the people IVF doesn't work for" and that thought terrifies me. I know that it happens and people deal with it, but I'm not ready to be at that point, and I hate that I have to worry even more because of my kidneys. But everyone is very hopeful and so far this cycle has been much better. I hope it continues, and I just keep thanking God that I have these little ones that I love so much already. I'm hopeful, nervous, and I want this to work more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.

As a side note, I'm still in pain! I can walk, but when I bend over it hurts a lot. So worth it for our little ones though.

Embryo Update

They called this morning around 10 to give me the update on our babies. Of the 12 they retrieved, 9 were mature and 5 fertilized. I'm not sure why our fertilization rate is so low, but we have two more embryos than last time. My RE called this morning and said she's not sure if we'll be doing a day 3 or 5 transfer, which is cool because last time she scheduled a day 3 right away. She said the emerging quality of the embryos would be the deciding factor.

I'll find out tomorrow how well they're growing. I hope we have really good embryos like last time. We had 2/3 that grew really well, so I'm hoping to have 3 or 4 this time. I'd still love to get a blast to put in and a blast to freeze, but we'll see what happens. I'm nervous, but I really hope one of these is our sticky baby. It's hard not knowing what to expect. Knowing that we had great embryos last time but that doesn't mean we will this time. I really hope that we do, and waiting until tomorrow morning is driving me up the wall. I keep worrying that perhaps my eggs don't look so hot, but I know we can make good embryos because we have 1 frozen. I just want this baby so much and I hope that it works this time. We have 5 little ones growing and I hope they all continue to grow. I hope that we've got a perfect blast to put in and one or two to freeze. I love them already. The wait is driving me insane and we haven't even transferred yet! I need to relax.

Egg Retrieval is Done!

I'm feeling a little woozy. It's that neat, good pain-killer woozy lol. I had my egg retrieval today, and I was in a lot more pain than last time. I wore jeans like a dumbass, which I unbuttoned for the car ride home. They gave me a heating pad which was AWESOME and it helped some.

So what's the verdict? 12 eggs!!!! This is exactly double from last time so I'm very excited. My RE aims for 10-15 so we're perfect. They said they're less aggressive with me, so they dropped my follistim to 75 a few days before retrieval so I think we could have gotten more. They're very conservative because of my kidneys and because we're only putting 1 in, but I'm OK with that. I'd like to have 2 or 3 eggs to freeze, but I don't want a ton. I don't want to have more in the freezer than children we'd like to have (with maybe 1 or 2 extra in case some don't work).

I still feel great about this cycle, and I'm just waiting for the fert report. I'm hoping most of the ones we got were mature. We didn't have an awesome fertilization rate last time, but with only 5 eggs it was 60%... one more and it would have been 80% so it's kind of tough to tell. Before we went in for retrieval I asked Andy how many eggs he thought we'd get and he said 12, so he was right. He says he thinks we'll get 7 fertilized eggs, which would be great. We still really want to do a day 5 transfer. Andy keeps saying even if we only get 1 fertilized that's OK. And I know it's still possible we don't get any. But I hope we get more than last time for the sake of a 5 day.

If for some reason this cycle doesn't work we're definitely going to do frozen transfers until we're out of frozen blasts. I want to give my body a rest from everything I've put it through the last 3 months. My ovaries in particular. And I want to lose about 30 pounds before trying again. We'd start BCPs in October and do the FET in November. I'm still trying to be pregnant for Christmas.

I think I'm getting a little bonus sometime soon. We do awards at work in July and I think I'm getting at least 1, which would be really cool. Assuming this cycle works, we're going to use it to buy our crib.  I really feel so good about this cycle. I hope the eggs are good quality and they fertilize. I am so nervous for that call but I'm hopeful that we get some good embies and we get to day 5 for a blast transfer.

Things went easier at the actual transfer this time. I was the second person there. It was quite a wait between changing into my gown and actually getting into the OR, but Andy was there to keep me company and I checked my email and such. Everything was pink today!

The needle for the IV, the routing tube thing, and the round thing on the right is my boob, which was covered in a pink gown. I kind of just took this for posterity. It's a real event getting eggs retrieved. I had a hair cover and foot covers on. I wore my shark socks again.

We signed the consents and I was hooked up to the saline really quickly since I hadn't had a drink since 10:30 the night before. I think my retrieval really started right around 7:30 when it was supposed to. I went in and sat on the table. the anesthesiologist immediately gave me something to calm me down, and they asked me my name and such. By the third question I wasn't sure I knew the answers, and I laid down and passed out. I vaguely remember lifting my legs to put them in the holders and then I woke up. The nurse came in and I asked her if she would be able to tell us how many eggs were mature. She said no, but she'd tell us the total in a few minutes. When she came back I told her we had 6 last time and we were really hoping for more. She said "Well you're going to be happy then because you got 12". I was expecting 8-12 so it was on the higher end of what she expected. I would've been OK with 8, too, but 12 just feels like a great number.

Andy gave me some juice that spilled all over me, and we left about 20 minutes later. I kept saying "it really hurts this time" but the vicodin is really helping. Since we'd been up since 4:15-4:45 we came home and sat down. We both fell asleep for a while. I think I slept from about 10-2, and Andy slept from maybe 11-12:30 or so. We've been hanging out and talking all day and it's awesome.

We said a prayer before retrieval and we'll say one tonight that a lot of our babies are mature and fertilize. We're so thankful for these opportunities and that we got more eggs this time. I hope things continue to be improved from last cycle and that we get a beautiful healthy baby this time. I'm really happy today. I feel good about this.

Trigger Time!

Most likely, anyway. Everyone kept saying it would be today and I hope they're right because I'm just plain out of meds. And I already got off. And it would give me a 4 day weekend! And Andy wouldn't have to take a day off for transfer because it would either be Sunday or Tuesday - his days off. So what's the verdict for today? Well, she only measured 12 again, but here are their stats.

Right:
19.6
19.1
18.8
18.8
18.5
17.2
15

Left:
21.1
19.4
18.2
15.8
15.4

So basically tons of mature follicles if the rest are like these. The smallest is a 15, and even that could yield a mature egg since it will keep growing. The tech asked me how many eggs I got last time and I said "5 mature" and she said "Oh you'll get more this time". So that was nice to hear. I feel like I've got a shot at a 5 day this time. Although that's assuming our embryos look as good as last time. They may not. But I'm hopeful.

We said a nice prayer last night and we'll say one again tonight. I've been praying all along but it's nice when we pray together. We're very excited and Andy's been taking such an interest in what I'm going through. He actually came to an ultrasound to see what they do. That was really cool, so now he's been there for every step of the process. He thanked me for doing all of it. I don't need thanks, just a healthy baby and love and support from my husband, which I've always got.

And normally I don't think too much of what I'm doing. I don't love having to get up early every day, or the blood draws since they always make me bleed a lot at this place (no one else ever does!). But I don't mind the injections or the ER and stuff. It's just part of the process for us. Our family might be created a little differently, but it's still created from the love of my husband and I putting everything we have into this.

I did forget to take my ganirelix this morning, but thankfully they had one to lend me until I can give them mine tomorrow. Thank God! I didn't want to have to be late to work when I was off early yesterday and will be out Thursday and Friday!

I am extremely uncomfortable, especially when laying down. It was hard to sleep last night, and I can feel my ovaries a lot when I move a certain way. I was uncomfortable last time and there are a lot more follicles this time. I'm actually a little worried about OHSS, so I guess we'll see what happens with that.

I'm officially out of lucky socks to wear tomorrow so I'll have to re-use for retrieval. I've had more appointments than last time. YAY. And here's today's pair:

They're actually knee socks but they don't fit comfortable all the way up so I rolled them down a little. They're super cute. But I have gained a ton of weight this cycle, so baby and I are going on weight watchers. I don't consider WW a bad thing to do during pregnancy. I get PLENTY of food, but it makes me eat healthier foods. And I'll eat whenever my body tells me I need to, but I'll eat healthier things, so I think it will be fine. There's no way the baby won't benefit from me eating healthier.

Two mroe days until ER. I can' t believe I'm here!!!

Holy Mother of Murgatroid!

At this point I'm really starting to feel my ovaries. Sometimes they feel full, but mostly they feel stretchy, like they're even stretching the stuff around them out. I think it's probably because I have 22 follicles!! Yesterday when the tech said she saw 13 on the right alone, she only measured 6, and I thought she meant she wasn;t measuring the rest because they were too small. Today's tech said she saw 12 on the right, and said she didn't need to measure all of them. I asked her if they were BIG follicles and she said yes! And she saw 10 on the left. Holy. Crap. And they're perfect!

Right:
18.5
18
17.7
16.9
16.1
15.1

Left:
17.4
16.4
15.9
15.8
15.5
14.1

They're so close in size. And I'd imagine the 14.1 is the smallest. It makes sense that if she's not measuring all of them she'd measure the biggest and smallest. At this rate if we triggered tomorrow, they'd all have a good shot at maturing for retrieval. I'm in shock and disbelief.

The bad news is I am completely out of menopur so I have to drive to a pharmacy on the other side of the city to get it. And I have to pay out of pocket. Aetna has a shipment ready to get here tomorrow, but I don't want to pay for it if I end up triggering tomorrow, which they said I probably will. why spend $150 on something I'm not going to need? When I already spent the out of pocket cost? So I'm not sure what to do about that.

Here are today's lucky socks:

They don't come anywhere close to matching my bright blue shirt. It makes me happy.

Obviously yesterday was father's day. We spent the afternoon with my dad which was cool, but we had a little trouble at night. We were just watching a baseball game, but they kept talking about fathers and kids and father's day. At one point Andy said "why don't you keep rubbing it in my face?". My poor guy. I told him it was OK because he was going to be an expecting daddy in about a week, after my transfer. That made him light up, so that's good.

I feel so good about this process. I feel like it's going to work this time. I know I keep saying that, but I do. And retrieval is THIS WEEK! YAY!

Moving Right Along

Today was my third monitoring appointment. Last cycle this was the day I triggered - after 7 nights of stims. I didn't even make it to daily monitoring. This time I'm definitely doing better! The tech said she definitely saw at least twelve follicles on the right, and she measured 6 of them. She measured 4 on the left.

Right:
15
13.5
12.7
12.4
12.2
11.3

Left:
15.6
14.2
12.3
11.2

So far we're not close to triggering. They said probably Tuesday or Wednesday, but I have to come in every day for monitoring. I think we'll have a few more pop up by then. We're only 4mm apart right now, so I think if we wait until the 15s are 20-22, we'll have  a couple more than we do right now. I hope so anyway. I had 2 more today than I had on Friday, so we'll see. I'd really like to have 15 follicles, which isn't out of the question, but I'd be happy with 12.

My e2 was I think 940, which is awesome to me. It indicates to me that there are eggs in the follicles since none of them are mature and I've got almost 100 per follicle. Last time I think I was at about 1040 at trigger, which yielded 5 mature eggs. If my e2 keeps doubling, I'll be at about 2000 by Tuesday, so if we trigger that day I'll be in a much better place than I was last cycle. I've already gone an extra day so I'm really psyched. My lining is 10.3, so already ready.

I am definitely out of menopur completely. They didn't have any donated vials, so I had to purchase one without insurance today to get through tonight. I tried to call the pharmacy I have to use per my insurance and they were closed, which means they won't ship until tomorrow and I will, therefore, not have any for tomorrow night so I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't mind buying it somewhere but I don't know if my insurance will reimburse me, and we really weren't prepared to spend that much. But I'm incredibly thankful that I have insurance at all, and that I live in a mandatory IVF coverage state.

Anyway, things are moving along perfectly! It looks lie I'll be stimming for 9 days this time, but possible 10. I am so freaking excited. I am really hopeful for a day 5 transfer this time.

And here are the socks I wore today. I'm running out! I have 4 more pairs, and 1 is set aside for transfer, so I hope I only stim 9 days or I'm out of socks!!

Don't mind my pasty white calf. It's getting eaten by a shark, so what can I say? 

Next appointment tomorrow morning at 7:45. I'm looking for a few more follicles. We'll see what we get!

Follie Check #2 and More Socks

The cycle in opposite-land continues. Today's follie check was perfect. At my second check last time, I'd already been on Ganirelix for 2 days, and my follies ranged from 10-16mm. I'd had 6 follies at the first check that were huge. Today's check was much different. So far, 8 follies are measurable:

Right:
13.5
12.3
11.1
11.8

Left:
13.1
12.4
11.3
10.7

Endometrial Thickness 8.1

They're not even 3mm different in size, which is a great improvement. She said there were more that she didn't measure, so I'm hoping more pop up by Sunday. I think they will because there looked like a bunch that were close to 10.

Now I'm just waiting on my e2. I'm hoping for something in the 3s or 4s, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. None of these are close to maturity. If I had to make a guess right now, I'd say I'll be triggering Tuesday, but it's still early. So I asked for slow and steady and it looks like that's what I'm getting! I'm thinking they'll keep me on this dose of meds. I really hope I get more follies. Last time I had twice as many on the second measurable follie check. Meaning I went from 6 on day 4 to 12 on day 6. This time I didn't have any measurable folliws on day 4, and 8 on day 6, so I'm hoping day 8 (when I triggered last time!) I have more.

Here are the lucky socks I wore today. They're so freaking cool.

There's even a fin! I love it. And they also happen to be the most confortable socks ever. And I don't like to wear socks.

So there you have it. Things are going well. A few more follies and a few more mm and we'll be set! In theory, they should range from 14-17 on Sunday, so they'll want to see me Monday, too. So freaking excited.

Update: My nurse called. My estrogen is up to 400 from 81 on Wednesday. Hooray! They've dropped my follistim back down to 75iu, so I won't have to order more, but they've upped Menopur to 225, so I've only got two days left! I called to try to get another box ordered which would take me through Tuesday. I think that should be enough. I'm hoping for a few more follicles, but so far things look great.

First Follie Check

I don't know what to think! One follie check in and already this cycle is worlds different from the last one. Is that good? I hope so. I want to do a little comparison.

IVF #1
Baseline - 22 follicles
First Check - 12 follicles. 6 Measurable. 2 16s.

IVF #2
Baseline - 17 follicles
First Check - 21 follicles, no measurable.

Holy difference, Batman!! She actually said "You have AT LEAST 12 on the right ovary". I only had 12 last time total at my first check! She said they didn't expect to see any measurable follicles this time and I said "Well last time I had 2 16s at my first check." She said "Really!?? This early??" And I said yes, so she measured one just to be sure and it appeared to be just under 10. They all looked really close in size to my untrained eye. Maybe 6-9mm. She congratulated me on having no measurables lol.

I will hear from my nurse today what they want to do with my meds, and I go back again on Friday. I'd prayed for a slower, steadier stim, and so far it's working. Now my brain is going "What if none of them get over 10!?" but something's going on. I could see I had more follicles myself. And they're supposed to be small now! I feel that I'm going to be very uncomfortable by the end of this stim. Right now I'm hoping for a Tuesday trigger and Thursday ER. That will mean I had 9 nights of stims, which is 2 more than last time. A Wednesday trigger would be OK, too, 'cause that would mean I only needed 1 day off work.

I'm really happy with how things are going. I have a REALLY good feeling about this cycle. I feel we're going to get a lot more eggs, too. I could be wrong, but for now I just feel great!

These are the socks I wore:

I think Friday I'm going to wear the sharks. I'm really digging the socks though. I've never been a sock person but I have to say I like these. 

Update: The nurse called and said everything looks good but my E2 is a little low so they want to up my medication. Seeing as I was on the absolute lowest doses (75iu Follistim and 75iu Menopur) I guess that's OK. She said not to worry because they don't expect to see much at this point and upping my meds should help. I have another ultrasound on Friday so we'll see what happens. Eek.

Google is the Devil (And Other Assorted Things of Note)

Yesterday was one of those days. I have them about once a week. A day where I just feel low... where bfp after bfp makes me think "Everyone else gets pregnant on their first IVF!" Of course I know this isn't the case, but there are days where it feels like it is, and usually on those days I turn to google hoping for.. well.. hope. Unfortunately what I usually get is the exact opposite. On google, so many more people have failed IVFs than successful ones (again, not true, but it feels like it sometimes). And I end up having to retreat home to my husband and have him make me feel better. I hate Google.

In other news, my ovaries are active. I felt it yesterday at work. This... full sort of feeling. I felt it again last night. It makes me hopeful that something is going on in there, but worried that I can feel it because they're too big already again. I'll find out tomorrow for sure, and I'm excited to see what happens, but I hope there's good news and my follicles are uniform.

I've been worried I won't have enough leave to take off 2 days for the retrieval and a day for the transfer, but my fears were put to rest today! I worked on Saturday, but it was an on call thing, not a regular shift. I had to join a conference call just about every hour, and it sucked, but we were told we'd only get comp time for while we were on the calls. When I got in, the other girl had gotten 7 hours, and I ended up getting 6.5! I only needed 3.5, so now I've got 3 extra! I'm so happy that I don't have to freak out about this all week, and now I can go into my procedures knowing I have the time I need.

I could really use two days off. I say that all the time, but part of me is happy to just be home for those two days with nothing to do 'cause it hurts to move. I like video games. And I will be playing lots of them. Hooray!

Neighbor Problems

We have what I would call "neighbor problems". And I don't mean all of our neighbors. Just one... well.. one house. We live in a rental townhouse community in a farming and agriculture county. Crime was nonexistent until recently, and you could really leave your doors unlocked if you wanted to. We'd been planning on moving out after a year and buying something, but infertility roadblocked us, so we're stuck until we're pregnant and can save some money again. Our house is small, but it's conveniently located between our jobs, and we have a lovely patio and a guest bedroom that will soon be a nursery. And though we had some minor ant issues, and management isn't fantastic, we were pretty happy. That is until "he" moved in.

You see, the maintenance man for the community lives across the way from us. Our townhouses face each other, separated by a grassy area that's about 20-30 feet wide. He's drunk. Yes, I don't know where he is or what he's doing, but from my cubicle at work at 10:23am, I can confidently assure you that he is drunk. The only thing I've ever seen him carry into his house is beer, and, having had him come try to "fix" things in our house, I've spent enough time with him to know that he is seriously lacking in the brain cell department. I'm pretty certain I saw a prostitute leave his house. But he was quiet and non-threatening, and so it wasn't a big deal. That is until about a year ago when someone moved in with him.

And all hell broke loose.

I'd wager a guess that newcomer doesn't own any shirts. At least I've never seen him wear one. Since his arrival their house has become a dumping ground for whatever is around. Chairs, bikes, trash... anything you can think of. He's ALWAYS outside, and he stares. I've tried to be nice, but my husband can't stand him and so our house has gained a stigma. It's a stigma I'm OK with of "We disapprove". So what do we disapprove of exactly?

Well first off, the houses are two bedrooms, and at least 4 people live there. Two grown men, a teenage girl, and a kid. I think there may be more. They're loud and obnoxious, play music in the parking lot at all hours, and don't watch the kids. One of whom throws baseballs at the side of our neighbor's house to play "catch". Except that it's not his house! And we share a wall and we can hear every loud "thunk" that comes off and on for 15 minutes at a time ALL DAY LONG.

Someone spray-painted "kill" on the side of our house, and we're 99.9% sure it was someone from their house or visiting them. They also spray-painted "slut" on our fence. We called the police (welcome, stigma!). Since shirtless doesn't have a job, I'm not sure where he gets the money for all the beer he drinks, but my husband caught him popping open a beer can and hopping behind the wheel to go for a drive. There are kids in the neighborhood. Lots of kids. And now drunk drivers.

So yes, I'm ok with being "those" neighbors because we shouldn't have to live with these delinquents and their... parents? Guardians? Random guys who kidnapped them? I don't know what they are. But I'm tired of being stared at, and ready to go buy shirtless some shirts.

I don't know how we're going to remedy this problem, but I'm ready to call the management company itself because it's out of control. I will not have drunken jerks driving around when I have a baby with me. It's not going to happen.

We're thinking of telling them to move us to the "new" section of townhouses across the street, but then we'd have to get a moving truck to get all of our things over there. And we can't buy anything until we have a baby. So we're stuck. And I hate it. And something is going to be done, but I don't know what.

PS: Stim day 2! I didn't feel anything at all in my ovaries last night. I hope that's not a problem!

Vacation Plans

I took my first shots tonight and I sort of can't believe it. It means that in just a few short days I'm going to be in the 2ww again! I'm hoping to stim for more than 7 days this time, but either way it'll be soon. I'm already preparing for being out of work, and I'm pretty sure my boss doesn't like it, but this will be the last one for a while whether or not it works. We'd need a few months to get some money saved up either way, and I think my body will probably need a break. And, of course, if it does work, I'll have a good 9 months of work. Hopefully!

I've been trying to convince Andy that before the baby comes we need to take a vacation. I suggested a cruise but he's not particularly keen on the idea. I really just want to go to a tropical island. At the same time, I'd love to not be so overweight when I go to one, so I don't know. I'm not sure Vegas is really our style, and I'd like to go someplace a little more exotic than Chicago. Of course we'd love to not spend a million dollars on it either. My list of placed I want to go the most is:

1. Maldives/Seychelles/Tahiti/Fiji (Any one of those will do)
2. Grand Cayman
3. Australia
4. England
5. Italy
6. Alaska, though I've already been there
7. South Africa


I think the only ones that are remotely possible are Grand Cayman and the Alaskan cruise. We're planning to go to Disney with my parents once the baby's a little older, too.

I MIGHT be biting off more than I can chew with all the places I want to see, but... I need to go SOMEwhere.

Look at me getting ahead of myself. I only just started stims. But what can I say, I'm excited. Wednesday is my first follie check and I'm really nervous to see what happens this time. I want things to go slower but I know if they do I'm going to freak out about that. But I promised myself a less stressful cycle and I'm going to deliver. We still have our big date planned and I'm really excited for that. I'm nervous, but there's nothing I can do but hope and pray, and I'm going to keep doing that and see what happens.

It's Finally Here!

The time is almost upon us! Tomorrow I start stims! I finally decided to go through our shipment of meds, and thankfully everything was in there. I really should have done it sooner. I'm definitely beginning to feel like if there's ever an apocalypse and we have to fight for survival, my family is the one to be in. Between all the weapons my brother and my father have, the antibiotics and pain meds my parents and I have, and all of my medical supplies... all we need is food and water, and I'm pretty sure both my parents and brother have a well, and my parents live next to a reservoir, and that water could easily be purified. OK... zombie invasion discussion over. I need a hobby.

Anyway, AF is pissed at me because I'm pretty sure she knows she won't be visiting again for a while, so my cramps suck today. She hasn't shown her face but she's about to. I just can't get over how quickly this is all happening. When I started the pills I felt like 3 weeks was going to be forever, but now that I'm here I feel like the BFN was yesterday. I'm nervous about this cycle and I really want to see how my first ultrasound goes. I know that there's really no way to tell how many eggs I'm actually going to get until ER, I just hope I get more than last time. I keep having all these amazing daydreams about taking my baby girl to 4th of July cookouts and family dinners and Christmas and stuff. Although my dad still insists it's going to be a boy.

I got my blood work done today between conference calls at work. Every year we need to do infections disease testing, but they also did some PCOS test... I couldn't tell which test though. And I got a spot urine to test my protein level. It's high. I could see the protein floating in it which is not normal.. it should be microscopic. But hopefully it's not any worse than it was.

I have 2 more conference calls today at least, but Columbus has decided he'd rather put his butthole directly on my important papers. See exhibit A:

I'm pretty sure he can read, and thought "Ok this looks important, so I should probably put my bare butthole directly on it". He's such an asshole.

Soon my calls will be done with and I can take a nap. But I do still need 2.5 more hours of comp time by next week for ER. So... maybe I can get Columbus to put his butthole on someone else's papers, and they'll need help re-typing them. Maybe not.

Annoyances

Yesterday was an interesting day in the world of my (in)fertility. I'd sent a list of questions in to my nurse to go over with my doctor about the last cycle, and the responses I received weren't quite what I expected.

When I asked about the last cycle and how I thought some of the follicles weren't mature, they told me they retrieved every egg that was there and only 6 were in the fluid. That dominant follicles are uncommon but there's no way to prevent them. Now I'm no dummy. I've done my research and I'm incredibly scientific. By nature, every follicle has an egg. If they're immature, they don't separate from the follicle wall, and therefore would not be in the aspirated fluid. This answer was annoying, but I let it go. (Check out this blog for more info on empty follicles).

I then said I was nervous because last cycle I had so many "empty" follicles and it seemed like kind of a bad cycle. She said they didn't conssider it bad, and that they don't want a lot of eggs because of my "medical history". That they could stim me more, but they won't.

Are you kidding me?? You could but you won't? Yes, I have kidney disease, but that guy who specializes in it and works at the #2 nephrology hospital in the country cleared me for this. As did my high risk OB. So stop using it as an excuse. My mom says they're just trying to cover their butts. I don't know what I think.

As a side note, I'm extremely thankful that I ended up with 2 good looking embryos, and that we have a frozen embryo. But I don't feel that retrieving 5 mature eggs is ideal since there's no way to know how many will fertilize and grow and we do have male factor.

I went on to explain that we'd like a 5 day transfer if we have more than 1 embryo, and they basically said no. Not unless we have a bunch of them and they can't tell which is the best. The problem I have with that is that we had 2 embryos last time that looked exactly the same on day 3. One of them was frozen on day 5, and the other one stopped growing at some point. I wonder if they would have differentiated had we let them both grow to day 5! But no. Denied.

Finally, I asked what the success rate was on a SINGLE frozen embryo transfer. They said it's the same as fresh. According to their website, the FET success rates is in the 40s, and that's with more than 1, but the data only went through 2009, so I don't think they were using vitrification and I think it has gone up significantly since.

All in all I'm not happy. I love my nurse, and I feel like she really takes the time to get to know me, but I hate that I have absolutely no say in my care. It's not that I don't like my RE. I do, especially in person. And I know she's a doctor and has done this for many years. I just feel like my ideas aren't being considered at all, and I hope that changes.

My nurse did slip up a little. She said "We're going to get this to work for you. It's going to work this time". And I don't think they're supposed to say that, so she said "Er... we'll make sure you're OK" or something like that. Then she goes "I just have a really good feeling!". So that was pretty cool. I really like her and I hope that she's right.

I start stims on Sunday and Wednesday is my first follie check. I can't believe I'm this far already. My diet's been going VERY well. I'm not tracking today and I'm splurging because I've used almost no weekly points. I sort of like the idea of having a splurge day, but I don't think I should do it every week. I think taking it day by day will work best under most circumstances.

Oh, I'm pretty sure I dislocated a rib last night. It was pretty much the worst pain ever. My brother has a problem with a floating rib that slips out and pops up over another rib. That pretty much describes what mine felt like and I wouldn't be surprised if I had it as well. I'm 99% convinced that my body was designed as an experiment. And I still plan to grow a kidney out of my own stem cells if I need one one day. I'm destined to be the bionic woman. Sweet.

*SIGH*

Let's try this once more. Happy last bcp day to me. Take 4.

Yes, the nurse called late y esterday afternoon and told me they had to push me back two days. She was very apologetic - especially when I told her this had happened last time. There's no reason to be upset, I'm just excited, dammit! I'm ready to shove sharp objects into my belly! Now there's something you don't hear every day. So I start injects on Sunday now, with a tentative ER of Thursday, June 23. I was really hoping for a Friday so day 2 would not require sick time from work. We'll see what happens. She did say it's because my body looks good and ready and I'm one of the people they feel they can push back, whereas others have issues and need to go asap.

I had a sort of craptastic day yesterday emotionally. I just got really SCARED about this whole process. I read a post on the Bump about empty follicles so I googled. And I kept thinking "What if it happens again!?" I was trying to convince myself that I only got 6 eggs, not because my follicles were empty, but because I triggered at the wrong time. Because... I had a dominant follicle. Will I get one again? Will I have a 16mm on day 4? That's 32 on day 7!? So all my other follicles are too small? How can I make them grow evenly if we're on the same protocol? I'm trying to think through all these thing that can't be thought through. I'm not going to know until we get there. My nurse said I could email her a list of questions so I'm going to do that and hopefully it'll ease my fears a little. I just want this cycle to be better. I want it to work. I want my baby.

So I'm putting the list together today and hopefully I'll have something soon. I need to calm down. This doesn't have to turn out just like last time. People have better second cycles all the time. Plus I'm taking Co Q 10 which is supposed to protect the eggs, and I'm kicking ass on my diet. I had to drink caffeine today but I will otherwise be cutting it out.

So... back to positivity today. It's what I have to do. To keep my husband from being driven insane :D

Magic Socks FTW!

I had my baseline ultrasound today. I did not have the 24 resting follicles I'd dreamed about, but I did have 17 (9 lefft, 8 right). My RE likes to see 10-15 so I'm happy with 17. I'm slightly concerned that this is the lowest number I've had, but perhaps it's a good thing. I had 22 last time and I keep thinking "we only got 5 eggs last time. What if the 5 we lost were the only ones we would've gotten? What if we get nothing now?". But at the same time, the tech did tell me halfway through last cycle that she didn't think I had 22 to begin with. And 22 didn't work out particularly well. Maybe I'll stim a little slower now or maybe the massive one that messed up last cycle is the missing one and I'll stim evenly this time. We'll find out. I start stims Friday. I did wear 1 pair of lucky socks today!

I'm wearing them with work clothes. And that's the ugly work carpet. I have 7 more pairs of socks to wear and that should cover all of my ultrasounds and retrieval and transfer. 

I have to cancel my WTF on Friday, but I'm going to see if I can email al ist of questions. If not, Andy's offered to go without me (awwww). I'm hoping I can email though, so I'll find out when they call with my lab work from this morning.

Hooray!!!!

Promise, Promises

In an effort to go all out to make us a success story, I've decided a few things:

1. That diet I've been talking about for years and never actually succeeded in sticking with? It's on.
2. That whole exercising thing I keep saying I'm going to do? I'm doing it.

Yep. These are words I've said 1000 times. Promises I've broken 1000 times. So no one has any real reason to believe me. I have doubts myself. But it's going to happen. It's going to happen because I miss the baby that didn't stick from our last cycle. And chances are slim it had anything to do with me. If it was viable, it probably would have stuck. But I don't care. I need to do this. And there are other reasons. My cholesterol, for instance. Not only do I have a genetic defect that causes high cholesterol (yes, I said genetic, and yes, I've thought about it) but my kidney problems cause high cholesterol. I can't take meds while trying to conceive, so I need to get pregnant immediately so I can take meds. And I need to lose weight so there's less cholesterol for my malfunctioning receptors to clean out. Plus, though he doesn't push it, the nephrologist has mentioned it could help my kidneys. So not only is it for the baby I want to conceive, but for the baby I will have who will need a mommy for as long as possible. And for me and for my husband. So I'm coming out with it. The unfortunate truth. This is a virtual model of me right now:

EEP! Yes, that's obese. Here's a model of me with a BMI of 24.9

Much better. That's actually 100 pounds difference. Right now my BMI is 39.9. Barely under the cutoff. If for some reason this fresh cycle does not work, I'm taking 3 months off to get healthier and lose 35 pounds. We'd expect the cycle to begin in October with BCPs. So 4 months to lose 35 pounds. This will put my BMI at 34.9. Still obese, but much better.

I think this cycle will work, though, and so starting tomorrow I will be eating healthier. Fewer processed foods, less sugar, etc. I know they say not to "diet" when TTC, but I don't consider cutting out crap and eating healthier and exercising a "diet". And I can't imagine it would be bad for the baby, so that's what I'm doing.

I'm feeling feisty. Bring it, world.



Happy Last BCP Day to Me (Take 3)!

Yep... this is the third time I've expected to be stopping BCPs, and I'm praying I don't get a call from the nurse today saying "We have too many patients, please take them for one more day". That was a pain last time and I am dying to be off these things. I'm really ready to begin this cycle. I'm almost out of sick days (as a matter of fact my time sheet shows I have 6.75 hours, though I earned 8 today) and I'd really like to start building up again. I used 4 last cycle because I actually got sick. I'll have another day by the time of retrieval, and if I can work a little comp time I'll have enough to cover retrieval, the day after, and transfer. Although I really hope at least 1 of those occurs on a weekend.

I keep thinking about how tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound. I'm so excited to wear my awesome socks. I had a dream last night that they saw 24 follicles and I thanked Tania for my socks lol. I can't believe this is happening again so fast. That in just two weeks I should be retrieving eggs. That I start shots on Friday! I'm so nervous about this cycle because we didn't get the results we wanted last time, but I'm also hopeful that things well go better. And even if we do get 5 eggs again, I know we can make good day 5 embryos with that because we did last time.

I bought something this weekend that has become very special to me. I was looking at jewelry in Kohl's and it caught my eye. It's a stackable set of 3 rings, each with a word on it. It's actually this one:

I have a sort of a "thing" about rings. My mom bought me one once that says "hopes and dreams and the possibility of it all". I love it, but I gained some weight and it doesn't fit, so I'll be putting it back on when I lose some weight. This one I bought for the babies. For the perfect little one that's up in heaven looking down on us. I know it was a day 3 embryo, but I fully believe it is life from conception, and though it didn't make it, it tried to make a home in my body. I believe it is watching over us and I'll meet it one day. What it would have been had it been able to hold on. I bought it for the embryo we have on ice. The perfect little fighter that I hope and pray sticks when we put it in. And for the ones we're about to create. That I hope are strong, and fight like their brothers and sisters. That I hope make it, and grow into our beautiful babies one day. I don't know why, but this ring makes me think of all of them. Of the love I have for each one of them already. It makes me feel like this is going to happen. It's a symbol of my firm belief that through God all things are possible. That through faith and hope we can achieve our dream of having a beautiful child together. This is important to me. For all my beautiful little ones who I love so incredibly much.

I don't know if people think I'm silly, and, frankly, I don't care. Having these rings on my finger makes me feel like all things are possible. Looking at it makes my heart ache just a bit of the one we lost. Maybe some don't consider it a loss, but I do. It was the first one that was made of pieces of Andy and I. The first one that grew and was put in my body to have a fighting chance.

Looking at it also makes my heart soar just a bit because it reminds me of the hope and belief that this will happen for us. So yes, maybe I'm silly, but I am who I am. And this is special to me. And I'm ready. Tomorrow's day 1 of this cycle. If you can find it in your hearts, please say some prayers for us. We could use them.

So, without further adieu... Happy last BCP day to me. 

Heck Yes!

I woke up this morning and I really wanted to go out to breakfast, but I didn't want to wait in a restaurant so we went to Panera bread. They were out of eggs (who runs out of eggs when there's a grocery store in their shopping center??) so I got lunch and we went to sit down. Andy was in front of me and walked into one room and immediately said "Nope, can't put you in there" and found a new place to sit. Why, you may be asking? There were babies in there. Ouch. Am I that bitter? Apparently I've put out that air. I explained that though I have days where I'm sad, I won't literally implode and suck the universe in on itself if I'm around cute babies (at least I don't think so, but you never really know?). 

And anyway, I'm going to have one of my own in a while. We have friends visiting and I said they should come in July so we can share our baby having joy with them. Of course we wouldn't actually be telling them until after 12 weeks anyway, but I have to relate it to this IVF working somehow. Everything related to IVF. EVERYTHING. Lol. I'm out of control. Oh, and while we're at it, I could use this as a pretty accurate picture of me right now:

I've eaten so much pizza I think I probably look like that. I wouldn't be surprised. I need help. And if I haven't mentioned it, I hate BCPs.

My baseline is Tuesday. Holy. Shit. I'm so excited. When I think about it I make this face:

And do this dance:

Yep. I'm psyched.

Shopping!

I went shopping today and it was awesome. I found $10 in Kohl's cash in my wallet, and it's just wrong to not use it. I wanted some stuff I could wear to work or on weekends and I found the most gorgeous sweater sort of thing. It's cream-colored, and a deep purple shirt to wear under it. I don't know why I'm so excited about this, but I feel like I have so few clothes I'm really comfortable in and I absolutely love this outfit. I showed it to Andy and he made his "ooooo I like this" face lol.

I discovered that I actually have a doctor's appointment every day but Wednesday next week. Monday is the eye doctor because I've been seeing spots in the eye with the retina issue. Tuesday is my baseline (and my first awesome socks-wearing day). Thursday is my OCD doc, who I have very little to talk about with lately (thank you OCD doc!!!) and Friday is our WTF. I am the furthest thing from a morning person. I rarely get up before 10 on weekends, and I'm going to be exhausted. My kidneys do make me tired and the BCPs are making me eat like  I'm a freaking food vacuum, and that makes me tired, too. I could not be more excited to be off of them. I want to eat like a human again.

I also got a random idea that I should POAS today lol. I have no idea where it came from. I'm decidedly NOT pregnant. I guess I just miss peeing on things. I'm still wavering on testing before beta this time, but knowing me I'll probably do it. I'd like to find out about my baby girl as soon as possible! :D

Like I said, super positive and excited this time. Scared shitless, too. I mean WTF do I do if it doesn't work? But it will, so I'm ready. A friend of mine just found out she's pregnant from transferring 1 embie and that's going to be me in a few weeks. Whooooo hoo!!

One Thing After Another

I've been having a hell of a day. Because Andy's car is in the shop he had to drive me to work and drop me off and then drive to work. We got in a huge argument on the way to work. I told him I was still trying to think of something relaxing we could do during the 2WW for a day and he responded with "Well I won't know the White Sox schedule by then". I blew up. I mean.. screaming at him. I eventually turned into a blubbering mess of "You care about baseball more than me! You don't know how hard this is 'cause you don't have to do shots or hormones or surgeries! What if it doesn't work? I don't want to do it again!!". He held me hand and told me I was the most important thing, and he was sorry he made me feel like I wasn't. He went into some details about why he likes to stay home so much that I won't get into, but it made sense and put things into perspective so I apologized for screaming. I was being really nasty. Have I mentioned that I HATE birth control pills? HATE THEM. Then I went on and on about how he was probably thinking about divorcing me but didn't want to tell me and one day he'd spring it on me because he doesn't like me anymore. He laughed out loud. Again. I hate birth control pills.

So I finally go into work, where I'll be until well past 7, and get into a conversation with coworker who has a 4 month old, and who knows every gory detail about IVF and my infertility. And she's talking about how she's busy at nights. And then she touches her boob and says "Oh they hurt so much. I hope I'm not pregnant! Well.. that's not true. I probably am not" with this look that says "but I could be, 'cause I'm fertile! And I'd love it if I was!" I think there was a "you know?" thrown in there somewhere, at which point I wanted to say "No, I don't know. I've never been pregnant in any capacity. I don't have a sweet baby girl at home. I don't have the luxury of knowing I can get knocked up whenever I want. Despite the fact that you started trying months after us and now have a 4 month old". I wanted to scream. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't know ALL the details about our IVF and how much I want a child.

After she left, hubs called to tell me he'd talk to the car guy about the repairs. The parts and labor for the alternator are $700, and he needs another $100 to fix an oil leak. So, as predicted, $800. Supposedly the brakes are fine, so that doesn't include that, and he can't get the engine light on to pull the code, so it doesn't include that either. So there goes our $800 in IVF credits. Straight into Andy's car. Plus, it won't be done until possibly Tuesday!!! This isn't going to work out well considering I have a doctor's appointment Monday night and my baseline ultrasound is Tuesday and I have to be there at 7am! So I have no idea what we're doing to do.

And the hormones on top of it are really making this a hell of a day. I need the weekend to come as soon as possible. At least tomorrow's Friday and then it's the weekend. We're getting into summer so there are a lot of fun things I can get into. I just have to get through today first!

New Mindset = Shopping

Because I've decided that embryo #3 (#2 still on ice) is going to stick, and is going to be a girl, I did some online shopping and picked out a nursery theme for her. I'm sort of in love with it.

I actually even like the wall color they chose, and beiges usually aren't my thing. I'm going to get a custom wall decal made of the print that's on the comforter. I really love this print and the colors. It's clearly girly, but not overtly.. well.. pink.

I also told my husband today that we're buying a house before the baby comes. It's really not an option at this point. We just don't have room for everything. So I'm really excited about making positive changes and moving forward. And I found new bedding that makes me really happy. I'm still feeling pumped about this cycle, and still confident and ready and just feeling like it's going to work. I had a fantastic daydream as I was trying to fall asleep about testing the day before beta and seeing two lines! I'm definitely waiting until the day before beta this time, because I want to know in my own time - when I'm home with my husband, not whenever they decide to call. And I don't want to test early and go through the "I'm this many dpo, could I still be pregnant!?" nonsense. I'm excited and I feel good, and I know my nurse wants to call with congrats this time. And hopefully my eggs can see this awesome bedding, 'cause then they'll really want to grow and fertilize so they can live in this room, right?

I'm weird. I know. Still... ready for some positive change!

Stupidity

Question of the day: "So are you expecting the pitter patter of little Sterlachini feet?" Asked by a coworker out of the blue. I told her that no, we aren't, but we've been praying about it. She said "Oh so you ARE trying? Some people say they're not even trying so I didn't want to ask". So you'll ask if I'm pregnant but not if I'm trying? Can someone please explain the difference here? Do I have a sign that says "Please, fertile coworkers, please remind me at every. possible. opportunity. that I am not pregnant, and you have sweet little newborns?" That I found out my last IVF failed only two weeks ago?

I think I dealt with the whole thing pretty well, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It doesn't mean I didn't cry for a large portion of the weekend before forcing myself to move on. Or that I didn't keep every copy on every device of the first embryo's picture. I did those things. And it does hurt. Still. It hurts to know I've done the "end of the road" treatment and it didn't work. It hurts to pour thousands of dollars into other people's bank accounts. It's hard to force myself to stay positive when I'm terrified that I'll never hold my own sweet baby in my arms. I just don't need to be reminded that I'm not like everyone else. That it's not easy for us. That we have to give up so many things to be able to even TRY to conceive.

So, coworker. I'm angry and upset that you asked me this question. It's not your business. And I don't need to be reminded that I'm not pregnant, because, rest assured, I think about it enough on my own.