Happy Last BCP Day to Me (Take 3)!

Yep... this is the third time I've expected to be stopping BCPs, and I'm praying I don't get a call from the nurse today saying "We have too many patients, please take them for one more day". That was a pain last time and I am dying to be off these things. I'm really ready to begin this cycle. I'm almost out of sick days (as a matter of fact my time sheet shows I have 6.75 hours, though I earned 8 today) and I'd really like to start building up again. I used 4 last cycle because I actually got sick. I'll have another day by the time of retrieval, and if I can work a little comp time I'll have enough to cover retrieval, the day after, and transfer. Although I really hope at least 1 of those occurs on a weekend.

I keep thinking about how tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound. I'm so excited to wear my awesome socks. I had a dream last night that they saw 24 follicles and I thanked Tania for my socks lol. I can't believe this is happening again so fast. That in just two weeks I should be retrieving eggs. That I start shots on Friday! I'm so nervous about this cycle because we didn't get the results we wanted last time, but I'm also hopeful that things well go better. And even if we do get 5 eggs again, I know we can make good day 5 embryos with that because we did last time.

I bought something this weekend that has become very special to me. I was looking at jewelry in Kohl's and it caught my eye. It's a stackable set of 3 rings, each with a word on it. It's actually this one:

I have a sort of a "thing" about rings. My mom bought me one once that says "hopes and dreams and the possibility of it all". I love it, but I gained some weight and it doesn't fit, so I'll be putting it back on when I lose some weight. This one I bought for the babies. For the perfect little one that's up in heaven looking down on us. I know it was a day 3 embryo, but I fully believe it is life from conception, and though it didn't make it, it tried to make a home in my body. I believe it is watching over us and I'll meet it one day. What it would have been had it been able to hold on. I bought it for the embryo we have on ice. The perfect little fighter that I hope and pray sticks when we put it in. And for the ones we're about to create. That I hope are strong, and fight like their brothers and sisters. That I hope make it, and grow into our beautiful babies one day. I don't know why, but this ring makes me think of all of them. Of the love I have for each one of them already. It makes me feel like this is going to happen. It's a symbol of my firm belief that through God all things are possible. That through faith and hope we can achieve our dream of having a beautiful child together. This is important to me. For all my beautiful little ones who I love so incredibly much.

I don't know if people think I'm silly, and, frankly, I don't care. Having these rings on my finger makes me feel like all things are possible. Looking at it makes my heart ache just a bit of the one we lost. Maybe some don't consider it a loss, but I do. It was the first one that was made of pieces of Andy and I. The first one that grew and was put in my body to have a fighting chance.

Looking at it also makes my heart soar just a bit because it reminds me of the hope and belief that this will happen for us. So yes, maybe I'm silly, but I am who I am. And this is special to me. And I'm ready. Tomorrow's day 1 of this cycle. If you can find it in your hearts, please say some prayers for us. We could use them.

So, without further adieu... Happy last BCP day to me.