Monday, March 29, 2010

This is not so much a fertility post as a spiritual post.

For the last... wow. Year? Two?... almost as long as I can vividly remember, I've been doubtful. Because I've been so unhappy. My family has had a difficult few years. In July of 2008 my dad got very sick. He went to the hospital with horrible pains in his back and they sent him home and told him to use a heating pad, despite my parents begging for an MRI. They ended up going back and forcing the hospital to do the MRI and they found a spinal abscess and sent him into emergency surgery. He came out alive. Thank God.

In November of 2008 my mom went to the doctor because she'd been having pains she thought were indigestion. They did a scan of her heart and found a near-total blockage in one of the main arteries. She went to the hospital immediately and miraculously got a stent put in. She was told she could have had a heart attack at any time, and it would have killed her. She hasn't had any problems since.

In January of 2009 I met Dr. Choi for the first time. I had been diagnosed with IGA Nephropathy the previous September, and he finally got to sit me down and explain what it meant and how it would affect me. Over the next few months we tried medications but found out they weren't helping and my kidney function was declining. Fast. He wanted to put me on steroid therapy, and with my wedding coming up and us wanting to try for a baby I was terrified. He said that without it, he couldn't guarantee me 5 years before I needed a transplant. So I did the treatment and found out in December of 2009 that my kidneys were stable. I go back for a followup from 6 weeks after the end of treatment this week.

In December of 2009 we did blood work on my husband and found out that his hormones were off. An MRI revealed in January of this year that he had a tumor on his pituitary. Further testing showed it would be impossible for us to have a baby without medical inervention. We were scared because Dr. Choi had told us to have a baby right away. We found a Dr. for Andy who started him on Dostinex, which is working. The hormones secreted by his tumor are back to normal, and the suppressed testosterone is getting higher. He goes back for more testing and to see if the tumor has shrunk next month.

We don't have any certanties right now. My kidneys might not be fully stable. Andy might not go back to "normal" like his doctor has promised. But I know this.

My dad would have died from a heating pad on a spinal abscess. My cousin had a hunch that it was not just muscle pain and made him go back to get the MRI. My dad is still alive, and that's a miracle.

My mom would have died from a blockage in her heart if she hadn't finally decided to see a doctor. I think her artery was 99% blocked, but she didn't have a heart attack. My mom is still alive and that's a miracle.

Andy and I are still waiting, but last time we checked my kidneys had vastly improved, and his tumor had vastly improved, and I don't know if I'd call thos miracles, but we're so lucky.

And all this time I've been so mad at God for "letting" these things happen to us. I've been so angry and yelled and cursed and skipped church because I blamed him. And right about now I'm feeling like a total asshole, because all this time I've been angry that we had to wait. That we didn't get exactly what we wanted when we wanted it. And all this time I've been missing the miracles I've witnessed first hand. I don't know how I could have doubted when I know these miracles to be true. I know that it can happen. I've been contemplating not even trying because the chances were so low. And where is my faith in God then? Where is my belief that miracles can happen? How can I expect him to bring a miracle to us when I just go through the motions? My prayers haven't been from my heart and my joy and trust and faith haven't even been real. I waste so much time being so negative and so untrusting, and I haven't deserved the gifts he has. I feel like I have finally figured it out in my heart. That I know what I have to do and what I've been doing wrong. I won't say I won't be angry and upset if my tests come back less than perfect. But this time I won't lose my faith. This time I will trust that God has a reason, and that even if we do need IVF or even if we have to wait a while... God is going to bring us our heart's desire. And I can't be mad when I hear of other people's blessings. I can't be so selfish as to hope my friends don't get their little blessings. Because as hard as it is, I know God will bring us ours when it's time.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I'm feeling a little better today as I think we at least have a plan. I talked with Andy about getting his test results. He's so positive, and while I'm glad he is, I'm afraid he's going to get his little heart broken, and I don't want that. We're going to wait and see what the results are and formulate a definitive plan from there. I think if they are very bad we will consider IVF directly, and if they're not, we will give it a few more months. This also depends on the results of my test. I did a 24-hour urine test and if the results come back ok/better then we will be pretty comfortable with giving his medicine a little more time, but if it comes back worse then we're going to have to start ASAP. So many things rest on so many test results. I guess mine is really the biggest one for right now. It doesn't matter as much how good or bad Andy's tests come back if mine are bad. i'm so nervous, but I should have those back by the end of the week. I am hoping and praying they are better.

I just read a study about men with pituitary adenomas on Cabergoline (dostinex). It said that the majority of patients went completely back to normal within 6 months. This was pretty encouraging and I'm now thinking that if my kidneys say we have a little time then I'm ok to give it. The original cutoff date was July anyway, which would be 6 months. But I'm glad to know that Andy's at least open to discussion on moving it up if we both get crappy test results.

And at the VERY least, he's going to make an appointment and we'll have everything we need by the time he goes so that we can sit down with the RE and formulate a real plan. I'm going to try to coerce her into giving me femara so that we have a better chance at least from my side.

I'm driving myself insane. I just have to make it through this week toget my kidney tests back. I should've had results a month ago but I spoiled the test because I was terrified of bad results. It's time to be an adult and face the music, though. This week is going to be the slowest ever.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Waiting. The Story of One Woman's Struggle With Being Driven Insane by the Inability to Plan

Every day I find something new to worry about. Andy has an appointment on April 6th to have some more tests done. While I don't expect anything fantastic, I don't expect anything terrible. Whatever his results are.. I just want to know. Shortly after that I'm hoping to get an appointment with the RE. I want her to put me on medication or at the very least do actual tests to find out if I really ovulate. You'd think I do based on temping and such but I want to be 100% certain. And either way, I want meds. My thought process is that we can use all the help we can get, and if things aren't textbook (28 day cycle, day 14 O) and there is a way to make them textbook, we should do it.

I think there's a part of me that needs to have some control. I need to be DOING something in this process, and the worst part for me is that so much of it is a waiting game. Especially since waiting for Andy's medicine to work could take 6 months! I'm chomping at the bit to get started with a treatment. I feel like the chances of this happening naturally (sort of naturally.. I'm not sure how to count Andy's dostinex) are super slim right now. They're rising each month but I don't know by how much. I think I might go insane before we get his test results. We'll know by the April cycle though. That should start around the 24th of April and if we can get in to the doctor before then we could do something for that one! If not we'll have to wait until the May cycle, which is less than 2 months, but feels like an eternity away.

I'm going to have to take up more photography or watch more tv because letting my mind sit and dwell on things that I can't change is driving me batty. Waiting for results and to start treatment is the worst! I want my baby NOW lol. At least I'm feeling more positive about it. On April 6th we'll have an action plan. Keep trying on our own and tes again in July or try IUI. If we go the first route then in July we'll be trying IUI or moving on to IVF. Either way, I'll have a plan in a few weeks to take us through July, and then a plan to take me to delivering a baby. I need plans. I'd like to think I'm spontaneous but no. I have to plan things. How did I get so disorganized if I like to plan so much!?? I'm honestly ready to make a Vizio flow chart of what to do and when. Like a choose your own fertility adventure novel!!!!

I'm going to start meditating on the chant "I can make it until April 6th" lol.

Monday, March 22, 2010

There are some doctors (see: Lanham, who I'd been seeing for years regarding weird urinary issues, and diagnosed my kidney disease as "Maybe you're just weird") who make you think there is absolutely no hope, and you'd be better off treating yourself with snake oil and bloodletting than spending the money for the 15 minute visit. On the other hand, there are doctors who make you re-think your jaded view of the medical community, and give you hope and faith that good doctors who really care do still exist somewhere out there.

Andy's doctor, Dr. Fenig, is the latter. I spent the weekend trying not to think about the lack of medicines, and trying to deal with the slow progress Andy is making on the tumor-direct medicine alone. He was woken up this morning by Dr. Fenig, who called to tell us he was writing a letter to the insurance company on Andy's behalf to try to get medicines covered to help us. I was shocked when Andy told me. I can't believe he is going through all of this trouble for us. I'm terrified that Andy won't be able to get to "normal" without them. I know Dr. Fenig said he would, but he also trusted that we'd be able to take the steps he asked of us, so I don't know what will happen without the meds. I don't have a lot of time, as I've gone over about 15 times, so that scares me even more. I have all these "what ifs" running through my brain all the time, and Andy tries to help, but he's upset as well. He's feeling to blame for our problems, and I can tell him it's not his fault repeatedly, but he's still upset. He wants this baby too, and it's just... insanely frustrating for both of us that things keep happening to push it back. I'm on day 4. I don't know what things will be like in 2 weeks when it's time to try again, but I don't want to keep waiting. I thought I was doing everything right by getting us both to the doctor ahead of time. Somehow still I couldn't help the things that are happening to us. I hate not being in control of this situation. I HATE having to sit and wait and see if medicine helps, all the while my window closing down on me.

Every month that goes by drives me more and more insane because although we're "trying" it's not even a possibility. Every month gets harder and worse and all I want is to be able to try and have it .. just.. even POSSIBLY successful. Something has to change before I pull all of my hair out and go insane. I can't stand myself for as miserable as I've been lately. As emotional and bitchy as I've been with Andy. And not a single damn thing is my fault or his. So why is this happening? I can't begin to imagine what horrible things we must have done to deserve this. The health problems on top of not being able to conceive. All we want is a child of our own. Why is that so much to ask when drug addicts and convicts and child abusers can have them? WHY CANT WE???

Yep.. I'm in that mood again. I love Andy's doctor, but I hate just about everything else, and I'm losing it. My foundation is cracking and I'm crumbling already. I need something to go right for us. Please.
This post is from Friday, March 19:

Thank you, Aunt Flow, for awakening me unexpectedly this morning (although you were right on time!). My brand new, WHITE satin sheets and I enjoyed the cleaning efforts at 5AM after your wrath. I was supposed to be up at 5AM anyway, and part of me thinks this whole incident was to get me awake enough to stay up, but, as always, I came out on top in the sleep vs. no sleep game, and stayed in bed until 8. I'm regretting this now. I won't have time to get to the MVA to get my tags renewed and the flag off (that was actually cleared up last year anyway). I have to hope I don't get pulled over before I erase this mess from my record!I received a call from the doctor as soon as I got to work this morning. He didn't understand how ridiculous $186 dollars for the prescription was until I reminded him it was EVERY month indefinitely, and that I have kidney disease and my own things to pay for. The doctor decided to go with a new medication, which will help some aspects of the problem but not others. At least it's SOMETHING.

I'm getting my last bit of blood work from the high risk OB Monday. She mostly wanted to know if I was likely to develop more autoimmune diseases. I hope not! But it's best to find out so they know what to expect. Andy is getting more tests next week that should complete our baseline and we should know how to move forward.The good news for me is it seems last month's 40 day cycle was a fluke, which has happened once or twice before. This month was like clockwork. AF 14 days after ovulation. I'm a little concerned about all the pains I'm having in the area. They're not severe or anything, it's just sort of... there. I'm planning on making a regular OB appointment and seeing if she'll do an ultrasound so I know what's going on down there. I'm praying there are no cysts or aything.

Sometimes I wonder why all this stuff keeps happening, like.. maybe God is putting this stuff in the way because I'll die if I get pregnant or something! HOPE NOT! I'm sure I'm being irrational. I hope so!I don't know where we stand for April. I know Andy is definitely improving, but we probably won't be able to get in with the doctor before ovulation time, which should be about 17 days from now. She won't do anything without his test results, so if we are going to start with IUI it would be in May. Who knows, though? We might get lucky in April. I think I'm going to try soy this month and see if I ovulate earlier or get a real +OPK. I still think I ovulate, but I hope the OB will do some more tests to be sure!!Either way, we're moving along. Natural April cycle and we'll see in May. I don't know whether to go by O or by LMP because then we'd still be on March, but by O we'd be in April. I don't know. And only time will tell, but I'm getting tired of dealing with the obstacles insurance is posing. STOP BEING ASSHOLES, AETNA!

UPDATE: New medication was DENIED. Surprised? Me either.
I discovered that I posted two posts on the wrong blog, so I'm going to post them again here.

This is from last Thursday, March 18:

So as it turns out, all of this positivity has gotten me nowhere. The insurance company lied about the meds. It's not "either free or 30 dollars". It's $186 EVERY month indefinitely, and we can't afford it. So DH won't be getting his meds and I guess we won't be getting our baby.EFF EVERYTHING.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Water. Lots of Water.

Copious amounts of water (and/or tea) leads to rude middle-of-the-night awakenings. Just one more thing I can only hope baby appreciates. I'm really trying to get healthy! Last night I forwent House for a dip in the pool... or a 45 minute deep water jog session, as it were (Ok, that was all for me. I love the water). i'm currently eating home made fried rice when there are chicken cheese steaks downstairs with gloppy cheese and mayo! It's ok, though, 'cause my body is a soon-to-be home for a mini human and I need to support her the best that I can! I have actually had a serving of vegetables today, and it's only 1:30. The other day I had 3 servings of fruits (who am I!?).

Alright, alright. It's not ALL for baby. It will be cool to wear whatever I want and not get winded walking up one flight of stairs. But most importantly, I need to be healthy for baby's health, and, by default, my health. I want to be a good role model, too. I don't want my child growing up seeing mommy eating fast food all the time and sitting on the couch with bags of cheese curls. I plan to enroll in some sort of mommy-and-me tumbling class when my baby is old enough. I want to start with the RIGHT habits right away, and that starts with me. Right now.

I don't know how long it will take DH to be able to be considered "fertile". I did hear that the HCG spikes testosterone 2 hours after taking it (holy fast, batman!) and that it is gone within 48. I guess that's why he is taking it every other day.. to keep his testosterone at a high enough level at all times that he can start producing more testosterone on an even keel. With that said, I don't know if we're going to be able to give April a shot or not. AF should be coming in the next few days, and then 17-19 days later, O, so if we ge tthe HCG by the end of the week we'll have about 2 1/2 weeks of it before then. I'm REALLY hoping we get to give April a good ol' college try, but if we're not quite there yet, at least I'll have been working on my nutrition and health and ready to keep it going. I think as I lose weight and get more water and better nutrition, I might have a better, more distinct ovulation. I'm terrified that we'll get Andy up to par and then there will be something wrong with me. Hopefully this helps.

I have to admit it's driving me insane thinking about trying in April and not being able to. I want this child more than anything. I'm having a bad day, but I'm definitely getting depressed thinking that it'll be October, November, December, and I still won't be pregnant and my friends will (not that I don't want them to be, I just want ME to be, too!). And I know that Andy should start getting better right away, and that we put this July timeframe on IVF (which I kind of want to push back to August now that he's got a new medication), which, although scary, has a high success rate... I just... I'm scared. I will do anything to have this baby. There have been times when I thought I couldn't lose weight or that I didn't want to do an HSG... right now I don't care. I just want my baby, and I know that losing weight and getting healthy is going to help. If Andy can give himself shots in the leg every other day, I can say no to fatty, caloric foods. We're both doing our part. I'm hoping and praying and WORKING for this baby. I want her here as soon as possible. I'm still hoping for April or May or June. We'll do what we can, and until then, keep working towards the best possible me.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I can't be completely sure that this is the reason, but ever since I've been feeling better and thinking more positively about everything, my "luck" has greatly improved.

My insurance has a policy that you have to have been trying to conceive (TTC) for a year before they'll pay for anything, and 2 for IVF. I was concerned about this because of my kidneys, but when I applied, they didn't ask me about any extenuating circumstances and we were denied. I wasn't super worried about it because my RE's office was confident they could help, but when it ended up being Andy that needed the help (HCG injections) I started to get worried. I didn't think it would be covered at all, so I thought we could at least get it covered under infertility, so I called Aetna to try to enroll in the program again and they said to fax over medical information so I had the urologist do that. We got the news about the HCG being covered so I sort of forgot about it. Well, I just got a call from Aetna that they overturned the denial!!! We are approved, and I just need to call and get the enrollment number! This is a HUGE weight off. We're going to be trying for the next few months, but if, for some reason, things don't improve and we need IVF, it'll be much easier. We won't have been trying for 2 years, but they'll see that we're already enrolled in the program at least, and they already know there are serious issues. I have so much faith in this HCG, but I'm still happy to be making progress on any front we can!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Good News About Insurance? What's That?

A minor miracle occurred today. Aetna was giving me a bit of run-around about Andy's HCG injections. They were telling me it's an infertility medication for women and only covered for IVF and such (which you may remember from an earlier post). I called the Dr. to have them fax over records, but there was a communication mixup, and he didn't actually get the message until Yesterday. They called this morning (which is a miracle in and of itself) to say they had faxed the info to Aetna. Great! Well, an hour or so later they called back to tell us they had called Aetna to make sure they'd gotten the fax, and it was already approved (admittedly, it scares me a bit, because my thoughts keep roaming in the land of "Wow... his tests must be really, really bad for an insurance company to approve it this fast" since they have an actual nurse look over everything [and then I remembered it's an insurance company, and the possibility of them actually giving a rat's @$$ is miniscule])!! We can't use the pharmacy the urologist wanted, and they had to cover it under a weird plan because it's such a rare use for the medication. It's covered under medical, not insurance, so since we don't have a deductible, it should either be 30 dollars or FREE according to the woman from Aetna. That's amazing!! And, he's approved for an entire year, so we don't have to go through this every month. I have to have the Dr. fax over the prescription and then they'll call Andy to schedule delivery.

My feelings on this are extremely positive. I have been feeling like "This is IT. This is going to work!". It scares me to feel this way because I know if it doesn't it'll be even more disappointing, but I just feel like we're on the road to recovery. It may take a few more things but at least we're about to take a HUGE step in the right direction. Andy's not excited about giving himself the injections (they're intramuscular, but he's just anxious about doing it himself), but he's such a trooper.

I'm also happy because I've been praying for some peace about this situation for a very long time. Since before I started the prednisone. I've been so uncomfortable with putting things off, and then finding out we were screwed anyway. Of course I pray about actually conceiving the baby, but I'd also been just hoping for some strength to work through it and deal. I know there will be down days. There have been plenty, but for now I am just excited and ready to get on with the next step. I'm looking forward to April.

Also, since I can't seem to get the doctor to help me determine if I actually ovulate, (yes, she says I do, and my temps and.. other things say I do [like I get Mittleschmertz], but she never did a P4!) I am thinking of taking soy just to see if I feel any different on it. We'll see how that goes. For now I'm in the 2wwfaf (2 week wait for af) because barring a miracle, March didn't happen. April's a great month to get a bfp!

Monday, March 8, 2010

And Baby Makes... a good bike riding partner!

I've been so much more positive about this journey the last few days. It helps when Andy's positive, and it helps when we make progress. Month 1 TTC is a bust for reasons I won't go into, and I'm disappointed, but still hopeful for next month. I know that at some point it will be difficult to remain positive. But I think that after 4 months of not even being able to give it a shot, it's nice just to know we're on the road.

My mom told me Saturday that she thinks I'm going to get pregnant in July. She has no idea why she thinks this, but it's funny because I said the same thing to Andy once. I think it's reasonable. If I ever hear backfrom anyone, Andy will have had 3.5 months of HCG, and I'll have about 4 months to lose weight. I hope it doesn't coincide with our plan to switch to IVF in July. I hope that we find out we're pregnant before we begin the IVF cycle. I hope when we do our tests prior to making the decision to switch we find that everything is at an acceptable place for us to continue TTC naturally or with minimal medical procedures. Again, we're only thinkin about IVF so soon because I need to be back on my meds and Andy has severe issues, but I don't want IVF. And I'm still thankful that the Dr. said he disagrees with my doctor about us needing it!

But I digress. It would be awesome to find out we were pregnant in July. then our baby would be born just in time for baseball season! It's weird that both my mom and I thought of that independently. I also feel like there have been answers to my "Please help me to be calm about the whole thing" prayers, because I've been doing much better.

I'm back on the weight loss wagon, too. The weather has been amazing lately and I am planning on buying a bike soon. This is the one I want:

I feel like a pre-teen for being so excited about bike riding, but I really do like it a lot. When I have the baby, I want to get one of the baby carts so he (or she) can go on bike rides with me. I want my baby to love nature and being outside as much as I do. And I want to start early so baby doesn't end up overweight like mommy and daddy! I'd like to lose 50 pounds in the 4 months before my mom thinks I'll get pregnant. It's a lofty goal, but I can do anything.

Friday, March 5, 2010

This morning was Andy's appointment with the Urologist. And because we really needed more drama in our lives, they gave us crap about how our appointment had been rescheduled (funny... we never got a call! One would think they would notify you when you drive 40 minutes to an appointment that has been changed!). We convinced them to let us see the doctor.

We got some good news and some not-so-good news. Andy's prolactin is back to normal! Yay! but the doctor wants to put him on self-injectables to regulate some other things. Getting insurance to approve the medication is very difficult though. Dr. Fenig is awesome, and doesn't code anything as fertility, but my insurance company doesn't have the medicine listed as anything BUT fertility. Seriously? Has NO ONE ever had this issue before? And they also won't cover injectible medications except for IVF (Andy is not getting IVF. If anyone did, it would be me and I'm not either yet.). This doesn't make any sense since guys don't get put on injectibles for IVF. The girl I was talking to didn't read it right either, because people with PCOS ARE covered for injectibles. But anyway, they're giving me the runaround about this medication which Andy NEEDS to have, fertility issues or not. So I'm trying to have the doctor submit a pre-determination explaining that it's not for fertility so it's covered. I'm also re-applying for the fertility program now that we know about the tumor so that if it can only go under fertility, we can still get a discount. My doctor thinks they'll approve me because even though we haven't been trying 2 years, there's absolutely no way for us to get pregnant without medical intervention, so I will make sure they know that, and Dr. Fenig agreed to submit forms to them explaining it all. He also said that he'll tell the insurance company that if they will only code it under fertility that it's just as expensive to use other drugs for the same thing. GO DR. FENIG!

We'll see what happens over the next week or so, but there's just no reason we shouldn't get SOME coverage for this since it's medically necessary. We may have to fight for it though. I did already call the Dr. so he knows to submit a pre-determination like they asked for. I think he may have put one on there anyway, but either way, we'll get it worked out in the next week.

One really good piece of information came out of it though. I told him that My RE, Dr. Timmreck, had been very negative and told us that even if we get Andy's testosterone up that we'd probably still need IVF. He said he disagrees. He said "We're going to get you fixed". He said that the first appointment and he's still saying it, and I don't know what it is about him but I believe him. Of course I'm still worried about me and whether or not I ovulate, but if I do, and these shots do their job, we'll be REALLY leveling the playing field!

I dunno.. I'm still sort of frustrated, and sad for Andy. He kept making the cutest but saddest pouty face. I wish he didn't have to deal with all this, but I'm just going to have to be there for him like he's been there for me with my kidneys. He keeps saying he'll do whatever he has to.

I really wish this process was easier for us, but I know when we're smiling down at our new little one it'll all be worth it. I just hope it's soon!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

When Peeing On A Stick is Actually Fun

I'm getting more used to the whole.. bring cups to work to pee in gig, and was quite pleased this morning as something FINALLY showed up on my pee stick! I know I'm a late ovulator, but I was getting impatient. Alas, the line was extremely faint, and I will be testing twice a day for the next few days. I expect to ovulate on Saturday, but my beautiful little sticks will tell. I should take a moment to thank my body for waiting until the weekend, but I'm still a little mad at it for upsetting me earlier this week.

Either way, it looks like tomorrow is the big day. Attempt number 1 at combining sperm and egg into a beautiful baby Sterlachini. This day has been a long time coming, and I won't be completely satisfied until it has passed. Things keep happening that are forcing us to push back dates, and I don't want to get my hopes up too much.

If I'm correct in my calculations (there was definitely a faint line so if it gets darker when I get home I'll know for sure it's coming) I will be testing on 3/20. I'm preparing myself for a BFN. As much as it will suck, I'm ok because I know it can take some time. I just get nervous that with my PCOS and Andy's tumor it'll take ages and my kidneys will "go" before then. I keep telling myself that it's all alright and things will happen in God's timing. Miraculously that has been helping lately. I'm still not feeling the pressure of "Must have baby NOW". At least not constantly. Of course I want it now, but I'm able to realize that we have great doctors and things are getting in line, so if it doesn't happen right away, it could shortly thereafter. I still get spurts of freak-out, but not as often as I was prior to a few days ago.

What I'm finding weird lately is that I'm nauseated every day at various times and extremely emotional. I told Andy "If this is what I'm like when I'm NOT pregnant, I feel SO bad for you when I am!".

Andy's doctor's appointment is tomorrow. We will finally know if the medicine is working and the prolactin is being suppressed! It's been an agonizing wait and I'm so ready to have at least 1 solid answer.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Going With The Flow

I'm freaking out just a tiny bit today. My temps have risen pretty high, and I'm afraid that we may have missed our window this month. I usually expect ovulation to occur on CD 17 or 19. There is a possibiilty my body has been textbook-perfect this month, however. I will be sort of pissed, since this would be the first time in 15 months of charting that that happened. I'm hoping my temp will go back down tomorrow. I was really expecting a Thursday-Friday-Saturday window and I'm really hoping that's still the case. It's strange, though... a few days I could actually feel pressure where my ovaries are, like they were swelling up. I have not had the tell-tale twinges and cramps in that area, however, so I know I technically haven't ovulated, but if I do today I'm going to be mad.

On the other hand, I've felt a bit more at peace this month. Waves of calm keep passing over me, and during these waves, I'm hearing things like "It's ok if it doesn't happen this month" and "Why are you so upset? Your husband will be fine soon, and you'll have your baby". It's strange, and I don't feel like I'm saying it to myself. I know that if I miss this month, it's not too terrible, because our chances are so low anyway, and that next month we should have a much greater shot, but it's still disappointing. Although we may not have missed it anyway. Either way, it's nice to be a little calmer about the whole thing. I have a rush because of my kidneys, but I feel like I'm putting more pressure on myself than there needs to be.

We have Andy's appointment Friday. I am so stoked to see how his hormones are responding to the treatment. Part of me is nervous, but any improvement is good, and if it's not improving and we have to go to a neurosurgeon... well, we'll get results faster anyway. I guess that's a positive, though I know Andy's not excited about the surgery thing. We'll see what happens. For now I'm just trying to be calm and let things happen as they will. It's nice.