This is not so much a fertility post as a spiritual post.

For the last... wow. Year? Two?... almost as long as I can vividly remember, I've been doubtful. Because I've been so unhappy. My family has had a difficult few years. In July of 2008 my dad got very sick. He went to the hospital with horrible pains in his back and they sent him home and told him to use a heating pad, despite my parents begging for an MRI. They ended up going back and forcing the hospital to do the MRI and they found a spinal abscess and sent him into emergency surgery. He came out alive. Thank God.

In November of 2008 my mom went to the doctor because she'd been having pains she thought were indigestion. They did a scan of her heart and found a near-total blockage in one of the main arteries. She went to the hospital immediately and miraculously got a stent put in. She was told she could have had a heart attack at any time, and it would have killed her. She hasn't had any problems since.

In January of 2009 I met Dr. Choi for the first time. I had been diagnosed with IGA Nephropathy the previous September, and he finally got to sit me down and explain what it meant and how it would affect me. Over the next few months we tried medications but found out they weren't helping and my kidney function was declining. Fast. He wanted to put me on steroid therapy, and with my wedding coming up and us wanting to try for a baby I was terrified. He said that without it, he couldn't guarantee me 5 years before I needed a transplant. So I did the treatment and found out in December of 2009 that my kidneys were stable. I go back for a followup from 6 weeks after the end of treatment this week.

In December of 2009 we did blood work on my husband and found out that his hormones were off. An MRI revealed in January of this year that he had a tumor on his pituitary. Further testing showed it would be impossible for us to have a baby without medical inervention. We were scared because Dr. Choi had told us to have a baby right away. We found a Dr. for Andy who started him on Dostinex, which is working. The hormones secreted by his tumor are back to normal, and the suppressed testosterone is getting higher. He goes back for more testing and to see if the tumor has shrunk next month.

We don't have any certanties right now. My kidneys might not be fully stable. Andy might not go back to "normal" like his doctor has promised. But I know this.

My dad would have died from a heating pad on a spinal abscess. My cousin had a hunch that it was not just muscle pain and made him go back to get the MRI. My dad is still alive, and that's a miracle.

My mom would have died from a blockage in her heart if she hadn't finally decided to see a doctor. I think her artery was 99% blocked, but she didn't have a heart attack. My mom is still alive and that's a miracle.

Andy and I are still waiting, but last time we checked my kidneys had vastly improved, and his tumor had vastly improved, and I don't know if I'd call thos miracles, but we're so lucky.

And all this time I've been so mad at God for "letting" these things happen to us. I've been so angry and yelled and cursed and skipped church because I blamed him. And right about now I'm feeling like a total asshole, because all this time I've been angry that we had to wait. That we didn't get exactly what we wanted when we wanted it. And all this time I've been missing the miracles I've witnessed first hand. I don't know how I could have doubted when I know these miracles to be true. I know that it can happen. I've been contemplating not even trying because the chances were so low. And where is my faith in God then? Where is my belief that miracles can happen? How can I expect him to bring a miracle to us when I just go through the motions? My prayers haven't been from my heart and my joy and trust and faith haven't even been real. I waste so much time being so negative and so untrusting, and I haven't deserved the gifts he has. I feel like I have finally figured it out in my heart. That I know what I have to do and what I've been doing wrong. I won't say I won't be angry and upset if my tests come back less than perfect. But this time I won't lose my faith. This time I will trust that God has a reason, and that even if we do need IVF or even if we have to wait a while... God is going to bring us our heart's desire. And I can't be mad when I hear of other people's blessings. I can't be so selfish as to hope my friends don't get their little blessings. Because as hard as it is, I know God will bring us ours when it's time.


Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.