There are some doctors (see: Lanham, who I'd been seeing for years regarding weird urinary issues, and diagnosed my kidney disease as "Maybe you're just weird") who make you think there is absolutely no hope, and you'd be better off treating yourself with snake oil and bloodletting than spending the money for the 15 minute visit. On the other hand, there are doctors who make you re-think your jaded view of the medical community, and give you hope and faith that good doctors who really care do still exist somewhere out there.

Andy's doctor, Dr. Fenig, is the latter. I spent the weekend trying not to think about the lack of medicines, and trying to deal with the slow progress Andy is making on the tumor-direct medicine alone. He was woken up this morning by Dr. Fenig, who called to tell us he was writing a letter to the insurance company on Andy's behalf to try to get medicines covered to help us. I was shocked when Andy told me. I can't believe he is going through all of this trouble for us. I'm terrified that Andy won't be able to get to "normal" without them. I know Dr. Fenig said he would, but he also trusted that we'd be able to take the steps he asked of us, so I don't know what will happen without the meds. I don't have a lot of time, as I've gone over about 15 times, so that scares me even more. I have all these "what ifs" running through my brain all the time, and Andy tries to help, but he's upset as well. He's feeling to blame for our problems, and I can tell him it's not his fault repeatedly, but he's still upset. He wants this baby too, and it's just... insanely frustrating for both of us that things keep happening to push it back. I'm on day 4. I don't know what things will be like in 2 weeks when it's time to try again, but I don't want to keep waiting. I thought I was doing everything right by getting us both to the doctor ahead of time. Somehow still I couldn't help the things that are happening to us. I hate not being in control of this situation. I HATE having to sit and wait and see if medicine helps, all the while my window closing down on me.

Every month that goes by drives me more and more insane because although we're "trying" it's not even a possibility. Every month gets harder and worse and all I want is to be able to try and have it .. just.. even POSSIBLY successful. Something has to change before I pull all of my hair out and go insane. I can't stand myself for as miserable as I've been lately. As emotional and bitchy as I've been with Andy. And not a single damn thing is my fault or his. So why is this happening? I can't begin to imagine what horrible things we must have done to deserve this. The health problems on top of not being able to conceive. All we want is a child of our own. Why is that so much to ask when drug addicts and convicts and child abusers can have them? WHY CANT WE???

Yep.. I'm in that mood again. I love Andy's doctor, but I hate just about everything else, and I'm losing it. My foundation is cracking and I'm crumbling already. I need something to go right for us. Please.