It's 2:00PM and I'm currently waiting for the call from our nurse. I'm not sure what I expect to hear from her aside from "You need to see a regular Endo". The thing that's driving me the most insane about it is that I've discovered it takes 6-8 weeks for lab tests to show changes in TSH after you start medicine. Which means we'd definitely be out next cycle. I can't deal with that. At bare minimum that puts us doing our first IUI with the cycle that starts at the end of August. Why is this happening?  Pieces of me think it's because God just doesn't want us to have a child... and 2 more months will give my kidneys time to crap out. But I don't want to think that way and I refuse to. I believe that God wants us to have this baby. Sometimes it's hard. Maybe he wants us to get pregnant on our own and we do this month or July. I don't know how likely it is that we conceive on our own. Once I start these meds I have no reason to think there's anything wrong with me. There could be a blockage or something which I guess we'll figure out later. Andy's doing better... but is it really possible? I don't know.

Andy had a bit of a meltdown today on the phone about it. He's terrified of having to do IVF. He thinks it will ruin us financially (1 IVF would be about 6500 since we have insurance). I tried to tell him that's ridiculous, but he's too down to listen to reason. He's terrified of losing me to my kidney disease. He's scared of not having a baby, and he's losing his faith that things will work. He doesn't understand why we have to have another problem when for some people it's so easy. Why we have to wait another cycle or 2 or 3. I've never understood my husband's feelings more profoundly than I did during that conversation, and chances are he feels the same. And it was my turn to tell him everything was going to be ok. To be positive and tell him we don't have any reason to think the IUIs won't work. I think I helped him but I can't stand to see him feel that way. I wish I could've hugged him but I couldn't, and with our schedules I probably won't see him for more than an hour between now and Monday night. I'm going to NC for the weekend.

I don't understand why all of this is happening. I don't get why it can be "so easy" for some people but we have to hit road block after road block after road block. It took 6 months for my kidneys. It took 6 months for Andy's tumor. We have no idea how long this will take. And it doesn't make sense that some people have to have it so, so hard. But all that is in my power to do is keep praying. Keep thinking that God just wants to give us the right little one at the right time and this just isn't it. And it's so hard to do but I have to.

Andy is forcing me to get my kidney function test done next Sunday. I hate these tests and I'm terrified of the results. I'm scared to hear "Your creatinine climbed back up to 1.25". I'm... feeling my stomach turning in knots while I wait on the verdict of all of this. But as Andy says... we need to know. I'll never understand why this has to be so difficult for us. Why we're constantly under the rubble trying to dig out and never standing on steady ground. I can't remember what it feels like to not feel scared and anxious. But now that I've seen how Andy's worry hurts me, I can't let mine hurt him like that anymore. We have to know that something is going to work and we're going to have this baby. I don't know how to do that but we have to.