I've been feeling very emotional lately and I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings about this month. this continues today, but in a slightly different light. I'm excited again as I've realized a few things.

a) I'm an idiot. Andy's medicine for his tumor was supposed to have him "normalize" in 6 months. So we did a 2nd SA in June. JULY is 6 months. Oops. At the last one everything was very close to normal but his morphology was low. There is a very good chance things have gotten even better at this point. And though his morphology was low, it was on Kruger, and a lot of places are now saying 6% is closer to normal than 15%. Either way, we were a month early, so who knows - it could be better. At our IUI consult she said he was closer to normal than not, so that's good.

b) It's good that this TSH thing has been discovered. A lot of women conceive immediately after starting thyroid meds. Since we've found no other issues with me, maybe this was holding us back? And if nothing else, it's good we found it so that our baby is safe!

c) Being upset about people's pregnancies is ridiculous. Normal, sure, and I'm sure I will feel it later, too, but I'm realizing that other people getting pregnant has nothing to do with me. Someone else being pregnant doesn't exclude me from joining the club. I'm not going to not get pregnant because someone else is. And there's no reason to race. Why do I need to be first? Maybe I can benefit from my friends going through pregnancy and labor before me. I 'll have someone to ask questions that has been through it more recently than 29 years ago like my mom!

I'm worried, first and foremost, because of my kidneys. While that's a total pain in the ass, I don't know what's going to happen. I can keep getting them monitored and move onto IVF if we get to a point where we're just not comfortable. But right now all I can do is what I can do to help, and I haven't even been so good at that. I'll get another test done and see if it's about the same or not. I hope and pray it is, but if not we'll do IVF. Either way we're going to do everything we can to have this child and no amount of worrying or obsessing is going to change what's going to happen. All it can do is make me miserable in the mean time.