Baby shower shopping is not fun for an infertile. I went to Babies R Us and couldn't help but get a little sucked in. I watched people making registries and women with perfect little baby bumps perusing the aisles with teeny tiny outfits in hand. I just... walked. I kept seeing things I wanted to at closer, but I didn't have a reason to and I didn't want to torture myself further, so I stuck to the registry, picked out what I wanted, and left. I went with a "bath" theme, and bought one of the baskets she wanted and filled it with adorable baby robes and towels, bedtime soap and lotion, and then a little ducky sleeper thing with ducks for feet. It was very cute, and it made me a little sad. My coworker has been complaining lately that she's not ready.. that she should've waited, etc. And I'm really not the person she should be talking with about that. But I don't feel so bad because even one of her mommy friends noticed it and said she got herself into the position. It's not that she's not happy... but... if she wants to complain about getting pregnant too fast, I'm just the wrong person to tell.

Still, the baby shower will be nice, and I hope she likes what I picked out. I'm throwing her work baby shower, too, and I'm excited for that now that more people are coming. It's still hard to talk about constantly, but I'm still hopeful that I'll be going through IVF soon and having my own.

I've decided I have to really work on my diet. I need to do everything I can to up my chances of conceiving, and of my prednisone working. I think losing weight will definitely help. I haven't weighted myself in a while, but I know I've been eating horribly, and if I don't want to put on another 30 pounds like last time, I need to start paying attention. I don't think I weigh more than when I started it, but still.. I need to LOSE for the IVF. I think hearing the meds aren't working yet gave me a little of "What's the use?" but I know I can't have that attitude. I know I can help myself by eating better and exercising. It should help my hormones, my blood sugar, and put less strain on my kidneys. So Monday I'm back at it! And going to the damn gym! I am doing another 24 hour urine soon and I want good news this time, so I have to do what I can to help.

This whole process is driving me insane, but it's too early to give up hope. I have to help my body help itself, and that's what I am going to do.