I haven't been as obsessed with babies the last few months. I suppose it was because we were only sort-of trying, and I was 99% sure nothing would happen. Plus I was so involved in my anxiety I didn't really want to think about it. I suppose one blessing (or curse?) of my new medication is that I feel a little more like me again, which means... I'm obsessed. Again. It's driving me insane not to be trying. And for this month, though I'll be charting, we'll be TTA. I hate that. But when I went to the endocrinologist she brought up a good point about the prednisone and my insane blood sugar that I honestly hadn't thought much of. My sugar has been spiking up to 350 which is terrible. It's all prednisone-related, but I'll be cutting my dose in 1/3 over the next two months, so that should chill my blood sugar.

I have a baby shower to go to in December, and I'm planning a work shower for a good friend. So far I've been really enjoying it, and I hope that attitude continues. I just keep trying to think that her being pregnant doesn't mean I won't get to be at some point. It seems like a silly thing to have to remind myself of, but sometimes that's how it feels. At least in December we will be doing somthing - a testing cycle. I think anyway. I don't know why she wouldn't do it since they will accept those results for a year, and we should be going forward in January or February. I don't know how my protein is, but I don't think it's low enough yet. This is gross, but I am still getting foamy urine, which means there is still protein. Now it might have dropped, but I don't think it'll have dropped quite enough. That's OK because I want to lose some more weight and work on my behavioral therapy for the OCD some more. It's hard waiting but I know it's best.

I managed to sit Andy down and talk to him a while the other night about all of this. I'm glad he's so positive, but sometimes I think he just assumes we'll just.. do the IVF, have a perfect baby, end of story. While I am hopeful that that's the case, it is possible the IVF won't work. My kidney disease also raises the chances of pre-eclampsia quite a bit. The chances of pre-term delivery are very high for me, and I could be on bed rest. I wanted to make sure he knew that I'm complicated, and even in the best case, this isn't going to be like everyone else's pregnancy journey. He insisted that he understood, that he's ready, and that he's excited. I know he wants this baby, but I know that he's said he could survive if he didn't have one, so I wanted to be sure he wants to deal with everything. I don't think he really understands how all of this works, but I also don't think he admits just how much he wants to have a baby. I've seen him shed a tear over it, which means he wants it more than he thinks he does. His defense mechanism is firmly in place, but I'm hoping things work out so we can be at least a little less stressed than I'm thinking we will be.

To show how excited I am about gearing up for the upcoming appointment (AH TUESDAY!) and IVF cycle, I've been looking at baby stuff again. I've decided that, much to my mom's chagrin, I want a pack-n-play with a co-sleeping insert, so I can keep my baby next to me for the first month or so. I also want a glider rocker for the baby's room. and I'm re-thinking my cloth diapering. Andy doesn't have any interest in those sorts of decisions, so I have free rein. I think he'll have more to say once our child is conceived, but for now I'm enjoying picking things out. I've designed the nursery in my head, too.

I really hope my kidneys cooperate and the IVF works. I hope our insurance covers it (they mentioned again the whole '2 years duration and trying using other covered methods thing, but I think if the RE talks to them we might be able to convince them that in our case, IVF makes more sense than IUI) and I hope we don't have any serious problems. I'm so excited for all of this stuff to start.. I just hate waiting to get it started!

Also, I plan to put my kid in this if it's a boy ASAP. I love sharks. And look at the little hat!!!