I got approval to do the HSG, and since it's Day 1 of my cycle, I called my nurse to see if we could schedule it for this month. She might want to get the document from the doctor first, but I got it in an email so I could show it to her. I want this over with! Unfortunately, there was one more interesting tidbit in the email:

"I am not sure we will see a great response with the urine protein, but my fingers are crossed."

 WTF? Why would he add that in there? I guess because I sounded very positive in my email saying "We will start WHEN the protein goes down". Yes, Dr., I know it might not work. You've never said it would, and I know that you can't guarantee anything, but you also don't have to re-open a wound and throw salt in it. I'm trying to be hopeful here. But now I'm thinking "Well sure it worked last time, but maybe changing up the protocol was a bad thing! Maybe we should've done it the same way again!". I thought higher sustained doses would be better. So far it's not... what if it was stupid to change it up!?

So then I go on to think "Ok, so my insane blood sugar, constant needles and finger-pricking, extra-hairy face (because it wasn't hairy enough already), and fucked up periods are all for NOTHING?". I'm TRYING not to think that way because I know it's possible it will work. I know it took a long time last time. I know he has hope. But... I just don't need to be reminded that it might not. Why would he add that in there? Perhaps he thought I wasn't depressed enough about the situation? I just needed a little extra reminder that I might never have a child.

The problem is, I really don't know where to go after this. Do we give up and try on our own for a little while? Do we find a new RE who might be willing to help us? Do we try another 6-month kidney program? Because the first two haven't been hard enough? I don't need to make another tough decision like this. I want something to work out right so I don't have to choose between sucky and suckier.

So, of course, I texted Andy. I expected him to be asleep since it was pre-8AM, but he was up, and he called me right away. He said that my doctor is great at doctoring, but not at.. people-ing. That he understands that he wants me to know this isn't guaranteed, but the way he says it is very negative, and that we already know, so he really doesn't need to say it again. He promised me we'd have a baby together with all the faith and hope of someone who hasn't been going through infertility for over a year. And he's either a fantastic actor or he really believes it. I love my husband.

I was telling myself this morning that we'd start the adoption process if I wasn't pregnant by 32. I turned 30 Nov. 22, so that's 2 years from now. Even if we do go through another 6 month treatment, that'll give us over a year to try IVF cycles, trying on our own.. whatever we want. I know 2 years is going to fly by, and hopfully I'll have a baby way before then. But at that point, after 3 years of dealing with IF, I think it'll be time. I'll have tried everything there is to try (since I'm going to IVF the second I can).

Before I jump that far ahead of myself, however, I do have some plans. I have said before that I can't sit here and complain if I'm not doing everything I can for myself. And Andy can't promise me we'll get our baby if he's not doing everything he can. And we have a lot we can work on. Whether we go IVF or natural, we both have weight to lose. And if I can get under 230, I have another RE who is willing to help me. But either way, losing weight might help my fertility, so I HAVE to get back on my diet. I need to anyway, because I need to be 271 to do the IVF. I should be exercising, too. I should be taking my fish oil for my kidneys and I'm not doing a very good job. So I need to take that correctly. I need tot ake my cholesterol meds right, too, so they actually help me. I need to look into LDL apheresis too, since it can help so much while I'm not on meds. Normalizing my cholesterol is a big thing, so I'm going to see a cardiologist. And Andy needs to take his vitamins and stop complaining about it. Some of them can improve his count and morphology, and I'm going to force them down his throat if I have to. He wants this baby, and with everything I'm going through, he can take some damn vitamins. And he needs to get on the healthy eating train, too, so tonight we're going to sit down and talk about all the things we need to do to make this happen.

Finally, we're doing to do it. A lot. If I get this HSG, we'll know my tubes are clear, and that is the last hurdle. With all my other hormones in check, I should be able to get pregnant. We just need his boys to get there somehow. I get super tired and not in the mood a lot 'cause of my meds, but it's just too bad.

So that's it. Yes, I'm wallowing a little and upset. And still hoping to go to IVF in early 2011. But I have backup plans, too. Lose weight, try naturally in the mean time, get my cholesterol under control, get my HSG, get Andy on vitamins... there's a lot more I could be doing, and it's about damn time I do it. I'm taking my life back into my own hands. I WILL MAKE THIS PREDNISONE WORK! I WILL MAKE MY KIDNEYS WORK! Everything I'm referring to will help my kidneys AND the baby process. So.. whether we do IVF (YES WE WILL!) or we get pregnant naturally, I WILL HAVE A BIOLOGICAL BABY!