Well I'm definitely depressed today. I called the RE last night to make sure they had talked to the OB about the kidney plan. They had talked, and are pretty much at "We'll pick back up when your kidneys improve". The problem is, my nephrologist wants to do the IVF RIGHT AWAY once my kidneys have improved, so I want to be ready. But it's like the RE doesn't even want to talk to me. I just want to get any testing and insurance issues out of the way so we can be ready as soon as we hear a number the OB likes on my protein. I don't know if I should push to talk to them or just wait? I know she doesn't want to move forward yet... I just want to have all my ducks in a row because we might not have much time once my kidneys align to get this process done. And what if we never get there? Ugh it sucks. I'm having trouble looking at my pregnant coworker. I HATE that the RE won't help unless the OB tells her to. We are infertile... the likelihood of us getting pregnant without her is slim... and especially in a healthy timeframe for me. If she says no I'm SCREWED and I hate that my life is dependent on other people's opinions. I should be allowed to decide for myself what to do.
I hate that it's hard to be around pregnant women and I dread pregnancy announcements. Why did we have to have kidney problems on top of infertility? If it was infertility without kidneys I could at least just look forward to IVF and not have this stupid window of time and have to wait for a doctor to decide I'm ALLOWED to have a baby. If it was just the kidneys I could just get pregnant on my own and take good care of myself. I'd be high risk but at least I'd have a shot. Why both? I know it doesn't help to ask why and I'll never get an answer but I just want to be a mom. I want a biological child.. I want the chance to feel my baby moving around inside me and it's not fair that I might not get that. I know.. it's not fair to everyone who might not, but I'm feeling it a lot right now. I don't mind.. I'd give anything to just go to IVF... it used to be a big fear and now I WELCOME it with open arms.. I just want the chance to try to have a baby. I want my kidneys to cooperate long enough for it... please, God let my kidneys improve so I can do IVF a few times and hopefully have a biological baby. I've given up so much of my life and my self and my mood to just survive the last few years. Please.. I deserve this so much... I deserve to have a baby of my own.
EDIT: I spoke to the nurse at my RE's office again. Apparently they were not aware of our plan to jump to IVF. The nurse consulted with the actual RE who said she she knows that I know we still have to wait for my kidneys to level out and completely understands my sense of urgency in getting all of my testing and insurance concerns put to rest ASAP. She is fully aware of the short timeframe and apparently had thought we were still planning IUI so that's why they didn't understand what I wanted to talk about since I didn't need to do anything further for IUI. I have a real IVF consult on 11/09. YAY! I'm going to start filing with my insurance then and see if we can get approved. I'm so glad she understands and wants to meet with us about our next steps! At least I can have a plan and take some time to convince my insurance if I need to. We have the money for it already. Now I just have to wait on my kidneys! I'm making progress!!!
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