Some days, when I look at my life right now, I get depressed and wonder "why me?". I've spent $300 on (non-pregnancy-related) medications in the last month, and I feel like I'm just way too young to be doing this. I had to use the insulin pen this weekend, and, as always, I'm battling the OCD anxiety. I'm in a lot of pain physically as well. I get a lot of pain in the abdominal area on the right side, and in my left chest/shoulder, and then there's the kidney stuff. And the prednisone makes my lungs burn so it hurts to breathe. I'm not sure what all of these pains are, and I don't want to go to the doctor because I feel like they'll think I'm silly and I worry too much. Which may be true, but I'm just so careful after my kidney mis-diagnosis (I won't even get into how mad it makes me to think I wouldn't be in this pregnancy situation, or any of this pain, if my doctor had just paid attention to me and caught this disease sooner than 4 years after it started... and before I diagnosed myself). Today all of these things are rattling around in my brain, taking up so much room in my head that I can't concentrate. What I'm really trying to do is learn from all of these things. It's hard to see the positives but I'm trying so hard to look at what I'm going through and take something from it. Today's lesson is brown rice.
Before I started the medicine, my endocrinologist told me I was on the way to being diabetic... insulin resistant if you will. I knew she was right, but my blood sugar seemed normal pretty much, so I... I won't say I ignored her, but I just didn't give as much thought to it as I should have. When I took my blood sugar this weekend and it was over 350, it was a wake up call to me. I had to break out the insulin pen and give myself that shot. I had to call in for more test strips and supplies, and the price is just stacking up. And I realized I don't want to live like that. But that's where I'm headed if I don't take my health seriously. Aside from medicine-induced crap, I have the kidney disease and high cholesterol. Both of which are extremely diet-dependent, and my doctor thinks losing weight will improve my kidneys as well. And I've known this but never really taken things seriously. Right now my quality of life is not very good, and when I sit here and think of the fact that all of these problems will just get worse as I get older unless I make some serious changes, I realize I have to start now. For me, but also for this baby. I don't want to be pregnant and need insulin if I can help by making better choices. I don't want to feed my baby the processed.. everything.. that I eat. I don't want my baby to feel tired like I do because I'm lugging around all this extra weight. And with the time crunch I may not be able to make all of the changes I want to before IVF, but if we've got 3 months, that's 3 months of positive changes I can make to make me and my as-yet-unconceived child feel better.
So I started with an experiment. I've been following sparkpeople for some time, trying to reign in my calories and saturated fat intake. I've made half-hearted attempts to eat more fruits and vegetables, but if I look over my food logs, I've been doing a terrible job. I'll have 4 "pretty good" days and then a week where I eat pizza twice, have mozzarella sticks, and a bunch of soda and snacks. I know I can't change everything overnight, but I want to eat better foods, and last night as I was craving some fried rice, I decided to try something. I could have ordered takeout fried rice, with whatever oils and things they put in it, but I didn't. I went to the store and bought a mix, and made it at home. So what changes did I make?
Well, for starters, I cut and cooked my own all white meat chicken breast. I used smart balance oil with lots of Omega 3s and very little saturated fat. I put almost an entire bag of mixed vegetables (with big chunks of carrots and green beans) in, and I used egg beaters instead of eggs. Finally, I used brown rice. I've always had a problem with brown rice and I don't know where it came from, but with my blood sugar all over the place, and my general unhealthy state, I couldn't justify white rice. So I tried it. I put all of these things together and... it was AWESOME.
I'm glad that I did this because it showed me that I can make things healthy and tasty. And keeping this vigilant eye on my blood sugar has been eye-opening for me too. And while I'm not psyched about how terrible I feel, I know that I can take some things away from this experience that will help me to be a healthier person, and, consequently, a more able mother. I don't want my child to be slowed down by my sluggishness and weakness. And I want to be a good role model. Sometimes I like to take little guesses at why these things turn out the way they do, and as much as it sucks, I still hope and think that maybe God has a plan for me after all. Maybe I can't see it, and maybe I won't like it, but maybe I need the things in my life now, as much as I may hate them, for something he has planned later on. Maybe not! I don't know... but I like to think that's the case. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. At least not a good reason. Sometimes our strength is tested for the sake of the test. And sometimes our experiences on the whole make us better able to handle life and... everything. But I do think I will get through this and be a better person for it. I hope so.
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