POAS #2

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9dp3dt. FRER. Chances are that if the test was going to be positive it would be positive by now. I'm not counting myself completely out until I get my beta. I know that anything is possible and I could have a late implanter. But I'm currently living by "Expect the worst, hope for the best".

Things have been tough for me today. It's mothers day and I was really hoping to be a mother... or at least an expecting mother by now. And sometimes I feel like I'm just never going to see that positive test. I am forever grateful that we have a beautiful blastocyst on ice, and we'll be immediately moving on to a FET if necessary (I still want this one to work!). But sometimes I think about how long we've been trying and how messed up our IVF cycle was (3 embryos from 12 follicles??) and I just worry that things are too messed up. I look at my numbers.. FSH 5 and 22 antrals... and I think that it has to be something else... not me.. not messed up eggs. But I'm nervous. We're not rich. We could do the FET without going into debt. But any more fresh cycles and we're going to have to start looking at loans.

I've been mad, and trying to think that God knows what's best for us. I just feel like we've been through SO MUCH and something in our lives should come easier. But I guess we all have our crosses to bear, and we'll have to play our hand.

And rather than wonder why things aren't working for me, I'm going to try to do what I can to help things for next time if there is one (please stick, baby!!!). I really need to get back to working out and eating better. I think losing weight will help me feel better, and cutting back on sugar and getting my insulin down should be good for my eggies.

And no matter what happens this time, we have one perfect blast still waiting. My RE only freezes embryos on 1/3 of cycles because they don't freeze anything unless it's a blast that they think will have a good chance at producing a pregnancy, so that means they liked what they saw in our other little one.

I'm still hopeful. It's still possible that this baby is going to work out. I'm just scared I'm never going to see a positive test. And it's a real fear. And I need to chill out because all this worrying can't be good for me. But still, this whole thing sucks. I want this baby. Please stick, little one. I love you.