It's Official

Beta was negative. I'm not pregnant. And I knew that was the case, but I still cried, and I've been crying off and on since I got the news. My nurse was out of the office, so it was some random woman. "Hi Erika, it's Casey from Shady Grove. I'm sorry." Screw. You. Casey.

Someone said to me "I'm sorry for your loss" and I just lost it. Because that's how I feel. And I don't want to undermine the feelings of anyone who has had an actual pregnancy, but I feel like I lost a baby. I DID lose a baby. It hadn't implanted, but it was there, growing and dividing and being a beautiful little thing in my uterus. I'll never know why it didn't stick around. But I have a picture of it sitting on my coffee table and I just want to hug it and ask it why it didn't want to stay with me. This was a perfect little bundle of Andy and Erika dna. The first we'd ever made. And... I just loved it. I wanted it. And it doesn't hurt simply because I'm not pregnant. It hurts because I'm not pregnant with THIS baby. This gorgeous little embryo that was perfect in every way. That I talked to and patted my belly for and... wanted more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.

I'm at work, and I told my boss I was getting the news today, so she let me sit and talk on the phone with my dad. My poor husband is riding in a car with a perfect stranger, working until God knows when tonight. He asked me to text him. I didn't want to because I didn't want him to have to go through this completely alone. But he wanted me to so I did. And I just want to hold him and tell him it's going to be OK.

I hate every part of infertility. I HATE IT. And I have a doctor's appointment on Monday with the kidney guy, and.. those always suck, and if he does anything to upset me, or tries to push me into another medicine that requires waiting to try again, I'm going to punch him in his stupid face.

I want to crawl in bed and never come out. I hate that nothing in my body works. My kidneys suck, my liver doesn't function correctly - I was born without most of my cholesterol receptors, and apparently my ute is a giant pile of FAIL. And I want to say WHY. WHY is God doing this to me? To Andy? What have we done to deserve it? But I know those questions are unfair, and no one is "punishing" us. Things just happen. Maybe this embryo was chromosomally abnormal. Apparently by my age, a bunch of my eggs are abnormal, and it doesn't always show by day 3 or 5. It looked perfect, but we can't know for sure.

So what now? Well, I'll cover that post when I dont feel like crawling in a hole and dying. Tonight, I'll be eating a stromboli and drowning my sorrows in copious amounts of alcohol. Tomorrow will be a new day.