Temporary (?) Insanity

Interestingly enough, Andy and I got into a conversation about how he refuses to go to Chicago this year. He says he's not worried about it, and we need money in case the IVF doesn't work. In my ridiculously emotional state I decided that this meant he doesn't think it's going to work, and I threw a little bit of a crazy-woman fit. I also decided that Chicago was "his" thing and the baby was "my" thing and he didn't care and didn't want to have the baby.

Yes, the same day I wrote the post below about how awesome he is.

He said I deserve everything I want, which I, of course, took to mean he didn't want it, and it spiraled from there into me almost in tears complaining about how he doesn't want to do this and I'm forcing him into it. No, I'm not even on the crazy hormones yet.

He admits that it's more important to me to have the baby, and I get that. I'm a woman and obsessed.He doesn't think about it the same way. He's a guy, and not obsessed. Does he want the baby? Hell yes. Is he excited? Hell yes (this is the guy who put a onesie in his desk drawer so it would be close to him). Is he a crazy person who can't think about anything else? No. And of course this means everything in the ENTIRE WORLD is BAD and I can't survive anymore. Is this what hormonal rollrcoasters are like? If so, I would not like to purchase a ticket. However, if they're handing out babies at the end, I'll go for it. I'll pay 10 grand for THAT emotional rollercoaster. This one notsomuch.

The honest truth of the matter is he does think it will work, but he's logical. In my birth-control-filled rage, logic has flown out the window and I can only think in terms of how everything on earth relates to our baby. Fruit in a market in Asia might make it into the baby food my child will eat when he's on soft foods. A fish swimming in Australia could still be around when I take my kid to the Great Barrier Reef. My friend's refrigerator breaking down. Mowing the grass. EVERYTHING relates to my as-yet-unconceived child. This means there's no room for logic, and saving money and earning sick days don't compute. What's that? I should probably be able to pay my bills? What does that have to do with anything?

And somehow, Andy wanting to give up Chicago for us to have a baby means he doesn't want it. I defended myself with "But if we don't do it now we might never have a baby!". And while he should have given me a "WTF are you talking about, I'm on your side!" look, he said "That's right. Chicago will always be there. This chance might not." And do you want to know what I said??

"What if Chicago's NOT always there?" Really, Erika? Seriously? To which my glorious husband replied "Well then we've got bigger problems".

Oh, twisted hormones of IVF... lay not your hands on me!!!! Dear God I hope this cycle works... but will I find something else to obsess on? Absolutely. My husband deserves this trip. We deserve our baby. And I.. might deserve a trip to the looney bin if I don't control myself. Lord help us.