Trying not to worry about this cycle is an exercise in futility for me. I just don't think it's atually possible for me to stop. Perhaps it's the OCD, but maybe I'm just really type A about things. I want to know exactly what's going on, and I wish I'd had the chance to talk with the RE just 1 time during this process. Some of the questions I have are as follows:
"Why did I only get 12 follicles from 22 antrals?"
"Is an E2 of 1111 on trigger day bad?"
"Why do I have 1 follicle that measured 30 yesterday - does that mean it's over-mature?"
"Will the smaller ones (12-14) be mature at retrieval?"
"Should I have used a different protocol?"
"Should I have stimmed for 8 days like they wanted?"
" Will the big one cause me to ovulate since I'm not on ganirelix today?"
and then there are the "what ifs":
"What if they don't get any eggs"
"What if none of them fertilize"
"What if none of them make it to blast?"
Ad nauseum, really. I've been praying for some help with giving it up to God, and I've been trying to absorb myself in other things, but the giant ovaries I can feel every time I take a step are a constant reminder. I guess I'm just nervous. I don't know what I should really be expecting out of all of this. I feel like I'm going to disappoint so many people if it doesn't work. My family and Andy's family are both so positive. And I have been. A few days ago I felt like I just knew it would work. Today I feel like I'm doomed and I don't know why that is. I'm trying to stay positive for my little ones, who I know can feel me worrying. And I'll have let myself down. And I know I'll torture myself with "what could I have done" because that's what I do.
When I get home tonight I'm emptying the dishwasher, then changing into PJs and curling up to watch tv. We have to be up at 5:45 tomorrow to leave for retrieval at 6:15. That's 2 hours early, but that's how long it took us last time we had to go on a weekday morning. And if we get there a little early, that's not a bad thing. Andy is going to be a zombie in the am, and I feel bad that he has to go back to work on Wednesday. It's going to be quite a week for us because we'll be going to that concert on Thursday since we can (yay!). I'm hoping to be home by like 12:30am, so we'll see how that works out.
In other news, I discovered that menopur is taken from the urine of menopausal women. So I've been injecting myself with reconstituted pee-stuffs from strangers for a week. This should probably gross me out more than it does. It doesn't look like pee, so that's cool, right? They should put yellow food coloring in it. That would be really disgusting. But it makes a good story!
"Hey mom, how did you guys do IVF again?"
"Well, son, for a week I injected older lady pee into my belly, and it made you grow!"
Ew. The truth can be harsh sometimes. And now... to try not to vomit from my own story. Gross.
No comments:
Post a Comment