Oh, Crap.

Christmas was wonderful. I had an amazing time with my family and Evie actually napped at my parents' house. I went to bed in a good mood, though not completely ready to go to work on Thursday. At some point in the middle of the night I woke up with a headache. I got a little more sleep but by around 6 I couldn't sleep. I took some tylenol and decided to head to work, but then I threw up the tylenol, and threw up once more. I made it to work but by this point I was a little concerned because I know the signs and symptoms of Pre-E. So I told myself I'd have the nurse at the health center check my BP. If it was OK, I was just having a migraine. If not, I had to go to the hospital. I wasn't just a little susprised when it was 174/110. The nurse suggested I go by ambulance but I wanted to drive myself. I had to go to the hospital where my MFM is because my local hospital can't handle babies before 32 weeks, and I was actually closer to that one from work anyway. By the time I got to the hospital my BP was 220/110.

Needless to say, they were concerned. They started me on IV BP meds that weren't doing a whole lot, and they noticed my kidney function was getting worse, so they admitted me. For a while, they weren't sure if they were going to have to deliver the baby, so I got steroid shots and ended up in a meeting with pre-op so they had all my information in case I needed an emergency c-section. Which, of course, was terrifying. Andy was home with the baby and couldn't rush down, and I was OK with that for a while. My dad went over there so he could come down though, and having him there helped a lot. With keeping me in bed and lots of meds we were able to get my BP to come down and stay down, and I was able to go home Friday.

This whole thing is terrifying, though. I had issues with Evangeline that started around 34 weeks, and I was able to keep her in until 36+6. I'm only 31 weeks with this baby and I am now striving for 36. Hoping and praying I can keep him in 5 more weeks. The doctors are hoping for another month. And it all feels so hopeless. I'm super on edge and I keep analyzing every weird feeling I have. I'm not ready for this baby to come, and he's not ready to be here. He needs more time but my body is failing.

When I delivered Evie my creatinine was 1.8, and at the time it was the highest it had ever been. It's now 1.8 and likely worsening. And at what point does that start to worry us? I'm already worried, but are my kidneys just going to flat out fail at some point? With weeks to go and worsening renal function already? I'm so tired and I just want my babies and I to be healthy. I want to be able to chase Evie again and I want to be able to provide everything this newbie needs. It's a tough place to be in, not knowing what's going to happen. On Christmas day I thought I was OK, and the next day I was in the hospital trying not to deliver my son. I don't know what will happen tomorrow.

My family is being super supportive. Andy is trying his best to hold me up while at the same time freaking out himself. My work is being supportive of me needing to work from home, and I'm thankful for that. If we didn't have the income from now until delivery I don't know what I'd do. I'm supposed to take things easy and not run errands and get help chasing my almost 2 year old, which is so tough. I am hoping to start working from home on Thursday throughout the duration of the pregnancy (which we're pulling for February).

I guess what I'm trying to say is I have no idea what's going to happen and I'm terrified. I don't feel like I can fully express how I'm feeling, but I'm scared, and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry on my husband, but we have too much to do and too much on our plates to waste time with me being a baby. It doesn't make it easy. We just need rest. And prayers.

30 Weeks! And Another Trip to L&D

Well it's finally almost Christmas. I'm pretty excited now that Evie's a little older. I'm sure she won't fully grasp the whole presents thing, but she's getting some cool new things that should keep her occupied for a while. Unfortunately, her "big" gift, a Bubble Guppies arm chair, won't be here in time for Christmas. fortunately she won't know any better, and she'll still be excited when it arrives in a week. In the mean time she has books, puzzles, movies, toys, etc. And her grandparents got her a Nabi Jr so that'll be fun for her. I'm trying really hard to enjoy this Christmas since it will be our last as a family of 3. But it's also hard because we have had so much to do. We didn't get our tree up until yesterday, and I'm a day after Thanksgiving kind of girl. But with doctor's appointments, work, and everything else, it's been busy and draining.

Yesterday I paid my second visit to L&D. The first was very early on at 18 weeks. This time it was for high BP, which ended up being fine at the hospital. So I got an NST and everything looked good, but it was a giant waste of 2 hours.

We did manage this weekend to get Santa pictures. Evie was totally OK with being on Santa's lap. She held his hand as you can see. She actually smiled, too, but she was looking at me, and I was way to the left so you couldn't see her well. We ended up going with this one because it was the only one close to straight on. She looks upset but she was really fine.

Almost 30 Weeks and Gearing Up!

Well it's been a heck of a month in our household. Evie got really sick with  a double ear infection and upper respiratory infection and then I caught it from her. We thought things were getting better, but then last week she got a stomach virus. She wouldn't drink and was vomiting and whatnot, and actually had to go to the hospital for dehydration. I also caught that from her. It was absolutely horrible! So I was out of commission and it lingered a bit so she was being a toddler who didn't feel well and driving everyone crazy. She seems to be feeling better now and I'm hoping we can stay healthy for a while!

Evie's development has been amazing. Ever since we lowered her crib rail she's been doing so many new things. She's climbing everything, trying to get herself snacks, and saying tons of new words. Right now her vocabulary is picking up the most. She has started saying a lot more "sentences". Like "Go away, All done, and what's this"? She loves to sing and sometimes gets the right words in the right spot. Like when Jake says "Hey Ho Let's Go!" She yells "GO!" At the end. She was way ahead with language in the beginning, but slowed down, and is now storming ahead a mile a minute. She's learned a ton of new words in the last two weeks, including one of her new favorites, "why" which we usually only get when we tell her she can't do something. 

We've gotten into a nice routine with bed time for now, and with her going to bed at 8, I get to actually spend more quality time with her which is great. I get to give her a bath and feed her and put her to bed just about every night, and Andy and I take turns with cleaning  and things so we get some quality time after her bed time to do our own thing.

This is the new thing she started doing. Covering her ears. This child is SO sassy it's ridiculous, but she also loves her mommy SO much.

Things are moving along with baby boy. I'm 29 weeks 4 days, and so far so good. He was 2lb 13oz at 28 weeks, and in the 82nd percentile. We're still expecting an early delivery, but it's looking more and more like I'll get to my 36 weeks goal. Although we all know how much can change in a few weeks. He still doesn't have a name, but we have a number of contenders. Right now his bedroom is still a guest room, so we have to take down all the guest room stuff, move all of Evie's furniture in there, buy all her new furniture, and put it all together. And soon! We do have lots of clothes and things ready for him, though, so that's a plus. I will just feel so much better when his room is ready!

Some days I still can't believe I'm about to have two kids. I'm still in shock over that positive test, even when I feel him squirming around. Even when people ask me when my last day is! I think I'll still be in shock when I'm holding him. We're truly blessed to have one amazing little girl and a sweet little man on the way. It's so strange how things work out, and I wish I'd trusted more when we were going through tough times. God is great.

New Developments and 26 Weeks!

Well it's been a heck of a week. Last Tuesday I was complaining to Andy that E would be climbing out of her bed soon. Wouldn't you know it she did it that night? So we had to scramble to switch her to a toddler bed so she didn't fall 4 feet. Our video monitor broke so there was a lot of anxiety that first night, but it wasn't too bad. There's been an adjustment period. She threw a terrible tantrum one night. Most of the time it's OK, except she has decided she doesn't want to be in bed unless she's ready to pass out. So when I put her in bed, even if I can tell she's exhausted, she'll cry. I usually just leave anyway, not because I want her to cry. I don't really agree with CIO? But because she'll keep crying unless I leave. Once I leave she'll stop within a minute or two. It's like she just needs a minute to herself to realize "Hey I really am tired". She's always been that way though. She hasn't really gotten out of bed in the middle of the night, and for the most part I find her in bed in the morning even if she's awake. That is until this morning, when my mom went in and she'd torn her room apart. She used her mini rocker to get to the top of the dresser and pulled all the tissues out of the box and pulled the lamp down. It wasn't plugged in and the cord was tucked away but she somehow got it anyway. So I guess we have to find new places for all of that stuff. And that means I desperately need to clean my room so we can get the new baby's room sorted out. There's a picture of the carnage below.

It was also my birthday and E was great. She was so good at dinner and went to bed well for her daddy so I got to go see The Hunger Games!!! It was great! And she enjoyed a piece of cake lol.

Then this weekend we went to Rehoboth beach to see some family I'm very close to but never get to see. Evie got to meet 3 of her (distant) cousins and they all loved each other. They're 9, 7, and 5, and thought Evie was so cute. They'd rented a beach house with a middle level that was a living room and a hallway of bedrooms. E would just run back and forth and the kids would chase her. I've never heard her laugh so much and it was nice that she was interacting with other kids. Last saturday we had to take her to Urgent Care and discovered she had an upper respiratory and double ear infection, so she's been on antibiotics and feeling so much better. I'm so glad she got to spend that time with them. Of course I got the infection, so now I feel like crap.

The good news is I'm 26w3d and huge haha. But my BP is great and everything looks good, so I get to keep this baby boy in for at least a little while longer!

De-Cluttering

My blood pressure seems to just be getting lower. Last night my diastolic was 54, which is too low period. I've been exhausted and dizzy when I stand up. I had an OB appointment yesterday, but when I got there they told me it would be "at least a half an hour" again (which really means 45+) and E was sick and I rescheduled. I really hate that office. I'm not sure if Evie is sick or teething. She's always got her fingers in her mouth, tons of drool, and she had a fever and more snot than I've ever seen in my life. She's got all her first molars, but the second should be coming in any time, as well as the cuspids. She slept surprisingly well despite that.

This weekend I really need to do a lot of work. Some of it in E's room and some of it in my room and baby boy's room. I just need to find a way to not be so tired I pass out when E's asleep. I don't know yet if Andy will be working, but if he is, she's going to have to watch some TV while I go through her toys. We have way too much stuff and not enough space in our house for it. We need to donate some of her old toys that we probably won't use for the new baby, and I need to organize her stuff. I can also go through all of her old clothes and pick things out to donate or sell. I need to clear out baby boy's closet and start getting all his stuff hung up. We'll clear out the room in December and start moving everything in there and get E's toddler bed set up. It feels like so much to do, and I'm always so tired I don't want to do any of it, but I really need to. I think if I can just take an hour each day this weekend I can get the toys done and baby boy's closet.

Things are also getting overwhelming with all the Christmas stuff. I just want to get E everything, so she's already got a ton of stuff, and I still need to get her The Little Mermaid and her Bubble Guppies chair. I can't wait until after Thanksgiving when we can start getting the Christmas decorations out and get everything set up. I think E is going to like it this year. I can't wait to see her sweet face Christmas morning!

Musings and a Photo

Today I'm 24w4d and I'm feeling posty. This morning I noticed I was feeling kind of dizzy and "off" when I stood up, so I went to get my blood pressure taken at the nurse and it was 115/66. While this is a fabulous BP, for me, it's pretty low. Especially the 66. I'm going to let my doctor know tomorrow and see if he wants to do anything about it. It's like I'm either 150/85 or under where he wants me. It's sort of frustrating, but I THINK this is better for the baby? I have no idea. For now everything is going well otherwise, and there is no reason to think baby will be coming any time soon. I still have 7.5 weeks before I can deliver in my hospital so I'm still pulling for that and then at least 4 more. I don't think 36 weeks is unreasonable to strive for.

I wonder if my BP is OK if I can go back to every two week visits. Weekly visits with my OB and monthly with MFM seems so excessive. I know it's probably not but... I do have to work and save as much time off as possible! Plus I start NSTs at 32 weeks. That's 3 appointments a week and that's just insanity. But I'm glad to be coming up on 25 weeks with a healthy baby in there and things looking better! So here's me today. There's definitely a baby in there.

24+3 and Yesterday's News

I spent most of the weekend trying not to worry. I was mostly successful. Andy was supposed to sign paperwork for his new job yesterday so he couldn't go to my appointment with me, and my mom went instead. My BP was high, as usual, but not like it was last week. I had an ultrasound first and got to see baby boy. He ended up with his little feet over his head just like his sister always had. The good news is he looks great. They didn't see any anomalies, and his growth is right on track. He was measuring 24w1d and I was 24w2d, but that's by LMP which might have been off by a day. They said he's just around the 50th percentile, which is great, and weighs about 1lb 7oz.

After the ultrasound we had a consultation. The doctor said he does not think I have Pre-E right now, but because it's so difficult to tell the difference between that and my kidney issue, I need serious monitoring. He said he won't induce prior to late pregnancy without concrete evidence that it's Pre-E, which means I might have to have some hospital monitoring. I'm OK with that since I want this baby to stay in unless he HAS to come out. He upped my BP meds again and said we have a lot of room before we're maxed out. I'm going to have LOTS of doctor's appointments and lots of blood tests as well, and he made sure I knew all the warning signs so I could head to the hospital if I thought things were going downhill. He said he will not let me go past 39 weeks (which happens to be E's birthday) but he indicated that we all know I'm not getting that far. Like "I can't predict the future, but...". And I knew that anyway. So it's kind of a "wait and see when you develop organ failure" game right now. Cool, huh? But at least I'm being closely monitored.

Right now I'm awaiting a call from the doctor. He was going to talk with my OB and let me know who I would be seeing. He actually called yesterday but I'd fallen asleep. Unfortunately he also said he got my blood tests back and I needed to call him. And that's never what you want to hear. So now I have to wait until they open and find out what happened with my blood work. I'm not excited. I will update when I hear!

For now, have a 3D photo of my son, who looks exactly like his daddy:

Edit: I finally got a hold of MFM. He and my regular OB decided to “co-manage” me. So I will se the regular OB every two weeks or so, and MFM every month. I have to send him my blood pressures every week, and will continue to have growth ultrasounds every month. He said right now my blood work shows NO signs of Pre-Eclampsia, and my creatinine has actually gone DOWN a little (1.53 to 1.4) so that’s good news, and now we have a good baseline to tell if it’s really going up. Also from yesterday, baby boy is measuring 24w1d (at 24w2d, but that could easily be off if I ovulated a day later or had my LMP wrong [obviously I wasn’t keeping track since I didn’t think it would matter!]) and he is 1lb7oz and in just about the 50th percentile which is GREAT news. Plenty of fluid, cervix long and closed, so basically no signs that this baby will be coming any time soon. That could all change very quickly so he gave me all the warning signs to know when I need to head to the hospital, but for now, things look good! YAY!!!

23w6d and Problems

Tomorrow is viability day. I've been waiting the whole pregnancy for this day, and I'm so glad and relieved that it is almost upon us. Unfortunately, V Day doesn't come without complications.

I went to my regularly scheduled OB appointment yesterday. My appointment was scheduled for 4:15, and at 5:00 I was told there were 3 other people ahead of me. I thought about leaving because Andy wasn't feeling well and I wanted to see Evie before bed time. I decided to stay to check on my blood pressue, and I was put in a room at 5:25. I was told at that point that my blood pressure was 160/96. She asked if I was uptight, and I said yes, I was a little pissed that I waited over an hour. When the doctor came in, I asked him to take it again himself. The nurse's reading seemed ridiculous, so he agreed to do it. It was 160/90. At that point, he told me I was a troublemaker, and decided to listen to the baby. He sounded great! But the doctor was very unhappy.

He told me he needed to consult with my high risk OB (MFM). He said he was "going to let [me] go home" and call in the morning after they talked. Which basically means he was considering sending me straight to the hospital but decided not to. I then reminded him that I was supposed to travel to St. Louis next week for work. He looked at me like I was insane and said he'd talk to MFM about that. MFM had cleared me two weeks ago to do it.

I went home with all sorts of scenarios in my head. I just wanted to know what they wanted me to do. Fortunately he called me at about 9:30 this morning. He said they'd talked, and they are thinking it might be a better idea for me to exclusively see MFM. He said he's having trouble noticing the differences between Pre-E and my already existing kidney problem, and he thinks I need someone more specialized to follow me. They wanted to bring me in for another MFM consult and take my blood pressure again. He also told me that I WILL develop Pre-E this time, the question is simply "when is it Pre-E vs. kidney problems"? At this point my BP is elevated, I'm swelling, (which I just noticed when I got home last night) and my protein loss has risen a little. He also told me they both said "absolutely do not travel" so I had to cancel those plans.

I called right away to schedule an appointment. I was told he didn't have anything until the following week, so she went to talk to him and he wanted to fit me in on Monday. He didn't have any appointments, and was on call at the hospital, but he felt it was urgent enough to bring me in, so I'll be talking with him and getting an ultrasound on Monday. I'm nervous because he must have thought it was very important to make that happen. I'm glad that it's not a dire need situation just yet, though.

I have so far to go before I'm comfortable having this baby. My first real goal is 32 weeks, and that seems so far away. It's 2 months! I am 32 weeks on January 4th. It's scary to think he could be born this year. He needs more time. And maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion, and they'll just switch up my meds, but I doubt it. With Evie, my urinary protein got LOWER. I was on half the medication, and I still didn't develop any issues to worry about until 32/33 weeks. My BP was high but it didn't get this high until later. I'm trying to prepare for bed rest. I can't imagine he will just add more meds. He added meds last week and apparently it didn't do anything to help. I'm grateful that I'm already at 24 weeks tomorrow but I just want my baby to be safe. Andy keeps checking on me and we know we'll get through it, but it's hard. It's tough when your doctor tells you you're guaranteed a life-threatening condition. I know I had it with E, but I already had the induction planned and I was almost 37 weeks. She didn't need the NICU or anything. And this time my problems are starting two months earlier. I just pray this baby stays in and my BP can be controlled. This situation really sucks. Please say prayers for us.

23w4d and Updates

Things are rolling right along in our lives. Evie is up to her adorable self, generally being cute and accomplishing new tasks. She's become a very picky eater right now, which I'm hoping is just a phase. She's also waking up and bouncing and playing in her crib for hours at night. She's so silly. She LOVES bouncing, swinging, being lifted in the air and throwing herself about the couch. As long as she's free to do that she's a happy girl. She's still in LOVE with Bubble Guppies. She walks around saying "Bubble" a lot because she wants to watch it all the time. We try to limit it, but some days she gets a lot of episodes when I'm having pregnancy issues! The most impressive thing (to me) that she's started doing is counting. She knows that "three" comes after "one, two" so if you say "One.. two..." she says "FWEE!". I was so impressed when I saw it I couldn't get over it. I was starting to worry a tiny bit that she's not saying a ton of new words, but it's clear that she's picking things up. She's so smart. She LOVES stacking toys and puzzles and logical things. But she's so incredibly independent. She refuses to "perform". She's always been that way. If we're playing and I ask her to point at something, she'll do it sometimes, if it's her perogative, so I know she can, but then most of the time she'll just ignore me haha. She's so silly.

I'm 23w4d with baby boy. There's a picture from yesterday at the bottom. I feel huge, and it hurts already! I'm just very achy and waddling already lol. So far things are looking OK. My BP meds were upped again, and tomorrow I'll see how I do at the OB. I'm waiting patiently to hear that things are getting worse, but I hope it's not for a while. But I'm SO close to V Day and so excited about that. He's a little mover and shaker and reminds me so much of his sister already. I think they're going to be like twins. We'll see though. Here are a few photos of Evie being Evie. I love her so freaking much.

22 Weeks and 2 Days

Things have been progressing so smoothly this pregnancy. I don't want to jinx it but I'm happy about the way things are going. There is some concern about my blood pressure, but when I just had it checked it was 136/75 which is much better than how I spent most of my pregnancy with Evie. I have less than two weeks until V-Day, I haven't thrown up in a few days (nor felt sick but once in a while) and I still feel pretty good. I'm seeing the OB every two weeks, plus getting a growth ultrasound every 4 weeks, and starting at 32 weeks I'll have twice weekly NSTs. It's going to be a lot of doctor's visits, but if it can keep me out of the hospital and off bed rest then that's OK. It was January before we started noticing real problems in my pregnancy with Evie. I know my kidneys are worse off this time, but I'm thankful to have made it this far.

Really I can't believe how fast it has gone. Pretty soon it will be Christmas, and at that point we really have to start getting everything out of the spare room and moving furniture from E's room in there. And getting her a toddler bed. I don't feel comfortable giving her a toddler bed without a video monitor though, and since ours broke again, we're going to need something with 2 cameras and they're so expensive. We need to think about a theme for the nursery, and I need to start putting his clothes away. Right now everything is just piling up like crazy. And while I feel good, I'm still tired out from being pregnant, chasing an almost 2 year old, working full time, and kidney disease, so finding time to organize is so not at the top of my priority list. I planned to do a lot of it over the Thanksgiving break but now I have to fly to St. Louis that Sunday. Which sucks, but I need the comp time for traveling for work.

Evie is doing OK. I think she's getting at least 2 teeth though so she's been a little cranky and waking up at 4AM the last few nights. I want these teeth to come through for her. I've been trying to keep her occupied with trips and fun things. We went to the park the other day.

She loves the park. One of her favorite things is the big metal climbing dome. She doesn't climb it, though. She just climbs under it and hangs out in her own little spot. So far she's come out on her own, which is great because my belly will not fit in there! She also loves slides, but this particular slide was too high up to let her go up on her own, so she decided to climb the slide itself instead.

A Pregnancy Story

I don't think I've talked about this too much, but I kind of want to record my pregnancy story this time around. I know most of my followers are from the IF community, so please know that this was a spontaneous pregnancy if you want to read or not read :) Andy and I wanted more kids. We'd thought pretty hard about transferring one of our three embryos when E was 2-2.5. I didn't really want more than a 3 year age gap, but anything smaller scared me. She was a handful and I wanted to do the Cellcept to see if it could help my kidneys first. Since we were considered an infertile couple, and there was very little action in our house, we didn't worry about it unexpected pregnancy. I noticed signs of ovulation sometimes, but I never tested with OPKs or did any of that stuff because since Andy had MFI, it just wasn't in the cards for us. I had my period on 5/25, and on 6/8 we finally got some "alone time". What would be the only time that month. I was pretty sure I felt myself ovulate on the 9th. I get mittleschmertz so I can usually tell. It was funny because it was day 15 and normally I ovulate later when I do ovulate. I remember thinking to myself "Oh that's funny! The timing is right on". Of course the timing had been right on for so many months and nothing happened. And even fertile couples with that timing usually did it a few more times around ovulation. An infertile couple with 1 shot, where my ovulation is funny and Andy has MFI? Nah. Around that time a friend of mine who also was considered infertile announced that she was pregnant. She'd gotten pregnant the month after her IVF baby was born. I was admittedly jealous, and thought "man, urban legends really happen!" but there was a little flinch for one second where something said "that's going to be me". And I laughed because we weren't one of THOSE couples. The lucky ones who defy the odds. I mean kidney failure adds to infertility and my kidneys were worse than when we were diagnosed! On 6/20 I took a test. I think I planned to have some drinks that night and I thought since my period usually comes at 11DPO, and it was 11DPO, I should just make sure. It was negative. I came back a few hours later and thought I saw a shadow, but Andy said I was crazy, it was HOURS after the time limit, and that was that. I'd said a prayer to God before I took the test that whatever happened, it was His plan for us, so I accepted the negative and said I'd test in a week if I still didn't have my period. The next day, 6/21, 12DPO, I had an all day meeting. I was taking notes for some big wigs, and at one point my boobs hurt so bad I couldn't concentrate. It was strange because I often get twinges post-ovulation, but this was different. I laughed and said "Well it's a good thing I tested last night because this would make me paranoid"! I went about my business, each day expecting my period and it didn't come. The next Wednesday, 17DPO, I still didn't have my period. I assumed I was wrong and I didn't ovulate when I thought. I was meeting my friends for game night, and as I was driving there, I coughed. That cough was kind of a signal to me because when it happened, I felt like my uterus was going to fly out of my butt. It's an odd feeling I've only ever had when pregnant. I told one of my friends about it and she begged me to take a test. I told her I didn't want to because I already had and it was negative, and I was tired of negative tests. We weren't planning on another baby for a bit, but I had baby fever and I knew I'd be upset. I did promise her I'd take one when I got home after preparing myself for the stark white test window. I stopped at Rite Aid on the way home and got a pack of cheap Answer sticks. The kind that registers like 50+mu HCG because I didn't want to waste money. On the way home I said another prayer: "God, whatever the results of this test may be, please let them be what Your plan is in our lives". When I got home, I found a little cup, peed, and put the test strip in it and set it on the counter. It was 11:30pm. I sat there for a minute because I can never wait and not look at the test. When I looked up at it, I saw a line. It wasn't "dark" but there's no way I was imagining it. I didn't have to squint. But I didn't believe it, so I got up and got in the shower and told myself I was crazy and it would be negative when I got out of the shower. It was a quick shower. I dried off and walked over and there it was. Two lines. And they were dark. I still couldn't believe it so I went downstairs and woke up my husband who'd fallen asleep on the couch. This time he saw it too, but he wasn't ready to believe it so he went back to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I remember texting my friend "WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP" lol. No one was up to talk to me. Somehow I eventually went to sleep. Andy was just not processing it well. He'd been out of work and we just didn't know how we would afford it. I was calm because I'd prayed about it. I told him I'd tell my parents, who were coming to watch E that day, so they didn't wonder why he was being weird. I called them from the cafeteria at work and told them I had something to tell them. They flipped out. They were so excited. And by the end of the day, Andy was excited, too. We started talking about how crazy it was that it was actually happening, and that we just couldn't believe it. We now know we're having a baby boy. We're both beyond thrilled, and I pray every night just about for our new addition. It's going to be a lot of work and a big adjustment, but we're so blessed to be able to complete our family when we never even knew if we'd have ONE child.

Reflections and Thoughts 20w6d

Things are moving right along. I am 20w6d today, and I can NOT believe it's going by so quickly. I've been looking through my journal from E and comparing things. Apparently at this point with E I hadn't thrown up in 11 days. Yeah... not so much haha. And I happened across a photo from 20w5d! Here is my bump, 2 years apart! 20w5d with E on 11/01/11, and 20w6d with baby boy, 10/18/13. I think it's pretty close. Maybe a tiny bit more pronounced this time? But, he was 15oz! at the anatomy scan, whereas E was 8. His was 11 days later, so he should be bigger, but he's a LOT bigger!

Emotionally I think I'm in a similar spot. Honestly I've been feeling pretty good the last few days. I'm struggling with coming to terms with being back at work. E had a hard time last night going to bed and I just held her and cried a bit because I didn't want to be without her either. Andy is back to his first full day of daddy daycare. Apparently halfway through her diaper change she started asking for me because she's so used to me. Fortunately I get to wake up with her tomorrow and I think that will help.

Andy still hasn't found a job. He had 3 interviews yesterday and has 1 on Monday. Some of them would be great jobs, but they are interviewing so many people. I just hope they realize he's the one for them because we need it, but he's also such a great worker. And he looks for jobs ALL DAY LONG. We really need to get some bills paid off and save some money for maternity leave, so I just pray someone hires him. Especially since Christmas is coming up. I don't feel the need to buy a TON for E. She's still little. But I do want to get her a Tag Junior, a Bubble Guppies Chair, and The Little Mermaid and maybe a few small toys or books. I'd like to have the money for that. I'm traveling for work before Christmas so I'll get a little extra from that. But if Andy had a job we'd be fine. He's trying so hard.

I can't believe it's almost November. I'm going to take off the day after Thanksgiving so we can clear out the baby's room. Right now it's a guest room, and we have a lot of re-arranging to do before we can fit everything in it in other places. Once it's cleared out we need to either paint, or just start putting all his stuff in there. I need to organize my room before all that though. And I NEED to go through our junk and just get rid of stuff! I think tomorrow E and I are going to pick out a few things for baby brother because... well.. we need stuff haha. My mom bought a few outfits and she got him his own glow seahorse. He'll need more clothes, and some accessories like bibs and things. I think I have a better handle on what I'll actually use though now. Like for E, I bought dresses, but didn't put her in them until she was 6+ months because there's no point. Not that I'd buy dresses for him, but I mean it was hard to keep socks on her, so she was in sleepers most of the time. That sort of thing. I had like.. 1 or 2 "outfits" for when we went out in that first month, but 99% of the time she was in onesies and sleepers. So I won't buy a ton of stuff I know I won't use.

The other thing I've been thinking about, especially today is... WHAT? How did I get here? How did I get to be expecting a naturally-conceived second baby just under two years from E's timeline. It still doesn't feel like all that long ago that I was LONGING for a baby. Worried it wouldn't happen. Worried my kidneys would fail. It doesn't seem that long since we had a failed IVF cycle and I thought "Well that's the last step and even it didn't work". And now? Now I have not one but two beautiful babies? I am so blessed and so fortunate and so thankful to God for my children. Children I didn't know I'd have, and tried SO hard to trust in God over. And now they're mine. And I will forever be grateful for both of my miracles.

Furlough Fun

The last few weeks have been amazing. I work for the government and I was furloughed. Yes, financially it's been rough, but I got to spend two full weeks with my daughter, which is something I didn't think I'd ever get to do. I got to wake up with her, put her down for every nap, put her to bed every night, and hang out with her all day. We started attending play groups, and my parents have agreed to keep taking her at least sometimes when they are watching her. We went to a new park that she loved, and bonded and got even closer than we ever have been, which I didn't think was possible. I had to hold back tears as I pulled out of the driveway, looking at her sweet little face staring at me from the window. It's hard. It's so incredibly hard to be away from her. Especially now that I know what I'm missing. I'll always cherish the time I got to spend with her. She's my first baby and I adore her. Here are a few photos from the last two weeks. I didn't take a ton because I was just so into being with her.

Growing Up Too Fast

Well this was an interesting weekend filled with a lot of firsts for Evie. On Saturday morning we got up and went to the local farm to get a hayride to the pumpkin patch with mom-mom and popi. She loved running around the patch, and was not happy when we had to pick her up because she kept falling in the dirt. She got a pumpkin, and her first ice cream cone! She wasn't sure about it at first, but then she liked it once she got over the coldness!

That night we went to a fair with rides and games. She won herself another kitty and daddy won her a turtle. And she went on her first SOLO ride! We studied all of the kiddie rides to pick one out for her, and the fire trucks were the only ones with a lap belt that went one across so it could get tight enough on her. She really enjoyed it and did so well. And the guy let me strap her in myself. I'm sure we looked like lunatics laughing and yelling and waving to her. Of course she stopped on the complete other side, and the guy got her out first. He stood there holding her out like an object rather than a baby, looking around like "Where the hell are this kid's parents"!? Andy was running over there but people kept getting in the way. We got to her though and it was just so crazy she got on by herself and did SO WELL. Andy got it on video.

THEN on Sunday she got her first hair cut. She looks SO BIG. It's ridiculous. And it's hard for me every time I look at her. Not because I miss having a tiny newborn. I will have a tiny newborn in February. But I miss EVIE being a tiny newborn. It's like time gives you no warning as it just.. disappears out from under you. And now I have an almost 2 year old. Yesterday she was playing her little piano and I was clapping for her and she kept looking back to make sure I was watching. She loves music. She claps when I'm done singing a song to her. I'm so in love with this child I can't even express it. And she's growing up SO fast. But boy is she amazing (and also extremely happy though you wouldn't guess by most of these. As soon as she sees me pull out the camera she stops laughing)!

Help - Making Friends

I'd really like to start posting here more and making friends in the Blogger community. Does anyone have any ideas for how to accomplish that??? I really have no idea!

New Realities

I'm starting to feel much more connected to B2. I hope that doesn't sound terrible. I think I'm just getting over the shock of becoming an Infertility Urban Legend. Now that I've seen it and it's a real baby and every so often I can feel it move just a little, I'm getting even more excited. I find myself rubbing my belly more and planning things with a little more certainty. Like.. this is for real. I remember with Evie, things really got intense when I found out she was a girl. Something about her having a name and buying HER clothes just made me feel so connected. And I can't wait to see what this one is. To call it by name and buy it its own things. To set up its nursery!

I'm so nervous at times about what's to come. About handling being sleep deprived again. What if this baby is a horrible sleeper and doesn't do 7:30pm-8am straight like Tiny does? What if there's reflux? What if something is wrong?

But this baby is such a little miracle. Like what odds did this teeny tot overcome to be here? A brain tumor, infertility, kidney disease, timing... but here it is, growing like crazy, giving me heartburn and completing our little family. I'm just kind of in awe of how things came together/are coming together and it's cool. I'm so blessed to have this happen. To feel another baby inside doing its thing. I know this sounds weird, but I've always thought it would be SO hard to love another baby like I love Evie. And honestly, I still think that. But it gets a little easier to wrap my head around every day and I can't wait to hold this sweet one in February!

18 Months and The Start of Something New

Today is an odd day. Evie has been in a phase for the last week where she is just plain frustrating. She doesn't want to listen to anything we say to her, and she won't sit still for 5 seconds. Which can be quite difficult to deal with when I'm so exhausted and in pain. It's a new phase - one that has me reaching for the nonexistant parenting manuals to tell me what to do. I would really like for her attention span to grow just a bit so she could sit for a half hour and watch one show with me to relax. She's busy getting into everything, and I've found myself getting frustrated, which doesn't happen often. Until this week that is. I think I've finally come to a point where I need a break and I feel bad about it. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I'm starting to understand why people go on vacations alone haha. Of course this makes me feel like a terrible mother. I know I'm not at all, but I hold myself to these incredibly high expectations of perfect patience, perfect temper, perfect energy, perfect attentiveness, and I feel like such a failure when I can't meet them or when I just need to lay down for a bit. E's taken to screaming and crying and flailing during diaper changes again. She's perfected the "wet noodle" where she goes limp when I'm trying to pick her up, which leaves me in an awkward position and then I feel bad for holding her funny. She only wants to play with the things I don't want her to play with. She needs more time to run free and roam, but I'm getting slower these days, and it gets harder to chase her. Really, I'm also hormonal and irritable because of that and that makes me feel worse because that's not E's fault. I'm pretty sure E is showered with love pretty much constantly, and the times I do raise my voice are few and far between, so I hope it's showing her that when I do, it's because I mean it. I don't want to be the "friend" parent. I want to be the parent who does whatever is in their child's best interest. But I'm not sure how to establish the mommy/daughter relationship and keep in line with relatively gentle parenting. And that's another thing that I just have to figure out. How do I show her that mommy means business without shutting down the things I want to encourage - like how headstrong she is. That's going to get her so far in life. But there are times where she simply doesn't know what she's doing is dangerous or otherwise not OK, and I have to show her that. It's a balance I'm just now starting to have to figure out because she's been SO GOOD for so long. I think I'm coming close to perfecting my mommy voice though. There's a certain tone I use when I say "Evangeline Skye!" where she just.. stops.. whatever it is she's doing. Or lingers a minute to make sure I mean business and then leaves haha. E's such a mommy's girl though and I love it so much. I love how she climbs on my lap and hugs and kisses me and snuggles in. It usually only lasts 5-10 seconds before she's off on some incredibly important toddler mission, but those seconds make my whole day. She's such an amazing little girl, and like I told her daddy today, we just need to adjust to this, just like we've adjusted to all her other phases. We need to really be a good team. We're lucky in that she has been so good all along, and she really still is. She's testing her boundaries which is a completely normal thing for this age. How much can she do before mommy gets mad? I've read a bit on toddler behavior so everything makes sense to me, and I know it's age-appropriate, I just hope we're handling it "right". Whatever the case may be, she's growing into such an amazing little girl. She's so strong-willed and independent. She loves doing things on her own. She loves to "sing". She has a pretty decent vocabulary now, and she uses it so well. She knows to say "bye" to people on the phone and such. It's pretty cute. I just love her so much that I worry constantly that she's happy and we're doing things to nurture her and to promote happiness and trust and such. And now I just want to go home and hug her. And then put her cute little butt in bed and go to sleep!

13w5d!!!

I can't believe I'm 13w5d! Apparently I'm due 3/1, so I'm a day further along than I thought, and teeny is measuring not so teeny. 5 days ahead! The NT measurement was perfect. I should hear about the blood results soon. I'm praying for good numbers. It was completely amazing to see the baby. Like last time there was so much hoopla. Supplements and shots and things and this time my body's just doing fine by itself. B2 is moving around like crazy and standing on its head. Still feels like a girl to me, but I was shocked to find out E was a girl. And it's so big and E was so not big haha. Who knows. I Hope for hubs it's a boy. I'm happy either way. It's a baby! And we made it... miraculously. Completely miraculously. Here's a picture of the little one. Upside-down and backwards, but... hey there's a spine and that's good. It does have two arms and two legs lol. We saw them. Oh and I have another post coming about the MFM consult!

Thoughts

I'm pretty sure that Evangeline is officially a toddler. She's started having little tantrums (especially when she's outside and I want her to hold my hand!) and crying over ridiculous things. Last night my husband took her in her bedroom to change her diaper, and the went INSANE when she got in the room. She ended up peeing all over herself, needing a bath, and crying through the whole thing. Tantrum crying. Even after I got home and took over. Usually mommy fixes everything! Not so. This time Jake and the Neverland Pirates fixed it. Really she just thought she was going to bed and was having NO parts of it. Such is life with a toddler! I used to think that "Reasons my son is crying" blog was silly. But no. They really go nuts over the most insane little things.

I think by some inate ability, I'm able to keep calmer than Andy. I'm not the most patient person, but with Evie it's a different story. It takes so much to get me frustrated, so most of the time she's so, so good for me. Andy thinks it's because I'm her mom, but I think a lot of it is because usually it's so easy for me to be calm and relaxed and focused on nothing but what's going to make my baby happy. That's not to say I'm perfect by any means. I'm human, and she is a toddler. And sometimes I feel like I would pay serious money if it would get her to just sit in the bath tub. Or not throw the paper towels on the ground. But there's something about that sweet face. My husband's patience has grown exponentially since E was a tiny tot. I think sometimes since he's staying at home right now, by the end of the day he's pretty tense. But... it's not always easy!

We're leaving tomorrow morning for a week at the beach. I'm pretty excited about it. My parents and my brother and SIL will be there, too. My parents agreed to watch Evie two nights so Andy and I can go out. We don't get a lot of those opportunities. Especially with another baby on the way. I'm planning to cherish this week like no other. It's weird to think it will be our last vacation as a family of three. It's kind of really our first. To think this year will be the last Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween with only 1 baby to shower with love (and presents).

Things are OK on the baby front. We're trying to pick yet another new OB because the other one delivers at a hospital far from my house. Given as many times as I needed to be in the hospital last time, and the possibility of hospital bed rest, I want to be at the hospital close by. I don't think my heart could stand being so far from Evie that she couldn't visit a lot. I'll be 12 weeks on Saturday and it's such a cool thing to be almost into the 2nd tri. Only a little over a week to go! I just need to get to 24 and then take each day as it comes. Halfway there on Sunday.

Lately I've been thinking B2 might be a girl. I hope, for Andy, that it's a boy, but I'd love a girl. I want him to have his boy to do his baseball thing with though. I was wrong with Evie, so really we'll just have to wait and see. I should have some good pictures after the 26th. I have my NT then, which I have to go to alone, but I'm still excited about.

For the time being, I just plan to shower this little sweetheart with love and fun. She was at the beach when she was 6 months, but it's not the same. This time she can run around and play. She can ride rides and win things and eat Boardwalk food. I hope she loves it as much as I do because I think we'll probably go every year.

For now, have some photos of my sweet little tiny. She still loves swings, and her giant jellyfish, Bloop-Bloop. The shopping cart picture was the result of me asking for a photo. She pulled out her barrette and started playing in her hair. Perhaps modeling is not in our future. She sure is cute enough though.

11w2d and a Surprise Ultrasound

Today I am 11w2d with baby 2. I've decided I need to switch OB offices. I wanted Andy and Evie to hear B's heartbeat, so we all went, but E's a rambunctious toddler, and it took them 45 minutes past my appointment time to see me, so Andy had to take E out to the car. She hadn't napped so he drove her around. Meanwhile, 4 people that got in after me went back. When I did get back there, they told me I needed to come back in 2 weeks instead of 4 because my BP was up (because I was livid) and I had a lot of protein in my urine. Here's how that conversation went:

NP: You have a lot of protein in your urine this time. 4+.

Me: Yes. I always do.

NP: You didn't have any last time.

Me: Yes I did.

NP: Gives me a dirty look.

I'm sorry your nurses are incompetent, but I had protein. I always have protein. Thousands and thousands of mg. I had 5000 in the 24 hour urine I'd done just prior to that appointment. So unless Jesus Christ came down and decided it was time for me to have 1 random clean dipstick test out of the hundreds I've done in the last 5 years, your nurse read the wrong person's results, or did a DIPSTICK test wrong. Then the nurse asked what meds I was on. I said Aldomet (a very common bp med for pregnancy). She had no idea what it was. They use Labetelol, which is a class C drug, whereas Aldomet is a B. So they go to do the doppler and can't find B's heartbeat. And I'm a worrier, but I just sat there, half expecting it because E's was always tough to find, and these people are idiots. They took me to the ultrasound room, where they have one decades-old machine. At 11 weeks I could see B and its little heartbeat, but it just looked like a blob because the machinery is so awful. And of course, Andy and E missed it because it took so damn long to get me back there. So I'm super glad B is ok, but the whole appointment sucked, and I'm switching to a new practice. There's one down the street from work that uses the same high risk OB and my friend raves about them, so we'll give it a try. Oh, and apparently the other practice has a doctor with a lawsuit against him pending. I just don't trust people who can't do a urine dipstick to take care of me during a high risk pregnancy. Nope nope nope. So hopefully the new place is better!

17 Months/9w3d

First of all, it's difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that my daughter is 17 months old. She's such a little ball of energy and personality. And she's SO good. I just feel like all the problems I have had in life were me pre-paying my dues to be gifted and blessed with this sweet angel. So here's what she's up to lately:

- Walking and running. This child wants to go where she wants to go. She doesn't need "things" to play with if she's outside. She's happy just having the grass under her feet. We went for a walk on Monday and she didn't want to hold my hand so I had to carry her. Toddler tantrum ensues lol. She just loves being free.

- I went on my first business trip and she did well, but when I came home she wouldn't let me out of her sight for a week. It's been 3 weeks and she still goes through a period every day where she wants me to hold her constantly. Normally she's extremely independent.

- Her language skills are amazing. She can say mama, dada, hi, no, kitty, bubble, ball, baby, dog, bye, mom-mom, popi (her grandpa), and some others. The other day she pointed to an owl and said "Look daddy!". She puts words together "Hi daddy", "Bye Popi". When I was carrying her to the car and she wanted to be down I swear she said "I WALK!" And she understands pretty much everything I say. She wanted no parts of holding my hand that day, so before I got her out of the car at Walmart I said "Evie I want to let you walk but you MUST hold my hand. It's dangerous. If you try to pull away, I have to carry you". So of course she was perfect on the walk in.

- Her attention span is growing. She sits in our laps for whole books and tv shows. Bubble Guppies is still her favorite.

- She's pointing things out. If you ask her where the ball is in a picture, she can point to it.

- She's still obsessed with the water, and now she loves tumbling. She will do actual somersaults on her own.

- She can go up and down stairs by herself, but we still have to be right there because sometimes she forgets and tries to step right off.

Here are some pictures of my sweet girl:

Aaaaand I'm 9w3d with B2. Morning sickness is annoying, but MUCH better than with Evie. We have vacation in a few weeks and then the NT scan. My BP isn't great, so I'm on meds, but.. just hoping to get to 32 weeks right now. And hopefully far beyond.

7W 2D

Well it was an interesting few days. I had my first OB appointment yesterday and they tried an abdominal ultrasound. She said she thought she saw "something" but no heartbeat yet. Of course this terrified me, so I asked her to send me to get a transvaginal ultraound. The OB's machine was SO old I was hoping that was the problem. Fortunately, it WAS. We could see B2 on the abdominal at Advanced Radiology. With its little heart beating away. The transvaginal showed one little guy in there with a really strong heartbeat of 154! I measured 7w once, and 7w2d the second time, which is exactly right. So YAY!!! And here's a picture of B2. He looks like a duck with a beachball on his bill, but he's SO CUTE.

Almost 7 Weeks Questions

Weekly Questionaire. Late! How Far Along? I think 6w5d Total Weight Gain/Loss: Not a clue Maternity Clothes: Yes. I'm super bloated so my pants don't fit right. Symptoms: Nausea, stuffy nose, fatigue, sciatica Stretch Marks: No new ones yet Belly Button In/Out: In Sleep: Good. I wake up to pee a lot, but I'm able to sleep pretty deeply. Best Moment Last Week: Probably throwing up this morning. It just makes it feel like things are moving along in there. I hope they are. Food Cravings: Crescent rolls. Food Aversions: Nothing in specific. I know it when I smell it. Gender: Dunno Labor Signs: Uh no What I Miss: Liquor, but only because we went out to dinner every night of my business trip and everyone had neat drinks! What I Am Looking Forward to: Monday! I have my first appointment and hopefully I'll get to see what's happening in there. Milestones: Official morning sickness return!

6+1

Yep. That's a lot of bloat. I look 5 months along!

Thoughts on Baby 2

I'm still reeling a little bit from last week's news. Sometimes it's so hard to wrap my head around the fact that we defied so many odds by getting pregnant on our own. We're getting more and more excited as the days go by, but I remember more things that make me nervous, too. Since we weren't planning on transferring another embryo until at least around February (when this baby is due), I'm behind on my leave. I borrowed leave to take time off for Evie and I haven't paid it all back yet. And we have to think about daycare since my mom can't run around after 2 tiny babies. I mean E will be 2, but that's not an age where she can just sit in her room and play quietly for very long. E will be young enough that we'll need a double stroller still. It's just a lot of things we weren't prepared to have to think about yet. And please don't take that as a complaint. I'm thrilled and nervous about this baby. I want it to be OK and it's so early I'm worrying like crazy already. I just keep hoping and praying everything is alright.

My kidneys weren't ready, either. We were going to talk to my nephrologist this month about what's next, and where another baby may fit into out plans, with the understanding that he might say it doesn't at all. I am 30lb lighter than when I got pregnant with E, which is great. I hope that mitigates some of the issue. But I have no idea what to expect. I emailed him today and I see him on the 19th. Hopefully he'll be able to ease my mind a little. I really have no idea.

My symptoms have been pretty mild so far. Mostly I've been having issues with smells. I had some nausea on Friday but it's been mild since then. Which of course makes me worried. But my boobs are still hurting and I'm still extremely tired, so I'm trying not to worry myself. With Evie I didn't get real nausea until 5w3d, and I didn't throw up until 6w4d. Which of course means I'll be in IL and on an airplane if this pregnancy takes the same path. Maybe it won't be quite so bad this time but only time will tell.

I've been having fun looking at maternity things and baby stuff. Even though we have most of what we need, I need a toddler bed for E and a dresser, clothes if baby 2 is a boy, and I need a few things to supplement my pregnancy wardrobe. I have to look nicer at work than I did when I was pregnant with E, so even though it's the same season (baby 2 should arrive about a week before E's birthday) I need a few more things.

The other thing is my pants are already tight!!! What is that!? I think it's just because I've been SUPER thirsty and drinking like it's my job so I'm probably bloated with all of that fluid intake. I mean I can't have gained much since Wednesday. I was losing weight and I'm not eating THAT horrible. But I'll be wearing a lot of dresses for the rest of the summer. Pants are uncomfortable!

Really I'm just feeling blessed to be here again. Who knows if the docs would have ever signed off on another baby. This is a true miracle for us.

Surprise!

OK I guess this deserves a bit of an explanation. But first - yes - I'm pregnant! I'm shocked and scared and excited. If you've been following me a while you know we tried for 14 months with no luck before trying IVF, and our first IVF cycle failed. We conceived Evie on cycle 2. We were pretty well infertile and thought of those people who got pregnant naturally as the lucky folks. You know the kind where it would never happen to you? Especially since we were not trying, and by that I mean... we never got much time alone. We have a 16 month old in a sleep regression. We had exactly 1 uninterrupted night to ourselves last month. We assumed since we weren't trying and those are crappy odds for fertiles, it just wouldn't be possible.

I've been having a lot of symptoms though. Starting with vivid dreams, super painful boobs, headaches, constant peeing.. that kind of thing. I took a test last Thursday and I thought I might have seen the shadow of a line but Andy said I was seeing things. So I waited a week and last night I had this very familiar sensation when I coughed that my uterus was going to come flying out of my butt hole. So I tested. And I sat and watched. And it was a cheap, Answer test with 5 to a box. And after about a minute or 2 (of a 5 minute window) I kind of thought I saw it. Really I knew I did, but I couldn't believe it, so I took the fastest shower ever and came back out and there it was. Clear as day. I tested again this morning and then took a digi.

So here we are. Andy's tumor is gone but he had other issues contributing to our MFI. Plus I make TONS of empty follicles. And.. the timing. But I guess God wants this baby here, and I'm ready to receive it. We have a lot of planning to do, but... here we are.

And since there was only 1 night we could have conceived, I've determined I'm 4w4d with a due date of March 1. But since we'll be delivering early again, baby 2 will be here before E's second birthday. NEVER thought I'd be on my way to 2 under 2. This is surreal. I'm blessed and thankful to God for this little miracle.

And because she's cute, have a photo of E doing squish nose scrunch face last month:

Feelings

I don’t know how it’s possible, but I feel like my baby fever is almost as bad as it was before I had Evangeline. Perhaps it’s because she’s at a fantastic age. She’s been sleeping through the night for many months, she’s walking around and talking to people and just generally being awesome. Maybe it’s because Andy and I have been doing so well. Even with the stress of him not having a job, I’m really working against my OCD, and our occasional sessions together working on aligning our parenting strategies have helped a lot.


I see people announcing pregnancies and having babies and that longing is back to feel my tiny tot kicking around on the inside.

The problem is… well… me. My freaking kidneys. I know that my nephrologist would not want me to have another baby. He said as much once before. But it’s my body. And maybe this sounds ridiculous to people without serious, life-threatening diseases, but if I’m going to need a transplant anyway, I might as well get the most out of the kidneys I’ve got. Evie came out perfect and healthy, and I feel like if I lose these 50lb I’m trying to lose, I’ll be a total of 80lb lighter than when I got pregnant with her. So that should mitigate the pregnancy stress!

But that’s just one hurdle. We also have my RE and MFM. They both have to be on board. It was hard to get them on board the first time. But I really don’t feel like they should get to tell me what to do. If I was a “normal” person, and not infertile, they wouldn’t have a say. The embryos I have are MINE. They can’t tell me what to do (or not do) with them. Or they shouldn’t be able to.

I haven’t gotten my kidney tests done. My year of “ignore kidneys and focus on baby” is up. But I still don’t want to go back to that life. I have so few options and I’m terrified of Cellcept. Like I was ready to start it because I’m one to get things over with, but now that I’ve been sitting so long I am scared. The last time I had kidney medications they were infusions and I was sitting in the hospital hooked up to machines. I spent the days in pain trying not to pass out. I don’t want to feel like that. This is just a pill, but it’s a powerful pill that will completely destroy my immune system. And I don’t want to know it’s my only option. Which is what’s going to happen when I get my tests done.



I honestly thought after I had Evie I wouldn’t feel this way. Like my kidneys were totally secondary. My doctor always says “It was worth it, right?” And it was. It was so worth it I would literally do it again right now this minute. And I feel sort of greedy for wanting more. And it’s not that Evangeline isn’t enough. It’s just that… I don’t ever want her to be alone. I want her to always have family to share how amazing she is, and share her love with. And I won’t always be around. I’d love to be… but I can’t be. She doesn’t have any cousins and probably never will. And I want to experience it all again. All of the wondrous moments of being a mother. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done!

I also hate that my life and future are being dictated by this disease I have no (or very little) control over. Andy’s life, too.

We have the room for more children (at least 1 and they’d have their own rooms!). We live in a fantastic neighborhood with family close by. Great schools. And my God do we love. Andy and I love each other. We love our daughter. It just feels so wrong that this isn’t up to us. It’s up to doctors and two tiny organs that don’t want to do their jobs.

And I’d absolutely adopt children, but I already have 3 waiting for me. I want them. I want to give them their chance. If we didn’t, I’d probably be pushing for filling out adoption papers. But we do.

I’m so incredibly frustrated today that this isn’t up to me. It wasn’t up to me when we had to deal with Andy’s tumor and infertility. It wasn’t up to me whether we could even go through treatments. All of these things that so many people get so easily are taken away from us. Because of things we can’t control. So now I sit here and stare at pregnancy announcements once again, feeling as infertile as ever. I thought that would go away. I really did. As it turns out, not being able to have a child, be it your first or not, freaking sucks.

So I’m making the appointment and we’re going to the doctor and I fully expect her to tell me I need to use a gestational carrier which I clearly can’t afford. I expect my Nephrologist to warn strongly against it and get upset with me. Why do these people get to be angry that I want to bring another life into this world and shower it with love and affection?

It won’t be easy. Nothing ever is. But we’re going to see how it goes. It was a miracle the first time and we might need a bigger miracle this time. There’s always a little piece of me that thinks, with every test “Maybe this time will be the time that you’re healed”. So. Maybe this time.

Reflections

Last night I was feeling tired and uncomfortable on the floor playing with Evie in her room. I decided to bring her into my room to watch some night time tv before bed. She's always all over the place on the bed. It's like I put her in a bounce house or something. But we also get the best cuddles then. At one point last night she was sitting up and she grabbed my right hand and just held my hand for a significant amount of time. I've never wanted so badly to have a camera - any camera - within arm's reach. I just wanted a picture of her tiny little hand holding mine. I held her and I just thought about what an amazing little girl she is - how much I can't believe she's mine. I don't know what I did - or maybe I really just am blessed - to have this sweet baby. I love her more than I ever could have imagined. I can't wait to see her this afternoon. To hold her and kiss her and play and make her laugh. Being a mom is more than I thought it could be. If my entire life's purpose is to be a mommy to my sweet girl, then that's completely OK by me.

I can't believe how intense my baby fever is right now. I want to be pregnant yesterday. Of course my lovely friend AF reminded me today that I am, certainly, not.

Evie's at this stage of transition. Her sleep is unsteady, her naps unsteady, cognitive and emotional jumps abound. But one thing that has been static is how much she needs her mommy. Whenever I'm around, if anyone else has her, she makes it clear that she wants MOM. In the middle of the night, amidst screams and tears (for reasons unbeknownst to us) I had to go to the bathroom. Andy had her, and the second I came back in she was trying her best to climb into my arms. I rocked her in the glider which she hasn't let me do in ages.

I love how much she loves me. I love being needed. And I feel good about life. We've got a pretty solid routine down that's working pretty well for us. And I miss having a teeny, tiny baby around. I'm still not sure I'm ready to give up one on one time with Evie, but.. I just miss her tiny fingers and toes. I miss her falling asleep on my chest for hours. I want that again.

We're committed to waiting until late summer/early fall to talk about a baby 2. but I can think about it and yearn. I'm not sure where love for the new baby would go in my heart as consumed as I am by Evangeline. But It has to go somewhere, right?

My Baby...

... turned into a little girl, and didn't give me time to process it.

We had an amazing weekend together. Every moment with her is something I cherish. I love everything she does (OK except maybe the whiny thing) and we had some fun times. She had a blast at swimming since the water was finally warm enough to go. My parents are considering buying a boat (they live basically on a lake) and I hope they do it. E would have to wear her little life jacket but I think she'd love being on a boat. We put one on her at swimming (a life jacket, not a boat) and she actually liked it. She was kicking and laughing and splashing away.

We also went to a park and went swinging. We had tons of play time and I brought her in bed to "cuddle" and watch tv. Since she's not sick, this cuddling consisted of her standing up in bed and falling because it's lumpy every 4 seconds. But it was oh so cute.

And then last night after her bath I took some pictures. I got this cute one of squish nose scrunch face:

And then I took this one (I just stuck the camera out and hit the shutter. I couldn't see anything, hence being cut off).

When I looked at it my heart shattered into a million pieces. My baby doesn't look like a baby. She looks like a little girl!! But also, my GOD she's beautiful. How did I do this? How did WE do this? And once again, THANK YOU embryologist who picked this particular egg and sperm! You couldn't have known what exactly you were making, but here it is. Perfection.

I don't love to talk like that... it feels arrogant. But... I just... I can't put it into words how I feel about my daughter. She's perfection in my eyes. She really is. And I love her more than I ever thought possible. I hope she grows up seeing how much I love her. It would be hard to miss.

Updates!

Things have been moving along rather boringly in our household. We've had a few issues with plumbing, and Andy still can't find a job, but we're dealing and doing the best we can. My anxiety disorder has been a lot more under control than normal lately, and I think I'm finally making progress. And I'm starting to deal with the whole hover-mom issue. Unfortunately, while I'm ready to get started on a baby S2, husband isn't quite there yet. E's teething and Saturday was a mess. She wouldn't sleep and was so cranky all day. I feel so bad for her because her gums are so swollen and I can feel the tooth pressing down. We're planning on waiting until Winter anyway, but I hope he is ready by then. He has days where he's totally on board and days where he questions things. I know he wants more kids, but we can't wait 2 more years to try. I just don't want to take chances with my kidneys going on that long. He knows that, and is OK with it, but hopefully he'll be even more Ok with it in the coming months.

There are days when it's incredibly difficult to NOT be Ok with it. Like when we have fantastic weather and do photo shoots with Evie outside. These photos did not turn out as well as I'd hoped because of the direction of the sun and I couldn't get any wide-eyed shots, but that's OK. I totally wish they made this dress in my size.

And then there are days when she's stuck in the car for 2 hours and loses it at the end. Like the photos below when we went to DC. She was sooooo good right up until the last 20 minutes of the drive. She really is a great kid.

Here she is kissing the "other" baby.

And being generally beautiful.

I feel like I really lucked out with this angel of a child. She has rough days here and there, but she's usually just a peach. I couldn't love her more. I just couldn't. Except that every day I do.