A Religious Post

I haven't really gotten as much of this out as I need to, and since this blog is for me, I'm going to talk about my feelings involving God today. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, and I don't judge anyone who doesn't. But this is mine.. it's for me. And I need it. Also, apologies to anyone who subscribes to the Catholic views on IVF. To each his own, absolutely. But this is how I feel.

I don't know why, but when I got to work this morning I decided I needed to google "Catholic views on IVF". I was curious, but I'm not sure where the curiosity came from. When I read the official statement, it sort of made me want to throw up. Could this really be what the "officials" in Catholicism think? They called it "evil", and alluded to IVF destroying marriage and social culture. It broke my heart in a way. It didn't change anything about how I felt, but it made me sad to think that people out there really think that's what God would want! And I was left wondering "how could anyone actually think that a husband and wife who want nothing more than to love a beautiful baby shouldn't have that opportunity"? (And others, but this is my story).

This led to more googling, and I found the blog of another Christian woman who had gone through IVF but ended up adopting. I'll get back to that later.

For me, IVF is a fantastic, Godly opportunity. I don't separate God and science. I think they go hand in hand perfectly. I think he gave us the tools and abilities to make discoveries and gorw and learn. And I think that God looks down on IVF and thinks "This is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping you'd do with this knowledge". God says to be fruitful and multiply, but knows above all that it's just not that easy for some of us. Does that mean he doesn't want it to happen for us? Of course not! EVERY child is a child of God, and I fully believe that every child conceived out of love, whether in a petri dish or a womb, is a blessing from Him!

At the same time, reading the blog of the woman who did the IVF and ended up adopting made me realize some things. That I've been, spiritually, going about this process all wrong. I'm trying so hard to control every aspect of this. I'm feeling.. anger and distress and envy. I'm feeling disappointed and distanced from God through all of this. I try to pray, but sometimes I think "I just need to go to sleep" instead. Am I missing the message he's trying to give me? My family has so much hope and faith. My husband just seems to know it'll work. But I have doubts. And I need to use this opportunity to draw nearer to God, rather than put him to the wayside. I need to trust in him, and let him carry me through this time of stress and struggle. We may not be close to the end point of our journey with infertility. I hope we conceive this cycle and have a beautiful baby. But it may not be what's in store, and I NEED God to walk with me.

I don't think I was called to the Catholic site today to tell me I am making the wrong choice or doing something I shouldn't. I think I was called to it to lead me to the other blog... to see what I've been missing in this whole process. God's will, God's strength, and God's love.