Pre-Ultrasound Feelings

**Warning, some of this might be controversial as it discusses gender feelings**

I feel like there's a lot going through my head right now about this ultrasound. Part of me is concerned about my kidneys, but everything's been going well so far and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did my BP at home last night and it was lower than it has been in some time. Still high, but better. I'd had all of these scenarios built up in my head about needing to be on high dose BP meds by this point and needing bed rest early. But so far things look OK, and somehow it scares me. I want to get in there and see a perfect baby, and that didn't happen at my last scan. To me it looked perfect, but to their tiny calibrated machines there was a potential issue. I got an hour long talk about potential problems. And I don't want that. I want to hear that my baby looks great, is measuring on track, has no anomalies, a good amount of fluid, and a great heartbeat.

So while I'm excited to see the little one, and for A to see the little one, I'm concerned because I want it to be perfect and I just hope and pray everything is OK.

I'm also excited, but admittedly a little nervous about the gender. A and I will be happy with, and love and adore any gender. But we're nervous because with my kidneys... well it's possible there may not be a next baby. We're very lucky there's a this baby. I always wanted a little girl to dress up in little dresses. So there's a tiny piece of me that wants a girl. But it's very important to A to pass down the family name, so he wants a boy. If we do indeed only get 1 shot, I'd want it to be a boy so A could pass down his name and have someone to play catch with and do all of those boy things. I know that if we only have 1 baby we'll be thankful to God that we got to have 1 baby... whatever gender, no matter what. But I can't help but want A to have everything he wants. And with an uncertain future, I'm going into it hoping for a boy. Because a little bundle of precious baby is all that's really important. Not little dresses or hair bows or frilly clothes.

Really, my kidneys ruin everything fun. And I feel like if we have a boy, and I can't have more kids, I can be 100% happy. If we have a girl, I'll always wish I could have had that baby boy to do boy things with his daddy. I hate that I even have to think in terms of "if my kidneys don't fail" or "if the medication works". I am so grateful that they held out long enough to do this 2nd IVF and get pregnant with the one we're working on. But part of me feels gypped out of some of the excitement about the future because of kidney transplants and dialysis. It's so scary anyway. And it affects everything in such a profound way.

I try to think positively - that even if I need a transplant, and I'm a bit older when we wanted a second, that I have 3 gorgeous frozen embryos from when I was 30. But it still sucks to be my age and just starting to try to enjoy all that comes with being a wife and a mom, and have my kidneys laughing at me in the back of my mind.

The honest truth is, I'm scared about tomorrow. I want everything to be OK. I want this baby to be healthy. I want my kidneys to keep doing their job. And I don't know if I'll be able to  really enjoy it until I see that everything is OK. I love this kid so much. And I hope that tomorrow my fears are asuaged and everything is OK.