Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Guilt

It's finally happened. Guilt. It came rushing in this morning in a completely heartbreaking and unexpected wave. Since I got pregnant I've felt very little aside from my own personal feelings about my pregnancy. Joy, nervousness, elation, excitement... all of those things. I even thought to myself yesterday that I wasn't going to feel that guilt... but here it is. I've finally realized that I'm pregnant, but there are so many amazing, wonderful, deserving women who aren't. Who are wondering if they ever will be. And I remember that feeling with intensity... thinking it just might never happen. I remember how bitter I was (yes, I'll admit it. I was bitter) about anyone who was able to get pregnant easily. And all of the other emotions that came with not knowing. Our fertility journey was relatively short. We started trying in 02/10 and I found out I was pregnant on 7/8/11. We'd been through cancelled cycles, failed IVF, and I knew that my kidneys were on a timer, so we kept trudging through, all the while never knowing.

I feel guilty for letting it go so easily. I feel guilty for every complaint about morning sickness. And I need to point out that I would take morning sickness a thousand times over to have a healthy baby. So my complaints aren't about being pregnant... just that nausea sucks a little.

Nothing could take away my joy about being pregnant. I just feel guilty for being happy when I want so many other people to get to feel the things I'm feeling. And I know that most of them will. But I know how hard it is to wait.

I still hate infertility for making me feel this way. I can't believe it's still following me now. But I hope and pray that everyone gets the chance to experience the excitement over an expected new baby. I'm going to push the guilt away for now, but I know it'll linger somewhere. I do deserve to be excited. I just want all of the other women struggling through infertility to get their time to be excited, too.

1 comment:

  1. I can definitely relate to this. When I get good news, I sometimes feel bad about posting it because I know that others are still struggling. Then, when I find it difficult to be 100% excited because I'm still 99% scared, I feel guilty because I know how many people would give anything to be in my shoes... Unfortunately, I think infertility will always haunt us. It's like alcoholism--you're never actually "cured."

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