A Bunch of Random Thoughts

Apparently my town got over 7 inches of snow on Saturday. I can believe it. Snow was falling in giant flakes all day long. I'm not surprised that 7 inches fell, but most of it melted right away, so we only had about an inch that stuck around. I don't normally mind snow on the weekend. There's something to be said for curling up indoors with good movies and loved ones and watching the snow fall outside. But this was not nice snow. It was ice daggers disguised for Halloween as pretty snowflakes, that hurt a lot when they hit you! The sidewalk iced over and made an already interesting, unbalanced-pregnant-walk even more treacherous! The good news is it looks OK out today, but it's extremely cold, and I don't think I'm ready for cold weather yet. I'm glad that I bought my coat and have that to wear to work when it's 30 degrees in the mornings. It is supposed to get warmer this week, but I see a long, dreary winter in our future. This just lends more credence to my "the room must be cleared out by December!" argument (although there's no real argument because A has already agreed).

And speaking of December... holy crap. Tomorrow is November. I think the cold weather is messing with my mind because I feel like I'm so behind on Christmas things. I have pretty much nothing at all picked out, except that I want to buy this for A:

It doesn't look like a diaper bag to me, and she'll be born just as baseball season is about to start back up. I also want to get him a ton of stuff from his wish list. And he wants a computer. So I really don't know how to narrow it all down, and there's a piece of me who just wants to buy him everything, and I probably shouldn't do that. Although when we get a computer, I get my new desk I've been longing for that's smaller and closes up to give us more space in the living room!

I told my family we're cutting back on Christmas gifts this year in order to make more room to buy things for Evangeline. She needs more than they do! I want to buy her crib in December and get it set up, and though it's not super expensive, it's not $10 either, so there's a lot of financial planning that needs to happen. Fortunately A has been working out of control hours (63 this week) and is going to be getting awesome paychecks, but I do hope that backs off once it gets closer to her arrival date.

In any case, this weekend is "purge weekend" and a lot of stuff is getting tossed. I'm so excited for this. I am a sentimental person, but only for certain things. The last thing I am is a pack rat and I have no issues getting rid of random stuff. I'm hoping the house looks a lot less cluttered soon. And we get baby girl's closet cleared out so I can hang up all her adorable clothes. Next weekend mom and I are starting on the bedding. We may actually have a nursery pretty soon. I'll be 21 weeks on Thursday, so it's probably a good idea to get started.

I'm such a slacker.

Finally

Did I really finally pick out bedding? Yes! I did! Yesterday my mom offered to make my bedding (love her) if I could find fabric. So I decided to go with one of the sets I was going to have custom made, but we're going to do it! I got all the fabric for @ $100! My mom is an amazing seamstress, so we're going to work on it together. Here's what I finally picked.

Crib sheet:

Outside bumper:

Inside bumper:

Crib skirt:

It looks like such a hodge-podge right now but it'll be great all put together. And if for some reason it doesn't look right, I'll just get some solid fabric instead. But I'm excited. I should note these are all part of a collection. They're coordinated.. I didn't do it lol. I love this because it's made for little kids, it's cute, I ADORE the colors, and it has pink, but it's not an overload of pink. I got enough fabric to make the valance, and Im' going to make art work too. It's going to be fantastic and I'm incredibly excited.  I love all of the little animals and the bright colors. It's clearly girl fabric without being overdone.

Basically what I'm trying to say is "YAY!"

A Big Milestone

I can't believe it's here... I can't believe I'm 20 weeks!! It's amazing to look at all that we've gone through and to finally be pregnant and expecting a little girl in March. I know we still have a long way to to go, but I'm so incredibly grateful to be here, and I'm counting down the days until Thanksgiving when baby girl hits viability. I'm so incredibly in love with her and preparing for her arrival has been the most amazing, exciting time in my life. I can't wait to see A with her. I can't wait to see my parents hold her for the first time. I can't wait to spend 3 months with her all day every day!

I'm still praying every single day that she continues to grow and get stronger and healthier. That my BP stays down (141/73 last night!) and my protein loss stays down. And that she gets everything she needs.

I do feel incredibly behind on all the prep for her arrival. I haven't bought anything for the nursery, and we still have so much to do. I'm still not decided on bedding and it's driving me nuts. I still haven't worked on her room. I really need a weekend where I don't have anything planned and I think next weekend is finally that weekend. And it's in November! Although the weekend after that I have a 3 day weekend and I think I can get everything packed up that weekend so we can move everything out. A knows I want to have everything cleared out before December, and I think things are starting to get a little more real for him now that he's seen her again and we know she's a she and such. And he's going to see her again on the 8th.

I feel like I keep saying "I have to get things done" and not actually doing anything, and time is creeping by. It's only 4 weeks until Thanksgiving!!! And I only have 18 weeks left until her birth (queue freakout). I haven't started thinking about labor or birthing classes or hospital tours or... oh dear lord. I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!! (Yes I'm really freaking out a little lol).

I need to go do something.. anything to speed this process up!!

Still Moving Right Along

My 20 week appointment was yesterday. I can't believe it! I'm 20 weeks tomorrow! Halfway done!! It was a pretty special appointment because when I told A it was in our town, he wanted to come, so he got to hear her heartbeat for the first time! It's so nice to know she's still in there because movement has been very infrequent. I know that's normal but it still makes me feel nervous. My total weight gain at 20 weeks is either 5 or 8 pounds. I asked her what my weight was last time, and she told me, and then said that's where I started. I was too excited to clarify, but I'm happy with either. My BP was the same as it always is, except the diastolic is really low. He went so far as to say it was "wonderful". Systolic is still in the 150s, but that's normal for me anyway. He said BP drops around 18 weeks, but it starts to go back up as you get closer to the third trimester, so he wants me back in 3 weeks to keep a closer eye on it.

He also said he got my 24 hour urine results, and we had a sort of funny conversation about it that went like this:

Dr: We got your 24 hour urine results. It was 3 grams. That's high. Is that what you normally run?
Me: Usually I'm at about 6 or 8.
Dr: GRAMS!?
Me: Yep.
Dr: Oh... well... I guess that's good then.

He did say it will go up, and I expect that.

Then we heard her sweet little heartbeat. A didn't know that's what it was at first because so many weird sounds come from the doppler. It's cute how in love with her he already is, and I know it's going to be so different when he's holding her and feeling her kick. Right now he's still detached because she's in my body. He tries to feel her kick and rubs my belly, but she's not cooperating just yet.

All in all, I'm happy with how things are right now. Before I got pregnant, the doctors put the fear of God in me because of my kidneys. I was expecting to be put on  a stronger BP med early on, and to have horrible (worse) proteinuria. I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd been put on bed rest earlier. So to be at 20 weeks with no issues is just an amazing blessing from God, and I'm so thankful to be here. I'm still trying to prepare myself for potential complications later on, but I'm hoping to stave them off for as long as possible. so far her growth is good. I have a fetal echocardiogram in two weeks, where I think they'll check her growth again. I'm assuming I'll be in there for monthly growth scans after that. Right now I'm still just praying to get to 24 weeks. Once I get there I can just hope and pray to keep her in as long as possible. I hope the time goes quickly, and I hope this pregnancy continues to go smoothly. I'm so in love with my baby girl and I want her to have the best start, which means remaining an inside baby for as long as possible!

The Bedding Dilemna

Well it's been an interesting few days. It started out with me picking out some bedding from Etsy that I really like. There are a few options, and it's custom, so I get to pick the fabrics. Here are the ones I like:

Right now I'm leaning towards the last one. I was originally thinking the second one, but I'm thinking I might want something a little more... "little girl". I could see using the second one in my own room. If I do pick this last one, I'd do the bumper in #8, the crib sheet in #10, and the bumper in #3. The quilt would have all the fabrics, and her name at the bottom. The valance would also be in #10. Then I think I would just order a yard of #10 and staple it to canvas to make artwork to match.  The walls would be in the aqua/green color. The color scheme here is exactly what I want. It's girly, but not TOO girly, and has a lot of the aqua that I love. And it's an animal print which is what I really wanted in the first place. The set is going to be about $350 all told, but she does good work, and I'm planning on spending a lot less on the crib than what a lot of crib sets go for, so it evens out. I'm still not 100% sure, but I've been talking with the seller and she's great, so I'm pretty sure whatever I get is going to come from her!

So.. tell me what you think! Which do you like the best for a little girl?

Pictures Forthcoming

What a weekend. What an awesome weekend, I should say. We went up to PA on Saturday after A got home from work. We headed straight for Linvilla Orchards, which is one of my favorite places in the world. They have an amazing fresh market with pies, cider, fresh fruits and vegetables, and a bunch of other cool home-made things. They have face painting, a petting zoo, hot donuts, and a huge pumpkin place with TONS of pumpkins, and cool carvings and things. They also have hay rides. Normally we go on the "Autumn Moon" hayride, but they stopped selling tickets early, so we went on the kiddie one to the witch's house, but it was a lot of fun. It wasn't crowded, and we got cider and marshmallows at the end. We went out so everyone but me could have a few drinks afterwards, and that was nice because I love it when A gets to see his friends.

The next day we had breakfast with 2 of his friends, and one of them, a guy, said goodbye to Evangeline and patted my belly. It was cute. She's already got people acknowledging her! Shortly thereafter I went to Carter's with my mother-in-law. Let me just say that I am SO glad I have a good relationship with MIL. We just get along really well, so we spent two hours out shopping for baby girl. And uhm.. Carter's... wow. I've never been into a Carter's store, and I should probably never go back. We were doing some shopping in the baby section in the front of the store for probably 45 minutes. And then I discovered the clearance rack.

I'd been looking online for clothes and found a bunch of cute dresses, but they were all out of stock and not coming back in because we're headed into winter. I was depressed because if baby girl comes in March, she'll only be in winter stuff for a month. Well all of the stuff I wanted was on the Carter's clearance rack. And the clearance stuff was 25% off, AND I had a 25% off coupon. So I got her 2 sleepers, a jumper, a couple of dresses, a couple of rompers, tights, and a few other things for $50. MIL bought even more than I did! So the closet is full of tons of cute baby stuff. And we've made a pact not to buy anything else until after my shower. We did get mostly 6 and 9 months, assuming most people will get me newborn and 3 month, so hopefully we were right with that.

We also went to Baby Supermart, and I got to see one of the bedding sets I liked in person. It's really pretty, but I'm just not sure. My mom doesn't like any of the sets I've picked, and I think I'm going to go with my gut and get the bird one. It's discontinued so I have to move fast.

Tomorrow I get to hear baby girl's heartbeat. I love those appointments and just knowing she's OK in there. 4 more weeks and we'll be at 24 weeks!!! I can't believe it. Before I know it, it will be March and little one will be here with us. I can't wait.

So Much to Do!

Things are finally really settling in for me. I'm 5 months pregnant. In 4 months I'm going to have a baby to take care of. And I feel like I have so much to do and not nearly enough time to do it. I decided I needed to come up with a list, and I wanted to put it here, just to document what I felt I needed to do before baby girl comes.

• Clear out the guest room. We have to store the bed frame and desk.
• Clear out the closet. It's currently storing all of our Christmas decorations, stuff from when I was a kid, college, etc.
• Re-do the living room. This means getting a new DVD tower and consolidating, getting a new, smaller desk that closes to keep our clutter contained, and getting a new litter box bench because we can't keep it in the guest room anymore, and it just doesn't fit anywhere.
• Paint the nursery
• Pick out and buy bedding and nursery furniture
• Clear out the downstairs closet 
• Take all of our "excess" stuff to mom and dad's basement for storage
• Deep clean the house including shampooing the nursery carpet

So that's just the house stuff that has to be done and I'm sure I forgot something. Then there's all of the... labor classes, hospital tour,  setting up maternity leave, etc. And in the midst of all of this is my birthday, A's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's.... wow.

Time is going by pretty quickly and each day makes me freak out a little more. All of the things we have to do are also going to get expensive considering how much I need to save to be able to take off 12 whole weeks. We'll make it work, but things are a bit tight and I'm not used to that anymore. It's probably better to get used to it again with little miss on her way. I'm so excited but starting to feel the pressure! It's kind of neat.

Photomania

I really wanted to buy baby girl a dress, so I went to Kohl's and bought a few things. I also discovered that they carry in store a lot of the things that Babies R Us only sells online. Here's what I bought today:

And here's what A picked out yesterday. I LOVE this:

How far along? 19 weeks! Halfway there!

Next Appointment: Tuesday is a check-up, then Nov. 8 is the fetal echocardiogram

Weight gain/loss: I haven't been weighed. My guess is about 7 or 8.

Maternity clothes? Uh.. yes

Stretch marks? Yes

Sleep? I wake up a LOT to pee. And I wake up every time I turn on my side. I can't sleep on my back anymore because I can't breathe well when I do. I guess it's true what they say that your body will let you know when you need to stop.

Best moment this week? Seeing my girl on ultrasound!!!

Food cravings: Teppanyaki from Sakura!!!!

Odd pregnancy symptom of the week: Nothing new really

Gender: GIRL!!!

Belly button in or out? In. Still hoping it stays in!

Movement? Yep, she's moving. It's getting more often and more obvious.

What I miss? Turkey subs

What I'm looking forward to: Holding my baby in my arms.

Weekly wisdom: I have no new knowledge lol.

Milestones: Baby girl weighs 8 oz!

Belly pic:

And I picked out what I think is the best picture from the ultrasound:

It's kind of hard to make out, but that's her!

Processing

I'm pretty sure yesterday ranks up among one of the most absolutely profound and life-altering times I have ever and will ever experience. My mom, A and I got to the maternal fetal medicine center and talked for a bit, and my mom took a few pictures. We didn't have a long wait, and were soon ushered back to the room. The ultrasound was started right away, and I asked to see the heartbeat just for reassurance. She showed this to us and I was able to determine that the baby had its head down with its chin tucked into its chest, curled up with its knees tucked in. It didn't look at all comfortable. I think the coolest thing to see was the spine, which is calcified now and looked amazing. A was trying to process that there was a baby with a spine inside my body!

We went through the measurements of the head and belly, saw the blood flow to the kidneys, and saw the brain. As usual, the baby was not cooperating and didn't want to move. We kept tilting the table and rolling from side to side. I coughed again, which the baby didn't like again, but it was cute because it kept wiggling when I did it. We saw perfect hands and little legs and feet, but we didn't get great pictures because of the positioning. After about 45 minutes they had me use the bathroom, in hopes that the baby would move. At that time the doctor (who I adore) came in and explained that she'd been watching from another room. She didn't have the pictures she needed of the heart, profile, or left foot, but she said everything else was perfect so far. They had me lay back down and amazingly, baby had turned so we got the profile and good views of the heart. The doctor again explained that everything looked perfect. There were no soft markers, no visible defects, and though the NT has measured a bit off previously, the nuchal fold was fine. She told us our chances of chromosomal issues had dropped even further, to more than 1:5000 for down's.

I'd been a little worried about my fluid after my issue on Friday, but she said it was perfect, and my cervix was long and closed. And the baby was measuring exactly on track at 8 oz. She said it was measuring right at my due date, which was a relief for all of us because the biggest concern with my kidney problem and protein loss is that the baby won't grow properly. So far so good, though. We also got a good look at the lip and palate, which we were also concerned about because I was on prednisone which can raise the risk of cleft palate, but it also looked good.

And, sometime in the middle of all of that, she asked what we thought about the gender. My mom and I both said we thought it was a boy. I'd put boy things on my registry and told a co-worker I would be shocked if it was a girl. A was convinced it was a girl, though. And... he was right. It's a GIRL! It was a very clear shot, so we're pretty certain. We immediately went into name mode, and I decided right away that she was an Evangeline, not an Elise. A likes both names, but gave the edge to Evangeline, too, so I'm glad he likes what I picked. I love the story behind the name (it's from a poem about a woman who loses her love but finds him again in old age and he dies in her arms). It also means "good news" and she was the best news I've ever received. My mom started crying and I just sat there in total shock while A picked out middle names (so far we like Noelle and Leah). It didn't really settle in for a while, though.

When we left we called A's mom, who started crying immediately. She thought we were playing a trick on her lol. My dad was thrilled as well. We also went to Babies R Us and A picked out her first gender-specific outift! I'll post a picture later but it's a set that has a sleeper with purple elephants that says "daddy loves me", a onesie, little purple pants, and a bib that says "daddy's sweetie".

He's still trying to process that we're having a little girl, and I think so am I. He says he can never go to Philly without me now because he needs to be home to protect his girls. I was so convinced we were having a boy I'm still in a bit of shock that I'm looking at baby girl clothes. We're so in love and A keeps saying "I love my girls" and rubbing my belly and calling her by name.

After BRU I went to my friend's house, and I didn't end up getting home until  11:30. On the way home I think it finally hit me that we're having a baby. That there is a perfect, gorgeous baby girl growing inside me. I'm going to have a daughter! And all I could think was I hope I don't let her down. I hope I'm what she needs... that I can always support her and she always knows she's loved. The bond I feel with her is so much stronger now I can't even describe it. And I don't know what did it... I mean I'd seen her before. But now I can look at a little profile and little fingers and toes and see her wiggling and feel her moving against me (which she's doing right now). And I can call her "she". Evangeline... my baby girl. My heart is full in a way I can't describe. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be. I want to do everything for her.And it's not that I didn't before but it's different now. I don't know how.. it just.. is.

Pre-Ultrasound Feelings

**Warning, some of this might be controversial as it discusses gender feelings**

I feel like there's a lot going through my head right now about this ultrasound. Part of me is concerned about my kidneys, but everything's been going well so far and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did my BP at home last night and it was lower than it has been in some time. Still high, but better. I'd had all of these scenarios built up in my head about needing to be on high dose BP meds by this point and needing bed rest early. But so far things look OK, and somehow it scares me. I want to get in there and see a perfect baby, and that didn't happen at my last scan. To me it looked perfect, but to their tiny calibrated machines there was a potential issue. I got an hour long talk about potential problems. And I don't want that. I want to hear that my baby looks great, is measuring on track, has no anomalies, a good amount of fluid, and a great heartbeat.

So while I'm excited to see the little one, and for A to see the little one, I'm concerned because I want it to be perfect and I just hope and pray everything is OK.

I'm also excited, but admittedly a little nervous about the gender. A and I will be happy with, and love and adore any gender. But we're nervous because with my kidneys... well it's possible there may not be a next baby. We're very lucky there's a this baby. I always wanted a little girl to dress up in little dresses. So there's a tiny piece of me that wants a girl. But it's very important to A to pass down the family name, so he wants a boy. If we do indeed only get 1 shot, I'd want it to be a boy so A could pass down his name and have someone to play catch with and do all of those boy things. I know that if we only have 1 baby we'll be thankful to God that we got to have 1 baby... whatever gender, no matter what. But I can't help but want A to have everything he wants. And with an uncertain future, I'm going into it hoping for a boy. Because a little bundle of precious baby is all that's really important. Not little dresses or hair bows or frilly clothes.

Really, my kidneys ruin everything fun. And I feel like if we have a boy, and I can't have more kids, I can be 100% happy. If we have a girl, I'll always wish I could have had that baby boy to do boy things with his daddy. I hate that I even have to think in terms of "if my kidneys don't fail" or "if the medication works". I am so grateful that they held out long enough to do this 2nd IVF and get pregnant with the one we're working on. But part of me feels gypped out of some of the excitement about the future because of kidney transplants and dialysis. It's so scary anyway. And it affects everything in such a profound way.

I try to think positively - that even if I need a transplant, and I'm a bit older when we wanted a second, that I have 3 gorgeous frozen embryos from when I was 30. But it still sucks to be my age and just starting to try to enjoy all that comes with being a wife and a mom, and have my kidneys laughing at me in the back of my mind.

The honest truth is, I'm scared about tomorrow. I want everything to be OK. I want this baby to be healthy. I want my kidneys to keep doing their job. And I don't know if I'll be able to  really enjoy it until I see that everything is OK. I love this kid so much. And I hope that tomorrow my fears are asuaged and everything is OK.

18w4d and Strangers are Noticing

I got my very first comment from a stranger tonight! I was in the line at the grocery store and the checker asked how far along I was! Granted, I was rubbing my belly, but still... people don't ask unless they're idiots or very sure. So I'm thinking it's pretty obvious at this point.

The baby has also been moving like crazy. I feel it so incredibly low that I wasn't sure for a while, but I'm pretty sure it's the baby. It feels like something wiggling against my uterus and it tickles and makes me laugh. It's been happening a lot today and it's such a cool feeling. I can't wait for A to see how it moves on Wednesday.  I can't believe in 2 days we'll finally get to call our baby "baby boy" or "baby girl". Or its actual name... Andy for a boy, and either Elise or Evangeline for a girl. We're going to go buy something afterwards and we'll finish up our registry.

Things are going by pretty fast. I wish I was 36 weeks or had a healthy baby in my arms, but I'm excited with every day that passes. It'll be nice to see the little one and make sure it's OK. Wednesday can't come fast enough.

A Scare, and Lots of Pee

24 hour urine tests are even less fun when pregnant. Honestly I've been putting the test off since I was about 10 weeks. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this test. I'm sure that my protein level is out of control. And I'm scared that they're going to flip out at the OB's office. That they're going to mis-diagnose me with Pre-E soon because my next 24 hour urine might be 500mg higher. It fluctuates like crazy all the time and that's just par for the course for my body.

As I approach 20 weeks I'm starting to get more nervous. I thought the opposite would happen but I can't express how badly I want to be 24 weeks along. I'm mildly terrified that I'll get pre-E way too early, or that something will go wrong. I'm trying to trust in God and know that he's holding me and this baby in his hands.

I had a bit of a scare on Friday because I noticed my underwear was really wet and it seemed to be clear fluid. I called the on-call OB and she told me to empty my bladder then wear a pad for an hour. She said if it was wet it likely wasn't from my bladder. I did this, and it was dry save for one teeny spot I'm 99% sure was pee. So what does this mean? I'm leaking urine like a champ *sigh*. But it's much better than the alternative. I'm still nervous that my fluid is low or I have a leak, but I have the anatomy scan on Wednesday and they should be able to tell.

We're pumped for the ultrasound. A is really excited about the gender. I didn't think he would be so excited but he has said a few things about it that made me laugh. Like "Can they just tell us the gender first so I can pay attention to the rest of what they say?" Lol. He's so funny. We're excited and just hoping and praying all is well. We know God has it all under control.

Ocean City Weekend!

A and I went on our 2 year anniversary trip this weekend and it was awesome. My OCD tried to ruin it but we managed to have a really good time. We didn't have any arguments and we did so much cool stuff. Not that we usually have arguments but we were stuck together for 3 straight days.

We got to my aunt's condo on Friday night and brought all of our stuff in. It was a cute little place with a kitchen, 2 beds, a table, a couch, and a bathroom. And it has a great TV. We arrived late, though, so we went to sleep pretty early. The beds were kind of awful, but we got some sleep and were ready the next morning to hit the boardwalk. Until we noticed there was no hot water. We showered, sort of, and it was kind of hysterical because A insisted on getting all the way under the water. I just washed my hair and face. We later discovered the hot water heater was broken and we'd have to deal with it the entire trip!

We also discovered that a car show was taking up the entire inlet parking lot, so there was one teeny lot for the million people that were there (most for the car show). Somehow we managed a spot, and we headed to the boardwalk and had breakfast, then went to the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum. There is so much cool stuff in there - like a REAL piece of the Berlin Wall! But the museum is large and I got very uncomfortable after a while. Here's a picture of A with his giant hand on a replica of the tallest man in the world's hand:

For reference, my husband has giant hands, so this is craziness!

When we left we ran into a guy who was surrounded by birds. A went to get a picture and the guy asked me to come closer, so I did. He put bird seed in my hand and I got attacked by pigeons!! Tons of them landed on me and ate out of my hands. A got pictures but I don't have them. I did get a picture of the AMAZING shaved ice I had been looking forward to.

Strawberry and Skylite. I should note that I ate 3 of these from 3 different places but this one was the best! I had a bit of a sugar high this whole weekend and am now back down to earth. I am sure I gained 5 pounds but now that I'm back to "real" life I'm eating less again, so hopefully I will be back down by my next appointment. Although I don't think he'll complain even if I am up 5.. 8 pounds at 20 weeks isn't too bad.

We left the boardwalk shortly after that. It was actually 3 o'clock and we had some shopping to do. We didn't end up getting out to dinner until later in the evening. We went to a famous Ocean City place called Dumser's and I had fried chicken and I got ice cream. And when I say ice cream.. well.. I thought I was getting a normal 2-scoop sundae. This is what they brought me:

This is a gigantic sundae. I asked for chocolate syrup, marshmallow, chocolate chips, and wet nuts. But I expected it to be half this size... so I only ate half of it. It was amazing, but... wow. And they have 3-scoop sundaes!!!

After dinner we played mini golf which was a lot of fun, then retired to the room to watch baseball.

The next morning we stayed in and slept in. My sacroiliac was really acting up but it went away after a while, and we headed back down to the boardwalk to go to the haunted house. It was pretty lame but it was still fun, and only $3. Then we played a game and won a prize for my friend who came to take care of my cats. It's a minion from Despicable Me. She's in love with them and we won her a big one. Teamwork! Then we went to the souvenire shop and got a few little things. Afterwards I drug Andy down to the water. He was not in any way dressed for the occasion, but he wanted a picture in the water. Well I got him as a slightly bigger wave came up and completely destroyed his jeans with sand.

He was not a happy camper until he got home and changed his pants. I had to change mine, too, but I love the ocean too much to care. We went to an all you can eat seafood buffet after this. Andy doesn't eat seafood but went just to be nice so I got my money's worth in crab legs and he... didn't. But he was a sport and I'm grateful. We then played mini golf at a different course. Andy got some good pictures there but I didn't. He sweet-talked us into a second round for free, too. My husband sure can talk. It was a lot of fun, but we made a relatively early evening of it and went back to the condo to watch more baseball and hang out.

I should mention that we spent $75 on candy on this trip. We each bought stuff for work, and we bought fudge for my brother and my parents... but we also bought candy for us. It's amazing, but... well... that's a lot of money on candy. And finally, we brought home a new family pet!

It's a little tough to see, but it's a hermit crab with a superman shell. His name is Clark and I love him.

We made it home around 3 yesterday and managed to unpack everything and I took an amazing nap in my own bed where the pain in my hip is so much less. All in all it was a great weekend, and we're planning on doing it next year during the summer so we can take little one to the beach and hang out with our friends. I can't wait already!

My What Changes a Week Can Bring

How far along? 17w5d

Next Appointment: Next Wednesday - Anatomy Scan. YAY!

Weight gain/loss: Haven't checked. +3 at the last doctor's appointment. I probably gained a lot this weekend but will probably lose it shortly.

Maternity clothes? Definitely. You'll see why later.

Stretch marks? Yes

Sleep? I get up a lot to pee and switch positions, but otherwise it's OK when I'm not in pain. I still get that sacroiliac sometimes and it's horrible.

Best moment this week? I think I felt the baby move. It's hard to tell and it's been a few days, but I think I did! The baby is moving. It did it this morning and it felt like a slimey animal slithering around in my uterus. I'm not sure how I could mistake that for something else.

Food cravings: None really. I was desperate for some sicillian pizza but I got it so I'm OK now.

Odd pregnancy symptom of the week: Lightning crotch. I got my first one yesterday. I said "WTF was that?" and then realized baby is big enough to start pressing on the nerves.

Gender: 8 days!

Belly button in or out? In. Please stay in.

Movement? I thought I felt some last Wednesday and Thursday but I haven't felt much since so now I'm not sure again. Yes.

What I miss? Not feeling sick.

What I'm looking forward to: Not feeling sick lol.

Weekly wisdom: I may have said this before, but pregnancy pillows are a godsend for hip and back pains. It helps to use a second knee pillow.

Milestones: Baby is 5 inches long and starting a growth spurt!

Belly pic:
 

 
 
I posted this on facebook and got the question "Are you sure you're not further along? How many babies are in there?". Yes, I'm sure, and it's only 1. But I'm huge. I know this lol.

Thought Vomit Thursday

Concept stolen from Mag. I thought this was a fantastic idea, even though I can't tell her on her blog because my security from work is mean. There's a funny picture of a baby that goes with this, but I'm too lazy to put it up right now, so instead I will post random things in my brain in aesthetically pleasing bullets.

• I hate OCD. People think it's all about germs and organizing, but it's really about total life suckage, and I want to punch it in its ugly face.
• Hubs is sick and I wish he would get better. I hate it when my poor guy is sick.
• I am psyched for the trip this weekend, but I'm REALLY tired and I have to drive the three hours. I have absolutely no business being tired given the amount of sleep I get so I'm going to assume the tired will go away soon.
• I hate it, but I have to admit that my mother was right. I'm going to be sick this entire pregnancy. I'm lucky that I only throw up in the mornings, but my stomach is unhappy all day. Thanks for passing this one down, mom.
• I wore leggings under a skirt today. I used to think that was stupid and now I'm doing it myself.
• I really wish people understood elevator etiquette. When you are waiting for an elevator, and the doors open, you let people off before you get on. It's not hard. It really isn't.
• I'm so freaking excited about the cool weather and the upcoming holidays. I can't wait to go Christmas shopping and get a bunch of days off.
• I'm worried about maternity leave. Right now I have no leave. Seriously, none. I get a lot working for the government, but I can't take any more days off before the baby comes without dipping more into borrowed leave or leave without pay. It's crap. Why did I have to get so sick!?
• I'm getting a raise soon and 2 extra hours of leave a paycheck. I hope this allows me to put more money in savings. I need so many things right now.
• I would like to make an entire jar of pickles my lunch, but my kidneys wouldn't like it, so I have no idea what to eat. Second runner up is a giant thing of frozen yogurt.

That's about it for now. That's seriously all running around in my brain. I need to calm down. And sleep. And eat some food.

Best Feeling Ever

I'm pretty sure I felt the baby move last night. I got home late and laid down and tried to be still and quiet and just pay attention. After a few minutes I felt what seemed like a little bubble sliding up along the side of my uterus. And then what felt like a bubble popping slowly against it. That was it, and I went to sleep right after that, but it was amazing. It tickled a little, and made me laugh. I'm looking forward to the anatomy scan with fervor. That way I'll be able to see the baby moving and see if I feel it.

There isn't a lot else going on in the world of human-growing. My OCD has been a beast this week but I'm doing my best to deal with it. I've got an amazing husband and beautiful baby to give me the strength to fight it. It's empowering, and I know I can do it. Other than that it's business as usual.

Guilt

It's finally happened. Guilt. It came rushing in this morning in a completely heartbreaking and unexpected wave. Since I got pregnant I've felt very little aside from my own personal feelings about my pregnancy. Joy, nervousness, elation, excitement... all of those things. I even thought to myself yesterday that I wasn't going to feel that guilt... but here it is. I've finally realized that I'm pregnant, but there are so many amazing, wonderful, deserving women who aren't. Who are wondering if they ever will be. And I remember that feeling with intensity... thinking it just might never happen. I remember how bitter I was (yes, I'll admit it. I was bitter) about anyone who was able to get pregnant easily. And all of the other emotions that came with not knowing. Our fertility journey was relatively short. We started trying in 02/10 and I found out I was pregnant on 7/8/11. We'd been through cancelled cycles, failed IVF, and I knew that my kidneys were on a timer, so we kept trudging through, all the while never knowing.

I feel guilty for letting it go so easily. I feel guilty for every complaint about morning sickness. And I need to point out that I would take morning sickness a thousand times over to have a healthy baby. So my complaints aren't about being pregnant... just that nausea sucks a little.

Nothing could take away my joy about being pregnant. I just feel guilty for being happy when I want so many other people to get to feel the things I'm feeling. And I know that most of them will. But I know how hard it is to wait.

I still hate infertility for making me feel this way. I can't believe it's still following me now. But I hope and pray that everyone gets the chance to experience the excitement over an expected new baby. I'm going to push the guilt away for now, but I know it'll linger somewhere. I do deserve to be excited. I just want all of the other women struggling through infertility to get their time to be excited, too.

A Scare, and Random Comments

I had a very scary morning this morning. I got up and took a shower like normal. I threw up (sort of... I went through all the motions but nothing came out) and then dried off and went into the bedroom. I'd been nervous about my BP so I decided to take a reading... which came back at 150/103. Uhm... WHAT!? I immediately checked my ankles for swelling (none) and then made sure I didn't have a headache. I tried to take the reading 3 more times and kept getting errors. So I pulled it together and came in to work, and immediately went to the health center. We have thousands of employees so we have a real health center. I sat down for a few moments then had them take my BP... 136/79. THANK GOD. I know this machine gets calibrated so it's correct. I'm pretty sure my home monitor is either messed up because it's 10 years old and has never been calibrated, or my BP was artificially high because I'd just thrown up. It is never ever that high, and 99% of the time my diastolic is in the normal range. I hadn't taken my BP meds in a while, and I took them between the two readings, but I don't think that was what did it. So I'm feeling better about things. If it was Pre-E or anything like that it wouldn't have come down to normal so quickly. It still makes me a teeny bit nervous but I know the doctor is monitoring me, and I know we have tons of room to up my dose if we need to, so hopefully everything will level out. But note to self: don't take BP right after throwing up.

In other news, it appears I really am showing. This weekend Andy and I went to Philly for his friend's wedding. While Andy has been home a few times, I haven't been up there since I was about 6 weeks pregnant, and so I haven't seen anyone in a while, and they definitely noticed a difference. One of them gave me the lovely quote "Whoah! Look at that baby!", while another one came up with a gem that was something along the lines of "I didn't know you were supposed to get this big by 16 weeks!". To be honest I don't mind those comments at all because it makes me feel like I look pregnant, not just fat. I feel, internally, like the baby must have really done some growing lately, too. I'm sore and stretched all over my lower abdomen, and I think all my organs are starting to press upwards because I never have an appetite anymore. I think my stomach is getting smooshed. It's definitely weird. I get sort of excited with each new pain though, and each time I see myself looking bigger in the mirror. It makes me feel like I'm doing a good job and this baby is growing well. I can't be sure that's the case, but that's how it feels.


I'm looking forward to getting away this weekend with Andy and relaxing. I think we both need it. And when we come back it will only be 10 days until the anatomy scan!  I can't wait for Andy to see this baby. Still counting down to 24 weeks, but I feel a little better as each week passes. I know anything can still happen, but I'm glad that for now things look OK. I will do anything I can to keep them that way and keep this little baby safe. I can has 38 weeks now?????

Just an Update

I guess I haven't been writing in here as much because there's so little to talk about these days. I get to see and/or hear the baby once a month, and aside from the anatomy scan all of my "is this baby normal" tests are done as of today. For the record, my AFP blood work came back negative. This is, again, a screening test, but it just means it's not likely my baby has an open neural tube defect. THANK YOU JESUS. They didn't call me with the results, and I'm starting to think they just don't call unless they have bad news for you. So for now I'm just... counting down the days until the anatomy scan (16 if you're curious).

It's sort of starting to freak me out just how quickly this pregnancy is going. I can't even feel the baby yet but I remember so vividly being 5 weeks, having our first ultrasound... and now here I am with this baby that looks like a baby and moves around on ultrasound like it's having a dance party. I know I'll be feeling it soon and you can sure as heck see it at this point. I feel like I'm going to wake up and it's going to be March 1st and I won't have anything done. I know our lives SHOULD be settling down come November, but things always come up and I really have to start working on getting the house in order. I'm glad to be 16 and a half weeks at this point and I'm also just waiting patiently for 24. To be honest, so far things look pretty good. My swelling has been minimal, and my BP is a little high but it hasn't been rising, and I haven't gained much weight. I did call the doctor today to ask about my BP. The last two times I've been to the OB it has been about 154/84. This is not ridiculous for me since I have kidney problems, but I also don't want to hit 20 weeks and see it climbing into the 160s over 90s and get stuck on strict bed rest. I'm thinking if we can start taking care of it now we might be able to avoid that. I'm currently on Aldomet, which is a "lesser" BP med, but is also category B. I'm on a tiny dose of it, so we have tons of room to up it if we need to. And we could also switch to labetolol if we had to, though I'd like to avoid that if possible. The doctor doesn't seemed concerned since my BP is consistent (and it's always lower when I'm leaving or not at the doctors - I think it's a little white coat syndrome) but it makes me feel better to ask.

For now I'm hoping and praying for a good anatomy scan, and to get to 38 weeks. There's nothing right now to indicate that I'll have any issues but I know my kidney problem and my weight make me high risk, so I feel like I can rest at least a little easier once I hit 24 weeks, and it can't come soon enough. The good news is that things should be getting a little less stressful now. Andy and I are going away for the weekend this weekend which we haven't done... well.. ever. So that should be a nice change of pace for us. Andy could use a 3 day weekend where he doesn't have to get stressed over a wedding, too, so I'm pretty excited.

Everything is moving along for the time being, and I'm just trying to take it easy and not gain a ton of weight. So far, so good. I get to see little one again in a few weeks and Andy finally gets to see it too! He's going to love it. The holidays are coming up and it's my favorite time of year, so I'm pretty happy. Praying things continue to go well for us.