Fear

I've been getting a little scared lately. Well, I guess "getting" isn't the right word. I've been scared, but done my best to put on a brave face. I've kind of accepted the idea that nothing is going to make my kidneys better, but the idea of transplantation is still scary, and I still don't want to need one. So I've decided to do the one last real medical thing that could help. The thing I've been threatened with since Day 1 that terrified me more than anything else - Cellcept.

Cellcept is a terrifying drug, but the fact is that if it doesn't work, I'll need a transplant, and if I get a transplant, I have to take it anyway. So I figure I'll give it a shot. But I'm terrified. My dad took a similar drug and developed a staph infection in his spine that nearly killed him. And there was an association to lymphoma. I don't want to give myself cancer while trying to stave off a kidney transplant. I want to do what's best, and right now I don't know what that is. If you're the praying type, please pray for guidance for me. I could use it.

This whole kidney ordeal has taken on a much deeper level of hurt since I had my daughter. The idea of seeing her sad because I'm ill makes me want to throw things. And I don't want her to lose me. She needs me. So if nothing else, I've decided to put my kidneys at the forefront and make the changes I need to make. He mentioned living gluten-free. I don't know how plausible that is, but he said since it's not an allergy, but somthing to do with a sugar attached to the IGA that any reduction should help, so I'm going to live as gluten-free as possible and see how I do. It won't be easy, but I can do it. I have to.

The good news is he asked if I lost weight. I said I thought so, and he said he knew I had because he had to use a smaller BP cuff. So I'm doing something right at least! Only 110 pounds more to go lol. I do feel like I'm finally starting to get my health on track. I feel stupid that it took having a baby to motivate me, but at least I'm motivated. And I need to get my cholesterol down, too. I'm so thankful I can take lipitor again now, and hopefully between that and my weight loss I can start to reverse any atherosclerosis that has started. I need to do better.

And some more gratuitous cuteness.

Happy baby!!

Actually doing OK with tummy time and not screaming. That's because she's watching tv. But look how strong she is! And she's SO close to rolling back to front!!

Being cute in her little dress at mom-mom and popi's 40th anniversary party. Chewing on her hands as always. Complete with leg rolls.

OMG I forgot to mention she slept from 7:30-6:30 straight last night. 11 HOURS with no feedings. BOO-YAH my kid is the best.