One and Done

The phrase "One and done" has been playing through my mind for days. Longer, really, but it has ramped up in the last little bit. And each time it stabs me a little bit harder.

When I was a kid, and I didn't have any worries, I was going to have 3 kids, and the first two would be boys, then a girl (so her brothers could protect her of course). Pregnancy, in my head at least, didn't have complications, and I didn't have kidney disease.

But it does, and I do.

For a little while I was trying to reconcile myself with adoption. I thought I might not be able to get pregnant physically, and if I could maybe I shouldn't. I told myself I would adopt and that would be OK. And I consider myself so fortunate to have my little girl. I'm not ready for more kids. I want to give her everything. I want to focus 100% of my attention on her. I don't want to have to tell her I can't play because I'm feeding the baby. I don't want to think about someone else being as important to me as she is.

But I do want more kids. I thought maybe we'd try when E was 18 months, so she'd be a little over 2 when the next was born. And by try, I of course mean FET because.. yeah the other way just doesn't work. Maybe if I didn't have 3 embryos in the freezer it wouldn't be so hard. But I look at E and how amazing she is and I think we have 3 other babies with the potential to be amazing, I want to give them a chance. And maybe if I knew someone would give them that chance if I couldn't I would be OK. But I don't know that. And I want my babies to get the opportunity to live. I guess I never thought my kidneys would actually go so far down hill. Or that my "cutoff" of 35 would loom so close. I wanted to be done having kids by 35, but that might not happen. I hate not knowing. And I kind of hate knowing that celebrities wouldn't have to think twice about getting a gestational carrier, but that I don't have tens of thousands to spend to give my little ones a shot. Because of my stupid, defective body.

I am eternally grateful for my little girl. And it's not that she's not enough. I just think about her getting older when we're not here. Right now she has no cousins, she eventually won't have parents or aunts and uncles. I want her to have someone to be with and share things with.

And it's hard to not have control. All of the same people I was so jealous of who got pregnant right away the first time are having or talking about having second babies. And I can't think about it because my body's in too sorry of a state. One day my close friends are going to be having their second and third babies, and that same sting is going to hit over and over if I just can't have a new baby again.

I will always be grateful for what I have. Is it wrong to want to be able to have more? To be saddened by the idea of not giving E a sibling, or A the little boy he longs for? To be disappointed in my body for being a failure all over again? I don't know. Maybe it is. But I want to give my little frozen embryos a chance to survive. I want my little girl to have siblings. And I can't apologize for that. I hope that one day I do have the chance to have another. I know that no matter what happens I have my gorgeous girl. And I'm thankful, always, for that.