I've mentioned a few times in this blog that I have severe, crippling OCD. I've been in therapy since I was 5, and on medication on and off since I was 13. We are pretty sure it was caused by a strep infection that triggered PANDAS and eventually turned into regular OCD. Whatever the cause, it happened, and it's awful. I go through rough periods where I take medication, and then I go off meds when I think I'm doing OK. But I have what you would call "medication sensitive" OCD meaning that medication works WONDERS for me, and I'm VERY lucky in that regard.
About 2 years ago I hit one of the lowest points in my life. I'd gone off prozac in an attempt to try to conceive. I was OK for a few months, but then the OCD started back up and it was absolutely horrible. I don't want to detail it now, but it was rough. OCD tends to be triggered by stress, and my life, for some time, was incredibly stressful. We'd found out that my kidney disease was progressive. We tried to treat it and it didn't work. We discovered my husband had a brain tumor that caused infertility. Needless to say, things were hard, and coupled with my OCD, life was tough for both of us. I knew that I could defeat the OCD. I'd done it before. I tried a new medication that simply did not work. And, though I'd never been depressed in my entire life, I started to become someone new. My husband used to tell me that I was not the same person he married. I started expecting the worst - assuming my kidneys would fail quickly rather than hoping for treatments to help. I questioned God, and lost faith in almost everything. Looking back on it now it's clear to me that I was very depressed. Not clinically, but due to so many events that I just couldn't let go of - that skewed my whole perspective.
When I got pregnant I was happy. But the negativity was so deep-seated that my outlook was a mess. I was still worrying, and unable to look for hope instead of fear. I stopped taking medication when I hit the third trimester because I didn't want to risk my daughter's health. I was horrible to deal with. I was snappy, cranky, angry, argumentative... which had nothing to do with my daughter, of course. I was thrilled beyond belief for anything dealing with her. But it was certainly not an "easy" pregnancy, and my husband... oh, my poor husband.
When my daughter was born it was the most amazing experience of my life, but when we brought her home it was a lot harder than we'd imagined. She slept in 45 minute increments, so I was sleep-deprived on top of everything else. My husband and I had a lot of "If we don't fix our relationship we are not going to make it" talks. We were just not meshing, and I was incredibly picky. He didn't have the instinct I did, and I was completely unwilling to let him figure anything out on his own. I tried breastfeeding, but it simply wasn't working. I pumped and got a teaspoon after half an hour.And at that point I decided I needed to go back on medication for my OCD, and for my cholesterol, and we made the decision to formula feed at about ten days. Could I have tried harder? Possibly, but I don't think it would have happened. And I'd been without cholesterol medication for 2 years. It was time.
It was weeks before I started to notice a real difference. I was struggling somewhat with Evie's reflux. Seeing her in pain just brought me to tears, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I was her mother, and I NEEDED to fix her. That was my job, after all. But even still, many times I would just hold her close and sob happy tears while she slept, praying and thanking God for the beautiful miracle in my arms. And then, one day, everything changed.
My OCD had started letting up some. Evie started feeling better after giving Zantac some time to work. She started showing her true colors - as a happy, squealing, cooing, energetic, playful, talkative, sweet, sweet girl. And I started really, truly appreciating the wonders that really had been occurring in my life. Yes, I have kidney disease. But I have a beautiful daughter that at one point I didn't think I'd ever have. Andy and I have been doing well and finally adjusting to life as "mom and dad" instead of "Erika and Andy". With the OCD abated, and nothing holding me back in that regard, life became... good. It became impossible to be anything other than completely content for more than a few moments. It is literally not possible to walk into the house after a long day, walk over to your drowsy baby, lean down and say hi, and have her eyes widen, a huge smile cross her face, and a huge squeal come out because she loves you... and still be upset. It's just. not. possible. Or to wake up in the morning, peer over at the rock n play, and watch as her eyes adjust to being awake, she focuses in, and laughs as she realizes I'm there.
I'm glad I started the prozac to clear out the cobwebs. I wish I didn't have to take it, but all it does is give me the proper brain chemistry. It just puts me on the same playing field as everyone else. And now I can really be myself again. I feel honestly happy, deep down inside. Evangeline has made that possible. I can no longer look at my life and not see how lucky I am to have such a beautiful girl that I got to carry and deliver like I always wanted. Although I don't think lucky is really a good word for it. I'm blessed. I am truly blessed to be living the life I am. And now I have a reminder of how beautiful life can really be.
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