I went to the nephrologist this morning. It was just a sort of "How are the meds working" visit, and it was OK. He mentioned the IVF a few times and said if he gets good numbers next week he's going to tell the high risk OB he thinks we should go for it. He's honestly concerned about me and my future in all aspects and that's a really cool thing for a doctor. He wants me to stay on the prednisone as well, which I was sort of nervous about because of all the side effects. My family seems to think the chest issues (palpitations, feeling my heart beating a lot) are from anxiety, and this wouldn't surprise me at all. He also mentioned that prednisone ups anxiety. I have an appointment on Friday to see about getting on medication. I've been researching the various drugs a lot, and I know what I absolutely will not take. I'm hesitant to take anything, but at the same time, I'm thinking "If I'm having panic attacks and irregular heartbeat and chest pain due to anxiety... what would that do to my baby?". My OCD has been classified as moderate to severe, and I don't know that it wouldn't be worse for my baby to deal with the constant anxiety. We're not talking some normal nervousness, but real panic... almost every day.
I keep thinking to myself how much better it would be if we could just take 6 months and use some medication and try to get my anxiety under control first, but... from talking to the Dr. today, it's just not an option. He actually wants me to get pregnant as early into my prednisone treatment as possible to ensure the prednisone is still helping my kidneys for as much of a pregnancy as possible. Like he's really unconvinced that it will help long term. And am I willing to completely give up my dreams of a baby because of an anxiety disorder? No, I'm not. It's taking so much else of my life away from me that I'm putting an end to it. If I have to use a low-mid dose of a medication, then I think that's what I have to do. If it was mdoerate anxiety I think I would avoid it, but as severe as it is, I honestly believe it would be worse for the baby to just leave it. So I hope everyone isn't thinking "wow, what a horrible mother you're going to be" because I'm not willing to risk not having a baby at all because of a maybe 1% increased risk of something. and the evidence is so conflicting. Does that make me a bad person? I dunno. But I don't think anyone should judge me until they've been faced with the decision themselves... because it's horrible. My life is one horrible decision after another and I'm not letting go of this one.. of trying to have a biological baby, until someone says "Erika, I'm sorry, you just can't". I've also tossed the thought around of seeing if they'll give me Xanax on super bad days, so that I can continue using behavior therapy, and just have the meds for if it gets REALLY bad.. so I don't have to miss work. It's short-acting, so I could just.. not use it.. when I'm pregnant but it would still help me get through the horrible days while allowing me to practice the cognitive behavioral therapy for a few months and hopefully start benefitting more from that before pregnancy.
In other news, I have lost weight. I was not even 10 pounds from the weight limit for IVF on the doctor's scale this morning. He said he could tell I've lost weight and that given that I'm on prednisone in such a high dose, he's amazed. He was clearly impressed. Me too. He actually said he was going to talk to Dr. Neale about the weight limit since I'm so close and under extraordinary circumstances. I had very little water retention which is also cool. I do, however, have to get an ultrasound of my kidneys on Friday. They're not expecting to find anything but he wants to see if there's anything visible causing the pain I've been in.
I guess I'm just stressed out today, but what else is new? I want the OCD to go away, and I want to chill out! I feel like I don't enjoy anything anymore because I'm falsely anxious (OCD anxiety is so weird. I'd rather have a real problem any day. I've never felt anxious about anything that was a real issue [OCD anxiety feels like dread. Literal dread though, not like "I'm dreading work tomorrow"]. Nervous, down, upset, sure.. but not anxious like this. I HATE OCD.), and when I'm not falsely anxious I'm worried about my kidneys, and when I'm not thinking about my kidneys I'm thinking about baby struggles. Well, next Sunday is my 24 hour urine so I should know next week if the prednisone is working. AHHHHHHHH!!!! I want my results right now!
Congrats on the weight loss, that's awesome. Working on weight loss myself I know how hard or easy it can be. Just keep your focus.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the meds, you know what you can handle and I doubt you would knowingly put your future child(ren) at a huge risk. Unfortunatelly so many meds are unclassified since they wont test them on pregnant women. Though there are some places that have women that were on drugs followed to see the effects. It's based on them being truthful.
I was just dx with ADHD in June and will have to stop taking the drug I love while pregnant. I consider myself more of a moderate case since I had already built in coping mechanisms. DH was not happy when I told him I couldn't take them while pregnant. Since the drug is out of the system in 4-6 hours I figured if things are really bad I will take 1/2 a dose to see if it will help. Or when I know we will be doing something that will stress me out/make me anxious like traveling. But I don't plan on taking it regularly like I do now.
It's so hard with drugs because some of them were so necessary. I know I'm doing the right thing by talking with the doctors. I just wish my case wasn't so severe.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for all of the motivation. Where are you in your journey if you don't mind me asking? I remember you were taking a break earlier in the year. I hope things are going well for you.
I've been on a RE break since March. I've been taking Femaprin (Vitex) the last 6 months and did have at least one great ovulation. Of course, that was missed and I don't think we BD in enough time. There were possibly 1-2 others, but maybe not. Not sure what made me O. Possibily weightloss, thyroid under control, IR under control, or Femaprin.
ReplyDeleteEarlier this month I added DCI to my list and will try that for a few months. I need a break soon so if the more natural meds and weight loss doesn't get me anywhere I'll change things up next year. Probably do a month of BCP to calm hormones down and go back to the RE. Unless I'm ovulating more regular, then I'll keep going for a while longer.