Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I committed the cardinal sin of infertility last night and *gasp* I googled. I've been concentrating so hard on losing weight, and I had 2 very bad days this week on Sunday and Monday. I was back on track yesterday and am doing fine today, but it got me thinking about this weight limit they impose on me. As of Sunday my BMI was 39.4 (this morning I weighed more, but I always do during the week when I way myself before 11am. Plus I'm not fully recovered from 2 bad days yet). Just barely in the "obese" rather than "very obese" category. I'm so mad at myself for letting it get to this point, and even madder that I let myself have 2 bad days. What if I gained weight back? What if I'm really 277 again, and have to lose 8 or 9 pounds by a month from now to do the IVF? Can I do that? Sure, I lost 8 pounds the first three weeks, but they were the first three weeks! In any case, my google research showed that IVF success rates are lower in women with BMIs over 30, and that miscarriage rates are higher! I don't know what I'd do if I lost a baby. I don't think I could handle it. And yet I can't wait until I lose all the weight because then my kidneys would get crappy again.

My husband said to trust Shady Grove, and I'm trying. They picked their BMI limit for a reason, and their success rates are extremely high (over 60% clinical pregnancy and over 50% take home babies). These rates surely include people like me who are very overweight, right? He said I should ask my nurse about it, but I don't want to hear "well, rates are a bit lower..." so I dont know if I'm going to. I think all I can really do is keep trying my best. I want to punch myself for screwing up my food on Sunday and Monday. I did get back on track, but I'll be devastated if I gain weight this week. I know it happens sometimes to anyone on a weight loss plan, but I have this timeline, and I really want to start in March. I guess what I need to do is start adding in some exercise. I'm still scared because of the heart palpitations, but the doctor seems to think it's from the prednisone, and I'll be off of that soon (THANK GOD). I had an EKG and it was fine, so hopefully it's not going to be an issue much longer. I'll jut have to try a lighter workout. I can back stroke for 45 minutes pretty easily and still burn a ton of calories. Plus I absolutely love swimming. I think when I get back from WI I'm going to start again. I'll have two weeks of working out + eating right before my next period.

I figure that if we start next month, I'll be on BCPs for 3 weeks and then have a week before I get my period, so I will start stimming somewhere around April 5th. That gives me almost 8 weeks to lose weight before the actual procedure. I'd love to lose 15 more pounds. That would bring my BMI down to 37, which is still high, but better. And I'm still eating plenty of food, I'm just eating better food and not over-indulging, so it's quite healthy. I suppose if the IVF doesn't work, I'll just continue losing weight until we try again. Probably another 8 weeks. I feel like such a jerk for gaining so much weight. My lowest adult weight was 180 and my BMI was 25.8. I looked and felt fantastic. How did it get this bad? I'm almost 100 pounds over that, and I was more than 100 pounds over that at one point! It's only been 10 years. I'm just sad at the state of my body, and I need to lose this weight for me anyway. But... I do hope we can have a healthy baby. I need to stop scaring myself and just do what I need to do. And no more bad days. The plan is flexible enough that I can work anything in, so there's no need to binge or go crazy. I know I can do this, it's just a tough day.

2 comments:

  1. The most important thing is to be focused on your goal. Think about the fact that you might not be able to do IVF if you eat X.
    For me the focus can be flexible at times which leads to problems. My RE doesn't really care what I way and I did IVF at a higher BMI and got a BFN. Though I think that had more to do with fast stimming and higher TSH.
    STAY FOCUSED. You can do it.

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  2. Thanks hon. I know I can lose the weight I'm just so scared now. I need to put the laptop down!! I keep trying to tell myself all my blood work is perfect so there's no reason to think it won't work, but.. it's me, and I need to worry lol. How are you doing!? I wish you had a blog I could read haha.

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