View From Above

This is what I see when I look down. It looks huge. Every once in a while I catch myself thinking I'm not that much bigger because I had a belly to start with. This is a fallacy. I'm huge. And I think the size of my belly is soon going to prevent restaurant eating. I already can't sit in a booth. How horrible is that????

I went onto my Target registry to remove the breast pump (which I'll get to in a minute) and noticed that someone bought the baby bath tub! I am so excited because it was one of the few things I really wanted that isn't sold in stores and I wouldn't be happy with a similar one. So now little one has the required gear for not being a dirtball! And with that comes the added bonus that I'm starting to feel like I will actually have what I need for this little girl. I mean.. we have a bathtub.. what else do we need, right? OK, maybe a few more, but we do have a stroller and car seat, and I think A's mom is getting the pack n play. So besides some little blankets and swaddles, I could get by with just getting the swing and the monitor if I had to (I, of course, don't want to have to since there's more I'd REALLY like. Like a diaper pail, which may not be a necessity but will make my life so much easier).

So.. why not the pump? Well.. I'm getting really down and out about breastfeeding. Not about wanting to breast feed because I want to so badly! But about the logistics of making it work. First and foremost, my boobs have been the one part of my body that haven't taken to changes. They aren't bigger at all, they're not leaking or anything. And I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it freaks me out that they just aren't going to work. And the OCD. I've been off of Lexapro completely now for 4 days, and I can already tell that it was doing something. Not a lot, but something. Part of me was thinking "maybe we should start the meds back up" but I only have a short while before delivery and I CAN MAKE IT. I did have a panic attack today, though. I haven't had one in a while, but there it was, complete with raised body temperature/sweating and fight or flight feelings. I'm using alternative coping methods right now, and my parents got me an OCD workbook for Christmas I started on today. But once she's here... can I do it without meds? I'm starting to question myself. I want to... I hope I can... but I don't know, and so I've decided to play it by ear. If I can breast feed and pump, I'll rent one from the hospital. I hope and pray I can.... that I can overcome the OCD without meds. But I'm trying to be realistic, and I was only going to breast feed for 3 months anyway. I didn't realize rental was an option, but if it is.... it's probably the better one for a short-term BFer. So don't take this as "I'm giving up". Because I'm not. Because I'm strong. But... it's a ton of money to spend on a product I may or may not use for more than a short time when I can rent one instead.

I want to do right by this baby. I want to give her everything I can. And while part of me wants to give up and go back on meds now, I know this is for her, and she's worth it. And I know that learning the tools to cope with OCD once she's here is just going to give me a head start on dealing with it down the road, when I need to put all my effort into making my baby girl happy. So it's hard and it hurts, but I need this. And maybe this is a little side effort thrown in by God to show me that I CAN overcome this with other tools because right now it's all I have.