Aaaaaand I Get Bad News

As expected, I have failed the 1 hour glucose test. Prior to getting pregnant I'd had some tests done that showed a high A1C but awesome fasting glucose. So they pretty much felt I was headed to diabetes but not there yet. Shortly after those tests I started taking high dose prednisone, which just.. wreaks havoc on your pancreas and blood sugars. I was frequently testing at 390 and on insulin. That wasn't something I could change. Prednisone is a terrible drug. And I'm wondering if it caused some permanent damage. But whether it did or not, things aren't looking good. They wanted to see a number under 130 and mine was 190. I'm fully expecting to fail the 3 hour, which I'll be taking next weekend because I can't take the time off work. I have to eat a specific diet for 3 days prior. It's basically just them trying to ensure I eat enough carbs for an accurate test and, uhm.. that won't be an issue.

The thing is, if I'm being honest with myself, I need to lose weight. I was morbidly obese prior to pregnancy. And I know people will say "No way, I've seen your pictures"but... yeah. I carry it well, but I am more than 100 pounds overweight. And now I just feel kind of stupid. I tried many times to lose weight, and I have been successful. I lost 50 pounds in college, but I did it by basically not eating and exercising obsessively. I lost 17 pounds before my wedding on Weight Watchers, but I gained it back when I started steroids. But I feel like there will always be something that comes up to keep me from losing weight, and I just need to do it. Especially now. Chances are I'm going to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and I know that with my history, Type II isn't far behind. And I can't let that happen. I have a daughter now, and my kidneys and cholesterol (hereditary) are enough of a worry. I don't need something I CAN control to make things even worse.

My BFF Megan who is due in the beginning of April is planning on starting Weight Watchers right after her baby is born, and I plan on starting right after E is born. Our leave should overlap by at least a couple of weeks, so I'm hoping we can get some exercise in together with the babies. And I love Weight Watchers. It really is such a fantastic program that teaches you how to eat, and it works. I just need to stick to it when life gets in the way. I'm hoping to breastfeed for a while and that would help with the weight loss.

I've also decided that I think I'm going to schlep the family to Chicago in July. E will be 4-5 months and hopefully in a pattern, and I really want A to get to see his team in their home environment. I know it might not be possible, but every year there's a new reason we can't go. Last year it was a failed IVF causing us to have to pay for a second round. So if we can get by maternity without using our credit cards, I'd like to at least try. It'll also depend on where Andy's working, but we'll see.

Oh yeah, and tomorrow we're FINALLY painting the nursery!!!!! I'm so excited. I'll post pictures of the transformation. Today I'm going to go get a new curtain rod fr the baby's room too, 'cause what we have right now is really ugly. I like projects so this should be a lot of fun!

29 Week Appointment

I'm full of mixed emotions today. Someone else called my mom and said they were so excited about our baby and she was such a miracle. It made me think about our journey, and I said to my mom "I don't think I was supposed to be pregnant". I think if you had asked the universe whether or not I would ever have a baby, it would have given you a resounding "NO". I mean I started out with "PCOS" (quotations to be explained) and weird cycles. My kidneys started failing before the wedding. The doctor even said if we were working on baby #2 he'd just say no (and the RE wouldn't do IVF without his and the MFM's approval). When he did say OK, we found out A had a brain tumor and severe MFI. It was just such a ridiculous road. Although it turned out I didn't have PCOS, (just lucky to have hair on my chin I guess) nothing helped my kidneys. It was such a trying time, and I was teetering on the edge of losing faith. But I'm pretty sure this baby girl is brought to you by God. It just seems so weird to me that with all of our obstacles we've gotten this far... and in good health!

I was nervous going into today's appointment, but it really couldn't have gone better. Baby girl is still growing well. She was 2lb 15oz today, so almost 3 pounds! This puts her in the 43rd percentile, which is just fine. We still didn't get a good profile, though. Although she's head down (hooray for cooperation!) her head was low, and she's still folded up like a taco with her toes on her forehead. She has been at every appointment since 22 weeks, and I think she's stuck that way for the long haul. It's funny to know that the movements I feel so low are her head and feet, and the random rib level ones are her butt!

My BP was 147/79, and the girl who took it said "Oh that's pretty high". I said to her "Oh it's good for me!". She asked if I was sure, because she could take it with me on my left side. I said it was fine, and the Dr. would be happy. Well shortly thereafter, the doctor came in and said "You know me too well! I'm very happy!". And she actually told me that when they did my blood tests, my creatinine was 1.05, which is pretty good! It tends to go down a tad during pregnancy, but with kidney disease there's always the risk that the stress will make your kidneys worse, and so far mine are doing well! YAY KIDNEYS!

We were both pretty excited that I'm 29 weeks and doing well. She did say the next month was pretty crucial to development, but she seems pretty comfortable that once we hit that point we'll be in pretty good shape.

Since E was in such a bad position, we, once again, didn't get a good profile. She clearly doesn't understand how much her grandma wants to see her pretty face. We did get a head-on shot somehow... and it's super weird but I'm going to post it anyway.

The eye sockets are so creepy. BUT I do see some sweet little chubby cheeks and a cute little chin. It looks like my chin, with the teeniest of dimples.

I'm shocked and amazed to be here, and I keep going back and forth between wanting her out because I'm in pain, and getting teary because I'm going to miss her so much when I can't feel her moving around anymore. Either way, I'm going to have a baby soon, and it's insane.

View From Above

This is what I see when I look down. It looks huge. Every once in a while I catch myself thinking I'm not that much bigger because I had a belly to start with. This is a fallacy. I'm huge. And I think the size of my belly is soon going to prevent restaurant eating. I already can't sit in a booth. How horrible is that????

I went onto my Target registry to remove the breast pump (which I'll get to in a minute) and noticed that someone bought the baby bath tub! I am so excited because it was one of the few things I really wanted that isn't sold in stores and I wouldn't be happy with a similar one. So now little one has the required gear for not being a dirtball! And with that comes the added bonus that I'm starting to feel like I will actually have what I need for this little girl. I mean.. we have a bathtub.. what else do we need, right? OK, maybe a few more, but we do have a stroller and car seat, and I think A's mom is getting the pack n play. So besides some little blankets and swaddles, I could get by with just getting the swing and the monitor if I had to (I, of course, don't want to have to since there's more I'd REALLY like. Like a diaper pail, which may not be a necessity but will make my life so much easier).

So.. why not the pump? Well.. I'm getting really down and out about breastfeeding. Not about wanting to breast feed because I want to so badly! But about the logistics of making it work. First and foremost, my boobs have been the one part of my body that haven't taken to changes. They aren't bigger at all, they're not leaking or anything. And I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it freaks me out that they just aren't going to work. And the OCD. I've been off of Lexapro completely now for 4 days, and I can already tell that it was doing something. Not a lot, but something. Part of me was thinking "maybe we should start the meds back up" but I only have a short while before delivery and I CAN MAKE IT. I did have a panic attack today, though. I haven't had one in a while, but there it was, complete with raised body temperature/sweating and fight or flight feelings. I'm using alternative coping methods right now, and my parents got me an OCD workbook for Christmas I started on today. But once she's here... can I do it without meds? I'm starting to question myself. I want to... I hope I can... but I don't know, and so I've decided to play it by ear. If I can breast feed and pump, I'll rent one from the hospital. I hope and pray I can.... that I can overcome the OCD without meds. But I'm trying to be realistic, and I was only going to breast feed for 3 months anyway. I didn't realize rental was an option, but if it is.... it's probably the better one for a short-term BFer. So don't take this as "I'm giving up". Because I'm not. Because I'm strong. But... it's a ton of money to spend on a product I may or may not use for more than a short time when I can rent one instead.

I want to do right by this baby. I want to give her everything I can. And while part of me wants to give up and go back on meds now, I know this is for her, and she's worth it. And I know that learning the tools to cope with OCD once she's here is just going to give me a head start on dealing with it down the road, when I need to put all my effort into making my baby girl happy. So it's hard and it hurts, but I need this. And maybe this is a little side effort thrown in by God to show me that I CAN overcome this with other tools because right now it's all I have.

And Another Thing...

I just signed up for a birthing class on 1/22, and a hospital tour on 1/23, with the expectation that E will be arriving sometime near, or shortly before, 3/1. What? Am I far enough along that I just signed up for a birthing class and a hospital tour????

And in other news, my mom says she's "pumped" for my baby shower, which is less than two weeks away. My vernacular is rubbing off on her! Two of my friends are out buying decorations and baby gifts today! I can't believe in a few short weeks she'll be here, and all the final prep work is actually getting done. I remember thinking that 38 weeks felt like forever, but now it feels so close. I'm glad I scheduled everything though, because a lot of the January stuff was booked already! I guess it really is going to be January in just a few days. And I'm going to have all sorts of baby stuff soon after. This is turning into a bit of a whirlwind, but I'm so excited!

Christmas Blues

Well, first and foremost, I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday. I didn't, but I should have. It seems these days my emotions have just taken over completely. I argued a lot with A, and I even argued with my parents. When people say the third trimester is really hard, this is no joke! Every symptom has ramped up, but particulary the emotions. And I think when adding to that that I am officially 100% OFF Lexapro (YAY ME!!!)... well... it's just not a good mix. I'm going from being angry to thinking I'm a failure as a wife and daughter because I get angry... it's a mess. I took my first bath in ages (I would do this constantly if we had a nice soaking tub) to kind of calm down and it helped, but it made my joints worse. To be honest, I just need to get this baby out. 8 weeks to go until full term. I can do it! Haha. She's worth it. And I still want more kids. But... I can't wait to have ME back!

I did get a lot of cool stuff for Christmas, including TONS of gift cards, which I decided to mostly use on myself, despite the urge to buy things for E. I figure she has a shower coming up, and it's probably the last Christmas I'll be getting gifts. I don't know if I've mentioned much about this, but I'm a TOTAL nerd. I play tabletop RPGs, and a few weeks ago someone stole my bag out of my car. It looks like a laptop bag, but it really contained RPG books, dice, and character sheets. So I spent a lot of my money buying a new bag  (and I do need a laptop bag), a book, and new dice. But I did get a few things for E, and A bought her a few things too.

I picked out a Zelda onesie and A picked out a Mario one. I got the Mario in my stocking and I was so excited. We love old school video games. Hopefully E will too!

I bought her this because it's cuter than the onesies, and she should be in that size when we get to see the Sox play in August.

And a little light reading borrowed from a co-worker who got this for Christmas. It's pretty awesome.

So today I am, unfortunately, at work, but I'm off in a few hours. I work tomorrow, then I have a half day Thursday because I have my glucose test and a growth ultrasound (yay!), and I work from home Friday and it's another 3 day weekend. This one should be more peaceful because although we have plans NYE and NYD, we'll be in our town. We did have an awesome time with A's family, but it's exhausting and I'm glad we don't have a ton of driving to do again before E arrives.

All in all, things are good. I think E is getting a lot bigger because every day her movements get more and more pronounced. Some of her kicks feel a little less like someone bumping me from the inside and more like someone trying to jab their elbow through my skin lol. And at night she's crazy and just rolls around. She makes me laugh, and I can't wait to see her. I need to get a handle on my emotions, but I only have a few more weeks until she's full term and safe, and hopefully she'll decide to come on her own then. 9 weeks until my induction. Holy crap.

A Picture Timeline

I'm not sure why, but I just decided it would be awesome to post pictures from all of my ultrasounds to see how much E has grown from pre-transfer to 28 weeks!

This is Evie as a 6 day old expanded, hatched blastocyst. This picture is absolutely stunning to me. I look at it and think "How is it this tiny thing has grown to an over 2 pound child squirming inside me!?

6 weeks 5 days. You can't even tell the baby from the yolk sac in this!

8 weeks 5 days. Starting to look a teeny bit more like a person and waving "Hi mom and dad!"

12 weeks - at the NT scan. Chillin' and looking more like a baby sitting in a hammock.

18 weeks  6 days, with her little nosed smooshed. She has visible eyes and lips. And she's begun finding her new favorite position of legs over her head.

22 weeks. The most beautiful profile I've ever seen. Her legs still over her head. 



24 weeks 5 days. Legs over her head, as always. Still the cutest nose I've ever seen.

Next Thursday she'll be 29 weeks and I'll be seeing her once more. I can't wait to see what she looks like, and I'm praying she's in a different position. It's so strange to see the changes she's undergone from teeny embryo to baby. I'm so in love and can't wait until I get to put up pictures of her at birth!

28 Week Progress

I've gotten a lot of new information in the past few days, and I don't know why I haven't posted any of it! I finally got the results from MFM. Everything is looking good. My 24 hour urine was 4g instead of 3g this time, but she wasn't worried because 6g is standard for me and I'm still well below that (which also means the last test wasn't a fluke!). She also did liver tests, though, and those were fine, so.. no Pre-E for me! My hematocrit was low though so I have to start taking iron supplements.Hopefully this will help with the fact that I do things like fall asleep at 7pm on a regular basis.

I also saw the OB yesterday... and I'm up 5 lbs from two weeks ago! AHHH! That means 16 pounds total, which is getting way too close to my 25 pound max goal. I do think some of it was water as I was swollen yesterday, so we'll see how my next appointment goes. My BP was insane.. 164/70, but I could feel it pounding when she took it because I'd just stood up really fast, so I asked the doctor to take it again and it was down to 140. Plus he said with Pre-E they look at the diastolic, and there's "no way" I'm developing pre-E with a diastolic of 70. So... good reports!!!! He also came in and looked at me with this big smile and said "27 weeks!!!" Like "WTF are you doing here with no major issues?". He was surprised but very happy. And, of course, it's actually my 28 week appintment, so even better!!

Tomorrow I'll officially be 28 weeks with no problems in sight! I'm feeling really confident that I'll get to 30 weeks, which, for some reason, was a personal goal I had. And hopefully at 30 I'll feel confident about 32 and so on. And once I hit 32 I get to see the baby twice a week for NSTs.

Yesterday we got her heartbeat up above and to the right of my belly button, which was very unusual, but I think at this point she's just getting really big! I get to see just how big next Thursday, and my mom is going to try to come, so I'm excited. She came to my 18 week, and it'll be cool for her to see just how baby-like E looks now days.

Tomorrow I'm ordering her crib. I'm so excited to finally have a piece of baby furniture on the way. We still have to pick up the changing table from my mom's friend, and then I just need to get the dresser. This is what I'm ordering:

It's the Graco Lauren in Espresso. It's very traditional and standard, but I think it will go well with our contemporary bedding and nursery. And it looks black online, but in person it has a lot of red, so it's really pretty. I can't wait to have it put together. I'm planning on ordering the Graco Portland dresser but... $250 just seems ridiculous for a dresser to me. I think we paid less than that for our giant, solid cherry dresser! But going through her clothes, she needs a place for onesies and little pants to go, so it's a necessity. And I think I might be able to use the BRU 20% off coupon with it, so we'll see. Whatever the case, in a week and a half, we'll have a cleaned, painted nursery with a crib in it!!!!

Getting Closer

Things are starting to get a little more uncomfortable. I think E has got to be about 3 pounds now. I can feel her up by my ribs and down in my lower pelvis at the same time. I'm thinking she's going to come out pretty long. I'm definitely starting to feel more pressure down there, and things are stretching and getting sore again. I get particularly sore at night when I roll from side to side - in my hips especially. I just keep thinking to myself that all of this is happening because she's getting bigger, and my body is preparing to evict her! The good news is my SI joint has let up a bit, so it's not quite as difficult to walk.

She's been extremely active lately. Last night I was typing on the laptop, and she kept kicking my arm. It cracks me up how much she moves and I love that she has a sweet little active personality. I can't wait to go in next week and see how much she's grown and what position she's in.

We pretty much got nothing done in the nursery. I'm bringing A some boxes from work tomorrow for him to finish packing things away, and I think all we need to do is move things into the car, which we can't do now anyway. I took two really long naps and was exhausted all weekend. I know that's just going to get worse, though, and I can't wait for it to be done. The good news is, there's very little to pack, and the rest is just moving things around. I think we can fit it all into one car load, so we should be ready for the painting on the 1st.

I have an OB appointment tomorrow and my glucose test this week. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I'm almost 28 weeks pregnant. That things are winding down now and sooner rather than later I'm going to have a baby girl. I've been doing a lot of watching "A Baby Story" and every time I see the baby come out and the mom hold it for the first time I get teary-eyed thinking that soon I get to look in MY baby's eyes and kiss on her little cheeks and watch her daddy fall in love. I can't say how thankful I am for this miracle baby. But I am... so incredibly thankful for her. And as tough as this road was, she is already more than worth it.

YAY

AHHHHHH!! Someone bought our travel system!! We can bring our baby home from the hospital!! OMG I'm so excited I can't even stand it. I've been so nervous about getting some of the bigger stuff, so I feel so relieved that we have the absolute most important thing. I can buy a pack n play and a bouncer, now that I have a way to transport her in the car and to take her for walks. I'm just so excited.

I had a little talk with E in the shower about how much I love her, and how I hope when she comes out she knows I'm her momma. I can't way to stare into those big, beautiful eyes and just tell her she's mine and I'll always keep her safe.

I also started making some small changes in the nursery, so hopefully A can just go through his totes, box up a few things, and we'll be done except for moving stuff into the car. I think he's going to let me get rid of the desk. Whew.

Things are actually coming along a little bit. My shower is 3 weeks away! And then my little one will have things she needs. YAY!

Random Thoughts

I woke up at 5:45 this morning. It wasn't so bad. I think that's more due to the fact that I had a short week and a Christmas party at noon than anything like my body preparing me for labor. I'm pretty sure my body is just going to laugh at me when E is here and I'm trying not to be so tired.

I got a gift card on our secret santa, so I lucked out this year at both parties. This one was for Target, and I keep thinking I can have a little cluster of gift cards put away to buy stuff for E after the shower! So far I've got $30 for target, and $60 for Amazon (though that was a birthday gift so I might use it for me!).

I also took an updated photo today!

 

Pardon my dirty mirror. It's weird to me how my belly looks different. It's so round and.. baby-like! And speaking of babies, this guy is obsessed with me.

He's laying on my chest, like usual. Lately, every time I take a nap he's on my lap for hours at a time. He sleeps with me almost through the night, and he always wants to be on me. He's so freaking cute it's nuts. My other cat hasn't been quite as lovey. I'm thinking this guy knows change is coming. I'm excited though. Love my kitties. And I wanted to put pictures in here. Blog posts with pictures are so much better!

Hello, Third Tri!

Wait a second... is this real? Yep, pinching hurts (I swear I did that). I am 27 weeks pregnant today!!!! And really, that needs more than 4 exclamation points. I'm in the third trimester, and not having BP issues. It has been drilled into my head since day 1 that we could experience all of these issues (with "could" somehow always sounding more like "will" from the mouths of doctors) and I had these visions of being on bed rest at 20 weeks, delivering at 24.... and I'm at 27 and everything looks perfect!

For this, I a grateful first and foremost to God. Every step of this journey has been a medical miracle. From conception to healing kidneys to my baby girl growing on track. It was such a long road to get here, and there were so many (seriously... you wouldn't believe it) times when I sat in my car crying and pleading and begging and on the very edge of losing my faith. And I won't say "ask and ye shall receive" because, let's face it... it doesn't always happen. But I am so grateful to be experiencing this miracle. I wasn't sure I'd ever feel my own little one rolling and stretching inside my body. But I am. And thank you Jesus for it!

And yet... 27 weeks means "OMGITSCRUNCHTIMEANDIDONTHAVEANYTHINGDONEWHATAMIGOINGTODO!?". Yep. It sounds like that in my head.. capital letters and all. So I called my mom yesterday and we set up a mass room overhaul for January 1. Since I will obviously not be hungover. She and my dad and I are going to paint the room and steam clean, so the next weekend (WHAT!?) when I have my shower, I have a place to bring all the baby stuff! And seriously... my "edging" looks like someone just tossed paint at the wall and hoped it missed the celing. So.. I need my dad's help.

I can't believe my shower is so close. And I'll actually have some of the baby's stuff. And I'm ordering her crib next week. So I guess I should calm down just a little. But who am I kidding? That's not going to happen.

Also, I need to stop craving whoppers. Help.

Almost 27 Week Survey

How far along? 26 weeks, 6 days

Next Appointment: 12/20 - Checkup with the OB

Weight gain/loss: 11 I think

Maternity clothes? Yep. Starting to almost grow out of some of them!

Stretch marks? Yes

Sleep? I can get sleep, but it hurts a lot more now. My shoulders, elbows, and hips hurt pretty bad.

Best moment this week? I had my hand on my belly, and was on the phone with A. He wanted me to tell her hi, so I said "daddy says hi!" and she kicked my hand, up above my belly button.

Food cravings: Unfortunately, whoppers from BK. OMG they're SO bad for you. I've had two in the last week or two though :(

Odd pregnancy symptom of the week: Not odd, but I'm ready to have my leg amputated if it can somehow help my SI joint pain.

Gender: Girl

Belly button in or out? Definitely getting shallower. Dear God please let my belly button stay in!!!!

Movement? She wasn't quite as active yesterday or the day before, but this afternoon she was nuts.

What I miss? Not throwing up and not being in pain.

What I'm looking forward to: Meeting my baby girl!

Weekly wisdom: I have nothing wise to say lol.

Milestones: Last time we checked, she was 1lb 11 oz. I'd guess she's over 2 pounds now. Also, I'm in third tri tomorrow!!!

Belly pic: This is the last picture I took. It was from 25weeks 1 day, so it's almost 2 weeks old already.

Holy Freakout

My mom came over last night to work on the bedding (which was completely unsuccessful). And I decided, somehow, that it was a good time to freak the %*&$ out. I realized that I have exactly 11 weeks and 1 day until the absolute latest that my child will arrive. Given that there are two holiday weekends during that time, and it's going to be January before I know it... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. If I told you work had been done on the nursery, I would be lying. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it has an extra box in it that I received full of baby clothes. Every time I look in that room I think "What the hell am I doing to do with all of this stuff?". But I did get  A to agree that it needs to be cleared out this weekend, and I'm pretty sure my mom is going to come down New Year's day to help me steam clean.

And then there's the idea of baby items. I have NOTHING for this child but clothes. I have 75 items on my registry (and this includes books, toys.. butt paste, etc.) and I know there's going to be things I don't get that I need. I didn't want to invite a ton of people to my shower just to get gifts, so I only invited family and people I know really well. Or a few people A knows really well, since it's his baby too. I have a few "big" items that I really need, though. These include the travel system, pack n play, video monitor, and swing.

I'm completely in love with the ocean, and, therefore, this swing...

I really want to have this so I have a place to put E to rest that I can strap her in and make sure she's secure. My mom asked me what I needed the most out of these things, and I told her the travel system, since without it I can't bring E home from the hospital. I think she's going to get me that. It's just hard not to worry about having what I need for her. I'm afraid of getting her home and going "Oh crap, I don't have _____". And not being able to go out and get it. I'm also afraid that she'll come early and I won't have time to finish buying things after the shower. I plan to pick up everything I dont get myself with the completion discount, or the millions of 25% off coupons BRU sends out. But I need time! Where did the time go?

As you can see, I'm a mess. Time has FLOWN by. And yet I'm still spending 5 straight minutes puking in the mornings.

And, by the way, don't ever say "You're looking nice and heavy" to a pregnant woman, like the cleaning lady at work said to me. If she wasn't older and disabled I would've head-butted her. What does that even mean!???? all my new weight is in my belly, dammit.

I need a day off. I can has day after Christmas now please?

Big Decisions

Warning: I haven't written in a few days and I have a lot to discuss!

So I've written a number of times about my OCD, and how I'm on Lexapro for it. When I say I have OCD, I don't mean "I like things neat and orderly". I mean "Holy crap I'm ruining my family's lives and I can't eat or sleep because I have so much anxiety". And... it tends to go through phases.  I'll have a few years where it's very well managed, and then I'll go through this horrible spot where I just can't handle it. Last time that happened I started on prozac and was almost good as new in a few months. This time it's been a year and a half so far. I wanted to try the Lexapro thinking "Well, the prozac didn't seem to be working quite as well anymore". And I thought it was working at first. And we decided to stay on it in pregnancy because my doctor thought the benefits outweighed the risks (it's category C). And last weekend we decided we didn't think that was true anymore. After a blowout about how horrible my OCD was, we decided it simply wasn't working. And the risk with Lexapro to a fetus is that fetuses exposed in the third trimester have a slightly higher risk of persistent pulminary hypertension once born. The risk is still low, which is why we continued, but at this point.. it's not worth it. So.... I started weaning off of it yesterday. I won't quite be done by 3rd tri, since that's Friday, but I'll be completely off by the middle of my 28th week. So close! And I'm hoping that's enough to keep her from getting PPH.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. But my husband knows what to expect. He has spent the last year and a half with me and my OCD. He knows it's not my fault, and he expects it to get worse. But, as he put it "You can have a day where you lose your job, your wife, and your house. And then you can have a day where you lose your job your wife, your house, and $100. When it's that bad you don't even notice the $100." Which may not be exactly true, but the point is, it's the right decision. It's going to be tough, but I've been trying SO hard to employ cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques  to help. They've helped me in the past to the point where I didn't even need drugs for a few years. I'm not ready to be off meds, but E needs me to be, and we've decided we need to do this. The good news is, she's coming in 11 weeks, and so if it gets really terrible, I can start back on prozac right away once she's born. I couldn't breast feed on prozac, so I don't want that, but we'll see how things look closer to the time. Hopefully my OCD will be controlled enough by CBT that I can breast feed for the first 3 months as planned. A is on board for that, but... we'll play it by ear. So... BIG NEWS! Part of me is thrilled. My conscience is happy, and I will continue to pray that it works out!

In other news, I've done absolutely nothing on the nursery, and I told A I wanted it cleared out NOW. I can't lift the boxes or the desk. He's been away this weekend, but next weekend it has to be done. The next weekend is Christmas, and we'll be out of town. Then New Year's, and then I'll be 30 weeks, and it's getting way too close to crunch time. And I still have to steam clean and paint. And I just don't want to be doing that 2 weeks before she arrives. It has to get done now. And as I was walking through target yesterday I came across those vinyl decals. I've always loved the tree decals and I found two that surprised me. The one is the same colors as E's bedding! And the other is just gorgeous.

I love the actual tree in this one. I was thinking of putting it up, and getting bird decals made from the birds in the bedding and putting them on instead of these birds.

The birds in this one are already the right color, but the tree and leaves aren't colors in the bedding.

I've also been thinking of doing like a scrolling branch-looking design on either side of some of the bedding's bird decals. I'm not sure. I just need something special for her. A loves the idea of making decals from the animals in the bedding, and I do too. I just wonder if it will be enough? I feel like once I get the room painted and furniture in it I'll be able to decide. So A has work to do.

Oh, AND my invitations went out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm going to be a mommy soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

99 Days

I'm pretty sure the ticker at the top of my page says 25 weeks and 6 days. How on earth did that happen!? I think pregnancy pushes you into some sort of time-space distortion because I feel like the next 3 months are going to feel more like 80 years, and I feel like the last 6.5 months lasted about 80 seconds. How did I get here!? My baby shower is in 4.5 weeks. During that time we have two separate holidays. I think I had better start really enjoying being pregnant because it's going to be over really soon!

Some interesting things have happened since I wrote last.

• I have felt Evie up above my belly button. She doesn't like to move up there, and prefers dancing on my bladder, but it does happen.
• My BP was 122/60 at my OB appointment yesterday. Who am I???
• A said he was OK with Noelle for a middle name. I don't think he's fully convinced, but I'm pretty sure that if I say I really want it he'll go for it. Now we just need to have a boy so he can do the name thing. Er.. I guess if the next one is a girl he gets to name her too. This scares me (Also, WTF am I doing acting like I'm fertile and "the next one" will just pop into our lives).

Ok maybe not that much was interesting, but I needed to write, so there it is. I'm honestly surprised about my BP. The doctor walked in and said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" And I was confused at first, until he said my BP was wonderful. He's happy, and seemed a bit surprised that I'm 26 weeks and doing so well! To be honest, so am I, but praise Jesus I will take it! He said we'll feel even better at 30 weeks, and once we hit 33-34 we'll feel 100% better. I don't know who this "we" is he's referring to. I will feel 100% better when I'm holding a squirming, healthy Evangeline Noelle in my arms.

I'm considering going the "Everyone does this" route and getting name letter blocks. I don't want to use her nickname though, and Evangeline is a hell of a name to spell out at $12+ a pop. But look how cute they are:

These are from Oh my buttons and bows. She does custom worked based on pictures of your bedding and I'm pretty sure I'm going to somehow budget for these.

So that's it. Life is moving right along. Baby girl looks good. And I still haven't beaten that damn dragon.

Nursery Progress!

We actually did a lot in the nursery last weekend, and I'm so glad we've at least started. I'm trying to convince A to just get rid of the desk we still have left. It's old, not particularly functional for us as a desk, and I put a hole in it by trying to use the wrong screws. Oops. If I can convince him to help me take it to the dumpster this weekend, we might have the room cleared out! I pulled all of the totes out of the closet. 3 are getting stored downstairs and the rest are going to my parents' house. A says he's going to put stuff in the car to pack up, so I may actually be able to steam clean the carpets next weekend! The bed is already gone, so it looks like we did a lot. The carpets really do need to be steam cleaned desperately. Our house is small - a basic townhouse with two bedrooms, a galley kitchen with a tiny dining room, a living room, and 1.5 bathrooms, neither of which could fit a litter box. So to that end, the box has been in what was the guest room but is now the nursery. While our cats are pretty good, everyone misses once in a while, and I won't feel comfortable in there with the potential of walking on poop stains until it's steam cleaned. Plus we need the cats to know it's not their spot anymore, and their sense of smell outsmarts most cleaners. Hopefully I'll get to this very soon, but for now... progress! The closet that was once just a pile of totes and bags....

 ... is now filled with baby clothes, with tons of room for other stuff we get for her! The suitcase is going into my closet, and the bag on the floor is a bunch of insanely expensive Italian Couture dresses we were given for when she's a little older.

The room! The only thing that's staying is that book shelf. The rest is getting packed away or taken to grandma and grandpa's house.

There are still a few totes remaining, but the bed is gone, and these totes are ready to be taken out to the car. I still don't know what to do with the Kohl's bag of "stuff" for Evie. I guess it's going back in the closet for now. At least it's not overflowing since I took out everything that could be hung up.

This weekend my mom and I are going to keep working on the bedding. I hope to have the crib skirt and sheet done, so all we'll have left is the bumper. My mom is going to help me paint, too, and I'd like to have it done before Christmas. I just have to convince A to go through his tote and a few things on the desk that are his.

And a few unrelated to the nursery notes.

• 4 different people looked at my belly yesterday and asked if I was ok. I'm not sure what prompts this. They know I'm pregnant. It's a baby, not a tumor.
• There is "talk" about the next baby. While I do have a timeline, I'm still working on this one. Although next time I can tell the pressure is on to have a boy. My dad says Evie needs a little brother to pick on.
• A loves his diaper bag (which was supposed to be a Christmas present until  UPS left it out in the rain [you know, since cardboard is impervious to water]) but he wishes the changing pad was the Tigers, so if E pees or poops on it, he can be even more proud of her.
• I want to go to Disney World RIGHT NOW.
• I'm having a hard time not wanting E out right now. I mean I KNOW she has to stay in but to say I can't wait to hold her is just not doing the feeling justice. It's driving me up the freaking wall.
• A's job is finally joining the real world and offering some paid time off, so he'll be able to take the whole week to stay home with me and E! YAY!

And finally.... I love Skyrim. I want to play it all day every day but I can't stay up past 10. OR get past this guy:

Weekend missions:

1. Work on  nursery and nursery bedding
2. Beat Skeletal Dragon!!!!