**WARNING: Total feeling download. It might come off offensive and I'm very sorry if it does.**
Being the infertile, or.. unable to have children easily... girl has been taking its toll on me lately. I feel like I can't call us infertile because we only tried for 5 months. But I still have to go through IVF, I'm still on a forced break, and I'm still not "allowed" to try due to a health issue. I still have to get pregnant via artificial means, even if it's not because of flawed ovaries or something. The fact is, we may be infertile. Andy's still having problems because of that tumor. He still had a ridiculously low count earlier this year, and it's only considered "normal" because they changed their guidelines. And it might be less now. We haven't tested but I think he's regressing. We need the MRI to confirm. So yes, we may not be able to label ourselves "infertile" because we didn't try for a year, but we had serious fertility issues to drag along behind our serious regular health issues, and the bottom line is, I can't have a child without IVF. I feel like I have to put that in here because I know there are women who have been trying for years. We were "fortunate"? that Andy has very obvious symptoms of his problem and we were able to diagnose it right away and actually treat it. We would not have gotten pregnant without treatment, and we wouldn't have known if there weren't physical symptoms. I don't want to upset anyone who has been trying and failing for a long time, since we only tried and failed for 5 months. But we do very much have infertility issues, and though we're getting there quicker, we still can't have a baby on our own terms, or even inside my body, so I feel like I should be able to comment on this in at least some regard. Apologies to anyone this offends.. to anyone who has actually been trying a very long time... but my health problem, though it may not directly impact baby having, does still impact baby having, and also carries with it the added stress of "Oh hai, I mite kil u". I still have to sit here knowing that if we don't have a guarantee. I'm still hoping and praying I can even conceive, and that my kidneys will allow my baby to be healthy.. and that they won't crap out before we are able to conceive our baby. Knowing that I was diagnosed with PCOS, my husband has morphology issues, and I can only conceive if the doctors approve me. We'll probably need intervention, and can't have it unless my kidneys are OK. *whew*. So.. I may not have been "trying" as long.. but I'm still having a lot of problems conceiving, and a long forced break... so this sucks a lot. Now that that's done, I will continue with my blog.
It's HARD being the girl that can't have a baby. People are afraid to tell me things. But when they do tell me things they forget how hard the last year has been on me and expect me to get 100% psyched for them. But they don't understand MY issues so if I bring it up they feel awkward. Like they feel I shouldn't be dampering their good mood with my trials. I've mentioned this before, but my bad news doesn't go away when someone else conceives. Sorry. It's hard to have 4 women in a row conceive immediately after BCP (yes, 4 women pregnant, all 4 first try), and all 4 have girls, and all 4 get to giggle and talk and be excited together and leave me out. I don't want to be left out but at the same time I don't want to sit here and listen to how exciting it is that they're all having babies and I can't. And they're all also happy in pretty much every other regard. I have a deadly illness, a husband with a brain tumor (damn side effects returning), and no baby, or chance to conceive one right now. How does this luck happen? How do they all get these perfect little lives and I get shit on? It's freaking depressing. I want to be a part of their group. I don't want to be the girl no one can talk to because she can't have a kid. And at the same time, when they do talk, I can only take so much. How much picking out of someone else's kids' things can I do before I'm allowed to crack? Before I'm allowed to say "ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME!?". I can't take this. These women are all able to conceive their children by being in the same room with their husbands. ALL of them. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. And I can't even try because I have kidney failure. So I get no baby and no kidneys? REALLY????? ARGH I WANT TO SCREAM. I go from being so excited to just not wanting anything to do with it all. They're registering and picking stuff out and planning showers and I'm sitting here hoping and praying to God above that one day I will have a baby to pick things out for. And with some of the thoughts that go through my head I'm afraid.. I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant my baby will have problems as vengeance for some of the terrible things I've thought.
This process is horrible on so many levels. I wonder who will be next to get pregnant on the first try? Or within 6 months? Who else will conceive and have their child that started after me. My pregnant coworker I'm closest to conceived 3 months after we started. Her baby is due before my POTENTIAL IVF. That's hard to take. And I know I'm being a whiny brat but it is how I feel. And the high cholesterol too. I have to deal with that obstacle that no one else has had to. Yes, I know other people have issues, but none of these girls. None of these girls with perfect lives and first try, perfect babies, and no health problems. I'm jealous. I'll say it. I WANT that. I want to not have health problems. I want to have a baby. And I'm angry about it all right now. I'm doing what I can, I'm trying to be happy, but it's hard. So I guess I'll continue to be the weird girl out who talks about babies all the time even though she doesn't even have one. Who you can't really talk to since you know she's had all these issues, but yet you still expect to drop everything to be happy when you DO talk to her. I love that that's my life. **** this.
Even those these women can't relate there are plenty of us that can. Infertility is not just about not being able to conceive within a year. Before I started trying I considered myself infertile. Not my Dr or RE asked how long we have been trying. I have PCOS and my body doesn't naturally do one of the basic things women's bodies should, ovulate. I'm broken. All of us infertiles are broken in different ways and to different extents.
ReplyDeleteYou should be angry, depressed, sad, etc; it's not fair. But we can't think like that all the time or it will drive us mad. So many things in life and in this world are unfair. Some days we just need to get over it and pay attention to what we do have.
We've been TTC for over 1 1/2 years. I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. My career goal was to be a SAHM; which can't happen anyways due to money. Instead DH will be a SAHF. I haven't been lucky in the baby department, but once I decided I wanted to settle down I met my husband within a few months. I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband and have to remember how important he is in my life. As much as I desparately want to have babies, I wouldn't give him up.
Don't expect that this process wont get you down, but don't let it keep you down.
Thanks hon. It's just so hard to deal with some days. Sometimes I think I'm ok and I'm ready to help the expectant moms.. and some days I just want to crawl into a hole. I wish I could just give you a hug :) Sorry if that's weird. But you're right.. having the awesome husband is a good thing that I should be grateful for too.
ReplyDeleteNot a problem. And I would gladly except the hug. I know how hard this journey can be with just the PCOS, I can't imagine how much harder it would be with all the crap you are going through. I know we are strong because we need to be, but it still means we are stronger for what we are going through. One thing that keeps me going on some of the bad days is that I will be a mom. If I can't biologically then we will adopt. DH said he would like for us to have tried for 5 years before going down that route and that is about where my timeline is. It's hard to give up trying. We have many avenues to go down before coming to that point. My cousin and his wife tried for 7-8 years before finally turning to adoption and they now have a beautiful 1 year old boy. They had done 2 failed IVFs before calling it quits. We always knew that he would be a great father and I hope that more children are in their future. I also have known for a long time that I will be a great mother. So adoption is already in the family. My BFF's husband was even adopted.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I always that your user name was Words Likes Words. lol. Then I saw your blog. :-D