I haven't posted anything in a while. I guess I needed some time away from worrying about all of this. My OCD was out of control and I was unable to do my 24 hour urine baseline because I had my period. I have an appointment to turn in my jar on Tuesday, though, so I have to do it Monday. I also have an appointment to learn how to use my insulin pen tomorrow. Hopefully they'll explain the meters to me as well. I emailed Dr. Choi to let him know why he didn't have my test results yet and explain that I'm still ready to get started once he has everything he needs.

I'm feeling much more at peace with everything right now though. I'm OK with having pregnant friends and honestly excited for them. I'm OK with things taking some time for me. I know God's timing isn't always what I like, but I trust him. I'm still hoping for a February IVF timeframe. I guess if we start my prednisone in 2 weeks (we'll say 9/20) then January 20th would be 4 months so I guess if my tests were looking better I'd start the bcp around the first of January. Which I guess would put egg transfer around the middle-end of February. That would put my due date on 11/10, - 2 weeks for delivering at 38 weeks per high risk OB and we're at 10/27! I really want an October baby so I wouldn't complain! I hope things work out on the time schedule I have in my head. They never do, but I'd really love to be on the medication this month, do the HSG in December, get decent results and start getting ready for IVF in January. I got a good kick-start losing almost 8 pounds in the last two weeks so I've got 8.4 pounds to get to my IVF weight (+5 for scale differences) and that should be doable in 3 months or so. Seriously. I'm hoping to lose 25. And, as always, I know IVF might not work. I hope it does, but we're prepared to do a second in the Spring at minimum.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that if this doesn't happen for us I can eventually be ok with adopting my children. I want to have a biological child but if we can't I absolutely want to adopt. It doesn't cause quite as much pain to think about anymore, and I'm 99% certain that once we have 1 biological child I want to move to adoption. convincing my husband will be a different story but that's what I'd like to do. My kidneys will appreciate it.

I'm learning a lot about myself through this process. It's hard putting things on hold but I'm trying to just deal with it and be happy for everyone else who doesn't have to. One day they'll be happy for me. Hopefully I'll be feeling my little one moving around in there and getting my ultrasounds on my own body. I want this treatment to work. But I'm coping now and that's necessary. I feel ok. I don't feel jealous... I feel patient for probably the first time. If I have to wait 6 months it is what it is. I'd still like to have my baby when I'm 30-31, so we'll see. For right now I'm just chugging along, working, and trying to get my finances and health in order.