I'm feeling down and impatient today. Erinn has her anatomy scan tomorrow. I'm so excited for her. I've been planning what stuffed animals I'm going to make her baby. I can't wait. But I was thinking about how much I want to have my gender ultrasound and how it might never happen. I've said that I could adopt a baby, and I could, but I'll face facts. I don't want to. I want to go through the pregnancy and feel the baby growing. I want to experience all of that with my little one. I have so many questions... what if the IVF doesn't work? What if my kidney treatment doesn't work? How long will I have if it does? What if we get everything ready but don't make it to transfer? What if we have to do two and can't afford it? What if my kidneys are just too far gone?
It's a lot, and I'm just so sad. And it's not as much about having to wait for the baby, but about having to wait to be trying. This forced break will already be 6 months at this point because I still haven't started my medication. I want to be doing something.. anything. And the entire time I'm on the meds I'll be waiting and wondering if it's even going to help. If it doesn't.. I cant ever have a baby. And my kidneys will fail. I don't know how I'd go on at that point. I just don't know. And I try not to think that way but sometimes the thoughts just come. However small, there is a possibility that this won't happen for me and it kills me. I feel like I should get cut a break. I guess everyone does, but... I want something to work out on this front. And I won't have any answers for months. I've spent so much time waiting for answers. It's heartbreaking and the knots in my stomach are never really gone. I guess I shouldn't be asking "why me" but I do. Am I wrong? Am I selfish? Maybe. I don't know. I'm just so sad and hopeless. I want a child. I want to live. Is that really so much to ask? I hope I can start soon. Then I'll feel like I'm making progress. And I hope it works.. otherwise I just don't know what to do. Please, God.. let this medicine work and let me have a biological child. Please?
I am so sorry you're stuck waiting and feeling discouraged. Would you be considered a stalker if you showed up at your nephrologists office and demanded answers??
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest, I understand being frustrated and disappointed. This is your place to get it out, so I think it's totally OK. I hope it all works out for you. Try to stay positive, though I know it must be really hard.
Sending you a PM!
Thanks hon. I really appreciate it. Unfortunately my nephrologist doesn't have an office! He works in a hospital and on any given day is in a different place. I'm going to sic my husband on them soon though! Lol.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I'll check my PMs tonight too for once!!!
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