I was feeling a little down today about the entire process. I guess I've been down the last few weeks since I seem to be at a standstill with my doctor. It was especially bad today because I called yesterday and had more blood work faxed and the secretary put a note on the bloodwork and gave it to him and he still didn't call. My husband is ready to switch doctors. I would be too except that he really is so good at what he does. They would have told me if he wasn't in town, so he definitely is... so why haven't I heard anything? I emailed him last Monday, and that was because I hadn't heard from him since the previous week.. so it's been about 2 weeks since I've gotten anything from him. Doesn't he understand how upset and nervous I am? Plus my period has been weird. I have had 2 periods since I started the synthroid. I was spotting mid-cycle in one, and this past one I had my period. It ended after 5 days, and then 2 days later I started cramping and had brown old blood only when I wiped. That's uncommon for me too. So while I've been ovulating on day 16 with a 12-13 day lp, which is AWESOME... what's with the random blood??? My midwife who does my annual exam said the mid-cycle was probably just a fluke. I didn't get to ask her about the spotting after my period.. but it's making me scared that something else is wrong. God I hope not. All of my tests were awesome back in June/July.... and I hope they are still ok come February.
I also found out that my thyroid hormone was 1.6 in 2008... so going up to 4.4 in 2010 is a little ridiculous. I'm fully expecting that I have Hashimotos. The doctors were both shocked that I didn't have antibodies, but said that can happen and they can also diagnose based on xray, but didn't want to do that yet. So we'll see. It's "normal" with my .5mcg of Synthroid, so.. whatever, I guess. Also, my blood pressure at the doctor on Thursday was 122/75... which is normal, and very strange for me. I wonder what that's about.. but it does make me happy.
Out of my loneliness and longing today came something good. I said to Andy I was upset because "what if the first IVF doesn't work and we have to do more? What would you think then?" and he said "we'll do what we have to". I said "But my parents can only pay for 1. We'd have to have a loan for part of it..." and he said "We'll do what we have to. I promise". So that made me feel good. Now we just have to get insurance to pay since it will only have been 1 year instead of 2 and they want you to do IUI first. I'm hoping that my RE can just send them a letter that says "Look, these 2 need to get pregnant ASAP, and it's my medical opinion that they need to go directly to IVF" and that will help them make the decision. There are just so many questions and only time will bring us to our answers.
I'd be lying if I didn't think "Maybe some miracle occurred" when I got my blood pressure and it was normal. Kidney disease can cause HBP, and it's been hovering around 140/85, so it's a pretty drastic drop in systolic.
I did lose 1.4 pounds last week. It's nothing crazy but I'm moving in the right direction for this baby... I just need to kick it up a notch because I honstly haven't been working hard. I think I could lose 2 lbs consistently if I really worked at it, and I'd like to be as low as possible come IVF time. If I were to start my prednisone next week, we would probably start BCPs around 2/1, so stims would start around 2/21 giving me 21 weeks to lose weight. Man if I could drop 40 pounds that would be fantastic. 30 even would be awesome, putting me at my lowest weight since... at least 2004. I'd feel much better starting a pregnancy out at 252 than 282! It's still very heavy, but I'm also 5'10. And once I start the prednisone I will have to be extremel careful. I can't gain 30 pounds like I did last time.. I have to LOSE 30 pounds this time. I think exercise is supposed to help a lot with prednisone weight gain, and with blood sugar increases caused by it, so I will really have to do that. And.. I think rather than just complaining and talking about how I SHOULD lose weight.. I'm going to freaking do it this time. 1.4 pounds is a start.. not a fantastic one but hey, it's a LOSS and that's GREAT. 1 pound a week until stims would still put me 10 pounds under the IVF weight I need to achieve, so that's helpful!!
OK, this has been quite a rant. I know if things don't work out as we expect it will be tough, but nothing has worked out as expected so far, so we'll get through it. My husband is awesome and he'll make sure we do everything we can to have this baby and I love him for that. It's just frustrating waiting to start the meds. *sigh*. CALL ME DOCTOR CHOI!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I'm feeling surrounded today. Pregnant girls, pregnant clothes, pregnant tv couples. I walked past a motherhood maternity store and it took a lot of strength not to break down. I've had a really terrible day at work and in general, and things have been setting me off even more than usual. I think a lot of it is because I'm not on my kidney meds yet. I know it's going to be at least 3-4 months from when I start, and I am not hearing anything. It's been 2.5 weeks since I turned in my 24 hour urine and 1.5 since I sent a follow-up email to my doctor and heard they were "just working out timing". It's not fair to make me wait like this, and there's no reason for it except their bad communication. I don't know how they can just sit there and make me wait.. 7 weeks I think since we first started dealing with this... and not even think that it might be affecting me. What's happening to my kidneys while I'm waiting? Why can't they see that I'm a person here... a person who is trying to live their life and have a child and heal her kidneys. I don't feel like I should have to chase my doctors down to get answers.. or to start treatments for a disease that is going to progress. I hate not knowing what's going on back there that I can't see. Could they get damaged enough in 4 months that I wont be able to try IVF while I'm on Prednisone? Have the last 2 months caused damage while waiting to take the meds? I need some of these answers.. I need to know if the prednisone is going to work. Which means I NEED to get started.
On the bright side, I did get my prescription for the Welchol today. It's very expensive but I think I got 500 pills and I take 6 a day so it's almost 3 months' worth and that's not bad. I read one study where it lowered cholesterol 20-40%. Boy would I love to be on the higher end of that! I feel a little better with the medicine on board. Now I just need the other one. I'm not excited to start the insulin, but... what has to be done has to be done, and it's all for my baby. I hope and pray I have a baby to make all of it worthwhile someday. It's been a tough week with all of this stuff. I just want to be making progress.
On the bright side, I did get my prescription for the Welchol today. It's very expensive but I think I got 500 pills and I take 6 a day so it's almost 3 months' worth and that's not bad. I read one study where it lowered cholesterol 20-40%. Boy would I love to be on the higher end of that! I feel a little better with the medicine on board. Now I just need the other one. I'm not excited to start the insulin, but... what has to be done has to be done, and it's all for my baby. I hope and pray I have a baby to make all of it worthwhile someday. It's been a tough week with all of this stuff. I just want to be making progress.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Oh Hai! I Mite Kill U!
**WARNING: Total feeling download. It might come off offensive and I'm very sorry if it does.**
Being the infertile, or.. unable to have children easily... girl has been taking its toll on me lately. I feel like I can't call us infertile because we only tried for 5 months. But I still have to go through IVF, I'm still on a forced break, and I'm still not "allowed" to try due to a health issue. I still have to get pregnant via artificial means, even if it's not because of flawed ovaries or something. The fact is, we may be infertile. Andy's still having problems because of that tumor. He still had a ridiculously low count earlier this year, and it's only considered "normal" because they changed their guidelines. And it might be less now. We haven't tested but I think he's regressing. We need the MRI to confirm. So yes, we may not be able to label ourselves "infertile" because we didn't try for a year, but we had serious fertility issues to drag along behind our serious regular health issues, and the bottom line is, I can't have a child without IVF. I feel like I have to put that in here because I know there are women who have been trying for years. We were "fortunate"? that Andy has very obvious symptoms of his problem and we were able to diagnose it right away and actually treat it. We would not have gotten pregnant without treatment, and we wouldn't have known if there weren't physical symptoms. I don't want to upset anyone who has been trying and failing for a long time, since we only tried and failed for 5 months. But we do very much have infertility issues, and though we're getting there quicker, we still can't have a baby on our own terms, or even inside my body, so I feel like I should be able to comment on this in at least some regard. Apologies to anyone this offends.. to anyone who has actually been trying a very long time... but my health problem, though it may not directly impact baby having, does still impact baby having, and also carries with it the added stress of "Oh hai, I mite kil u". I still have to sit here knowing that if we don't have a guarantee. I'm still hoping and praying I can even conceive, and that my kidneys will allow my baby to be healthy.. and that they won't crap out before we are able to conceive our baby. Knowing that I was diagnosed with PCOS, my husband has morphology issues, and I can only conceive if the doctors approve me. We'll probably need intervention, and can't have it unless my kidneys are OK. *whew*. So.. I may not have been "trying" as long.. but I'm still having a lot of problems conceiving, and a long forced break... so this sucks a lot. Now that that's done, I will continue with my blog.
It's HARD being the girl that can't have a baby. People are afraid to tell me things. But when they do tell me things they forget how hard the last year has been on me and expect me to get 100% psyched for them. But they don't understand MY issues so if I bring it up they feel awkward. Like they feel I shouldn't be dampering their good mood with my trials. I've mentioned this before, but my bad news doesn't go away when someone else conceives. Sorry. It's hard to have 4 women in a row conceive immediately after BCP (yes, 4 women pregnant, all 4 first try), and all 4 have girls, and all 4 get to giggle and talk and be excited together and leave me out. I don't want to be left out but at the same time I don't want to sit here and listen to how exciting it is that they're all having babies and I can't. And they're all also happy in pretty much every other regard. I have a deadly illness, a husband with a brain tumor (damn side effects returning), and no baby, or chance to conceive one right now. How does this luck happen? How do they all get these perfect little lives and I get shit on? It's freaking depressing. I want to be a part of their group. I don't want to be the girl no one can talk to because she can't have a kid. And at the same time, when they do talk, I can only take so much. How much picking out of someone else's kids' things can I do before I'm allowed to crack? Before I'm allowed to say "ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME!?". I can't take this. These women are all able to conceive their children by being in the same room with their husbands. ALL of them. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. And I can't even try because I have kidney failure. So I get no baby and no kidneys? REALLY????? ARGH I WANT TO SCREAM. I go from being so excited to just not wanting anything to do with it all. They're registering and picking stuff out and planning showers and I'm sitting here hoping and praying to God above that one day I will have a baby to pick things out for. And with some of the thoughts that go through my head I'm afraid.. I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant my baby will have problems as vengeance for some of the terrible things I've thought.
This process is horrible on so many levels. I wonder who will be next to get pregnant on the first try? Or within 6 months? Who else will conceive and have their child that started after me. My pregnant coworker I'm closest to conceived 3 months after we started. Her baby is due before my POTENTIAL IVF. That's hard to take. And I know I'm being a whiny brat but it is how I feel. And the high cholesterol too. I have to deal with that obstacle that no one else has had to. Yes, I know other people have issues, but none of these girls. None of these girls with perfect lives and first try, perfect babies, and no health problems. I'm jealous. I'll say it. I WANT that. I want to not have health problems. I want to have a baby. And I'm angry about it all right now. I'm doing what I can, I'm trying to be happy, but it's hard. So I guess I'll continue to be the weird girl out who talks about babies all the time even though she doesn't even have one. Who you can't really talk to since you know she's had all these issues, but yet you still expect to drop everything to be happy when you DO talk to her. I love that that's my life. **** this.
Being the infertile, or.. unable to have children easily... girl has been taking its toll on me lately. I feel like I can't call us infertile because we only tried for 5 months. But I still have to go through IVF, I'm still on a forced break, and I'm still not "allowed" to try due to a health issue. I still have to get pregnant via artificial means, even if it's not because of flawed ovaries or something. The fact is, we may be infertile. Andy's still having problems because of that tumor. He still had a ridiculously low count earlier this year, and it's only considered "normal" because they changed their guidelines. And it might be less now. We haven't tested but I think he's regressing. We need the MRI to confirm. So yes, we may not be able to label ourselves "infertile" because we didn't try for a year, but we had serious fertility issues to drag along behind our serious regular health issues, and the bottom line is, I can't have a child without IVF. I feel like I have to put that in here because I know there are women who have been trying for years. We were "fortunate"? that Andy has very obvious symptoms of his problem and we were able to diagnose it right away and actually treat it. We would not have gotten pregnant without treatment, and we wouldn't have known if there weren't physical symptoms. I don't want to upset anyone who has been trying and failing for a long time, since we only tried and failed for 5 months. But we do very much have infertility issues, and though we're getting there quicker, we still can't have a baby on our own terms, or even inside my body, so I feel like I should be able to comment on this in at least some regard. Apologies to anyone this offends.. to anyone who has actually been trying a very long time... but my health problem, though it may not directly impact baby having, does still impact baby having, and also carries with it the added stress of "Oh hai, I mite kil u". I still have to sit here knowing that if we don't have a guarantee. I'm still hoping and praying I can even conceive, and that my kidneys will allow my baby to be healthy.. and that they won't crap out before we are able to conceive our baby. Knowing that I was diagnosed with PCOS, my husband has morphology issues, and I can only conceive if the doctors approve me. We'll probably need intervention, and can't have it unless my kidneys are OK. *whew*. So.. I may not have been "trying" as long.. but I'm still having a lot of problems conceiving, and a long forced break... so this sucks a lot. Now that that's done, I will continue with my blog.
It's HARD being the girl that can't have a baby. People are afraid to tell me things. But when they do tell me things they forget how hard the last year has been on me and expect me to get 100% psyched for them. But they don't understand MY issues so if I bring it up they feel awkward. Like they feel I shouldn't be dampering their good mood with my trials. I've mentioned this before, but my bad news doesn't go away when someone else conceives. Sorry. It's hard to have 4 women in a row conceive immediately after BCP (yes, 4 women pregnant, all 4 first try), and all 4 have girls, and all 4 get to giggle and talk and be excited together and leave me out. I don't want to be left out but at the same time I don't want to sit here and listen to how exciting it is that they're all having babies and I can't. And they're all also happy in pretty much every other regard. I have a deadly illness, a husband with a brain tumor (damn side effects returning), and no baby, or chance to conceive one right now. How does this luck happen? How do they all get these perfect little lives and I get shit on? It's freaking depressing. I want to be a part of their group. I don't want to be the girl no one can talk to because she can't have a kid. And at the same time, when they do talk, I can only take so much. How much picking out of someone else's kids' things can I do before I'm allowed to crack? Before I'm allowed to say "ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME!?". I can't take this. These women are all able to conceive their children by being in the same room with their husbands. ALL of them. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. And I can't even try because I have kidney failure. So I get no baby and no kidneys? REALLY????? ARGH I WANT TO SCREAM. I go from being so excited to just not wanting anything to do with it all. They're registering and picking stuff out and planning showers and I'm sitting here hoping and praying to God above that one day I will have a baby to pick things out for. And with some of the thoughts that go through my head I'm afraid.. I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant my baby will have problems as vengeance for some of the terrible things I've thought.
This process is horrible on so many levels. I wonder who will be next to get pregnant on the first try? Or within 6 months? Who else will conceive and have their child that started after me. My pregnant coworker I'm closest to conceived 3 months after we started. Her baby is due before my POTENTIAL IVF. That's hard to take. And I know I'm being a whiny brat but it is how I feel. And the high cholesterol too. I have to deal with that obstacle that no one else has had to. Yes, I know other people have issues, but none of these girls. None of these girls with perfect lives and first try, perfect babies, and no health problems. I'm jealous. I'll say it. I WANT that. I want to not have health problems. I want to have a baby. And I'm angry about it all right now. I'm doing what I can, I'm trying to be happy, but it's hard. So I guess I'll continue to be the weird girl out who talks about babies all the time even though she doesn't even have one. Who you can't really talk to since you know she's had all these issues, but yet you still expect to drop everything to be happy when you DO talk to her. I love that that's my life. **** this.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I'm feeling down and impatient today. Erinn has her anatomy scan tomorrow. I'm so excited for her. I've been planning what stuffed animals I'm going to make her baby. I can't wait. But I was thinking about how much I want to have my gender ultrasound and how it might never happen. I've said that I could adopt a baby, and I could, but I'll face facts. I don't want to. I want to go through the pregnancy and feel the baby growing. I want to experience all of that with my little one. I have so many questions... what if the IVF doesn't work? What if my kidney treatment doesn't work? How long will I have if it does? What if we get everything ready but don't make it to transfer? What if we have to do two and can't afford it? What if my kidneys are just too far gone?
It's a lot, and I'm just so sad. And it's not as much about having to wait for the baby, but about having to wait to be trying. This forced break will already be 6 months at this point because I still haven't started my medication. I want to be doing something.. anything. And the entire time I'm on the meds I'll be waiting and wondering if it's even going to help. If it doesn't.. I cant ever have a baby. And my kidneys will fail. I don't know how I'd go on at that point. I just don't know. And I try not to think that way but sometimes the thoughts just come. However small, there is a possibility that this won't happen for me and it kills me. I feel like I should get cut a break. I guess everyone does, but... I want something to work out on this front. And I won't have any answers for months. I've spent so much time waiting for answers. It's heartbreaking and the knots in my stomach are never really gone. I guess I shouldn't be asking "why me" but I do. Am I wrong? Am I selfish? Maybe. I don't know. I'm just so sad and hopeless. I want a child. I want to live. Is that really so much to ask? I hope I can start soon. Then I'll feel like I'm making progress. And I hope it works.. otherwise I just don't know what to do. Please, God.. let this medicine work and let me have a biological child. Please?
It's a lot, and I'm just so sad. And it's not as much about having to wait for the baby, but about having to wait to be trying. This forced break will already be 6 months at this point because I still haven't started my medication. I want to be doing something.. anything. And the entire time I'm on the meds I'll be waiting and wondering if it's even going to help. If it doesn't.. I cant ever have a baby. And my kidneys will fail. I don't know how I'd go on at that point. I just don't know. And I try not to think that way but sometimes the thoughts just come. However small, there is a possibility that this won't happen for me and it kills me. I feel like I should get cut a break. I guess everyone does, but... I want something to work out on this front. And I won't have any answers for months. I've spent so much time waiting for answers. It's heartbreaking and the knots in my stomach are never really gone. I guess I shouldn't be asking "why me" but I do. Am I wrong? Am I selfish? Maybe. I don't know. I'm just so sad and hopeless. I want a child. I want to live. Is that really so much to ask? I hope I can start soon. Then I'll feel like I'm making progress. And I hope it works.. otherwise I just don't know what to do. Please, God.. let this medicine work and let me have a biological child. Please?
Monday, September 13, 2010
I had a teensy bit of a breakdown a few nights ago. Sometimes I can't grasp why my husband and I have so many issues. The kidneys, cholesterol, infertility. They're all like.. big problems! And I sort of wish I could just catch a real break. I don't know if it helped. I was trying to pray and it turned into me crying myself to sleep. I'm doing ok with the timing.. the waiting. I just don't understand why so much is happening. I've been feeling a little more alive lately.. a little more like myself. The cool air and more time with my friends has been good for me. But I still wish these problems would just disappear. I wish my nephrologist would return my emails so we could get this prednisone started. When I look back at the last 4 months I know it's gone by so fast. But when I look forward it feels like forever. Hopefully it will go by quickly and we'll do the IVF in February/March and I'll be expecting a new baby in November (I actually hope that's what happens 'cause I'd love to have 3 months off over Thanksgiving and Christmas!).
I don't know... I think I'll feel different.. better?... after I start my meds. I just want to hear "They're working, your protein is down". I MIGHT throw a tantrum if he doesn't call me soon. Maybe. Probably. Yeah... I hope he calls!
I don't know... I think I'll feel different.. better?... after I start my meds. I just want to hear "They're working, your protein is down". I MIGHT throw a tantrum if he doesn't call me soon. Maybe. Probably. Yeah... I hope he calls!
Friday, September 10, 2010
(Almost) Completely Off Topic
I wanted to write this entry in my sparkpeople blog but apparently my work has decided that an encouraging weight loss website is inappropriate. Somehow blogger is not. Anyway...
I've been getting very worried about my high cholesterol lately. We're planning on starting to TTC in 4 months so I can't really go back on my medications. I've been off since February, so if I get pregnant in the next few months after the Prednisone we're looking at 2 full years off medications. This terrifies me because my cholesterol is especially high between my hereditary form and the fact that my kidney disease makes my cholesterol go up. Women are protected somewhat against heart disease, but only to a certain degree. I did have a calcium scoring done and it was 0 , so most places say my risk of a heart attack is pretty low. Between 1-3% in the next ten years. If I can get my cholesterol down to 216 (which I have done with medication!) and my blood pressure under control, the risk goes down to less than 1%. I intend to start on Welchol, which only brings cholesterol down about 15% but is pregnancy safe. And as soon as I give birth I will be going back on meds. But if I can lose weight my cholesterol and blood pressure will both go down (A LOT), and if I am adamant that I will keep trying for a biological baby I need to be doing something extraordinary for my health to combat the cholesterol.
I have tried probably a million diets in the past. Weight Watchers, South Beach, Carb Addict's, Nutrisystem... etc. And I've tried most of them multiple times. They all work.. but I haven't stuck to one yet. But the fact is, I am 113 lbs from the HIGHEST healthy weight for my height. As if obesity wasn't a big enough problem in regards to heart attacks... I FREAKING HAVE HIGH CHOLESTEROL. GOD I'm an idiot sometimes. I should have known better and worked harder. I knew my whole life that people told me my cholesterol was terrible.. but I didn't FEEL it so it never bothered me. Wanting a child is making me look at things in a whole new way. I want to be around for my kid so if my cholesterol can kill me.. I'd better freaking fix it. It's bad enough that I have to be off the meds for two years. It's bad enough that obesity causes a host of its own problems. I need to lose this weight. I don't know how much it will help but I know it will help.
I want to note that there is a form of my disease that pretty much guarantees death by like.. 30. This occurs if a child gets it from both parents. We had Andy's cholesterol checked and it was like.. 160 total, so there's just no way he has it. Our baby could still get the form I have, but I think it's worth doing. I have it and I'm glad my parents had me. My mom will be 60 in March and she has it... and she didn't start taking medicine until she was 19. So although it's a concern, it is a treatable disease and even since I was born treatment has advanced in a million ways. My kidney disease is not hereditary.
So now that that's out of the way (I know some people probably thing it's horrible that I still want to have a baby with this disease... too bad) I will go on. I want to get this cholesterol down and all I have right now is Welchol and weight loss... so I'm going to have to completely exploit it. It's hard to say "Yep, I'm starting a program" because I know I've started hundreds of programs and given up. But if I don't keep trying isn't that worse? I know I can do this... I know the steps to take. I DON'T know how to keep my willpower up but I'm going to have to find a way. I was honestly considering getting "do you really want to die?" tatooed on the inside of my wrist so that every time I picked up a fork I had to look at it. I do have somewhat of a plan though, and I'm outlining it below because I need it outlined somewhere. Basically what I do right now is sleep a lot, laze away at work, and come home and sit on my butt and eat food. If I am too hungry I even binge eat. I get no exercise at all. So here is my plan:
So that's my plan. I think it's totally doable. If I get up early I'll still be home at about the same time so I won't be missing anything. I don't know how I'll keep up my confidence and my willpower. Especially when the scale says something I don't like. I do plan to make a collage and put one on the fridge and one on the bathroom wall over the scale, though. And now that I have some money I'm thinking of giving myself some decent rewards. For instance, my first big goal is 5% of my weight, which equals right now about 14 pounds. I'm thinking of buying myself a new pair of Onitsuka Tiger shoes for about $80. They're my favorite and I haven't been able to justify spending it but I think I'm going to. I REALLY want them and it will make me stop and think before I eat something.
I feel like everyone that knows me is thinking "Seriously? How many times has she tried this". But I just HAVE to try. Again and again and again until I get it right. My life literally depends on it. I want to be a happy, healthy mom, not a tired, sickly one. I owe this to my child. To my husband, my parents... and especially me. And I won't quit until I've achieved my goal. I've overcome so much in my life. I can overcome this weight, too.
I've been getting very worried about my high cholesterol lately. We're planning on starting to TTC in 4 months so I can't really go back on my medications. I've been off since February, so if I get pregnant in the next few months after the Prednisone we're looking at 2 full years off medications. This terrifies me because my cholesterol is especially high between my hereditary form and the fact that my kidney disease makes my cholesterol go up. Women are protected somewhat against heart disease, but only to a certain degree. I did have a calcium scoring done and it was 0 , so most places say my risk of a heart attack is pretty low. Between 1-3% in the next ten years. If I can get my cholesterol down to 216 (which I have done with medication!) and my blood pressure under control, the risk goes down to less than 1%. I intend to start on Welchol, which only brings cholesterol down about 15% but is pregnancy safe. And as soon as I give birth I will be going back on meds. But if I can lose weight my cholesterol and blood pressure will both go down (A LOT), and if I am adamant that I will keep trying for a biological baby I need to be doing something extraordinary for my health to combat the cholesterol.
I have tried probably a million diets in the past. Weight Watchers, South Beach, Carb Addict's, Nutrisystem... etc. And I've tried most of them multiple times. They all work.. but I haven't stuck to one yet. But the fact is, I am 113 lbs from the HIGHEST healthy weight for my height. As if obesity wasn't a big enough problem in regards to heart attacks... I FREAKING HAVE HIGH CHOLESTEROL. GOD I'm an idiot sometimes. I should have known better and worked harder. I knew my whole life that people told me my cholesterol was terrible.. but I didn't FEEL it so it never bothered me. Wanting a child is making me look at things in a whole new way. I want to be around for my kid so if my cholesterol can kill me.. I'd better freaking fix it. It's bad enough that I have to be off the meds for two years. It's bad enough that obesity causes a host of its own problems. I need to lose this weight. I don't know how much it will help but I know it will help.
I want to note that there is a form of my disease that pretty much guarantees death by like.. 30. This occurs if a child gets it from both parents. We had Andy's cholesterol checked and it was like.. 160 total, so there's just no way he has it. Our baby could still get the form I have, but I think it's worth doing. I have it and I'm glad my parents had me. My mom will be 60 in March and she has it... and she didn't start taking medicine until she was 19. So although it's a concern, it is a treatable disease and even since I was born treatment has advanced in a million ways. My kidney disease is not hereditary.
So now that that's out of the way (I know some people probably thing it's horrible that I still want to have a baby with this disease... too bad) I will go on. I want to get this cholesterol down and all I have right now is Welchol and weight loss... so I'm going to have to completely exploit it. It's hard to say "Yep, I'm starting a program" because I know I've started hundreds of programs and given up. But if I don't keep trying isn't that worse? I know I can do this... I know the steps to take. I DON'T know how to keep my willpower up but I'm going to have to find a way. I was honestly considering getting "do you really want to die?" tatooed on the inside of my wrist so that every time I picked up a fork I had to look at it. I do have somewhat of a plan though, and I'm outlining it below because I need it outlined somewhere. Basically what I do right now is sleep a lot, laze away at work, and come home and sit on my butt and eat food. If I am too hungry I even binge eat. I get no exercise at all. So here is my plan:
- Wake up at 7:00 so I can be at work by 8:30 and out by 5
- Go to water jogging on Monday and Saturday. Couch to 5K on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. Weights 4x/week.
- Throw out all the crappy, unhealthy food in my house
- Make meals on Sunday that I can grab and go throughout the week
- Stop drinking soda. Period.
So that's my plan. I think it's totally doable. If I get up early I'll still be home at about the same time so I won't be missing anything. I don't know how I'll keep up my confidence and my willpower. Especially when the scale says something I don't like. I do plan to make a collage and put one on the fridge and one on the bathroom wall over the scale, though. And now that I have some money I'm thinking of giving myself some decent rewards. For instance, my first big goal is 5% of my weight, which equals right now about 14 pounds. I'm thinking of buying myself a new pair of Onitsuka Tiger shoes for about $80. They're my favorite and I haven't been able to justify spending it but I think I'm going to. I REALLY want them and it will make me stop and think before I eat something.
I feel like everyone that knows me is thinking "Seriously? How many times has she tried this". But I just HAVE to try. Again and again and again until I get it right. My life literally depends on it. I want to be a happy, healthy mom, not a tired, sickly one. I owe this to my child. To my husband, my parents... and especially me. And I won't quit until I've achieved my goal. I've overcome so much in my life. I can overcome this weight, too.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
My coworker is starting to show now. She's 18 weeks. I'm pumped. She comes by my desk all day long and I swear I saw her go from showing a little to "Wow! I can really see it!" in the 8 work hours we spent together today lol. I talked to her a little about our plans and I felt bad... like I was taking away from her excitement.. but I can be excited too, and my upcoming IVF is no less awesome to me than her baby is to her. She doesn't make me feel bad... it's an internal thing... but I'm getting over it because I AM excited and I DESERVE to be excited.
I got my pap... it was awful, as they always are. They hurt and I bleed a lot. I told the midwife who did it that I had to get an HSG and she made a face like "Man those suck enough as it is, but to go in there with your cervix will be torture". She told me I need to take a sedative first. Because I wasn't already scared enough. She then proceeded to ask me if I was in the medical field, to which I replied "No, just unfortunate". And then she told me my medical problems were fascinating. Thanks. Still, I got the test done and now I don't have to worry about that anymore. Assuming it comes back normal of course.
I'm going to set up the appointment with the RE in November I think. That should give us some time to figure out what our plans are. I did turn in the 24 hour urine so hopefull my doctor will be calling me shortly to actually prescribe my medicine. I WANT TO GET STARTED.
But for now I'm excited and looking forward to the future and seeing what happens. There's always a chance it won't work but I just want to know.
I got my pap... it was awful, as they always are. They hurt and I bleed a lot. I told the midwife who did it that I had to get an HSG and she made a face like "Man those suck enough as it is, but to go in there with your cervix will be torture". She told me I need to take a sedative first. Because I wasn't already scared enough. She then proceeded to ask me if I was in the medical field, to which I replied "No, just unfortunate". And then she told me my medical problems were fascinating. Thanks. Still, I got the test done and now I don't have to worry about that anymore. Assuming it comes back normal of course.
I'm going to set up the appointment with the RE in November I think. That should give us some time to figure out what our plans are. I did turn in the 24 hour urine so hopefull my doctor will be calling me shortly to actually prescribe my medicine. I WANT TO GET STARTED.
But for now I'm excited and looking forward to the future and seeing what happens. There's always a chance it won't work but I just want to know.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Another month has gone by with a wasted ovulation. I can't be 100% since I didn't temp, but I'm 99% sure I ovulated Saturday - day 16. I felt it pretty obviously and it was day 4 of fertile cm. I have to hand it to my body that I get pretty clear and consistent signs. I don't understand why I didn't get pregnant when we were trying. I don't feel like anything is wrong. Andy's tests weren't all that bad... normal under the new guidelines. I guess we just needed more time. And it sucks that my kidneys won't give me more. But I guess it is still a good thing.
I haven't gotten my treatment started yet for my kidneys. I'm doing the 24 hour urine today and the blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I'll be started here within a week or so. I emailed the Dr. to let him know I was doing the tests. It's not always easy to get a hold of him but I really don't want to put this off any longer. We're into January now so the egg transfer would be closer to the March timeframe and I want to get started. It still suck waiting. I just want to know what's going to happen.. get pregnant, have my baby, get back on my meds for cholesterol and stuff. I still have no control and that sucks, but at least today I'm really doing something to help. Tomorrow I'm seeing the regular obgyn so I'll probably get some questions answered and get the pap done so that'll be off my checklist. We did all the bloodwork so I just need the HSG and SHG and then every test we need has been done for IVF and we should be able to just get started. I hope. If my kidneys look ok and the high risk OB tells the RE it's ok. She said it was ok before so hopefully she'll say the same this time because hopefully it will work. 4 months.. I can do this. I can wait 4 months. Yep, that's a pep talk. But I can do this.
I haven't gotten my treatment started yet for my kidneys. I'm doing the 24 hour urine today and the blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I'll be started here within a week or so. I emailed the Dr. to let him know I was doing the tests. It's not always easy to get a hold of him but I really don't want to put this off any longer. We're into January now so the egg transfer would be closer to the March timeframe and I want to get started. It still suck waiting. I just want to know what's going to happen.. get pregnant, have my baby, get back on my meds for cholesterol and stuff. I still have no control and that sucks, but at least today I'm really doing something to help. Tomorrow I'm seeing the regular obgyn so I'll probably get some questions answered and get the pap done so that'll be off my checklist. We did all the bloodwork so I just need the HSG and SHG and then every test we need has been done for IVF and we should be able to just get started. I hope. If my kidneys look ok and the high risk OB tells the RE it's ok. She said it was ok before so hopefully she'll say the same this time because hopefully it will work. 4 months.. I can do this. I can wait 4 months. Yep, that's a pep talk. But I can do this.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Also, I am an idiot, and I used morphthing to make a picture of what our kid could look like. It's actually really cool. I did one a long time ago that I lost that looked exactly like I would picture our kid. It was a boy that looked so much like Andy as a baby his mom gasped when she saw it. It's not perfect because there are shadows where hair was in the photos and stuff, but still neat. So here is what our beautiful baby would look like according to morphthing. It's my eyes and Andy's nose and lips if you were curious. Exactly what I hoped would happen lol. The green eyes are because our eyes are really light hazel with mostly green up close. It doesn't ask, but both our moms have light eyes, so we have a 25% shot of having a "light eyed" kid, and since both of us and both our dads have hazel eyes, they'd probably have a lot of green either way. She's beautiful.
I haven't posted anything in a while. I guess I needed some time away from worrying about all of this. My OCD was out of control and I was unable to do my 24 hour urine baseline because I had my period. I have an appointment to turn in my jar on Tuesday, though, so I have to do it Monday. I also have an appointment to learn how to use my insulin pen tomorrow. Hopefully they'll explain the meters to me as well. I emailed Dr. Choi to let him know why he didn't have my test results yet and explain that I'm still ready to get started once he has everything he needs.
I'm feeling much more at peace with everything right now though. I'm OK with having pregnant friends and honestly excited for them. I'm OK with things taking some time for me. I know God's timing isn't always what I like, but I trust him. I'm still hoping for a February IVF timeframe. I guess if we start my prednisone in 2 weeks (we'll say 9/20) then January 20th would be 4 months so I guess if my tests were looking better I'd start the bcp around the first of January. Which I guess would put egg transfer around the middle-end of February. That would put my due date on 11/10, - 2 weeks for delivering at 38 weeks per high risk OB and we're at 10/27! I really want an October baby so I wouldn't complain! I hope things work out on the time schedule I have in my head. They never do, but I'd really love to be on the medication this month, do the HSG in December, get decent results and start getting ready for IVF in January. I got a good kick-start losing almost 8 pounds in the last two weeks so I've got 8.4 pounds to get to my IVF weight (+5 for scale differences) and that should be doable in 3 months or so. Seriously. I'm hoping to lose 25. And, as always, I know IVF might not work. I hope it does, but we're prepared to do a second in the Spring at minimum.
One thing I have learned through all of this is that if this doesn't happen for us I can eventually be ok with adopting my children. I want to have a biological child but if we can't I absolutely want to adopt. It doesn't cause quite as much pain to think about anymore, and I'm 99% certain that once we have 1 biological child I want to move to adoption. convincing my husband will be a different story but that's what I'd like to do. My kidneys will appreciate it.
I'm learning a lot about myself through this process. It's hard putting things on hold but I'm trying to just deal with it and be happy for everyone else who doesn't have to. One day they'll be happy for me. Hopefully I'll be feeling my little one moving around in there and getting my ultrasounds on my own body. I want this treatment to work. But I'm coping now and that's necessary. I feel ok. I don't feel jealous... I feel patient for probably the first time. If I have to wait 6 months it is what it is. I'd still like to have my baby when I'm 30-31, so we'll see. For right now I'm just chugging along, working, and trying to get my finances and health in order.
I'm feeling much more at peace with everything right now though. I'm OK with having pregnant friends and honestly excited for them. I'm OK with things taking some time for me. I know God's timing isn't always what I like, but I trust him. I'm still hoping for a February IVF timeframe. I guess if we start my prednisone in 2 weeks (we'll say 9/20) then January 20th would be 4 months so I guess if my tests were looking better I'd start the bcp around the first of January. Which I guess would put egg transfer around the middle-end of February. That would put my due date on 11/10, - 2 weeks for delivering at 38 weeks per high risk OB and we're at 10/27! I really want an October baby so I wouldn't complain! I hope things work out on the time schedule I have in my head. They never do, but I'd really love to be on the medication this month, do the HSG in December, get decent results and start getting ready for IVF in January. I got a good kick-start losing almost 8 pounds in the last two weeks so I've got 8.4 pounds to get to my IVF weight (+5 for scale differences) and that should be doable in 3 months or so. Seriously. I'm hoping to lose 25. And, as always, I know IVF might not work. I hope it does, but we're prepared to do a second in the Spring at minimum.
One thing I have learned through all of this is that if this doesn't happen for us I can eventually be ok with adopting my children. I want to have a biological child but if we can't I absolutely want to adopt. It doesn't cause quite as much pain to think about anymore, and I'm 99% certain that once we have 1 biological child I want to move to adoption. convincing my husband will be a different story but that's what I'd like to do. My kidneys will appreciate it.
I'm learning a lot about myself through this process. It's hard putting things on hold but I'm trying to just deal with it and be happy for everyone else who doesn't have to. One day they'll be happy for me. Hopefully I'll be feeling my little one moving around in there and getting my ultrasounds on my own body. I want this treatment to work. But I'm coping now and that's necessary. I feel ok. I don't feel jealous... I feel patient for probably the first time. If I have to wait 6 months it is what it is. I'd still like to have my baby when I'm 30-31, so we'll see. For right now I'm just chugging along, working, and trying to get my finances and health in order.
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