Winding Down

Today I'm trying my hardest to appreciate the last few days I have with Evie on the inside. She just did the cutest little roll thing where I could just feel her all over, and I'm going to miss it when she's not in there anymore. A and I are going on a date on Saturday and I'm pretty excited about it. It's going to be our Valentine's dinner, since Valentines day will be the day before my amnio, or before my last day of work, and we want to be able to go out and then have the next day to ourselves. It's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that it will be our last Saturday as a couple instead of a family. We are planning to go out for a nice dinner and then go to a movie, which I'm thinking I won't be able to do for a while. I'm trying to enjoy all of the time we get to spend alone. It's so strange that we won't have that for a while... or that in order to go on a date we'll need a babysitter, and we'll need to put Evie to bed before we can curl up and watch a movie. I'm excited for it but it's just... weird. There were so many times I never thought I'd be at this point... coming up on having a baby in the next week and a half. And I'm not sure I really let myself get to the point where this is REALLY happening.

I feel like for most of my pregnancy I was waiting for 38 weeks and just wanting this baby and feeling like it was so far away. Now that we're here I feel silly for feeling like 36 weeks is so incredibly different than 38.. but it is. I want to have everything done before she arrives so that all I have to do is hold her all day every day. I know that's not how it works, but I have wanted her so much for so long I feel like I'm never going to put her down when she's here. I don't want to organize things in her room when I can be snuggling her sweet cheeks (that I'm pretty sure are like her daddy's!).

I'm really trying to deal with how overwhelming everything is. I feel like the anxiety and stress is sitting just below the surface, and everything is irritating me. I've had a headache all day and I think it's from stress. I'm wondering if I'm ever going to sleep again, and it worries me a bit because sleep is so helpful to me when I'm stressed out. I know things will settle down to some degree soon. I'll be dealing with all the stresses of having a newborn and waking up constantly and always having something to do for her, but I feel like I'm ready for that. As ready as I can be. I wasn't ready for the mental toll that my kidney problem would take, and I'm still struggling to adapt to that. I do have a lot of support and A has been great at keeping me in better spirits. I'm not sure I could get through all of this without him.

I guess the bottom line is that ready or not, I have to deal with my kidneys and a newborn and we're going to do whatever we have to to get it all sorted out. We're fortunate to have both grandmoms coming over every day the first week to help clean and do laundry and cook and watch E so I can shower (and nap?). I'm usually quite good with dealing with change, but I don't know how to not worry that my kidneys won't get better, but I guess we'll see what happens. I need to find a way to let it go enough to enjoy this time with Evie, and to enjoy her birth without worrying about what happens later. I know I'll regret it if I don't cherish every moment, so I'm doing the best I can. I really can't wait for my daughter, I just want to be the best, healthiest mom I can be for her.