The Other Shoe

It dropped, and I need to vent about it. Yesterday's vent wasn't enough. I have real feelings behind what's happening to me, and as numb as I've become to it... it's not always possible to take it in stride. My mom was telling me yesterday to be positive. A was telling me things would be OK. And I used to think that way. Until thinking that way repeatedly got me nothing but heartbreak when things WEREN'T OK. A said if he was me, he'd be numb. "Why?" I asked him. "Because if I got as much bad medical news as you do I'd kill myself" was his answer. And don't take that to mean he's some sort of insensitive jerk. It makes me laugh because it's true. And for A.. he HAS to think things are OK, because he can't think something could happen to me.

But I can. Medical problems have made me such a realist and I think, in some ways, has changed who I am. I'm not the perpetual optimist because bad things can and do happen. Sometimes a lot of them, and sometimes to the same person over and over. Because life.. is just not fair. Sorry, Charlie. Better you learn that now. And that's not to say I can never look on the bright side or see the silver lining. But sometimes I get run down... when I'm smacked in the face with unfortunate realities.

So what's the truth of how I'm feeling right this second? I'm scared. And I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I did everything "right". Because I took care of my health and saw all the doctors and did IVF before a lot of people would have because I knew it was the healthiest time for it. Because with mild kidney disease, the chance of worsening renal function was so low. Because at some point, I might hit that magical 1.4 creatinine at which point the chance of worsening renal function jumps 30%. Because I got approval from a nephrologist and MFM. Because I did a YEAR of steroids hoping to improve my kidneys further. Because none of it worked, and, as usual, I fall into that small perccentage of people who still get screwed.

Why am I scared? Because I don't want my kidneys to fail. Because I want to be around for my daughter and my husband. Because I don't want to be on dialysis, I don't want a transplant, and I want to live. I'm 31 years old. I have a lot to do, and I don't want to be held down and miserable because of something I have no control over. Because my creatinine was 1.4. And I might never be able to have another baby. Because I promised myself, my husband, and anyone who would listen that I'd give those 3 embies on ice a shot at life. And I don't  want to fail them. I don't want to fail Andy. He deserves more kids. Evangeline deserves siblings, and a mom who is healthy enough to take care of her. Because what if it IS permanent? And it gets worse?

And I still get freaked out by how healthy I look on the outside. No one takes my emotions over this seriously because I don't look or sound sick. Because I'm not yet on dialysis or in need of a transplant. But the reality is, if something doesn't change, I will be. Without question. And so I DO have emotions. I get scared and sad and I'm tired of hearing it will be OK. I want it to actually BE OK. I want validation of how I feel. A says it's his job to be positive and to try to keep me positive. And he's right. But sometimes I still just want someone to say "It's OK to be sad and scared. But we'll do whatever we have to do to get through this." I want to be told it's OK.

I don't know what else to say. I just want to be healthy for once. I couldn't be more grateful that E is OK. I'm trying not to take that for granted. But I want to be healthy, too, like 99% of the people I know or have ever met. Or are having babies right now. I don't think that's wrong. I just want to be alright.