I'm having another scared day today. I got the kidney test results and they weren't great. I was expecting them to be better than last time, but my protein level has gone up. It's not anywhere near where it was originally, but it is still scary and makes the baby thing even more pressing. I guess part of me really thought we'd get a break with that and get to spend a little more time doing our own thing, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I will see my nephrologist soon and discuss our options, but I refuse to do any more heavy treatments until I have a child unless he has discovered some miracle that he is sure will cure me and give me all the time in the world. I think he might have mentioned that. At the very least we have 2 cycles to try on our own. It's not much, and that's what scares me. Andy is doing SO MUCH better. It's amazing. he got some more blood work done and we don't have the results, but there are other things that indicate he is better, and so I'm excited for these two cycles before the final decision. My temperature confirms that I ovulate, and I'm not convinced I have been doing the OPKs correctly so I'm going to follow the directions strictly this time and not pee for 4 hours beforehand. I have been SO CLOSE to positive before and I think that could be the difference. We'll see!

I was thinking about taking soy this cycle but because it can move ovulation up and I might not be in town I want to wait until next cycle to see how that plays out. I just really don't want to do IVF, and I feel like... what if we try naturally for 2 cycles and find out everything is normal again with Andy. Do we bother with IUI? Do we go to IVF because of my kidneys? It feels like... what if we the third natural cycle would be the one and we spent 7 grand on IVF anyway? I'm thinking that if all tests come back normal in June I might push IVF back to September. It just doesn't feel right to jump right to it if things look normal. I don't want to do it because I have a timeline in my head of when I should have a baby, and 2 more months shouldn't be an issue with my kidneys. It all depends on what happens in June, but... there are just so many big decisions. I want all of this to be easy. Duh. Who that is dealing with IF would say they didn't want it to be easy? I'm just scared. I'm scared of finances and never having a baby because no treatment works. I'm scared of my kidneys getting worse too fast and... lots of things.

I just want something to be a little easier. I want a break. And God knows I am so thankful for Andy getting better. I just want to be on a normal playing field for a while. We have to fight and dig ourselves out of so much just to get where most people get to start anyway, and I think we deserve for SOMETHING to come easily.

Well.. enough bitching I suppose. We've been dealing and we'll continue to deal, but it's painful emotionally right now. I'm so excited but so scared to let myself get excited because I've been so used to disappointment. I have decided not to test unless I miss AF. I don't want to look at negative test after negative test. I've been praying a lot. Maybe God will let us get that BFP this next natural cycle. Only time will tell. For now I'm unsure, but I'm leaving it in his hands and I know he'll take care of me in whatever way is best.

Two days ago, I congratulated a fellow "soul cyster" on her "pretty uterus". Oh dear. How times have changed. I don't think that if you'd told me a year ago that I'd be as excited by such things as pretty uteruses...uteri?.. as I am that I would believe you. I hope my uterus is pretty, too.

On a completely separate note, I've gained 26 pounds in the last 6 months, and we all know how conducive that is to helping a PCOS woman get pregnant! In my defense, some of it was due to long-term high-dose steroids. At least some of it was not. I plead insanity. I did write up a new program. It's not so easy to lose weight when the one problem you have (PCOS) requires you to eat unrefined foods and whole wheats and grains and proteins, and the other (kidney diease) requires you to eat none of those things, because protein is bad for me in large doses, and the others are full of phosphorus, which is bad for my kidneys. This might be a fantastic example of a catch-22. Or the worst karma ever. I'm going to attempt to eat moderate amounts of everything. This may or may not help.

Oh, by the way, I'm terrified today that I'll never have a child. My kidneys have been killing me lately. I do not know why. Kidneys don't generally hurt. Mine do! And I don't know what it means, but I had to cancel my doctor's appointment. One day I hope to find out if my kidneys are still stable. If not... well... I'd prefer not to think about it. I will just hope that they are ok. Maybe my husband's brain tumor and my kidneys should have a pow-wow and discuss how much they really should start behaving. One of them has to be a good influence, right?

I'm also headed to a GI doctor because my regular doctor thinks I have ulcers (I wonder what would have caused that?). That would explain the constant pain under my ribs I suppose. I love my Lord and Savior, but I think he missed a few pieces when he put me together. I swear I'm not a hypochondriac and I really do have these issues. I told someone once that our house was the center for rare diseases lol. Thankfully non-genetic.

I had a dream I was pregnant two days ago. It was interesting. Usually I'm a 3rd party in dreams, but I was sitting there looking down on a baby belly. If only it were actually possible for me to be pregnant right now. I'd think the dream and the nausea were onto something! Alas, maybe next month.

We're still waiting. 7 weeks to go until the next SA. Hopefully I won't be in the looney bin by then. And then... FINALLY we'll have a plan. Man I can't even type it with a straight face. Ok. HOPEFULLY we'll have a plan!!! We're still planning for a July Pregnancy. this is founded in absolutely no scientific evidence. My mom and I are "feelers". And apparently optimists. That's a new one.

So I got some clarification from the Doctor about our tests. They were not "pretty much ok". Granted, it was much better than I thought, but at this point our only option is still IVF. This makes me very unhappy. Our current plan is to get more blood tests done this month and then again in June and see if there is improvement. If we're still not at a point where we can do IUI then we will begin IVF. I am holding out hope, though. The most recent results were much better than I expected, and Andy's testosterone keeps going up. Dr. Fenig said it would take 3-6 months to see real results and we did the tests at just under 3 months, so I'm kind of curious and excited to see what happens in June. We'll be trying on our own until then. It's more difficult with Male Factor infertility to get pregnant on your own, but anything is possible with God's help.

I called Shady Grove today to double check to see if there is anything they want me to do since no one has ever confirmed ovulation. She said since my cycles are under 35 days they're fairly certain they are ovulatory, so the only thing they want to do is an HSG. I am so not looking forward to the HSG. I've heard some horror stories, but if it will help us to conceive it will have to be done. Maybe they'll let me take a xanax. I just want to get it over with. I'm praying we get our BFP before then so I don't have to do it lol.

For now, we're just waiting. Again. It's making me crazy, but at least I have 1 test to help prepare.

Today has been a great day. I knew we would be getting test results back but I wasn't expecting anything fantastic. As a matter of fact I was expecting very sub-par results, and we got results pretty close to normal! I was dumbfounded, and still am, but very excited. We're still waiting on my kidney test results but if that comes back ok we're going to be on cloud 9. We're already most of the way there.

I don't know any actual stats, but from what they said on the phone it sounds like we might be able to have our baby through IUI or MAYBE even the old-fashioned way. My mom said we should just "go at it" to which I replied "Easier said than done when your mom lives with you!". Hint hint? Lol. We'll find out more definite information on Monday, but I'm happy. I still want to go in and see her ASAP. I'm hoping she'll give me some clomid to help regulate/time things and that she'll do an actual ovulation test, like a P4, because I don't want to waste time with not ovulating. Even if my kidneys are ok for now, it's not worth the risk for like a $4 prescription, so I'd rather just do it. That way the OPKs should work and I'll know when it's time. I want to go in today lol. Maybe if I can get in soon enough we can do a clomid cycle this month. I should be starting AF in about 10 days. I know she doesn't want to give me clomid but I know things aren't perfect in there and I want to help it out. Hopefully I can convince her. We'll see!!!

Ok. I won't say I haven't been thinking about things at all, but I've felt SO much better since my last post. I've been able to think about things other than babies and our failure to conceive one. I'm still very nervous about all of Andy's tests. We'll have some results hopefully by the end of this week and the rest on the 23rd, so we will be able to come up with a plan. I'm hoping to go back to the RE this month so that by the beginning of May we know what we want to do. We're thinking of skipping IUI altogether since the success rate isn't very high. We're hoping that Andy is completely normal and we can just try like normal folks soon, but if that doesn't happen, IVF in July right on schedule. I wish that we could try on our own while we were waiting for results and plans, but we keep hitting stumbling blocks. I also want Andy's medicine to work faster. The doctor told us up to 6 months, and though it has only been 11 weeks, I'm getting impatient. I keep thinking that things that are not back to normal will never get there. I know I need to give it more time but that's tough. I do not have my kidney tests results back yet so I don't know about our timing issues.

I'm feeling calmer about the whole process and much more trusting that God will carry us through this journey and that his timing is right and that eventually we'll see it. It is hard, and sometimes I still REALLY want control to be in my hands instead, but he's helping me cope and soon we'll know for sure what we're doing and that will be a huge weight off. I still want to get some tests done on myself, and I've asked Andy to make an appointment for ASAP after we have gathered all our tests results. I know the RE wants me to do an HSG anyway, so I want to plan and set up for that and the saline ultrasound since they're expensive and I don't want waiting on those tests to delay our IVF schedule (if we do need it). Still not looking forward to either test. I also want to get the basic bloodwork done to check P4, or a sonogram to see if I have follicles and such because if we don't do IVF, we'll be wasting time if I'm not ovulating. I know everything points to "yes" except the stupid OPKs, but I'm not convinced and I need that peace of mind.

I had another friend tell me she doesn't think we'll need IVF. Everyone seems to have "a feeling" about us, and I think it's just wishful thinking, but I hope not. I really do see us with a baby in our arms in the next year, year and a half, so we'll see. This month we have 2 appointments for results about Andy, 1 for my kidneys, and hopefully one for both of us to sit down with the RE and decide exactly what's next and get all my tests ordered. It's going to be a busy month but at least things are getting done. In the mean time I will continue to pray and ask God for guidance and peace, and hope that he brings us our baby (and that we don't need IVF [or the associated horrifying tests] and our miracle baby comes without much more medical inervention)!

This is not so much a fertility post as a spiritual post.

For the last... wow. Year? Two?... almost as long as I can vividly remember, I've been doubtful. Because I've been so unhappy. My family has had a difficult few years. In July of 2008 my dad got very sick. He went to the hospital with horrible pains in his back and they sent him home and told him to use a heating pad, despite my parents begging for an MRI. They ended up going back and forcing the hospital to do the MRI and they found a spinal abscess and sent him into emergency surgery. He came out alive. Thank God.

In November of 2008 my mom went to the doctor because she'd been having pains she thought were indigestion. They did a scan of her heart and found a near-total blockage in one of the main arteries. She went to the hospital immediately and miraculously got a stent put in. She was told she could have had a heart attack at any time, and it would have killed her. She hasn't had any problems since.

In January of 2009 I met Dr. Choi for the first time. I had been diagnosed with IGA Nephropathy the previous September, and he finally got to sit me down and explain what it meant and how it would affect me. Over the next few months we tried medications but found out they weren't helping and my kidney function was declining. Fast. He wanted to put me on steroid therapy, and with my wedding coming up and us wanting to try for a baby I was terrified. He said that without it, he couldn't guarantee me 5 years before I needed a transplant. So I did the treatment and found out in December of 2009 that my kidneys were stable. I go back for a followup from 6 weeks after the end of treatment this week.

In December of 2009 we did blood work on my husband and found out that his hormones were off. An MRI revealed in January of this year that he had a tumor on his pituitary. Further testing showed it would be impossible for us to have a baby without medical inervention. We were scared because Dr. Choi had told us to have a baby right away. We found a Dr. for Andy who started him on Dostinex, which is working. The hormones secreted by his tumor are back to normal, and the suppressed testosterone is getting higher. He goes back for more testing and to see if the tumor has shrunk next month.

We don't have any certanties right now. My kidneys might not be fully stable. Andy might not go back to "normal" like his doctor has promised. But I know this.

My dad would have died from a heating pad on a spinal abscess. My cousin had a hunch that it was not just muscle pain and made him go back to get the MRI. My dad is still alive, and that's a miracle.

My mom would have died from a blockage in her heart if she hadn't finally decided to see a doctor. I think her artery was 99% blocked, but she didn't have a heart attack. My mom is still alive and that's a miracle.

Andy and I are still waiting, but last time we checked my kidneys had vastly improved, and his tumor had vastly improved, and I don't know if I'd call thos miracles, but we're so lucky.

And all this time I've been so mad at God for "letting" these things happen to us. I've been so angry and yelled and cursed and skipped church because I blamed him. And right about now I'm feeling like a total asshole, because all this time I've been angry that we had to wait. That we didn't get exactly what we wanted when we wanted it. And all this time I've been missing the miracles I've witnessed first hand. I don't know how I could have doubted when I know these miracles to be true. I know that it can happen. I've been contemplating not even trying because the chances were so low. And where is my faith in God then? Where is my belief that miracles can happen? How can I expect him to bring a miracle to us when I just go through the motions? My prayers haven't been from my heart and my joy and trust and faith haven't even been real. I waste so much time being so negative and so untrusting, and I haven't deserved the gifts he has. I feel like I have finally figured it out in my heart. That I know what I have to do and what I've been doing wrong. I won't say I won't be angry and upset if my tests come back less than perfect. But this time I won't lose my faith. This time I will trust that God has a reason, and that even if we do need IVF or even if we have to wait a while... God is going to bring us our heart's desire. And I can't be mad when I hear of other people's blessings. I can't be so selfish as to hope my friends don't get their little blessings. Because as hard as it is, I know God will bring us ours when it's time.


Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I'm feeling a little better today as I think we at least have a plan. I talked with Andy about getting his test results. He's so positive, and while I'm glad he is, I'm afraid he's going to get his little heart broken, and I don't want that. We're going to wait and see what the results are and formulate a definitive plan from there. I think if they are very bad we will consider IVF directly, and if they're not, we will give it a few more months. This also depends on the results of my test. I did a 24-hour urine test and if the results come back ok/better then we will be pretty comfortable with giving his medicine a little more time, but if it comes back worse then we're going to have to start ASAP. So many things rest on so many test results. I guess mine is really the biggest one for right now. It doesn't matter as much how good or bad Andy's tests come back if mine are bad. i'm so nervous, but I should have those back by the end of the week. I am hoping and praying they are better.

I just read a study about men with pituitary adenomas on Cabergoline (dostinex). It said that the majority of patients went completely back to normal within 6 months. This was pretty encouraging and I'm now thinking that if my kidneys say we have a little time then I'm ok to give it. The original cutoff date was July anyway, which would be 6 months. But I'm glad to know that Andy's at least open to discussion on moving it up if we both get crappy test results.

And at the VERY least, he's going to make an appointment and we'll have everything we need by the time he goes so that we can sit down with the RE and formulate a real plan. I'm going to try to coerce her into giving me femara so that we have a better chance at least from my side.

I'm driving myself insane. I just have to make it through this week toget my kidney tests back. I should've had results a month ago but I spoiled the test because I was terrified of bad results. It's time to be an adult and face the music, though. This week is going to be the slowest ever.