I'm having another scared day today. I got the kidney test results and they weren't great. I was expecting them to be better than last time, but my protein level has gone up. It's not anywhere near where it was originally, but it is still scary and makes the baby thing even more pressing. I guess part of me really thought we'd get a break with that and get to spend a little more time doing our own thing, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I will see my nephrologist soon and discuss our options, but I refuse to do any more heavy treatments until I have a child unless he has discovered some miracle that he is sure will cure me and give me all the time in the world. I think he might have mentioned that. At the very least we have 2 cycles to try on our own. It's not much, and that's what scares me. Andy is doing SO MUCH better. It's amazing. he got some more blood work done and we don't have the results, but there are other things that indicate he is better, and so I'm excited for these two cycles before the final decision. My temperature confirms that I ovulate, and I'm not convinced I have been doing the OPKs correctly so I'm going to follow the directions strictly this time and not pee for 4 hours beforehand. I have been SO CLOSE to positive before and I think that could be the difference. We'll see!

I was thinking about taking soy this cycle but because it can move ovulation up and I might not be in town I want to wait until next cycle to see how that plays out. I just really don't want to do IVF, and I feel like... what if we try naturally for 2 cycles and find out everything is normal again with Andy. Do we bother with IUI? Do we go to IVF because of my kidneys? It feels like... what if we the third natural cycle would be the one and we spent 7 grand on IVF anyway? I'm thinking that if all tests come back normal in June I might push IVF back to September. It just doesn't feel right to jump right to it if things look normal. I don't want to do it because I have a timeline in my head of when I should have a baby, and 2 more months shouldn't be an issue with my kidneys. It all depends on what happens in June, but... there are just so many big decisions. I want all of this to be easy. Duh. Who that is dealing with IF would say they didn't want it to be easy? I'm just scared. I'm scared of finances and never having a baby because no treatment works. I'm scared of my kidneys getting worse too fast and... lots of things.

I just want something to be a little easier. I want a break. And God knows I am so thankful for Andy getting better. I just want to be on a normal playing field for a while. We have to fight and dig ourselves out of so much just to get where most people get to start anyway, and I think we deserve for SOMETHING to come easily.

Well.. enough bitching I suppose. We've been dealing and we'll continue to deal, but it's painful emotionally right now. I'm so excited but so scared to let myself get excited because I've been so used to disappointment. I have decided not to test unless I miss AF. I don't want to look at negative test after negative test. I've been praying a lot. Maybe God will let us get that BFP this next natural cycle. Only time will tell. For now I'm unsure, but I'm leaving it in his hands and I know he'll take care of me in whatever way is best.