I'm feeling down and impatient today. Erinn has her anatomy scan tomorrow. I'm so excited for her. I've been planning what stuffed animals I'm going to make her baby. I can't wait. But I was thinking about how much I want to have my gender ultrasound and how it might never happen. I've said that I could adopt a baby, and I could, but I'll face facts. I don't want to. I want to go through the pregnancy and feel the baby growing. I want to experience all of that with my little one. I have so many questions... what if the IVF doesn't work? What if my kidney treatment doesn't work? How long will I have if it does? What if we get everything ready but don't make it to transfer? What if we have to do two and can't afford it? What if my kidneys are just too far gone?

It's a lot, and I'm just so sad. And it's not as much about having to wait for the baby, but about having to wait to be trying. This forced break will already be 6 months at this point because I still haven't started my medication. I want to be doing something.. anything. And the entire time I'm on the meds I'll be waiting and wondering if it's even going to help. If it doesn't.. I cant ever have a baby. And my kidneys will fail. I don't know how I'd go on at that point. I just don't know. And I try not to think that way but sometimes the thoughts just come. However small, there is a possibility that this won't happen for me and it kills me. I feel like I should get cut a break. I guess everyone does, but... I want something to work out on this front. And I won't have any answers for months. I've spent so much time waiting for answers. It's heartbreaking and the knots in my stomach are never really gone. I guess I shouldn't be asking "why me" but I do. Am I wrong? Am I selfish? Maybe. I don't know. I'm just so sad and hopeless. I want a child. I want to live. Is that really so much to ask? I hope I can start soon. Then I'll feel like I'm making progress. And I hope it works.. otherwise I just don't know what to do. Please, God.. let this medicine work and let me have a biological child. Please?

I had a teensy bit of a breakdown a few nights ago. Sometimes I can't grasp why my husband and I have so many issues. The kidneys, cholesterol, infertility. They're all like.. big problems! And I sort of wish I could just catch a real break. I don't know if it helped. I was trying to pray and it turned into me crying myself to sleep. I'm doing ok with the timing.. the waiting. I just don't understand why so much is happening. I've been feeling a little more alive lately.. a little more like myself. The cool air and more time with my friends has been good for me. But I still wish these problems would just disappear. I wish my nephrologist would return my emails so we could get this prednisone started. When I look back at the last 4 months I know it's gone by so fast. But when I look forward it feels like forever. Hopefully it will go by quickly and we'll do the IVF in February/March and I'll be expecting a new baby in November (I actually hope that's what happens 'cause I'd love to have 3 months off over Thanksgiving and Christmas!).

I don't know... I think I'll feel different.. better?... after I start my meds. I just want to hear "They're working, your protein is down". I MIGHT throw a tantrum if he doesn't call me soon. Maybe. Probably. Yeah... I hope he calls!

(Almost) Completely Off Topic

I wanted to write this entry in my sparkpeople blog but apparently my work has decided that an encouraging weight loss website is inappropriate. Somehow blogger is not. Anyway...

I've been getting very worried about my high cholesterol lately. We're planning on starting to TTC in 4 months so I can't really go back on my medications. I've been off since February, so if I get pregnant in the next few months after the Prednisone we're looking at 2 full years off medications. This terrifies me because my cholesterol is especially high between my hereditary form and the fact that my kidney disease makes my cholesterol go up. Women are protected somewhat against heart disease, but only to a certain degree. I did have a calcium scoring done and it was 0 , so most places say my risk of a heart attack is pretty low. Between 1-3% in the next ten years. If I can get my cholesterol down to 216 (which I have done with medication!) and my blood pressure under control, the risk goes down to less than 1%. I intend to start on Welchol, which only brings cholesterol down about 15% but is pregnancy safe. And as soon as I give birth I will be going back on meds. But if I can lose weight my cholesterol and blood pressure will both go down (A LOT), and if I am adamant that I will keep trying for a biological baby I need to be doing something extraordinary for my health to combat the cholesterol.

I have tried probably a million diets in the past. Weight Watchers, South Beach, Carb Addict's, Nutrisystem... etc.  And I've tried most of them multiple times. They all work.. but I haven't stuck to one yet. But the fact is, I am 113 lbs from the HIGHEST healthy weight for my height. As if obesity wasn't a big enough problem in regards to heart attacks... I FREAKING HAVE HIGH CHOLESTEROL. GOD I'm an idiot sometimes. I should have known better and worked harder. I knew my whole life that people told me my cholesterol was terrible.. but I didn't FEEL it so it never bothered me. Wanting a child is making me look at things in a whole new way. I want to be around for my kid so if my cholesterol can kill me.. I'd better freaking fix it. It's bad enough that I have to be off the meds for two years. It's bad enough that obesity causes a host of its own problems. I need to lose this weight. I don't know how much it will help but I know it will help.

I want to note that there is a form of my disease that pretty much guarantees death by like.. 30. This occurs if a child gets it from both parents. We had  Andy's cholesterol checked and it was like.. 160 total, so there's just no way he has it. Our baby could still get the form I have, but I think it's worth doing. I have it and I'm glad my parents had me. My mom will be 60 in March and she has it... and she didn't start taking medicine until she was 19. So although it's a concern, it is a treatable disease and even since I was born treatment has advanced in a million ways. My kidney disease is not hereditary.

So now that that's out of the way (I know some people probably thing it's horrible that I still want to have a baby with this disease... too bad) I will go on. I want to get this cholesterol down and all I have right now is Welchol and weight loss... so I'm going to have to completely exploit it. It's hard to say "Yep, I'm starting a program" because I know I've started hundreds of programs and given up. But if I don't keep trying isn't that worse? I know I can do this... I know the steps to take. I DON'T know how to keep my willpower up but I'm going to have to find a way. I was honestly considering getting "do you really want to die?" tatooed on the inside of my wrist so that every time I picked up a fork I had to look at it. I do have somewhat of a plan though, and I'm outlining it below because I need it outlined somewhere. Basically what I do right now is sleep a lot, laze away at work, and come home and sit on my butt and eat food. If I am too hungry I even binge eat. I get no exercise at all. So here is my plan:

• Wake up at 7:00 so I can be at work by 8:30 and out by 5
• Go to water jogging on Monday and Saturday. Couch to 5K on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. Weights 4x/week.
• Throw out all the crappy, unhealthy food in my house
• Make meals on Sunday that I can grab and go throughout the week
• Stop drinking soda. Period.

So that's my plan. I think it's totally doable. If I get up early I'll still be home at about the same time so I won't be missing anything. I don't know how I'll keep up my confidence and my willpower. Especially when the scale says something I don't like. I do plan to make a collage and put one on the fridge and one on the bathroom wall over the scale, though. And now that I have some money I'm thinking of giving myself some decent rewards. For instance, my first big goal is 5% of my weight, which equals right now about 14 pounds. I'm thinking of buying myself a new pair of Onitsuka Tiger shoes for about $80. They're my favorite and I haven't been able to justify spending it but I think I'm going to. I REALLY want them and it will make me stop and think before I eat something.

I feel like everyone that knows me is thinking "Seriously? How many times has she tried this". But I just HAVE to try. Again and again and again until I get it right. My life literally depends on it. I want to be a happy, healthy mom, not a tired, sickly one. I owe this to my child. To my husband, my parents... and especially me. And I won't quit until I've achieved my goal. I've overcome so much in my life. I can overcome this weight, too.

My coworker is starting to show now. She's 18 weeks. I'm pumped. She comes by my desk all day long and I swear I saw her go from showing a little to "Wow! I can really see it!" in the 8 work hours we spent together today lol. I talked to her a little about our plans and I felt bad... like I was taking away from her excitement.. but I can be excited too, and my upcoming IVF is no less awesome to me than her baby is to her. She doesn't make me feel bad... it's an internal thing... but I'm getting over it because I AM excited and I DESERVE to be excited.

I got my pap... it was awful, as they always are. They hurt and I bleed a lot. I told the midwife who did it that I had to get an HSG and she made a face like "Man those suck enough as it is, but to go in there with your cervix will be torture". She told me I need to take a sedative first. Because I wasn't already scared enough. She then proceeded to ask me if I was in the medical field, to which I replied "No, just unfortunate". And then she told me my medical problems were fascinating. Thanks. Still, I got the test done and now I don't have to worry about that anymore. Assuming it comes back normal of course.

I'm going to set up the appointment with the RE in November I think. That should give us some time to figure out what our plans are. I did turn in the 24 hour urine so hopefull my doctor will be calling me shortly to actually prescribe my medicine. I WANT TO GET STARTED.

But for now I'm excited and looking forward to the future and seeing what happens. There's always a chance it won't work but I just want to know.

Another month has gone by with a wasted ovulation. I can't be 100% since I didn't temp, but I'm 99% sure I ovulated Saturday - day 16. I felt it pretty obviously and it was day 4 of fertile cm. I have to hand it to my body that I get pretty clear and consistent signs. I don't understand why I didn't get pregnant when we were trying. I don't feel like anything is wrong. Andy's tests weren't all that bad... normal under the new guidelines. I guess we just needed more time. And it sucks that my kidneys won't give me more. But I guess it is still a good thing.

I haven't gotten my treatment started yet for my kidneys. I'm doing the 24 hour urine today and the blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I'll be started here within a week or so. I emailed the Dr. to let him know I was doing the tests. It's not always easy to get a hold of him but I really don't want to put this off any longer. We're into January now so the egg transfer would be closer to the March timeframe and I want to get started. It still suck waiting. I just want to know what's going to happen.. get pregnant, have my baby, get back on my meds for cholesterol and stuff. I still have no control and that sucks, but at least today I'm really doing something to help. Tomorrow I'm seeing the regular obgyn so I'll probably get some questions answered and get the pap done so that'll be off my checklist. We did all the bloodwork so I just need the HSG and SHG and then every test we need has been done for IVF and we should be able to just get started. I hope. If my kidneys look ok and the high risk OB tells the RE it's ok. She said it was ok before so hopefully she'll say the same this time because hopefully it will work. 4 months.. I can do this. I can wait 4 months. Yep, that's a pep talk. But I can do this.

Also, I am an idiot, and I used morphthing to make a picture of what our kid could look like. It's actually really cool. I did one a long time ago that I lost that looked exactly like I would picture our kid. It was a boy that looked so much like Andy as a baby his mom gasped when she saw it. It's not perfect because there are shadows where hair was in the photos and stuff, but still neat. So here is what our beautiful baby would look like according to morphthing. It's my eyes and Andy's nose and lips if you were curious. Exactly what I hoped would happen lol. The green eyes are because our eyes are really light hazel with mostly green up close. It doesn't ask, but both our moms have light eyes, so we have a 25% shot of having a "light eyed" kid, and since both of us and both our dads have hazel eyes, they'd probably have a lot of green either way. She's beautiful.

I haven't posted anything in a while. I guess I needed some time away from worrying about all of this. My OCD was out of control and I was unable to do my 24 hour urine baseline because I had my period. I have an appointment to turn in my jar on Tuesday, though, so I have to do it Monday. I also have an appointment to learn how to use my insulin pen tomorrow. Hopefully they'll explain the meters to me as well. I emailed Dr. Choi to let him know why he didn't have my test results yet and explain that I'm still ready to get started once he has everything he needs.

I'm feeling much more at peace with everything right now though. I'm OK with having pregnant friends and honestly excited for them. I'm OK with things taking some time for me. I know God's timing isn't always what I like, but I trust him. I'm still hoping for a February IVF timeframe. I guess if we start my prednisone in 2 weeks (we'll say 9/20) then January 20th would be 4 months so I guess if my tests were looking better I'd start the bcp around the first of January. Which I guess would put egg transfer around the middle-end of February. That would put my due date on 11/10, - 2 weeks for delivering at 38 weeks per high risk OB and we're at 10/27! I really want an October baby so I wouldn't complain! I hope things work out on the time schedule I have in my head. They never do, but I'd really love to be on the medication this month, do the HSG in December, get decent results and start getting ready for IVF in January. I got a good kick-start losing almost 8 pounds in the last two weeks so I've got 8.4 pounds to get to my IVF weight (+5 for scale differences) and that should be doable in 3 months or so. Seriously. I'm hoping to lose 25. And, as always, I know IVF might not work. I hope it does, but we're prepared to do a second in the Spring at minimum.

One thing I have learned through all of this is that if this doesn't happen for us I can eventually be ok with adopting my children. I want to have a biological child but if we can't I absolutely want to adopt. It doesn't cause quite as much pain to think about anymore, and I'm 99% certain that once we have 1 biological child I want to move to adoption. convincing my husband will be a different story but that's what I'd like to do. My kidneys will appreciate it.

I'm learning a lot about myself through this process. It's hard putting things on hold but I'm trying to just deal with it and be happy for everyone else who doesn't have to. One day they'll be happy for me. Hopefully I'll be feeling my little one moving around in there and getting my ultrasounds on my own body. I want this treatment to work. But I'm coping now and that's necessary. I feel ok. I don't feel jealous... I feel patient for probably the first time. If I have to wait 6 months it is what it is. I'd still like to have my baby when I'm 30-31, so we'll see. For right now I'm just chugging along, working, and trying to get my finances and health in order.